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Nov 5, 2014 7:28:50 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 5, 2014 7:28:50 GMT
Hello, I don't know how to begin. So I will just come out and say it. My partner of 18 months held me against a wall and whipped me with a belt tonight. Ten or twelve times, until I couldn't stand up anymore. I need to get out but I don't know what to do. I'm an Irish woman In America on a student visa. My partner is from Turkey, but he's lived in America for 3 years. I am Catholic and he is Muslim but he told me he was non-practicing and not very religious. He prays at night, but he hasn't gone to Mosque here that I'm aware of.
He was wonderful in the beginning, as I suppose they all are. Then he started saying little things, about swearing, about drinking, about the way I dressed. He said certain things weren't proper, like going out to a pub with friends, especially if there were male friends in the group. I dismissed it at first because I thought it was just his culture. But I began changing little by little, making accommodations to please him and I didn't realize until seven months ago how much I had changed. I started pushing back and doing things my way again. I told him I love him but I was beginning not to recognize myself. I thought he understood, but he started becoming irritable and short with me. I said to him one night when I'd been drinking, that if he wants an obedient woman he should go back to Turkey. He slapped me in the face. I knew it was wrong, but I thought what I said was awful also, so I felt like I deserved that one. He said he was sorry and we agreed to let it go. I sort of thought if we didn't talk about it, it would go away. A month after that, he twisted my wrist, knowing I have chronic pain. I've left him twice in the last five months, but he's always been able to persuade me to patch things up. He said it had been difficult for him to adjust to Western culture, but was the best thing that ever happened to him. He said he'd do anything, even become an Irish citizen for me.
Tonight he told me I had too much makeup on. I only had a little mascara and a light lipstick so I was confused. He wouldn't let up and I swore at him. He said I'd better mind my tongue and I said I'd speak any way I pleased. I expected to get slapped or something, but not this. After, he just put his belt back on, he said he'd see me tomorrow and he walked out of my apartment. As if what he'd just done was perfectly normal. I'm still in a bit of shock but I know he could come back. I know about shelters and the police, but I don't feel like I can hide out. I have only 6 1/2 months until I graduate and I don't want to mess that up. I've worked too hard. But he attends the same university and knows my schedule. If I have him arrested, he'll be out tomorrow. If I can just end it and he'll accept it, then I'd rather go that way than involve police. Then I can get on with school then go back home. Do I sound delusional to hope for that? I don't know how to do this.
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janine
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Nov 5, 2014 14:19:27 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 5, 2014 14:19:27 GMT
Hey Gina and welcome here, I am a European citizen living in the USA as well, and have gone to graduate school here in Illinois. I can relate to your concerns, especially since my Ex in Australia has been abusive too, many years ago. Back then I felt unsure about everything, and I can only imagine being on a student visa for you and graduating soon makes you want to end things in a civil and safe way. The first thing I usually say to anyone coming here is to reach out to a DV hotline. A professional counselor can help you there- and you will NOT have to give them your name or number or anything. The second advantage you have, is that you are an international student in the USA, which means you have the right to receive a certain amount of counseling hours on campus, with the campus health care unit. You can call them right away today to set up an appointment- mention to the front desk lady who schedules you that you are dealing with domestic violence and depression. The reason is, that usually then they schedule you in right away-- and you will not have to sit alone with your fears and worries for another 4 months. You also do NOT have to tell the counselor you see that your boyfriend (or Ex) is at the same university. It helps of course, but when you first go in, check how you like that first counselor assigned to you. Sometimes a psychiatrist does the intake- which is one 45 min. session, then you will be asked if you prefer a male or female counselor. I chose female back then. You can google 'warning signs of a bad counselor' or 'good counselor behavior' before you go-- to kind of get an impression of what to expect, how to know if you got a good one that FEELS right. Again, you will not have to tell them about his name or anything- they can still be an amazing support and help-- especially since you are an international student and far from home-- which can add to the isolation, depression and post traumatic stress you are most likely experiencing. In general go with 'if it feels right it is right' in everything I found...that goes for him as well. Turkish men in general do have a 'machismo' culture that is male dominated. There are tons of exceptions of course, I am from