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Post by A on Oct 25, 2014 10:51:35 GMT
It's been playing in my mind for months. I don't wanna be a punching bag anymore. I don't want to be controlled. How do I walk away?
I feel bad for leaving him even though I shouldn't. I know I need to walk away to be free and happy. But I can't.
I love him so much. I'm scared to be on my own. I've lost so many people in my life, and I know when I leave I'm going to be in a bad place. I just know I can't be in this anymore.
I'm feeling to just cut all cords with him. Completely.
I'm scared.
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janine
Member
Admin
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Post by janine on Oct 25, 2014 13:00:53 GMT
Go!  That said, it is not easy to leave and took me 3 attempts to go and stay away. Now might be a good time to reach out to a DV hotline- talking to a real person on the phone, who has training in DV counseling, might be what feels right now. Is there any chance you might be able to go see a counselor, or at least contact a local DV shelter to see if they have group or individual therapy? (it is for free, you wont have to pay) ? Leaving is a process, it takes time. Be kind to yourself. I look at it his way- there are two ways. One leads you guaranteed into losing your life and sanity to an abuser - for as long as you are with him. The other path is like a drug withdrawal, it hurts, it might be hard - but...there is an end to it. Deep breaths, lots of water, reach out to trusted friends on your side and a DV hotline and shelter. it makes all the difference to have a community behind you to support your healing. we are always here, no matter what you do or don't do. |
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Post by confusedandhurt on Oct 25, 2014 19:01:11 GMT
Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I did. I planned it behind his back and still feel bad about that, but there was no other way, it was not a discussion I could ever have had with him.
Yes it was scary, I spoke to my local refuge and they were great putting all the safety measures in place.
I cried my eyes out when I left, I was leaving all of my naive hopes and dreams, it was hard.
I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks, but in the big picture of my life that's a small price to pay. This time last year with him was particularly bad, and I'm in my own place, pleasing myself right now, and I'm thankful for that.
I won't tell you it's easy, but I know it was the right decision.
Here's a quote I once heard...'I love you, but, I love me more'....that helped me to justify my actions to myself when I left.
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Post by A on Oct 25, 2014 21:43:55 GMT
Hi Janine & confusedandhurt.
I'm coming to terms with the fact I need to leave.
It's crazy because even though I don't have my dad in my life, I have a supportive mum, supportive family. A good home but behind all of that and behind closed doors is what's happening to me. It's crazy.
I don't want people to think I would t have support, because if my family knew they'd support me to the fullest and ensure I got through it. It's like I'm ignoring help even though I know I need it.
I had cousilling at 15 years old and I hated it.
I'm just very confused and stressed at the moment.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 25, 2014 22:01:41 GMT
Hi Confused...leaving my ex was very difficult...I stayed up for 24 hrs..cried all night and sat outside his bedroom door and listened to him snore and sleep soundly. He kicked me out and even though most abusers don't do that, it really was his way of controlling me. He also knew that doing that would hurt me and put me in my place. I took 2 sick days from work and sobbed for most of those 2 days. I am 6 weeks..almost 7 weeks out. It was very hard to do, but there is a ton of positive. I miss the "illusion" of him, what I thought was love and my "happily ever after"..but everyday I am reminded of how much of a lie it all was. I fought back and I believe that is why my ex kicked me out, I was too much trouble and he couldn't control me and get me to do what he wanted.
I know you are stressed..all I can say is it really will get better. I keep telling myself that and it already has gotten better. The DV people will really help you. My family also has been a huge help, when my father found out what my ex did to me emotionally..he said to me very clearly "get out now". He didn't even hesitate. My parents and my sister have been very supportive and my friends have stepped up and also listened and supported me. One word...GO...it will be better..honest.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 25, 2014 22:05:34 GMT
I am sorry A..I meant to address you as "A", not "Confused"..I was reading too many responses at the same time..my apology. K
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Post by A on Oct 25, 2014 22:26:07 GMT
Hi Karen.
Thank you for posting to me, I think your a very brave women for up and leaving someone who never even deserved your love, or your time. I bet it was hard but you gotta think, one day you'll meet someone that will do all the things he never did, someone who treats you the way you should be treated. A normal happy relationship, I hope that for you anyway .. Your very inspirational towards me to be honest and I hope one day, hopefully sooner rather than later I can be strong like you and find the strength to leave. I mean it should be easy shouldn't it? I don't even live with him. But sometimes when he's having a "good day" I feel like nothing else matters, but I always have at the back of my mind everything he's ever done to me. I'm just petrified of being stalked, my biggest fear is to break up with him and it not be the end of it. Not even break up, just cut off all ties and pray he gets the message.
I pray every night, to god and my grandad and pray they both keep me safe from whatever the outcome may be.
