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Post by confusedandhurt on Oct 24, 2014 20:06:04 GMT
Why?
The first four weeks I barely gave him a second thought, I thought wow, how lucky I was that I had gotten away so lightly.
Four weeks in and I drove past his house, saw a ladies car on his driveway in what was 'my' parking space for the last four years, and it really threw me.
Another six weeks later, no further drive-by, no contact whatsoever, but I am missing him so much. I drove home from work today with tears running down my face. This is becoming harder not easier and yet I'm following all of the NC rules! If it just gets harder then I can see why victims just call him up and beg for forgiveness and crawl back, seriously, how long?
I've spoken to someone from the Freedom Programme today hoping to start that, I have Lundy Bancroft's book (well read) on my bedside table, what more can I do?
Please help, I know that crawling back is a huge mistake, and the only thing stopping me is the thought that he's moved on anyway now, but I literally dreamed of him all night last night...I'm going crazy.
Does anyone have any advice please?
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 24, 2014 20:24:35 GMT
Hey you,
Thank you for trusting us here in what sounds like a bit of a rough, temporary phase. I stress the word 'temporary' because often telling myself "this too will pass".....helped me a ton back then. I wonder if not fighting the tears or the missing him- and just taking a pillow and letting yourself cry or scream into it (i sometimes punched my pillow too or scratched the air in front of me like an angry cat with my hands) -- without contacting him of course.
But if you acknowledge the feelings, name the hurt, name the feeling- those things lose their power and control over you. They are really also part of a normal breakup- we would grieve the loss of a normal partner, why then not of an abuser? It is ok to grieve!!! Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you have to.
It is sad what happened, and it is very sad to see how the abuser moves on and has already a new victim ready to be groomed for control. You have my compassion!!!
Just know you are not alone in this. We are always here, any DV hotline will gladly take your call -- so maybe have one number ready of a 24/7 shelter or the national DV hotline right by your phone. Sometimes that can be the one lifeline that keeps you from giving into the cravings of contacting him.
And no matter what you do, or don't do, never ever feel ashamed about it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are just a normal human being, trying to digest a very sickening experience.
You can also see if seeing a counselor could help- nothing beats a licensed professional therapist.
Hope that helped!
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karen
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Post by karen on Oct 25, 2014 4:56:19 GMT
Hi Confused and Hurt..I can say I understand how you feel..I was crying in the car today..twice. What usually triggers it for me is seeing a car like his..he drives a Toyota Corolla..there must be a million of them on the road and I see every one of them. It was also a song, then it was driving a familiar route..the way I always would go to "our" home at night. I was like "what the he!!" today..i was doing so well not crying. But like Janine said..I decided to just let the tears come. Trying to stop them hurts more...and it is a release. I am sad..I am grieving a loss. I work in Hospice..I know what grieving is..and how important it is to mourn. The stages of grief are "denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance". We don't really go through them in that order..but I can say I have experienced the first 4..at different times. I have the depression sometimes and I am definitely angry. I have bargained too. Not at acceptance yet. It is important to let yourself feel what you feel..it is ok..we all have reason to feel what we are feeling. And I am learning, that everything I am feeling, thinking, experiencing...it is all normal for what I have been through...it is ok. One day at a time..one hour at a time..sometimes that is what I have to do. I try very hard to find something to distract me when I have the temptation to text my ex..I do work, read a magazine, clean, something to take my mind off the temptation. I get through that moment, then I am ok and move on. It may happen again tomorrow..but I know why it happens, what triggers it, and how to work through it.. it is working..hang in there..come to this forum and write when you have that temptation..it can be very helpful.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Oct 25, 2014 18:53:34 GMT
Hi Karen I have been reading your posts and there are many similarities between our experiences. I am feeling somewhat stronger today, it's like a rollercoaster ride with no knowing when I'm going to plummet. I've switched my car radio to a 'talk only' station, and at home I only listen to a set playlist on my itunes. He never allowed me to have music on in the house so there aren't any songs that remind me of him but slushy love songs make me feel sad for all the hopes that I ever had. Also, I have been going the 'long way round' to everywhere, as he lives just a mile away from me on a major road into our local town. I can avoid passing the house, by driving forever through country lanes, so I do that. I appreciate your advice so thank you for writing to me.
