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Post by TWP on Oct 18, 2014 9:02:55 GMT
Hello, I have been reading the board regularly and allowing myself to recover in my own way, appreciating the bravery and challenges of so many people here, and the support that you all provide.
In a way, I have been very lucky. 7 weeks in, and things kept happening around me to show me that I was going to be alright. Work is busy, but everyone is so supportive. Friends have invited me to last minute events so that I have been out doing things rather than at home, and made me appreciate how many people around me care for me. I have been having dance try outs and have found people that I can just go and dance with whilst decisions are being made. Feedback from the try outs has been so good that I have realised that I am not as bad as he used to tell me, in fact I am doing very well, even if I do have an awful lot to learn! I am enjoying people's company and actually starting to be myself again and I like it!
However, I am aware that this is such a short time and it will take a lot to heal properly; I am still nervous about getting something wrong on the dance floor and have actually been told that I am great and should have more confidence! I have danced a couple of times with someone I really enjoy the company of, and I think that it may be mutual, only time will tell and I am in no rush, it is nice just being myself! I have realised that I have to watch my thought patterns though, I have been watching carefully for red flags (non yet), being worried about saying the wrong thing, being paranoid, which just highlights the need to take my time.
I have kept in touch with my ex, and he has signed up for a DV programme, but at the same time I am keeping my distance. Speaking to him has often been good for me, as it highlights his behaviour and has helped me to emotionally step away and take care of myself. He had a assessment for this programme, and when he told me what he had told the assessor, it made me smile - she had pulled out all of his negative behaviour and he had exposed his viewpoint and abusive thoughts and patterns. It is up to him now. We have tried to do a little dancing, just to see if we can behave like adults in that environment - I am approaching it with the mindset that he is no different to the other try outs; the second time he threw one of his swear and stomp in disgust because my heel had gone from under me. I just walked off and refused to engage with him, and therefore he is not stacking up well against his opposition!
I am still having to take time and space to look after myself and to give myself the mental space to deal with all the thoughts and feelings. It can wipe me out at time, but at least I am spotting that I need to do it, and making the space. I am going to visit my son at university tomorrow, so am looking forward to that, and have booked to spend Christmas with a friend abroad.
I guess that I am worried that it is all going to well, and that if I enjoy it too much, it is all going to go wrong and collapse!
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Oct 19, 2014 11:51:48 GMT
Hi TWP..I am very glad you are sharing your thoughts and your story! I find it helpful for me to read your story and then apply it to my story. I admire you for being able to have a new friend and someone to share dancing which you love, with someone new! I am happy for you that you are on the road to healing, whether it is 7 weeks or 7 months. You are going in a direction that is good for you, at the pace that is good for you.
Is it too soon? I don't know...we all heal at different rates. I find that I tend to take 2-3 steps forward, then 1 step back. I have a friend, he is male, very strong, smart, arrogant, and rich. He responded to me in a conversation a few nights ago and it triggered a flashback and for me to react in a very bad way. He didn't do anything on purpose..he wasn't trying to hurt me. I was so upset..I really believed that I had met another controlling man who wanted to hurt me. I was extremely tearful, and trying desperately to get my friend to continue a conversation that he had basically cut me off. I was shaking inside..there was no way this could be happening to me again. Turns out it was a misunderstanding. But, I learned that being with another man is the absolute last thing I want on this earth. I am in no way ready to begin another relationship yet. He is a friend and only that..I have put that friendship in perspective and have identified some things I don't like about it..so I am not relying on it to be my "rescuer". That only comes from within me. The emotions are too raw..the pain too sore. I do not want to make the same mistakes again. I didn't cause the abuse..I keep telling myself that. I also know that I need to figure out what I want in a relationship and what it looks like. Right now...anyone who "dangles a cigarette" in front of me..so to speak...is not who I need in my life. I am not strong enough yet to resist the "cigarette"..the addiction known as my ex...or even anyone who remotely looks like him.
Everyday we get stronger...and I feel that happening. But I still have a ways to go. We will get there...i feel it!
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janine
Member
Admin
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Post by janine on Oct 19, 2014 23:55:33 GMT
Hey TWP,
Thanks for the update! Always good to hear from you.
I think it is great that you take time and look after yourself. You sound like there are a lot of supportive people around you at work etc., which shows you what a great person YOU are to be around and how others are being respectful and kind to you. The holiday with your friend abroad and the visit to your son sound like great fun too! Isn't it amazing how easy, respectful and loving our relationships with normal people can be? It really is never the victim's fault. You are a lovable and loving person and deserve to be treated like a human being with human rights.
Now I wish I could say that I believe your ex changes and that setting more boundaries might 'make him see what he did wrong'-- but even Lundy Bancroft, the author of "Why does he do that" has stated in his book that after 30 years of leading 'batterer/abuser programs' to 'help' abusers, that he believes the chances of ANY abuser to change, are so slim that he realized the only people he could help as a therapist, were the abused partners. THESE people needed the support and help, NOT the perpetrator.
I saw what my stepfather did to my mother over 25 years of marriage with his temper. It sounds a lot like your ex too, as both are avid ballroom dancers. My stepfather would be so moody, we were scared of going on vacation with him because he drove like a maniac, threw temper tantrums like a 4 year old (but in the body of a huge, grown adult man...) and made us walk on eggshells around him. That, or he would stonewall us and give us silent treatment over several days in a row.