But I strongly believe god made a plan for everyone, so what did I do wrong to deserve this plan?
I tried to get my boyfriend to go cousilling with me, I told him his violence is a problem within him it's not my fault. He told me I was 'crazy' and cousilling is for the weak. I felt like saying you right now, as a man. Are too weak.
I've been thinking about this stage for almost a year now, I've known since my boyfriend cheated on me that I would never ever be a number one priority, I've known it was never love and I was just someone for him to take him bad days out on. He shown more love to the other women than he ever has to me.
But how can I leave without giving him a reason? If I told him it was the violence he'd tell me he's stopped. He hasn't hit me for around 3 months, but that still doesn't give him the ability to use that as an excuse. He's always justified his behaviour by saying I did things which 'pissed him off' although if I didn't look him in the eyes when he spoke to me, he would slap me around my face until I did.
I've been through so much, sounds cliche but I have and I'm only 18 years old. I want to see the world, I want to become a counsellor myself but how could I even be One when I'm this weak? I'll never give up on my goals though. It's what's driving me to succeed. Helping others. It's my passion in life. Always has been since I cared for my grandpa before he died of cancer.
I'll just keep praying every night, everyone's probably sick of hearing me saying "I know i need to leave" but on here all you beautiful people know it isn't as easy for all of us just to up and leave and that be the end of it.
Theirs men and then theirs Abusers. Their different.
I wish his family would stop telling me it's allowed in the Muslim religion. It's not, and I know that myself. Although, I went to a friend who was Muslim and she told me it's not but Muslim men believe it to be allowed. Which is madness.
Thank you for your support, and by the way your a very brave women, you'll soon feel happy again and strong enough to live the life you have deserved too for probably such a long time.
You have found your wings, now fly and be free..
I'm just a bird with a broken wing at this moment, but one day I'll be free to travel the sky's with no thought in the world. Thank you.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Oct 26, 2014 9:19:50 GMT
Hi A, my ex was from the same religious background that you mention, and whilst I don't believe we can judge people on that he used to tell me how superior his culture was to "you English people". He had the sense of entitlement that is talked about in Lundy Bancroft's book, and it's that sense of entitlement that leads to the abuse which he uses to gain control, because he feels he is entitled. Does that make sense? My ex was bringing his son up the same way, to disrespect all women. The son lived with his mother but visited his father at weekends, where, he spent the whole weekend living very much according to his father's customary ways. He was being taught that he is entitled to have whatever he wants, and he is able to do whatever it takes in order to get it. He was being taught that women are worthless, in fact he once asked his dad "don't you think Lisa could have some time off?" referring to me always running around after them both whilst they sat in front of the tv.
You'll find your wings, my friend's 18 year old daughter was in your position, she broke free and it's wonderful to see her now, like a flower that has blossomed.
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Post by A on Oct 26, 2014 9:52:36 GMT
Hi confusedandhurt.
Nice to hear from you again.
It's a very, controlling religion in my opinion. I do health and social care. And I know all about equality and diversity between the sexes and that does not have it.
My boyfriend has always saw women as less than a man which is wrong, his father portrays the same thing when I used to go to his house. I stopped going once his father let his son beat me up right indent of his eyes. That was my final straw and I haven't even to his house since. I don't feel safe there.
I felt as if I had to change myself, I had to dress appropriately not show any flesh. Even my neck. I had to cover all of my tattoo's. Which I respected, but when it got thrown back in my face. I left and never went back.
Hopefully one day I'll be that flower that blossoms. Thank you.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 27, 2014 3:40:59 GMT
Hi A ..I want to say that you are not weak, and your wings may be "dented or broken"..but they can heal! You are a wonderful person who has done nothing on this earth to deserve the treatment you have received! You are strong, brave, and so worthy of real love and kindness! Like you said to me...I will find happiness and you will too! BUT, we have to heal ourselves first,,the men in our lives are not going to do it for us. I know leaving is hard and very scarey..BUT, your safety is SO important. Him not hitting you for 3 months does not mean it has stopped. This man does not love you from what I can see..this isn't love what he is doing. It is control, it is purposeful, he has created an illusion that he loves you to control you. Counseling will not work for him because he does not see himself as wrong. Everything he does..he believes it is justified. He is evil. If there is a local Domestic Violence hotline in your town or nationally..please give them a call..you remain anonymous, but they can help you to leave and stay away. It ISN"T Easy...it can't be easy..your body is biologically changed to crave this man, to cling to him, to want him, and to have the thinking that you are the problem. YOU are not the problem..you are your own solution!