Thank you Janine, I think I have been denying the feelings because I felt stupid, no-one gets it unless they've been here, how can someone possibly be sad about him?!?! I've been reading up on line and I found this helpful, it's taken from a website that talks about 'psychopaths' and much of what I read explains what happened, what I experienced, it reassures me that he wasn't the nice charming guy I met, it just helps...
You can only win after you sever the psychopathic bond. You will win by moving on, loving again, accomplishing your professional and personal goals and being caring to those who truly care about you. Living well (which means a life free of the psychopath) is the best revenge.
I'm not after revenge however, I just want peace of mind, I'm impatient to have him out of my thoughts, impatient to be able to move on with my life. I have no interest whatsoever in dating and find the thought of sex abhorrent so it's not that, I just want indifference.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 23:02:12 GMT
Oh man I felt sooo stupid when I suddenly missed my abusive ex like crazy, just weeks after court and everyone else thinking 'well...she put that one behind her, didnt she..." Nope. I secretly called him, met him a few times, cried to friends how much i missed him (now they of course felt betrayed and told me they thought im crazy) and all that jazz. It takes time. It takes education. Once I read 'why does he do that' i realized that him and I ...were NOTHING special. I was just another statistic of that woman who fell for an abuser.
It took me a long time in counseling to understand none of it was my fault. That his behavior had nothing to do with me, and this experience did NOT define who I was. That many people have no clue about DV and said the wrong things, did the wrong things and assumed the wrong things in my eyes- adding to the toxic shame i already felt anyways.
Abuse is complex, every victim and survivor goes through it in a very unique way. What hurt me most--- but was also the biggest blessing--was the moment i read online that other women had very similar and often identical experiences. It made me first feel soooo mad and angry and sad at the time I wasted on this abusive guy.
Then i realized that i stopped feeling alone. I stopped feeling crazy. I started to see I was human, I was lured into abuse by a charming actor.
And the last time i saw him i had NO feelings left. i already knew i was moving away that same day and never told him. It is NOT safe to go back and see an abuser and i would always advise against it- but iam human and did it. and now-years later iam so ok with everything and love life and have found a safe relationship that is going on long-term----
and man. Once you are out, healed with a therapist or whatever way you find right....and then date a normal, healthy man. Boy is THAT a different book. It is amazingly safe, wonderful and....RIGHT. It feels right.
hang in there, believe in yourself and that life is not meant to be spent suffering from a stranger. Which really all abusers are. Strangers who came into our life by accident and lied their way in. But we are not responsible for them.
We can only change ourselves and be kind and loving to ourselves.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Nov 1, 2014 19:46:41 GMT
Thank you Janine,I hope you have recovered from your accident? Thanks for writing to me, it's another week later and the dreams continue I heard a dream expert speaking on radio this week and he said that bad dreams are a way of the mind cleansing itself and expelling the demons, I'm going to take that whether it's true or not.... I find the dreams very disturbing and they reduce me to tears, and yet still I miss him. Fortunately he is very cruel in the dreams and that stops me from even thinking of contacting him. I've stopped running with my club as they run in the area that he lives and sometimes run past his house, I'm just too fragile for that at the moment. I agree that reading here and finding information on line is quite soothing and reassuring that it's not me, I didn't cause any of what happened, or at least not for the most part. I long to reach the place where you are at now, with no feelings whatsoever, I know it will come, I'm just frustrated and cross at myself for dragging this out, and yes I do miss him (did I say that?!?!) but I KNOW that I will never get to that place I long to be if I have any contact. My head is working very hard to talk my heart round, it's exhausting!
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Post by crystal on Nov 1, 2014 19:57:24 GMT
I know how you feel about the dreams, they can seem so real like it is happening in real life. I have been told its a way of processing what has happened to you and sometimes there can be triggers in life, like me last week I had a vivid dream of being back with my ex but I knew what the trigger was. You will get to the place where you don't want any contact, it just takes time, but you will get there and you will no longer miss him. Hang in there, it will get better and keep posting, it helps I think to say how you feel in words. I have been told when I had a bad dream about my ex to write it down in the morning and then tear it up and that way it gives no power over you. Take care.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 2, 2014 0:13:58 GMT
I am so glad you feel comfortable sharing here that you miss him. It is OK to have these feelings- and I often thought afterwards-- when my trauma went away a bit more..."Of COURSE you missed him....after all it was a relationship. Good or bad-- it was someone you dated. You had shared intimacies with. And there is nothing wrong with having those missing moments."
