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Post by Rory on Sept 29, 2014 21:56:19 GMT
I'm going down to see my daughter. Just waiting for my husband to get home, he's coming with me. Something happened. She's in the hospital. Damn it.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 29, 2014 22:54:52 GMT
I hope she is ok and if this is due to abuse by her partner, that this is the last sign she needs to realize she has to reach out for help to get away from her. Lots of energy your way, I am glad your husband is going with you. Do you have any information as to why she is in the hospital yet? Hoping for the best!
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Post by Rory on Sept 29, 2014 23:17:14 GMT
All I know is that she collapsed in the biology lab. Her classmate called me. He said she was fine this morning, then she went home to eat and came back not feeling very well. A couple of hours after that, she passed out, and it took several minutes to get her to come to. They called an ambulance. He said she was awake and talking a little when the paramedics took her away, but that's all he knows. I called the hospital and they said she's stable, but they didn't know much yet, either. I couldn't talk to her because they were running tests. I don't know. We're on our way now.
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Post by Rory on Sept 30, 2014 15:34:07 GMT
It's her spleen. Before I could even get out her full name, a doctor and a social worker came rushing up to us at the nurse's station and asked if we were her parents. They told us she had multiple contusions and a bruised spleen, which is almost always caused by blunt force. Only she wouldn't tell exactly how it happened. She said she was in a fight, but when they tried to get her to elaborate or tell them who she was in a fight with, she basically told them to step off. They wanted me to see if I could get it out of her!
So I guess when I called on the way there yesterday, they were rushing her around, running tests because they thought her spleen had ruptured. Usually passing out with a spleen injury means there's internal bleeding. But their didn't find any signs of bleeding and her blood pressure had returned to normal. They think her passing out may have been due to hypoglycemia or anemia, both those numbers were low. Or dehydration. Or it could have been pain from her injury or extreme stress. So they really don't know for sure. They even did tests on her heart. All normal. They are keeping her here for a couple more days for monitoring and a few more tests.
Anyway, when we went in to see her, her phone was ringing. She said it was her partner. I asked if her partner knew where she was and she said no. She said, "I don't want her to know." Then the tears came and she told us everything. She went home to have lunch with her partner and her partner started talking about Alaska. She was angry that my daughter would even think of taking a trip like that without HER. She accused her of having "someone else" that she'd rather take up there. And apparently my daughter was feeling stronger, because she told her partner she didn't have to take this from her, and she got up and started to leave. Her partner told her to get her ass back and my daughter said no! Her partner grabbed her by the arms, threw her down and kicked her in the stomach. Then she just left my daughter on the floor and went back to work. My daughter said she laid there for about 1/2 hour, then pulled herself up and went back to school because her lab partner was expecting. She was nauseous and lightheaded and her stomach hurt, but she had a lot of work to do. That's my daughter. Stubborn to a fault. If she wasn't already hurt, I'd have been yelling at her for not going straight to health services. So anyway, she made us promise not to tell the social worker or anyone else because she said she wanted to decide what happened next and when, not people who didn't know her or her partner.
Then she called me this morning and said she was going to tell them. Her partner figured out where she is and showed up early this morning. The nurse on duty thought something wasn't right and got her out of there pretty quickly though. Security escorted her out of the hospital after my daughter told the nurse, after her partner was out of the room, that she didn't want her there.
So as soon as she gives them her partner's name (she's waiting for us to get there), they should be able to get a warrant this morning and her partner will be arrested. Thank God. She seemed very certain of herself this morning. I hope she keeps that resolve over the next few days, weeks and months.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 30, 2014 17:52:45 GMT
Goodness, I expected her partner - may we call her hopefully from now on forever the "EX" partner would retaliate since you daughter went away to see her family, and reconnected with her roots- which all abusers of course see as a loss of control...but not THAT bad and that fast. I hope your daughter recovers 100% from this, and connects with a counselor on campus and stays away from her.
I am very glad that she opened up- the cat is out of the bag now. Usually this also means she is no longer hiding and enabling the abuse, so that is good.
The nurse deserves a medal for supporting your daughter when her Ex showed up. The dangerous part will come when she heals and goes through the withdrawal period we as former victims know too well- but maybe she has already been hurt enough where she is over the lies and empty promises and suicide threats.
Could you give her maybe a copy of "Why does he do that" and "Jerk Radar" and ask her to just in her mind replace all 'he' pronouns with 'her' -- when reading it, since her partner was a female abuser? Both authors mention this at the start of the books too that they address it to all genders, however women are more often victims of abuse so 'he' stands for the abuser.
I suggest you consult with police/campus counseling/campus police on how to go about collecting her belongings from the apartment they shared. Your daughter should under NO circumstances go back alone-maybe not go at all. Sometimes after such an incident police can keep her Ex with that warrant for 24 hours, -then you could use that time to pack up her things.
If she is your average abuser - and she sounds pretty much like one from the book-- she might have already destroyed your daughter's property- in that case document anything you see- go into the apartment with a police officer when you first go there- and then she can also be charged with willful damage and has to pay your daughter back via the court system.
I bet your daughter will now be open to go to counseling at her college- tell her it is ok to change counselors, if the first she is assigned to does not feel right. I had friends do that as not all counselors are good or a good fit.
Good luck for today and be proud of yourself. You saw this coming and i have NO doubts that the relaxed weekend you gave her, was the key for her to connect with her core. That was all she needed to say 'enough'.
