Smashing things now...Just a bit of help please...anyone!

Hey dwilliamson and welcome here,

Yes, you are in the right spot. How can we help? What happened?
It sounds like someone you are in a relationship with has started to throw things/smash things? That is a HUGE red flag and warning sign of a very abusive personality if that did indeed happen.

We are here if you would like an ear.

When you say red fag...are you saying this isn't ever going to get any better...? Just worse?? x

If you would like to find out more about the prospects of an abusive partner to change for the better, I highly recommend you a book by a very experienced therapist called "Why does he do that" written by Lundy Bancroft. Lundy has worked with abused women for about 30 years now I think and he also mentions how unlikely it is that an abuser changes.

What happens is the abuse goes on and increases over time, with little breaks in between called "Honeymoon Phase". The entire cycle is called "cycle of violence" and often times you as a victim think during the 'good times' it really was not all that bad, you are just being overly sensitive and all couples have issues....and all of those others things we tell ourselves when we minimize abuse in our relationships.

If you have had issues before and did not expect him to smash a beloved item of yours like he did today (your X-Box) then he will most likely do it again and escalate. Most women do NOT expect that serious physical abuse can come out of behavior like smashing things, punching walls or being emotionally abusive, but sadly it almost always does.

The book I recommended above can be a great starting point for you to read up on abuse in relationships and see if you see him and his behavior choices in the chapters you read. I HIGHLY recommend you hide the book from him (have it sent to a trusted friend for example and leave it there or at work where he cannot find it) and also please clear your browser history tonight and every time you google "domestic violence" or anything like it.

Abusers are all about control. They often times check your internet browsing history and phone etc. and when they fear they lose control over you, they first start smashing things to show you "what I can do if things do not go as I want them." Do not be surprised if tomorrow he either goes all crocodile tears/puppy eyes and apologizes and begs you to forgive and explains how he will get help and all those things- only to never follow through. He might be very nice to you for some time before he goes back to being openly abusive. The 'nice' episodes are also part of the abuse and he HAS to be nice at times to keep you with him and make you think you are going crazy- that really he is a nice guy, he really cannot be that bad and it was probably nothing worth worrying about.

Something in your gut and heart told you to google domestic violence and you found us. Listen to THAT voice...it will keep you safe.

You can also call a general DV hotline anonymously from a safe phone if you would like to talk to a professional counselor or see a general counselor by yourself to see how you can empower yourself and figure out what is next.

We are here if you would like to share more or have specific questions or would like advice. I have survived an abusive Ex and many here have too.
We understand how complicated the dynamics are and how scary and 'unreal' this time feels when you first feel something is 'off' and not right.

There are tons of good articles on this website too if you want to read up more about domestic violence and see what fits your own situation.

Actually Lundy Bancroft also has a GREAT book about the effect domestic abuse (even if they just witness it without being direct victims) can have on children if you would like to read more professional information about why leaving an abuser is essential for the emotional and physical well-being of children as well.

Nobody can or should convince you that leaving him is better I believe. Only you can get to the point where you understand and see for yourself that living in a home like this cannot be healthy for them and you. It is not easy of course and having three children with an abuser is a good reason for wanting to try and fix it all, make it better and work things out for as long as you can.... there is so much hope involved!

If you would like to talk to someone who can simply give you free options, call a DV hotline or local shelter in your area. You do not have to tell them your name. You can simply call and ask what options they have for a possible victim and mother of three. I just called a hotline the other day actually for a friend of mine who has two little kids and is unemployed and wants to leave her abuser. We found out there is TONS of free help! From free counseling for her and the kids, to financial help, to being able to stay for quite a good while at a safe house etc. over help to find a new job etc.

It really all depends on how safe you are and what he is capable of. If you feel your life or that of your kids is in danger, call the police. If you want to rather check out quietly possible pathways out of this marriage in the future, a shelter or DV hotline can be great resources.

Many abusers will put up a good fight when you leave them so caution and careful legal support are advised.

There IS a way. There is help. You have to feel ready to take advantage of the system and make an informed decision if you do decide to leave him some day. You do not have to decide anything tonight of course. A good sleep, lots of water, being physically rested and fit will help you to stay calm and head leveled throughout this time.

As always, be careful in your safety planning....delete all browser history, make phone calls only from safe phones and keep your thoughts about leaving a secret from him...abusers do often escalate their behavior if they fear they lose control.

We are here, you are not alone!

Hey,

The smashing things is scary. And how upsetting for your children. It's not a normal way to react to a child wanting to play games for longer. I can speak from experience that watching a parent being abused is damaging. I was directly abused, but also "just" seeing my mother being abused again and again was damaging. If you want my blunt honesty, I feel watching a parent being abused probably lead to me being abused as an adult. I don't think it had much less effect than being directly abused did. It would have helped watching what a healthy relationship is surely.

I hope that isn't too blunt. I really feel for you. You want to do the right thing, society tells you keeping the family together is the right thing to do. But the right thing is you and your children being alive and happy. Of course I can talk - i'm still very much with a man that gets abusive, still in love with him! No children though. Best of luck and keep us posted if you can!

I just can't tell you all how grateful I am that you are offering your words of support... Just knowing I am a part of this forum has given me some strength over the last couple of days... I can't tell you how lifted I felt this evening when I saw your replies...