Once i accepted that I only had normal, human feelings-- I felt less toxic shame and I slowly accepted that I had to grieve. Much like humans grieve the loss of a loved one when someone dies. You go through denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance-- and those stages do not come in order- and often you go through a few ones, for as long as you need to in order to heal.
I found after I had read "Why does he do that" and had a few counseling sessions in with a specialized trauma counselor at my university- I really started healing and moving on. But the professional help was essential to me since I obsessed about my ex for months and I felt like i was losing it completely. And...here I was- the middle class, white girl from a 1st world country and parents who had prestigious jobs- a great neighborhood and I myself had already my bachelor's degree from a very good university.
And in my moments alone I would contemplate how I would either somehow harm my ex or his property -- or how I missed him. And then feel guilt or as if i lost my mind for even thinking I missed him.
That all was the trauma.....the PTSD, the traumatic bonding. It was not who I am deep down. Deep down i am someone who would never approve of anything harmful and I meditate and believe in kindness. But boy....when you work through abuse...there are many nights of wishing you could slap him one last time while the police holds him or whatever fantasies I had-- because when he hurt me, I had felt so helpless. And I felt I was left alone with the aftermath.
it hurts. It is hard...but i found it was NOT hard 100% all the time, all day every day....and slowly the good moments grew stronger, and I thought about him less and less.
Give it time....let your body guide you, healing cannot really be controlled I believe. Rather embrace your humanity, your normal human reaction to abuse.
You will be better and it will all be ok. You are not alone and you do not have to go through this 'withdrawal' stage alone. It is temporary
This too shall pass!!!
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 2, 2014 0:20:52 GMT
Actually, you know what...I just put my laptop down and then I remembered that I did do something really human myself just a few days after I had called the police on my Ex, and he had been released and he thought I had already moved away- when really i was staying with the friend that rescued me the night I escaped. That friend was working that night and i had a few hours to myself....
and man...I mean if i could give myself a hug back then i would. I decided in my brilliant post traumatic stress adrenaline rush that i would 'just take a walk'....and of COURSE i crawled around our house we rented together the months before. It was pitch black dark and I sneaked around the house like a ninja- (or so i thought) and in a way it felt freeing since I had run away in my underwear from him from that very same house just days before.
And here i was- in the dark, with dark clothes, hiding in the bushes, looking at him through the windows. Of course he couldnt see me and he had already had a friend move in with him- abusers move on VERY quick and I bet he was already dating someone else right away too.... and then....I walked home.
I would NOT advise this ninja move and now years away and a continent far from him, I laugh hard at it. And in a way...it DID empower me. I was in charge of that ninja situation. He didnt know I was there. I had 'control' over myself back. It really is about that...you lose all your control and learn slowly to empower yourself again.
To all the ninjas out there....dont do the ninja, but DO empower yourself and forgive yourself. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Feelings need to be felt, and we can learn to 'sit with them' and watch them come into the train station of our mind, be noted and be named, and then gently depart.....and make space for happier trains to arrive.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Nov 2, 2014 18:27:11 GMT
Haha Janine, reading that really did make me smile. It's easy to forget that you speak from experience because you post such sound advice, at the same time it's comforting that you HAVE been here and yet you came through. That's very brave of you,it must have hurt to see that he had someone else there? I think I was doing ok until I saw that my ex had a woman at 'our' house just four weeks later. That's when the downward spiral started I guess. I am also a bright intelligent white woman from a good background, I have a good job, two children whom I raised mostly by myself, one is a trainee lawyer and the other is studying at university. My ex was from another country, I can't really say much else about him because I don't know what was the truth in amongst all the c**p he told me. He was sent to live in this country by his parents in the hope that he would have a better life. He started gambling, drinking, smoking & experimenting with drugs. He told me that he lived in bedsits & worked only occasionally in takeaways, all the time living off money his parents sent to him like a spoilt brat. He married a woman for a visa, cheated on, her & she eventually divorced him. He later got a proper job & met his more recent ex, who has told me that he made her life unbearable, she was suicidal and she cried every day. From there he fell lucky and began making a lot of money. He was then able to present himself as a very respectable middle class professional man. Then I came along and fell for the charm of the fake persona. Underneath the mask he is still taking drugs, chasing women, lying, cheating, stealing, and abusing everyone he comes across. Sorry this has turned into another rant, but I guess anger is better than sadness. This is the only place I dare to offload this stuff, friends tend to shrug and I can see they are wondering why I'm still going on about him, so I really try not to mention him I know this will get better, I realised today that for the first time I felt detached from him, I don't know if that makes sense, but I can only describe it as a detached feeling.....which of course is good.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 2, 2014 19:26:56 GMT
Your rants are always very welcome- I would rather describe them as 'your body and mind releasing tension'-- which is healthy and probably needed when we heal. It sounds like you Ex has a history of using women- especially when it comes to visas I am aware of many stories going on. In my home country in Europe we get a TON of those cases- a foreign man who fakes interest and gets a visa - once the visa is unlimited, off he goes.