Germany and met a lot of amazing, gentle and respectful Turkish men back home, who would NEVER hurt a woman. So this is not 'just because he is Muslim or Turkish'-- in fact a REAL Muslim will tell you the Koran does NOT encourage men to abuse women, not at all. The good Turkish men I know, worship their wives and daughters and are against violence. Sadly, with every religion you get people who abuse the religion or their background as an excuse. In a way abusers know that their victims want to believe he "could be the great guy I once met again...IF ONLY I.....lose weight, act nicer, love him more, change myself, dress differently, cook better, call more often, listen better,...." It is called the cycle of abuse, and you have already experienced a few rounds in it - starting with the slap. The fact that you felt a comment from you justified a physical response from him, is one sign that you have been experiencing 'traumatic bonding or Stockholm syndrome'-- this is caused by a cognitive dissonance in the brain (you can google both terms, there is tons of information online and on our website) - meaning something that made NO sense at all happened to you. Why? There is no reason why he did that, other than he is an abuser. In psychology we talk about a 'just world' -- we do not live in a world where good things happen to good people, and bad things to bad people. We live in a world where bad things can happen to good people, for no other reason than it being the world we live in. People are being raped or abused without having 'made him do it'-- so you NEVER made him do any of this to you. He chose to do it. He is VERY aware of what he does and how it controls you. I highly recommend you read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Mr. Bancroft is a very experienced psychotherapist, who has worked for over 30 years with abusers and their victims. The book is a 'bible' for DV victims and I have yet to meet one person who did not find it extremely helpful and eye opening. Stay safe, listen to your gut with whatever it is you do. We are always here anyways, no matter what. Reach out to the DV hotline, make a counseling appointment at your campus as soon as you can. Play your role if you have to- to stay safe. I myself had to lie to my Ex, because he became very aggressive when I wanted to leave him. I told him I would not leave and I loved him, I told him I would change and how I could see how mean I had been to him. Just to survive. Abusers can potentially become more aggressive and dangerous when you want to leave or right after leaving- not to scare you, but to share the research and my own experience. It is like they shift into 'end game' gear. They already know you see through their game-- and they will do everything they can to prevent from losing control over you. My Ex would text me one second he loved and missed me, that he would commit suicide if i didnt come back (they never do, but I often wish they did, since they also never stop abusing women and leave a trail of traumatized people along their path-- but then again I condone all acts of violence and suicide is of course a very sad thing. It is just abusers won't do it- and it is just a show to get you back and care for HIM, not yourself) The next second my Ex would threaten me, insult me, call me awful names I have never been called before in my life. Then he would punch walls, the whole show. So listen to your gut, you do not have to go through this alone. You have your entire life ahead of you!!! And soon you will be a beautiful graduate, flying back home (I hope Aer Lingus?? ) to your green island-- oh man that just really made me miss Europe right there. I cannot wait to go home myself again soon. You will have a great degree from a US university- and many open doors for your job future. Your old friends, family....and you will dress how you want, shine how you want, be as loud and use as many beautiful Irish swear words as you would like!! I personally LOVE my Irish coworkers and their use of words. It is funny, good humored and Irish people know how to enjoy life. Do not let some stranger make you believe you have to change or stop shining. He has no right to tell you how to live, he is just an abuser you met by accident and he slowly wheeled you in. To avoid dating abusers in the future, I can highly recommend also the book "Jerk Radar' by Steve McCrea. The book (together with 'Why does he do that") will probably show you that there were red flags from the start- that he has never been just nice and you made him change because you do not behave well enough. Abusers test the water- if he can get away with a face slap? Sure, he moves on to whipping with a belt or choking. My Ex started with punching walls, then he went on to 'joke' about choking me to death- and pushed me into the streets where I smashed my elbow. --- your life is just starting. This will be nothing but a bad memory one day. You will overcome this, you will be ok. Years out I no longer care about my Ex. I did 'no contact' when I left him, meaning I changed my phone, my e-mail, everything. No contact means absolutely no contact- we have an article about it on our website as well. In 'Why does he do that" the author describes how to come up with a safety leaving plan as well. You want to be extra careful when you plan to leave. The DV hotline and the counselor will be great help when you talk to them. Let us know how that went, we are here.
