I have been abused for a few years now. I know it is abuse even though he says it isn't because he doesn't hit me. He makes me feel guilty for not wanting to be with him. He makes me feel guilty for not loving him anymore. He yells and swears at me at least twice a week. I really think he enjoys it. The worst part is he yells and swears in front of our daughter who is less than 2. He will make every excuse to not change. But I need change. I don't want to feel, sometimes I want to die. I feel so alone, hurt, scared. He says he is scared to death of being without me, but I told him it is the opposite for me. There is so much I need to get out of my system I dont know how to get my thoughts out. I need to heal from everything he's done to me. I don't even know where to start, how do you heal when they are still there? How do you heal when people say, "why are you letting him?" Like I am asking for it. How do you heal in a place that is nightmare? I don't even know how I can get the courage to leave with my baby. I hate my life so much, I sometimes dream that he will watch me die and finally he will change. I have so many sick thoughts, I live in a sick home and I don't want my daughter growing up on this poison. I don't know where to start, but here. I put it out there as best I could right now. Is this a start to heal?
It sounds like a very unhealthy environment for you and your daughter at home. You did find a very supportive and safe place here and we are happy you found the strength to share. Wanting to get better and realizing you are living in an abusive relationship are the first steps to a better life.
If you want to, call a domestic violence hotline from a shelter in your city or state. Or the national hotline of your country. They can help you with practical and free offers of all sorts of help. It doesnt mean that you have to choose now to leave or really do anything. Just listen to what they can offer you and what resources you can tap into.
Sometimes it helps to just have someone understand and listen....and then feel stronger and encouraged to walk the first baby steps away from the abuser.
Stay strong and hang in there. Let us know how we can help