So - first of all... 2 days later, there have been no puppy dog eyes.. or crocodile tears.. in fact just blame shifting.. telling me it's my fault for not backing him re. my 12 year old going to bed!

So - we have 1 son age 14, 1 son age 12 & a daughter age 10. I will admit that our 12 year old (the one who wanted a few minutes longer on his Xbox!!) is slightly less agreeable than the other 2.. in my mind I put it down to the fact that his dad cannot 'control' him therefore he gets the brunt of his bad moods & aggression.

I have deliberated over this question for a few years now.............
IS THIS DOMESTIC ABUSE OR NOT??

Almost 3 years ago I contemplated leaving my husband for another man (a friend of his!!!) I was at a low ebb with him & this friend showed an interest in me... We had what I refer to as a 'fling' however I never got totally involved with this man (sexually!!!)

It was only a matter of weeks before I woke up & realised just what the hell I had got myself into.... I didn't really want this man... I was just desperate to be loved!! I ended things but unfortunately the whole sorry story got out & my husband (& children) found out!!

To cut a long story short.. my husband & I stayed together because although he was hurt etc. etc. he said he thought it was worth the fight.

I truly believed that he had had a huge wake-up call & this would be the turning point for him treating me how I wanted to be treated!

The worst of it all was what it had left me with... GUILT, GUILT & MORE GUILT, over what I have done to my children!!

I decided to seek counselling from a local DA service who were amazing!!! The counsellor gave me the light-bulb moment I had needed to make me understand how someone as moral & trustworthy as me could even contemplate an affair!! Although I still struggle with ''is this DA or is it not??'' she made me realise just how subtle it can be..... When my marriage is going well.. it's going really really well... for very long periods... when it isn't - isn't... Yet still I can't be sure it's abuse!!!!

How do I decipher whether or not the whole Xbox incident (which makes me feel sick to my stomach!!) was/is DA or whether all of the people on this forum are just slightly biased because of their own experiences?

I WHOLE HEARTEDLY mean that with the upmost respect for everyone helping me on here... I am in no way minimising anything... I just GENUINELY need some clarity.. & help!! Again - I feel so alone!!!

Steve - in answer to your question 'what are you worried he'd do to them if he were left alone with them?'.... honestly?? I don't know anymore!! Their dad, my husband that I have been with for almost 17 years, up until these last couple of years, I would have bet every penny I had on him treating them how he should...

But - is this a classic case of a DA perpetrator slowly simmering & his abusive behaviour slowly progressing?? In which case I just don't feel ready/prepared to risk never not being there for my babies!!

Look forward to hearing more from you all!

Hello I just wanted to comment to you about your children and your husband. I have two children grown now. My husband has smashed many things in front of my kids. I can't really give you good advice about being a wife as I have alot of work myself. However I would suggest lots of talking and reassuring with your kids about what's happening. As your children get older especially the boys they will challenge him more. My son challenged my husband until he began to realize it affected me. As a mom keep explaining to your children that dad's behavior and moods are not right and it's not their fault. This is very hard because it will bring many questions to you from them like why do you stay why do you let him hurt you. But allow them to express to you these things and try not to justify yourself but be honest with them while loving them through it. I also taught my kids to recognize his moods when they were older as best they could. They also had an agreement with a friend from church that they could go to there house at any time. If he seemed like it would be a really bad night they would go for the night. Teach your children safety and continue to reassure them the right and wrong. I would always have a sit down with them and explain the situation and how and where it went wrong and why. It's really a fine line but I so wanted them to have a right understanding and not a twisted view, without causing dis respect to their dad. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers.

I hope the advice I gave is ok and not wrong. Please someone correct me if I have said anything out of turn. Thanks.
Brownie

I always think if only I would have left that first time... But I didn't and then I was having our first baby. Again answering the question why do we stay I was always honest. Honest when they were older of course. I was always honest at an age appropriate level. But I would say I don't know why mommy doesn't leave I'm scared to. I would say I'm here because I believe God wants me to do all I can to be a good wife. I even have said I want to leave but think I'm to weak to do it I'm afraid of the fight daddy might give me I've said I want to keep you safe and it seems that would be me staying and havmg some control when your with daddy. I also would always remind them that the behavior of being physcial with someone or screaming/degrading them is not right. I always enforced it doesn't matter what the person does. I'm sure your husband like mine will try to justify why they do what they do my struggle is I so believe everything he says and believe I do deserve certain punishments. It's ok to tell your children you don't know but you love them and want to do what will keep them safe.

Brownie

Hi all....
Thank you finallyfree...
In my gut I know you are right......... HOWEVER!! I STILL stupidly am not ready to leave..
This has been such a weird week.... the most weirdest I have had for many years... it has dawned on me that I neither want my husband any more... but alongside that realise life will be so much easier with him.... financially!!!!
It has hit me... all he has been really is a sperm donor... & a bank donor!!!!
I haven't been able to eat properly all week.... nor sleep... I just cannot seem to gain closure on the Xbox incident!!!
He keeps saying that my boys behaviour is due to the amount of time he spends on the xbox & that I don't do anything to monitor this???
HE IS STILL MANAGING TO CONFUSE ME & MAKE ME THINK MAYBE HE HAS A POINT??
There has still been no sign of crocodile tears...... or apologies.....?
Any replies very welcome!