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janine
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Nov 5, 2014 15:03:28 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 5, 2014 15:03:28 GMT
Also, I just read your post one more time- I am really sorry you had to experience being whipped with a belt. I can only imagine how painful this has been, and still is. You have my compassion.
Now, even though we advise all victims to listen to their gut- maybe you want to see a doctor to document the wounds- or at least take pictures of them yourself. You may need this later as proof- as much as I of course wish you could just tell him it is over, and he leaves you alone. Chances are he knows you graduate soon, and he will become more abusive to make sure you are being controlled by him, and he can do what he wants to you once your visa expires.
Again, your gut has the answers- but reading how severely he abused you with the belt-- I am highly concerned about your safety and physical well being. The college health center can help you with how to go ahead about this- give them a ring. Nobody will force you to give his name away- but they can check for bruises, internal injuries and help you get started with counseling.
We are here.
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Nov 5, 2014 22:04:29 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 5, 2014 22:04:29 GMT
Hello, Janine. It's good to hear from someone who understands. It's difficult not having parents or other family members nearby who I can run to. I told my roommate everything. I didn't sleep much last night because I couldn't find a position that didn't hurt. Then she saw the marks on my arms and my back, and basically, she guessed, correctly.. I am waiting for an appointment at the student health center this afternoon. They were booked but they will call when they can fit me in. Sometime today, if possible. I don't know what I'll do if they don't. I haven't been back to my apartment or to my classes because I'm afraid he'll show up and do something, or I'll give in to him. I'm still torn about ringing the police. It would get him locked for now, but it could make him really angry and make things worse. But then, whenat if I tell him it's over, and he can't accept it? Will I have to spend the next six months stringing him along? If I was going to stay in America long-term, I'd have him arrested for sure, but I only have to get by until next spring and then I will be rid of him for good.
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janine
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Nov 5, 2014 23:45:30 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 5, 2014 23:45:30 GMT
I understand your concerns- they are very valid.
If you feel like this is an emergency and you want to see a health professional today- to check your wounds etc. do not hesitate to go to a regular ER instead or "Prompt Care"-- or call a local DV hotline or the national USA DV hotline for advice.
You do not have to sit there in pain by yourself- you deserve proper medical treatment and attention.
As for police or anything else, maybe right now all you could do is have your wounds be looked at and documented, and see a counselor as soon as they can get you in. Once you have professional support, it may be easier for you to make an informed decision about what to do next.
We are here
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Nov 6, 2014 0:50:30 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 6, 2014 0:50:30 GMT
I was able to get in this afternoon and see a nurse practitioner. She took pictures for me and gave me some pain medication and an antibiotic, as my skin was broken in a couple of places, which I didn't realize. She was really pushing me to report it to police right now. I haven't, but I promised her that if I see him and feel unsafe, I will do it then. He's been phoning me non stop and I haven't answered. I may return his calls later tonight just to get a feel for where he is at (his head, that is). I know this is probably all wrong and I shouldn't be having any contact at all, but I want to be prepared in case I have to involve the police.
I feel like such a fool for getting myself in this situation. I was supposed to have a short holiday in Turkey with him over winter break, and enjoy my final year here, and instead I'm going to be looking over my shoulder. I'm sorry for complaining. I'm sure others have been through far worse. I'm just frustrated and angry.
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janine
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Nov 6, 2014 1:23:20 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 6, 2014 1:23:20 GMT
Gina, this is NOT your fault. You never ever agreed to being whipped with a belt, slapped and insulted and imprisoned during --what should be-- a happy time abroad.
Do you feel comfortable calling your parents? Or a sibling back home in Ireland? Maybe an old friend? It might help you feel less alone.
You owe this man NOTHING. Turkey is really on top also a backwards country when it comes to women's rights, and unless he is from the bigger cities like Istanbul etc.- chances are you would have found yourself in a very oppressing environment.
I understand the urge to answer the phone. I was there years ago- and I did pick up, I did let my Ex whine and cry, and threaten and beg and promise ...until I went back a few times and finally had enough.
Do what YOU feel in your gut is best. Stay safe.
Abusers can be unpredictable -- he may come across all sorry or crocodile tears, he might promise to make changes, he might cry and 'admit he has a problem and need help'....I could come up with tons more standard abuser excuses.
