In a bad place.

Hi A,

Forgive me if I get things a bit wrong, because I have only read up briefly on what you have posted so far, so might have misunderstood part of the situation.

First off, I really know where you are coming from with the everything going round and round your head type thing. I think it is a way for our brain to try to process everything by going over and over it until it makes sense and we can fit it into our perspective and beliefs about how life works. The problem with domestic abuse is that it clashes: love should not include violence, a relationship should be supportive not destructive, religious beliefs should imply moral integrity, etc. But our experiences within an abusive relationship are the opposite which causes what is called a cognitive dissonance, which basically means experience and belief do not correlate and our mind tries to make them work together but can't, so keeps going round and round or getting stuck. This is where a counsellor or DV helpline with trained staff can be helpful in listening to our story and pointing out where there is this conflict, sometimes writing it down or just talking it over with a friend can help, or reading books such as "why does he do that" can help, or doing the Freedom Programme.

DV helplines are not going to think you are 'weak' for being in an abusive relationship, because most of the folks on the helplines have been there themselves (like on this forum) so KNOW that it is not weakness. To a certain extent it is yet another way in which our views of the world are skewed by our experiences of abuse - suddenly being empathic, forgiving and understanding are weaknesses rather than admirable strengths ... in a 'normal' relationship those would be good and beneficial to both us and our partner, but in an abusive relationship our being loving and forgiving and trying to be understanding is simply used by the abuser to further control and belittle us. When I left I did not tell anyone what a bad state I was in (except this board, or rather the same one but 2 generations back!) because I knew that if I told a professional that I felt suicidal and was having periods of dissociation, they would have HAD to tell social services and my kids could have been taken off me, so I also denied myself 'proper' help at the time. Just read and read and read and wrote on the message forum and had one friend who would listen to me go round and round and round at 2, 3, 4 or in the morning night after night until I started being able to think about other things and see the situation a bit more clearly.

And the guilt was dreadful. I honestly believed I was to blame for making my husband rape me. He had told me so often that it was my fault he had to do it that I believed it, and my rather wonky religious beliefs at the time just compounded the feelings of guilt. It is part of the programming, we are meant to feel guilty about everything. If we feel the guilt and the shame, then the abusive behaviour is our problem, not his, and therefore ours to solve, not his. Responsibility for the abusive behaviour is passed from perp to victim. Which means we are constantly thinking "if the abuse is caused by something I have done or said or the way I am, then what can I do to change the abusive behaviour?" when actually THEY are responsible for THEIR behaviour, not us. So try to work out for those things you feel guilty about where that guilt stems from, eg speaking to another man - do you feel guilty because you morally or ethically believe it to be wrong, or because you have designs on the other man which compromise your relationship? Or do you just feel guilty because he has told you not to speak to another man? If the former, and it clashes with your morals, then they guilt comes from you, if it clashes with the orders of an abusive person, then the guilt is put upon you and you can decide to not accept it.

Have to be off in a minute but just also wanted to say that I don't think confronting his family is likely to help you, lessen the abusive behaviour or resolve anything. You do not belong to the same religion, therefore (if it is like the one I grew up in) your word, your very person is of lesser value than anyone who does belong to their religion. I approached my ex's parents, and other family members for help, and the elders at the church. I was not believed, and thrown out for slandering a good man, he was encouraged in his behaviour toward me and I became fair game for other people to abuse too, because I was a 'sinner'. So please don't raise your hopes that disclosing the abuse to his family or friends within the same religion will in any way help you.

Hope that helps a bit and keep posting,
Lindsey

Hi A

I also hope you are able to call a DV helpline, they can help so much and will do all that they can to help you but also at your own time and speaking to them will make you realise and understand about the abuse you have been through. I understand the bit of questioning yourself all the time, that is a possible reaction to the control your abuser had over you and it does make you feel is it me, but no it is the abuser. This is the kind of mind games they specialise in, esp, mine my head was all over the place when I first got out but in time, once you have space from your abuser, you can realise what he was doing.

Take lots of care of yourself just now

Hi A - its only natural to feel confused at the moment - I can understand your reasons for not picking up the phone and contacting a DV support line. Initially I refused to agree with my Mum I needed DV help as at the time I did not think what I was going through was abuse but once I did I was told it was high level abuse and wish I had listened to my Mum but you can't change choices etc. In the end speaking to them was one of the first things in my recovery that I did and wished I had done it a lot sooner. Give it a thought, just do it when you are ready and go on from there.

Yes, I can understand you still love him, I loved my very abusive ex until I managed to get him to sign the divorce papers. But he was threatening me so much I wanted closure.

They want you to love them, control you and make you feel if they hit you its your fault - it is definitely NOT your fault. I don't know if you have got or read the Lundy Bancroft book "Inside the mind of any angry man why does he do that" it is very good and helped me a lot amost made me feel like the write actually knew my abusive ex.

You say we are inspriational, strong, independent people - so are you, you just don't realise this yet, but you will one day.

take lots of care

Hi A..you are definitely strong...and I can honestly tell you I wasn't strong to begin with and somedays I am still not. I have good days and not so good days, some times I am so angry I could scream and want my ex to have a taste of his own medicine, other days i am hopeful and then somedays I am crying. Keep coming to this forum...I started here and eventually called and went to my local DV house. The people on this forum are so helpful and we all have been through very similar stories. The confusion you feel is very normal..nothing makes sense right now and perhaps you don't trust your "gut" level. I felt that way too..my ex had me thinking I was crazy..I have never felt so confused in my life. Like you, I knew something wasn't right..everyone I know and love over my lifetime, tells me what a nice, kind, person, I am. Then I meet this man, who 'supposedly loves me" and had the power to bring me down to nothing, who says everything opposite of my friends and family. He wanted to hurt me and make me feel so little of myself. Your boyfriend is doing the same thing, he wants to control you and I would be very surprised if he didn't abuse the other girl too. My ex never hit me..but he emotionally did enough damage that I am a forever changed person. We don't even realize what is going on..I didn't figure out what was happening until I left him and really started to try and figure out what kind of person he is. I KNEW in my GUT, that he wasn't the guy for me, but I had gotten hooked, I was addicted to him and he became the worst thing I could ever be associated with. I am still sorting out the truth...that has affected me the most, I doubt myself and those around me..I never use to do that. It is taking me a while, but he and I only broke up 6 weeks ago.

If you can read that book, I too highly recommend it. I swear my ex could have his picture on every page..I had to read it a little at a time, because my ex fit the descriptions so perfectly! It shocked me. Now, I am determined to go forward..to never have contact with him again, and to never give in to any attempts he may have to control me. A man who intentionally hurts a woman or anyone for that matter, is and ABUSER..that is not love. Him hitting you is VERY wrong..you have done nothing wrong to have someone hit you..absolutely nothing wrong!. You are a very strong person it sounds like, and very smart. Please know...there is nothing you can do to make him change...absolutely nothing. HE lacks a lot of insight when it comes to his behavior..he absolutely SEES NOTHING WRONG..with how he treats you, he thinks he is perfectly justified. PLEASE know...he is the problem..he will never be your solution. Lots of tough stuff to follow...please know that there are people here who have walked in your shoes in some form, they want to help..they know how horrible this is! Please keep coming here...it is safe and so worth knowing there are people here who are Trustworthy, Honest, Kind,and Smart! NO one on this website would do anything to hurt you..none of us openly knows each other, but we are all survivors of a horrible abuser! You deserve to be loved and cherished in the way that you know is best! Good luck to you A..we are here if you needed us anytime!