Not sure if I should feel good or not

Hey kann,

It is SO nice of you to give a lot of women here very valuable and important advice that matters. Thank you!
Please also make sure that YOU are being taken care of- this means as soon as you feel burned out by reading about abuse or DV, take a break. Ask for help for YOU- because you too deserve it. I say that because right after I left my ex, I felt similar things you did- and I went to great lengths to warn two girl my ex dated right after I left him.

When I was in therapy, my amazing counselor told me one sentence that stuck with me since. I had told her a few sessions in that "I felt it was my duty to warn women he will meet in the future."

She replied-- and it first hurt or annoyed me---:

"You cannot swing your sword of justice over his head for the rest of your life."

I did not like hearing that at that point in time. In fact I felt almost like someone shut me down when I had a brilliant idea and wanted to 'rescue' others.
It took me a few days or maybe weeks to understand she was right. As long as I followed him online, he was STILL occupying my mind. Maybe he was not controlling it as such, but I was letting myself get obsessed with knowing where he was, whom he was dating, who that girl was- and how I could warn her.

I believe in that I am not alone, many women report this after they left an abuser. I forgive myself that I did spent a few months stalking him online, even two years out I would sometimes log into facebook with a second, false account to see where he was --

(and part of that was me also trying to stay safe, as he had moved to MY country shortly after I left him, and actually spent six months working in the city my aunt lives in. I frequently use the main train station in that city and well....you can imagine I at lest wanted to be ready should he suddenly run into me there.)

But the bottom line is, be kind to yourself. It is ok and normal for you to wonder about warning other women right now. You have started your healing journey and it is your journey. Nobody has a right to tell you what to do or what not to do. In general of course counselors advice a 'no contact' policy. Simply because the longer you are away from the person who traumatizes you, the more your mind and body can heal and become empowered.

I bet the dating website - like most nowadays- took his profile down and banned his internet IP address. So I bet you did save at least one woman who may have ended up meeting him that way. Like you said there are other ways to meet someone though- and abusers often rush right into finding the next woman they can control and abuse. First it hurt me a lot when I saw my ex was dating pretty much the second he walked out of jail and the courtroom I made him go to (and man am I proud of that ) and years out I really do not care anymore.

He will continue abusing women until he dies, just like your ex. Just like ALL abusers.
That is also part of why it is hard to find closure. You come to a point where you realize he was not a normal human being. He did not care about YOU after all. You and I were replacable for them- they simply needed 'a' victim. As soon as that victim turns into a fierce survivor though and cannot be controlled anymore, they lose interest.

They also never seem to be alone for long- and once I realized I can have compassion for his future victim, but NOT feel pity or sorry for them (there is a huge difference between compassion and feeling sorry) - I felt better. I now assume that all women he meets, like me, will see him for who he is at one point. He will leave a trail of abuse during his lifetime and that is HIS legacy.

I for my part like to claim that MY legacy is that of love, kindness and people who enjoyed having known me a lot.

There is no question in my mind we both grew from this experience, and continue to grow. The best 'gift' i gave myself after having left my ex years ago was to live a good life. To really get myself the help in form of a professional counselor, support groups, this forum-- and I felt life gave me back 5 times as many GOOD people, for the one bad person I had kicked out.

So glad you found us kann, and please know we always have an ear if a day or moment feels dark. You have the right to feel whatever emotions come up.