You did NOT cause this. The shame you feel is part of the trauma. He is alone responsible for getting you into an abusive situation. I bet my German world soccer championship win this year he abused his ex girlfriends, and he WILL keep abusing you and the next girlfriend after you.
Have a DV hotline number ready to call- and if you feel unsafe, please call 911. But ONLY if you feel you are safe when you call. You know this abuser best, and Mr. Bancroft says in his book "Why does he do that" also that still the best person to keep herself safe, is the victim of the abuser.
We are here, no matter what. I know most of us went back a few times, so we will never judge you.
It will be ok. You will be ok.
Have you been able to schedule a counseling appointment on campus with a counselor? I did that when I was in graduate school in the USA and it was a lifeline for me to deal with the trauma from the abuse.
You are brave and you are strong. He never took anything from you. You will overcome this and go home with a degree, find a great job...and once you are healed meet a gentle, kind man - and swear as much as you want, wear what you want, and never ever fear your partner.
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janine
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Nov 6, 2014 1:28:26 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 6, 2014 1:28:26 GMT
And your first post reminded me of my ex- he started off by saying I acted out when I drank. Being German I always enjoyed my beers- and I never had any issues with it- if anything my friends would think I am even more funny and warm than sober.
My ex slowly started to make me sacrifice what I like..until I could not even recognize myself anymore.
Let us know what the DV hotline and counselor said. If you can, turn off that phone or get rid of the sim card now and get a new one. Write down numbers you need to have.
All you have to do is look after yourself now and do what feels right. If you tell him ONE time to stay away and not contact you anymore -- you have a right to have him arrested for stalking, but definitely also for the abuse with the belt. Your personal safety is more important now- and worst case you transfer to a college in Ireland.
You do not have to live in fear or endure abuse another 6 months.
There are other options, let your trusted ones know and I have worked in college credit transfers before- it is nowadays much, much easier to have all credits transferred from the USA to an EU uni and graduate there.
I am just putting out options- it does not mean one of them has to be yours. I just remember feeling sooo stuck back with my abuser that I felt my life was over. But it was not....he just had me believed I had no power and had to endure the abuse.
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Nov 6, 2014 6:23:23 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 6, 2014 6:23:23 GMT
I spoke with him tonight. He said everything you said he would. I told him I didn't want to see him again, and he begged and begged me to reconsider. I said no, I can't live always afraid off doing or saying the wrong thing. I am who I am. He told me he would leave me alone. So I went home and an hour later, he was at my door. My roommate answered and told him I wasn't home. He told her he was only there to return some of my things, but she said he kept ducking his head in the doorway, looking around. She told me if I don't want to call the police right now, then we should both sleep with our phones in case he comes back, and she will call 911 if I won't. I suppose I can't be angry with her. It's her home too. I wasn't even considering that.
I got an emergency counseling appointment for Friday. Tomorrow I will have my phone number changed and maybe call my ma and dad. Right now, I'm going to say a prayer that he stays away, take a vicodine and pass out.
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janine
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Nov 6, 2014 15:14:40 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 6, 2014 15:14:40 GMT
I am glad your roommate stood up for you. Yes, she is affected too and has the right to call the police. But please do not let this create toxic shame in you.
She is an adult and takes care of herself, so do you. She did what she had to do, and you would do the same for her, if she was in your situation. She is trying to help you and protect you and herself.
I am very proud of you for speaking up and telling him to stay away. Once you have a new phone and email, it will be easier. He will pull all abuser tactics. Expect everything and reach out for help if needed. His goal will be to catch you off guard-- he will try and 'by accident' or purposely waiting somewhere he knows you are at. It can be helpful to now involve campus security should he dare to show up at one of your classes. It is called stalking and against the US law.
He will try and isolate you to 'talk to you one last time and find closure since he doesn't understand what is going on...or he is soooooo sorry and pleasseee give him one more chance...blabla blubs blabla."
You might have to also cut out 'friends' whom he uses to get to you. Friends who write or call saying he might try to commit suicide and they are worried about him...HE needs help. That is always the one thing that get's me angry-- why the f... does nobody care about the victim, but burdens HER with HIS abusive choices? As if you as a victim have not enough to deal with. My advice- even if it hurts, even if people you never expected to take his side directly or even by staying 'neutral' cut them out. Don't think twice.