And the woman is left to make sense of all of this. You cannot help but feel 'used' there because well....basically he DID use you for a visa. Or in your situation, he had used his ex wife for a visa to stay. I bet she must have felt furious for a while and needed time to heal as well.
And thanks for the kind words- I always told myself if I come out healthy and find myself in a good spot, I would love to kind of use what I know for something positive. But....I HAD to heal first. And this is important- everyone is so different, every healing journey is unique.
I had professional counseling, read a TON of books, but also continued my life and went to Uni to get my Master's etc. At the start I would often obsess about DV and then there were times I did NOT want to hear the word 'DV' and have nothing to do with it.
Whatever comes up, let your body and mind guide you-- knowing at the same time that trauma messes with your perception BUT.....your brain chemistry does bounce back. Belleruth Naparstek explains in her book 'Invisible Heroes' extremely well what changes in your brain due to trauma. She is basing her entire book on recent research in the trauma field and her 30 years of therapy experience as a counselor herself.
I found the book spoke to me and explained in good language what my body and mind went through- it helped me understand when the thoughts I had 'were put into my mind by the trauma' and when the thoughts were pure gut feeling/intuition and RIGHT.
As far as i am concerned- please feel welcome to tell your story as often as you want, in as much detail as you want. It does not get boring or annoying for us- that is after all why we are here. We invite you to be in charge of this place in terms of what you feel is right--- and also step away from it if you would like a 'DV' break or --- kick DV out of your life for good.
Some members come see us here while they get out- and I am always kind of happy when we do not hear back--- once we know they are ok and out for good. Sometimes then later we get a short message even years onward telling us how their life is now safe and happy.
That is what it is about.
Empower you, show compassion, listen...listen....and remind you gently that YOU alone have already all the answers within. We are just a little support along the way. Always here- never angry or sad if you do not need this place anymore.
There is no right or wrong here.
(the only time I would use my admin rights to remove someone would be if an abuser himself finds this page-- which I find is unacceptable as this is a place for those who truly deserve the help and attention.)
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Post by jeannie812 on Nov 4, 2014 3:49:54 GMT
When I left Jim (my somewhat boyfriend of 5 years who always blew me off) I no longer had his phone calls coming in. I was missing the familiar. It didn't matter how bad it was with him, how lonely I was with him, I felt like a piece of me was gone.
I had to sit on my hands and not call him. It was such craziness that I can't believe I felt like I was missing that dumbass. I was posting the countdown on Hidden Hurt, that is was one month without contact, and then two months without contact, etc. But then dumbass got things stirred up again, and then it took me much longer to come to peace. That dumbass still wasn't done three years later cause he tried to pick a fight with me here on Hidden Hurt. He tracked me down on internet somehow.
I got through that phase too. Abusers don't want to let go, and on our end I think we are dealing with Stockholm syndrome.
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Post by babychimes on Nov 6, 2014 2:23:00 GMT
Hate to say this but I still miss him and I've not lived with him since 2009! Some days I don't think about him and others I think what a fool he was and how could he possibly want to hurt the lady he was supposed to be in love with?! We had everything going for us! Then he used his fists and mouth and continued to until in the end the police took over! I went back to him on and off for another 3 years but he hadn't changed. He still showed me the same traits even though didn't go that far! Whether it was because he was on 2 years probation I'm unsure. I just wished things could have been different. I wish he stayed the man I fell in love with but I know now that that was only a mask. I loved that man in the mask with all my heart. Now all he wants is revenge and to take me for every penny he can. Still showing his true colours, but I just miss that man I fell in love with. It does get easier as time goes on but you often think why did he start these actions! Now I'm very in fact too careful now! But it becomes less painful daily.