We can't do this by ourselves..please rely on professionals to help you..I will bet you that the people at the DV center have been in your shoes..they know what it feels like and can help you. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is your safety. HE is not going to change..never. And all the love in the world you feel for him..isn't going to be enough to make him want to be different. As far as religion goes..I am Christian..I do not understand any religions that believe in hurting women, children, animals, or men hurting each other, with those concepts being acceptable. Any man that hurts a woman on purpose is 1..not a man in my book, 2. doesn't know what love means or how to show it 3. Does not deserve your kindness and love; You have so much to give to the world, to your family, to your friends. You sound very kind and loving. HE does not deserve you.
I believe in God..via CHristian standards, and sometimes I believe that we pray and pray and pray..but do we always listen? Maybe God is telling you to leave..everyday and maybe He is reaching out to help you by using people like those on this website and at the local DV. He is saying >>"A..here are people who can help you..reach out to them..people are offering there hand to pull you out of the misery..grab their hands..I guarantee you they won't let go!
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Post by A on Oct 27, 2014 9:36:47 GMT
Hi Karen. I know. My wings are broken at the moment and I feel very down at the moment.
I know the time is coming when I need to pick myself up and leave, but I need a plan to do so. I looked for DV hotlines in my area yesterday and I was about to ring. But I couldn't do it.
I know I need help to let him go and I know, not me or anyone else can change him.
I am too a Christian, and I strongly believe in the Christian faith.
A man that hits a women in my opinion as well as yours isn't a man in the slightest.
It's a horrible thing, but I strongly believe god gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.
He probably is talking to me, telling me to reach out. I can't continue to live life this. I refuse, I'm a good person. And you are a caring good person also. And I'm happy to of met you.
I'm just not in a good place at the moment.
Thanks again Karen.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 28, 2014 3:42:54 GMT
Hi A..I know, it is so hard..hang in there and please keep talking to the people on this site..they are the best and are so helpful. When you are ready,you will know. You have already taken a giant step in just reaching out here..that is huge! It is difficult..that I know. One day at a time...you will get there, we both will. I had a tough argument with God tonight..I am so full of rage right now that I need to get counselling..I told God I didn't want to be his strongest soldier...I will take boring over this struggle any day. You and I and so many other women have experienced evil first hand..I have had enough. We will get there..I know it. Please know I am praying for you and I, and all the women who have a similar story.
If you don't know what else to do, please keep coming here, like I said..the women here will help..they have done wonders for me! Don't give up and keep in touch!
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Post by been there on Oct 29, 2014 14:45:39 GMT
Hi A and Kann,
so many things are going through my mind right now as I read your posts. My ex-husband abused me for 21 years. By the time I left I was barely functioning, but somewhere deep inside I found the strength to leave. I think it was my soul screaming, "I want to live!!" that finally did it. I had no idea who I was or what I was by the time I left. I had become a non-entity. The thought of living alone, having to make a decision or of doing anything on my own was petrifying. I cried every single day for 2 years, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about going back...my kids needed me, my ex needed me, the pets needed me, I didn't want to break up the family, etc. But I didn't go back. My gut told me not to. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my entire life. I lived in poverty, lost some friends (but gained so many more) had my kids hate me for a time, (but we got through it and one by one they moved in with me,) and gained so much strength and wisdom that I can look back now and say that I am thankful for what I went through, and I feel that I've been blessed. It made me who I am today.
Listen to your gut. It's telling you what you need to do. Read everything you can about DV, and when you are ready, call a local DV hotline. Continue to post here. Talk to friends who seem sympathetic and open. Your mind is a jumble right now, but when you are ready, you will find the strength to leave. You already realize that you are no more than a piece of furniture to your boyfriend; now you have to view yourself as more than a piece of furniture to yourself, and once you do you'll be ready to leave. The charming man who isn't abusing you at the moment is the fake; the man who deliberately hurts you is the real deal. The nice man won't last.
About religion: any religion can subjugate women, not just Muslims. There are many born-again Christian sects that degrade women and children as well. It's the way people who want to control others interpret the holy books, and people of like minds go along with them and enforce it. Abuse in the name of God is very powerful and has unfortunately been going on for as long as people have believed in God, and it's been a very effective way of keeping women down. And very pious women endure the abuse because they've been brainwashed into thinking that if they go against their husbands they'll piss off God and go to hell. God loves us and does not want us to suffer, and you don't go to hell if you leave an abusive husband or partner. Also, God listens, so talk to him. Yell at him. He's got broad shoulders. Ask him to help. You may not get what you ask for, but He will give you what you need. There's a difference. When you are ready to leave, trust that He will help. Plus you've got a whole heaven's worth of deceased loved ones up there ready to help you, too, so ask for their help, too. Their way of helping will be to arrange coincidences that really aren't coincidences. Just keep your eyes and mind open. When you are ready there will be people, both here on earth and up above, who will be there to help you when you ask. Please don't give up on yourself. You are a smart, beautiful, worthy person and you don't deserve the abuse.
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