The belt whipping and the slap are serious indicators he could have caused you long term physical and emotional damage. He will do it again- and even more so if he has a chance to get 'you back'. Anyone who is for him or neutral, is approving of abuse of women. Period. And these people have no space in your life.
You did NOT lose a wonderful male specimen, who would father your children lovingly whilst whipping their mom and them with a belt, you dodged a bullet there and gave yourself a very strong message: ENOUGH!
You show yourself love and support through this.
If you feel your parents are safe and talking to them might help- do that. I have had a woman from Ireland just a few months ago here who had estranged her parents due to dating an abuser and she was so scared of letting them know...but when she did, she said it was the best thing she has ever done. Her parents wired her money and she was on the next flight home.
That is if you and your parents have a healthy relationship- and if you feel both are non-abusive and supportive.
We are here- and anything you might feel in the days, weeks to come will most likely include:
- missing him (yes, you might find yourself overly missing him, almost like a drug withdrawal-- that does go away. No contact is essential. It helped me to keep a list of things my Ex had done right close to me- so I would go back and read what he did when I wanted to make it all go away and be back with him) - have anger/depression/fears/ anxiety/nightmares -- all of those come with PTSD, post traumatic stress- - daily rollercoasters of intense emotions- and intrusive thoughts
Your emergency counselor Friday will be able to help you with all of this.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft might be a good resource for you right now,- amazon has it for the Kindle too.
I will make sure to check in here a bit more often over the next few days- to see how you are doing. Share only what you feel comfortable with and take a break from posting here anytime YOU feel this is the best way to heal.
We are always here if you need us, for as much or little as you need us.
If it is right, it will feel right. Your gut has the answers. Love and relationships are about being safe, feeling at home, being yourself.
--- when I met my now long-term partner he NEVER ever told me the things my abusive ex did, nor did he ever treat me that way. I was my German, drunk tipsy happy - foul mouthed self, he never ever said one negative word about it. The opposite!!! He lifted me up, made me feel funny and ok and enough. He let me have a bad day and say something mean-- and still does--- and I never feel threatened. I can be who I am, at my worst and at my best. He forgives me, he nurtures my true self, he enables opportunities, he encourages me to see friends and family on my own--- he never ever checks in on me, he respects my wishes. He let's me make mistakes and smiles lovingly at them. (I tend to spill my coffee everywhere on the carpet) --
All of that, you never get with an abuser.
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Nov 6, 2014 16:32:20 GMT
Post by crystal on Nov 6, 2014 16:32:20 GMT
Hi Gina
None of this is your fault - he is the one with the problem. I hope your counselling appointment goes well on Friday. You usually know very quick if the counsellor is the one for you or not.
I can also so relate to how alone you must feel being so far away from home. That is so so hard and isolating. For the last three years of the abuse I went through with my ex-husband we were living out in the Middle East and once he had me away from my family and friends his abuse of me escalated at an alarming rate.
Well done also for speaking up and for changing your number. When an abuser tries to get you back they always beg and say they will change but they never do. My ex used to try to get me back before I divorced him but I could just see the chilling look in his eyes that it was an act and eventually got free.
If you have a good relationship with your parents call them or like Janine said a good trusted friend.
Thinking of you x
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Nov 7, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 7, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
Well, I am now sitting in the police station to file a report. His remorse and promises were frighteningly short-lived. I went to classes today and I saw him everywhere. Not busy, just sort of lingering. He didn't approach me, he only looked at me. In the cafeteria, he sat a few tables away and smiled at me, at one point, gesturing at me to come over. I did my best to ignore him, but it was difficult. When I came home in the afternoon, he was across the street, sitting on a bench at the park, which my apartment window faces. My roommate said the police can't do anything unless I file for a protection order, and even then, he wouldn't be violating it unless he approached me. So I just shut the blinds so he couldn't see in, and tried to not think about it. Later when I went out to my car, he was in the lot. I told him I'd ring the police and he said he hadn't done anything. Is he delusional? I said I didn't want to involve the police, but I would if I had to. He said if I hadn't spoken to him the way I did, it wouldn't have happened. I pushed him into it, he said! I told him to f-ck off, and how does he like that? He said maybe he didn't do enough and I need a lesson in respect. I jumped into my car and drove away, as he was shouting at me to come back. I tried not to let on, but I was absolutely shaking. I expected him to try things to get me back, but not so soon and not like this. Is this normal for abusers, or is he even more mad than most?