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karen
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Post by karen on Nov 6, 2014 4:11:35 GMT
hi ladies..babychimes..i can relate to what you are saying. i have been gone about 7-8 weeks..i go a few days at a time, then i think of how wonderful "prince charming" was and the tears flow! i get so mad at him for ruining the best 2-3 months of my life..as the other 6 months were progressively getting worse over time...my head knows it was wrong, but my heart is grieving the loss of a friend, a travel companion, the man who would hold me and i felt happy when i hadnt been happy for several years. Grief is the key..we are experiencing a loss...one we probably never would have stopped loving had he not been a jerk. It then makes me angry.
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Post by jean812 on Nov 6, 2014 5:22:46 GMT
The man you ladies are talking about doesn't exist. He is a facade. You know this, but somehow you want the fake side to be the real him. I'll bet the fakes don't know who they are. How can you know who he is, when he doesn't know who he is? And, he is not giving you a second thought.
Only a stalker will think of you all the time.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Nov 7, 2014 19:46:19 GMT
I'm going to order that book you mention Janine, you know I do feel traumatised, but more so as time has gone by. In the beginning I don't really know why, but I felt nothing, whereas now, I get very uncomfortable in certain situations that have never bothered me before. I can't go anywhere near his house, I thought I was consciously doing that so that I could heal, but now it's become crazy to the extent that I go into a panic at the thought of going anywhere near. I also find I become very uncomfortable hearing people talk about s*x in any way whatsoever. I think that side of the abusive relationship was far more damaging than I ever realised. Jeannie did you go back to your ex that you mention? At what point did you know that you'd never go back? Babychimes same thing? How come you went back? Sorry if either of you don't feel comfortable sharing, but if you don't mind I'm curious because I couldn't imagine ever returning to the life I had although I long for him to come to my door and tell me he's changed. I guess it's the same as you say Babychimes, I wish he had been the fake persona that I fell in love with. Jean, I know he doesn't exist, I've read everything I can about this type of person and I know that it's all fake, I just wish that it hadn't been... Karen I think we are at the same stage, it's 12 weeks now for me, I'm counting down too! One positive thing today is that I didn't actually think about the fact that he was on his way home for the weekend....every Friday I used to collect him from the train station as he worked away Monday - Friday, and every Friday I catch myself looking at the clock at the time his train is due to arrive, wondering if his new prey is waiting to collect him....yet I don't envy the weekend that lies ahead of her, being pounded sexually over and over and over, feeling like a dirty object knowing that he's simply acting out the fantasies in his head, with no interaction, completely detached, no hugging or kissing, and the worst rage ever if she dares to say no...no could never be an answer I can't count the number of times I used to lock myself in the bathroom afterwards crying whilst running the taps to drown out any noise in case he heard me.
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Post by thistle on Nov 7, 2014 20:25:06 GMT
That is harsh, jean812, but correct. It is so difficult trying to make sense of these men but easier once you realise that they are just big liars. There are no hidden depths or warm hearts inside them and nothing you can reach that will make them love you as you deserve to be loved. The trouble is, we are raised on stories and movies where the bad guy can be made into a good guy with just a bit of love. Unfortunately, they are just fairy stories In the end you will get there. Spoil yourself when you can and try not to look back on that imaginary being that you thought he was once. The real him is the nasty jerk that you last saw. He is not capable of ever making you or anyone happy so try not to waste too much brain space on him.
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karen
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Post by karen on Nov 7, 2014 21:15:02 GMT
Jean, you are right..the problem is our hearts and minds are not on the same page. For every sad, missing thought I have of the great guy I thought he was..there are 2-3 that are of hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, and how really crazy things got. It all goes hand in hand right now..it will pass, that we are sure of..unfortunately we can't go around this mountain, go over the mountain or under it..we have to go through it in the best way our hearts and minds can manage.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Nov 8, 2014 19:53:12 GMT
Hey thistle I agree, we believe that beauty can tame the beast, and perhaps that's why we stay, just to keep trying because in the fairy tale the heroine never gives up...or not that I can recall. Karen I'm with you on that, we have to go through it unfortunately. I know one day this will seem like another lifetime. I think I read on here of someone who kept writing all the bad things down so that she didn't forget. I hate weekends!
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