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Post by velma on Oct 23, 2014 11:42:49 GMT
Hello everyone. I am new here. Thank you for this site. I have three children. I left my 16 year marriage in march and am still going through the divorce process and juggling life and people and responsibilities after what I now know was an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive marriage. I have lots of strange views on life that I know are not normal now I am out....does that make sense to anyone? its like a fog has lifted and I now need to relearn how to think about myself and what others think of me. I would love to write a book about my recovery as it is happening. I am training to be a counsellor and am interested in what help people need after leaving this kind of relationship. I am also astounded by the lack of understanding from the wider community that this can affect anyone from any social background at any time and it is not their fault. it is much much, more than disagreements in parenting styles or other such dismissive comments. I still don't believe we let this happen to us but may be I am in denial? I am keen to learn more about recovery and getting back to a normal life and all the panicky moments and nerves that hit in some social situations.
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185 
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Post by janine on Oct 25, 2014 0:08:02 GMT
Hey velma and welcome here! I moved your post to this area because that usually gets more attention and feedback than the other thread. Everything you describe sounds familiar to me- and I bet a ton of other survivors of abuse. May I ask if you yourself have support during your healing process? It is a wonderful thing to turn a negative experience into something where you help others, but sometimes we need to love and heal ourselves first to be able to give. The person who most deserves your attention, patience and kindness right now, is you. It helped me a ton at the start when I got out years ago to post here in this forum- and then I went to see a counselor as well who was specialized in PTSD. Over the years I sometimes go a long time not thinking about DV and taking a break from this forum or even talking to people about it- and sometimes I would get almost obsessed with it, wanting to read it all, solve it all, make it public and known and get angry at society-- because clearly nobody taught ME about DV and i was a college educated white girl, from an upper middle class family...so...how did that happen to me?  Of course then I learned about DV - and I STILL think it should be taught in high school as part of the curriculum -- but I am less obsessed. The world we live in is not 'just'. Bad things happen to good people, no matter how they grew up or what their education and income is. Now i tell myself i love giving back by giving a little bit of my time each day (sometimes not at all for weeks in a row) to this forum. I also talk to anyone who would like to talk about DV -- but I am not tense about it anymore, if that makes sense. But that took me a few years- sometimes taking one step forward and two back. Be kind and patient with yourself, and if possible see a counselor for as long as you feel is right. Nothing beats a good mental health professional. Anything you would like an ear for, we are here! |
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 25, 2014 4:26:01 GMT
Hi Velma..I just want to add what Janine said..first come here anytime..I found this website and I just left my abusive boyfriend 6 weeks ago. I am a counselor by my career..masters educated, and found myself in an abusive relationship. I have never seen "evil" before..until I experienced it with this man who I thought was my "Knight in Shining Armor".Janine is right, focusing on yourself and your children is very important right now. I have tried to be the "counselor" to others and I find I can't be that. I need to heal..I can't help others until I help myself and I am doing that.
One thing they have recommended to me is calling the local Domestic Violence agency in my town..I have done that finally (after 6 weeks) and it was the best thing I ever did. I am now attending a support group (during my lunch hour as I didn't want to do an evening and be away from my teenage daughter), and starting 1;1 counseling next week. I also began reading "Why Does He Do That?"..by Lundy Bancroft..my local library had a copy. My ex-boyfriend literally could have his picture on 75% of the pages in the book. It has been really helpful.
I have a difficult time right now figuring out what the "truth" is. I truly believed in my heart that this man was my "forever"..he hooked me after 2 months..i had fallen in love, committed to living with him, and planned to marry him. He said all the right things I wanted to hear. I don't trust anyone right now (male) and I really can't figure out the truth. What was real and what was just a plan to control me. I fear that most of the relationship was to control me. That hurts the most. I learned that I was in love with the "illusion" of a happily ever after man. That illusion is what I miss.
Hope you will continue to post here if you need to..this forum was/is a Godsend for me..it is a vital part to my healing. Everyone here is accepting, understanding, welcoming, and willing to let you progress as your heart and mind feel comfortable with healing. The "wider community" does not understand, my family who i have loved all my life..doesn't understand why I don't "just forget him and move on". What I have found though is the statistic of "1 in 4" women are touched by Domestic Violence..is more than accurate. I can name 3-4 friends who have experienced it...I never knew, but I know now and I am spreading the word to help our world understand violence against women. NONE of this is your fault..NONE.
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