I called my parents. They of course, want me to come home, but I'm not ready to do that yet. My dad was angry (at my partner, not at me) and my ma just cried and cried. I am glad they know now, so I don't feel so alone, but I didn't want to hurt them, either.
At least I will have a protection order soon.
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janine
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Nov 7, 2014 2:27:25 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 7, 2014 2:27:25 GMT
I am so glad you contacted your parents.
That behavior is sadly very normal for abusers, and I would like to encourage you to be extra careful. It is what Bancroft calls 'the abuser's end game'-- meaning he has nothing to lose at this point, but still considers you his property, and only HE chooses when he does not need you anymore.
If you feel at any point in danger, please do not hesitate to tell your parents you will come home on the next available flight. NOTHING is worth risking your life or physical safety.
I hope of course the protection order will be a warning to him, however it is in the end a piece of paper. Once he violates it, you call the police and they take it from there-- but all it takes is one time you cannot call the police on time. I do not want to scare you, I believe in fact this step encourages you and was anyways the ONLY way to get out of this abusive relationship-- he was already too abusive and convinced you are his to control.
So don't beat yourself up, you did everything right -- and I am glad you have told your parents.
We are here, I will check in a few more times before bed time here in Illinois. Call 911 if you are concerned about anything, and seek all extra safety precautions you can take.
(Pepper spray etc.) and locking all doors - don't go out alone at night, don't go anywhere alone, and if he has access to firearms, please let the police know. If that is the case, and if he has 'joked' in the past about 'shooting someone, there is extra caution advised.
You will be ok, this will pass. This will all be nothing but a bad memory one day.
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Nov 7, 2014 5:22:53 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 7, 2014 5:22:53 GMT
Crap, he just came banging on my front door! He said he wasn't going to go away until I spoke to him. We had to call 911 and the police came but he was gone and they haven't found him. I'm going to a shelter and my roommate is staying with her family. I'm scared. He hadn't yet been served with the protection order so I don't even know if they'll be able to hold him if they do find him. I feel like my life is falling apart.
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janine
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Nov 7, 2014 13:34:04 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 7, 2014 13:34:04 GMT
It is good you called 911 and that you girls both found a safe place to stay at. I would say move from that apartment IF you choose to stay there longer.
Your life might feel like it is falling apart right now, but really it is coming together. He was already in your life- and the danger he was already there. At that point you had two options- remain in danger and keep on being beaten and hurt severely, or....work your way out.
It will get better. Listen to your gut.
It would be ok to go home and the shelter and your parents will be great support now-
we are here!!!
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janine
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Nov 7, 2014 14:04:02 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 7, 2014 14:04:02 GMT
By the way- I forgot to say that even though right NOW it does not yet feel like your life will ever be normal again, I can promise you it will. The night I ran away from my Ex I had nothing but my underwear on, had a friend to whom I ran guard the door to her apartment with a baseball bat since he came after me-- and then we called the police.
I come from a middle class, average German home. Good school, good university. I never took drugs or really did anything 'out of the norm'-- and so I felt that I would NEVER be a victim of domestic violence. That was many years ago when I had NO clue about domestic violence, and I had all those very false (but common) misconceptions that 'only these others' would experience it. That somehow, because of my background and education, I would never ever experience such a thing.
It also added to me waiting much longer than I should have to leave him. "Clearly this cannot be domestic violence, I am not ____________ (fill in with all sorts of stereotypes)."
But it was.
And years later I am ok with it. Just because it happened to me - does NOT mean these experiences defined who I was or where I was headed. Now I can honestly say I am thankful I learned that some men are abusive, that I can learn to watch the red flags, and that I can live happily without a partner. I trust myself, I take good care of myself.
You WILL get there.
Right now it might seem like YOU made everyone else sad or worried (Your mom, your roommate etc.) but that is not the case. HE did that, not you. It is normal for someone who experienced this kind of relationship to blame herself -- which is usually what the abuser wants. If the victim assumes that she already alienated everyone else, then the only person to go to, is him.