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Post by Rory on Oct 1, 2014 0:14:15 GMT
Hi Janine,
I didn't expect this either. Neither did she. She said everything was fine, her EX-partner (thinking positively with you) seemed happy for her for having gotten to visit, until my daughter mentioned Alaska this morning. She said she wanted to do it. With me. She said her ex got mad. She was fuming when my daughter left for school, but then her ex called and apologized and asked her if they could have lunch together at home, and as soon as she got there, it started. She basically tricked her into coming home. She's lucky she didn't show up at the hospital while I was there, that's all.
She's in jail now, anyway, and they are keeping her overnight, just like you said. She won't be let out until at least noon tomorrow. And the social worker is arranging for a police escort to her house so we can get her things. The house is off-campus. I might stay with her a while, so I can be here when court time comes. My husband has to go back tomorrow, but my work is mostly online so I can do it anywhere.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 1, 2014 2:09:04 GMT
Abusers really seem to all have gone to the same 'abuser college'. Your daughter deserves a safe and healthy relationship. She should not be worrying about losing inner organs and possibly infertility (which has happened to one woman I knew from my first job out of college- her Ex boyfriend kicked her into the stomach for so long that she had to undergo surgery and will never be able to have children- and she is blind on one eye due to severe head trauma he caused) Now might be a good time to have your daughter talk to a professional health counselor. Maybe now could be a good time for you to tell her about you talking to a DV community and how she could have gotten serious injuries that could have lifelong effects. Especially teenagers and young adults because they get over injuries rather fast and their brains are not even fully developed (in a good/normal way) they sometimes cannot understand the seriousness of teenage/young adult relationship abuse. Of course this is never their fault!!! It is just easier for adults to go and reach out to professional help and picture how 5-10 years lost to an abuser really can be a life threatening situation. If you choose to talk to her about possible serious consequences for her health- maybe involve her doctor who treated her. Having someone 'not mom' can sometimes make a difference- just like we sometimes prefer to believe a doctor or hearing a professional tell us we are in danger leaves a stronger impact on us than having your best friend mention every day she is concerned. Of course you cannot stress enough it was never her fault. The incident was not about Alaska- I bet my left arm her Ex knew before she came back that she would find a good excuse to attack her. I am glad you will be able to stick around campus for her. She will need a ton of support now- hopefully she finds a good counselor on campus and maybe for some time she could come home every weekend/holiday to avoid being an easy target for her Ex. Hoping for the best and that whatever manipulative tactics her Ex will use, fall on deaf ears with your daughter. You could let your daughter know how she can go 'no contact'- meaning to block her Ex from Facebook, change her phone number today, change her email, block emails coming from her Ex etc. And I do not blame you one bit for saying the Ex is lucky she was not there when you showed up. My brother came to visit me after my Ex had attacked me and court etc. was over. My ex STILL dared to try and get close to me- and my brother ended up staring him down when he stalked us and followed us to a restaurant. My Ex ended up crying and drove away. Guess he did not think my big brother would fly across the world to visit me abroad and stand up for his little sister You can only hope for the Ex to move on quickly and (sadly) hook onto a new target. Once your daughter has read "Why does he do that" or other materials her counselor might suggest- she will not let the manipulations go unnoticed. She knows now she has support. I would still leave her a pepper spray on campus and have campus police/campus counseling etc all know about this and who the Ex is. Most universities have 'walking home' services for female students. If her Ex is not a student on campus, campus police can actually ban her from entering the campus- plus I assume you daughter is getting a restraining order. If she is graduating soon that might also be a relief- then she can remove herself from the area and maybe even move home for a while- depending on where she finds work. Good luck, we are always here if you find it hard to deal with it alone. This is tough stuff for a parent. You can do this!!!
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Post by Rory on Oct 1, 2014 21:55:17 GMT
Hi,
She's just started her sophomore year, so she's got over 2 1/2 years to go. She's adamant about not leaving or changing schools. She said she's not going to let her ex run her off. And there it is, that 19-year old naivety about how dangerous her situation really is. I found out from the university today that what we can do is drop off a photo and description of her ex, and a copy of the protection order, and they will be distributed to campus police. Then if the ex shows up on campus she'll be arrested. There are also places on campus where we can hang flyers, asking people to call the campus police if they see her on campus. So that's good.
My daughter said she will make an appointment with one of the health counselors at school, and she will change the email and phone number. She's not on Facebook, believe it or not. I talked to her a bit about how much worse it could have been, but I don't think she's taking it seriously enough. She was a mess a couple of days ago, and now she's insisting she's fine, she's going to see if she can get into a dorm, and I shouldn't worry, because she's not going back to her ex. I left my ex 4 times, each time insisting it was for good, before it actually was for good. I was 22, so a little older than her, and with 3 kids. Still, I don't think she knows how much harder it's going to get over the next weeks and months. I'm not going to push that on her right now, though. I'm sticking around a while, so I'm going to try just to be here and support her, and hopefully, the health counselor will be able to get through to her. Like you said, I'm just the (overworried, according to her) mom.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 2, 2014 16:55:09 GMT
I also hope she stays away and has a good counselor on her side. Let her know if she is not happy with the first one they assign her that she can change counselors- maybe even see a good one off campus if campus counseling does not have the right match. Sometimes people assume all counselors are alike, but like in any other profession you have good and not so good ones.
Let's hope this is over. If not, you know the drill, you know now what you are dealing with and her Ex is known to police and campus officials....this is better in many ways than back when she was able to make your daughter hide the abuse. Now your daughter knows her mom and dad support her, police believes her and people care about her.
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