I also really like kann's metaphor of the cigarette, what a great example! It is exactly like that, trauma. The brian is programmed over time through the abuse to feel attracted to it- as much as we also know it is NOT ok in our intellectual mind.
Be kind and be patient to yourself. It is ok to grieve the loss of an abuser. Or the loss of the idea of who you thought he was at the start.
You have the right to any emotion that may come up.
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Post by TWP on Oct 20, 2014 6:24:31 GMT
Hello Kann, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have been reading some of your posts and wish you all the strength, positivity and support in such a difficult time. I am definitely very much in my recovery process and I am guessing that the many years of counselling I had to deal with my childhood abuse has helped me with some tools, alongside the wonderful people who are part of my life. I am very lucky and very blessed.
When all of this happened, I genuinely didn't know how I would get through it, and I couldn't see how I could trust someone, nevermind whether anyone would genuinely just like me. My son and I joked that I would become the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons! My son and I have had a difficult relationship because he has had some mental health and drugs problems. He is well on the road to recovery now and is at University. I am so proud of him and what he has achieved with all of that against him, and he has been so supportive, but I am very wary of putting any of this on him. I am trying to get the balance of being honest with him, but not asking him to take on any responsibility for me in this.
You are very brave and honest with yourself about your friend. I had a great deal of support from a male friend of mine, who didn't react well when I felt I had to talk to my ex. I haven't spoken to him recently, because I didn't feel able to deal with his anger and judgement. However, when I am ready, I will and hope that the friendship is strong enough. I am also very aware that I can't let my new friendship be my 'rescuer', to use your well chosen word, that I have to do myself, with the support around me, of which he may or may not be a part.
Janine, thank you, you make so much sense and it rings so true. I have some tough decisions to make over the next few weeks as far as my dancing goes, but going back to my ex almost feels like going back into a heavy weight. This should be enough to tell me what I should do, but as you say, it takes time.
Your description of your stepfather rings a few bells, my ex would drive really aggressively when he was in a bad mood, knowing very well that I would be gripping the seat and looking out of the side window to avoid what he was doing; I genuinely thought we were going to have a crash. We would arrive at a dance lesson with me so tense like a violin string! It would take a lot of effort for me to be able to focus when we arrived!
The silent treatment was common, along with smirking at me as if I were inferior, pulling shapes and faces at me, swearing at me, shoving me, twisting my hand and wrist, and tirades of how 's**t' I was at everything from dancing, my son, my house, my political views, etc, often in the same tirade of verbal abuse... I think I have just reminded myself of why I am here!!
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janine
Member
Admin
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Post by janine on Oct 20, 2014 13:48:59 GMT
I can completely understand that it is not easy to let go of an abuser 100% right away and after the first attempt to leave. You are a human being after all, wanting to love and be loved. These are natural desires and it only shows you have the potential to emphasize, want to work on things and hope for the best. All of those are great characteristics of a human being!!! We could need more of these in our world. The one sad thing about then running into an abuser is that they suck it all out of you, like vampires. They suck away your happiness, safety, self esteem, the hope you carry. Or I should say you hide it all from them in a safe place, and come back to that safe place once it is safe. Nobody has the power to steal your inner core, your gifts and who you truly are. He is a serious abuser and I am very glad you felt it is safe to talk about him here. You have a right to feel this was abuse, because it is. And I am also glad to hear that you felt your therapy experience about the abuse you experienced in childhood was a very positive one for you. Human beings are resilient and it is challenging, but I find with time and practice self love and self compassion grow inside of us, and fill in all the space they could not yet reach when we grew up under abusive circumstances. There was a time in my life when I thought it was ok to drown my pain in red wine, and run after narcissistic man for love- then I out down the wine and grabbed chamomile tea, and started seeing a counselor to build up a new attraction scheme for men. I no longer find abusive and narcissistic men attractive-- but it took time. And there are moments when I have run dates or new encounters by our board- because it is easier to see what is going on if you step a bit to the side and let others have a serious look at it. You are doing great. Enjoy your travels and times with people who do not shove you. Who value you. Who enjoy your political views, your taste in music (my ex always criticizes my taste of music because it was so 'main stream pop'-- and boy...I LOVE singing out loud to Katy Perry in my car and I LOVE that I like pop music!!!! It does not always have to be alternative weird rock from bands I never heard of, just to sound 'different and sophisticated'. Katy Perry is happy and fun and light. Eat that abuser!  I am impressed how you handled this experience and you are very aware of the ups and downs of this road to empowerment and healing. Sometimes it helps to step aside, watch the emotions go by. I told myself back then if I can be happy one day, and another I crave seeing him-- or 'trying again to see if anger management helped him'-- then I could just wait those hard moments out until I again saw him for who he was, not who I wish he had been. You are not changing a grown man, and you are not responsible for his moods or behavior. Dancing is such an intimate, happy thing to do. Do not let anyone take that from you!!! A big smile and a safe, warm glow in your belly should be the only things you feel before, during and after a dance. Harmony, not stress. Trust your gut, it has all the answers for the weeks and months to come!! |
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