Your situation speaks to me, because back then I did NOT want to 'give it all up and let him win'-- but there came a time when I realized the police could not always be right there. That my protection order was a piece of paper, that in case of doubt would have not protected me, had he waited for me in our small community somewhere.
You might be able to get him arrested for a longer time- but in the end the question is what is worth more. The peace of mind, maybe a few more classes in Ireland to take to graduate- but going to call not wondering if he is around the corner- sleeping in peace, going out with friends and not wondering if she shows up...
I choose with a heavy heart back then to leave the continent i was on and fly home to Europe. It took me time to grieve the loss of coworkers and friends that came with that move- but...I told myself I would have left anyways since my visa was running out a few months later.
I WON my own freedom, safety, a good, sound sleep- and a future that was wide open with a healthy body and mind.
We are here no matter what you do. I understand this is very hard right now, and that you would like to stay calm and make rational decisions regarding what is next. Be kind and patient with yourself, this is the first time you have to deal with all of this.
I was all overwhelmed since back then I had NEVER ever called 911 before, let alone filed something in court....To me it was something I never thought I would do.
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Nov 7, 2014 23:19:06 GMT
Post by Gina on Nov 7, 2014 23:19:06 GMT
Janine, they got him! And he's been served with the protection order. He can appeal it in court, however. Right now all they have on him is disturbing the peace or some crap like that. So the shelter counselor recommended I file charges for then domestic assault. With that on record, any appraisal would almost definitely be thrown out by the judge. I also found out a few things about him I didn't know. First, he has a record. Misdemeanor domestic assault and violation of a prior stalking protection order. The most shocking part is that this was from 11 months ago, 7 months after I met him! How did he keep this from me? None of his friends, or his brother,who also lives here,ever said anything about it. In a way, the prior convictions are good for me, because it means if he violates my protection order, he can be charged with a felony (versus contempt or a misdemeanor).
I'm still considering my options as far as staying or going back. I want also to look into whether I could transfer universities here in this state with a student visa. So I could stay in the U.S.. without him knowing where I am. I love and miss my family and my country, but the thought of being run out of the country is making me sick.
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janine
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Nov 7, 2014 23:54:23 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 7, 2014 23:54:23 GMT
I can totally understand everything you said.
Don't beat yourself up about not knowing about his past....abusers are simply awful human beings. I am SO glad you reported him. The US court system is well aware of DV nowadays and can be very strict in response to this. I hope the judge understands he poses a threat to the public. Sometimes judges go beyond what is expected to keep these guys locked up for as long as possible. You can technically transfer within the US (I worked in an international student advisor office here before) so that is def an option.
After I filed against my ex, i found out his ex before me had almost filed, but then did not out of fear. She then told me she had regretted to not have filed before. I know my ex abused the women after me...it is a neverending cycle and you just left it. One 'good' news is that he has stalked someone before- so most likely he will move on to an 'easier' victim if you keep on reporting him and allow no space for him to harass you.
My favorite outcome of course would be here is being kicked out of the country. If he is not a permanent resident and on a student visa as well, that might happen. USCIS is usually very good at also being strict with visa requirements...
We are always here.
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janine
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Nov 7, 2014 23:57:28 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 7, 2014 23:57:28 GMT
Oh and you can bet 10 Euros his brother is also either an abuser, or simply does not find his behavior bad. My ex had tons of friends who did not react at all how i wish they had- many still are his friends.
abusers can play so well- they can fool those around you that are not that close very well. After all, they fool you at the start...so i told myself had to cut out every single person that was not seeing the seriousness and danger of his behavior.
Stay at the shelter as long as you have to and get all the help available. That is why these people are there for.
Your entire life is ahead of you and I think in many ways it is great you still put graduation and your education first. Just remember, the USA will always be here. You can always come back for a Masters- like I did. If it compromises your safety, leaving is always a good choice as well. Your gut will guide you.
oxox hugs and energy from Illinois
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janine
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Nov 8, 2014 23:46:19 GMT
Post by janine on Nov 8, 2014 23:46:19 GMT
Hey Gina,
I hope you are doing ok. We are thinking of you!
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