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Post by A on Oct 18, 2014 9:01:39 GMT
I'm starting to give up having faith in myself if am honest, I always picture myself one day being this confident, sophisticated, beautiful independent free women and that just seems so far away right now.
I have a male friend at college who I have been friends with for 4 years before I go with my boyfriend, and he knew about my boyfriend hitting me because he once saw me with a black eye and I just broke down. I've recently started back into contact with him, but made sure it's hidden. As I know the consequences if my boyfriend was to even think I've glanced at him, I think he's starting to like me but what's crazy is. It's a nice feeling because I haven't had a man want to protect me, or think of me as a beautiful person, my own true self. I don't like him more than a friend, but we only lost contact because my boyfriend stopped me speaking to him around 2 years ago and we probably never would of started again if he didn't go to my college.
I feel guilty for having a friend that's a man. And I also feel guilty by havig this dream to be a beautiful independent women, I think about it everyday. Someone who a person could look up too. A strong person.
I am trying to reach out to DV hotlines, I'm just scared too. I don't want them thinking I'm weak, and I can't deal with it myself. Even when I know I can't. It's crazy and I don't know why I refuse help when I know I need it. I think it's a situation where I do need help, because the violence has changed me. I've lost the girl I used to be, I used to be such a happy person nothing could phase me, but I've been broken down day by day.
Where am I headed too ..
But now in the past 2 days my "friend" has completely stopped talking to me and when he does talk he isn't nice anymore. What do I do that's so wrong?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Oct 19, 2014 12:31:44 GMT
Hi A..first and foremost..you didn't do anything wrong! Don't blame yourself. There is an abusive man in your life who is making you doubt everything you use to trust and believe to be true. He is not healthy for you and at some point..when you are ready..you will start to heal. I know you feel guilty...it is ok..but again..help yourself to learn that you are doing nothing wrong. The guilt, the doubt, the fear, it is all a carefully constructed mindset that your boyfriend has to keep you off guard, to control how you are feeling and thinking. It is only going to get worse if you continue to stay with him..when you feel ready call a DV hotline..you are not weak..you are a victim of domestic violence and need support. They..like the people here..all have a story, we have all experienced similar situations, we are not weak..we have an inner strength that tells us something isn't right..we need to go forward. The DV people will help you..no judging, no questions asked, you can be anonymous..and I bet you anything..many of the people there have been in your shoes. From my point of view...you "friend" can be a few things going on. 1. He too could have "controlling tendencies"; 2. He does not really understand DV and abusive men and therefore doesn't get why "you don't just leave"..people who haven't ever experience DV, don't understand it. My sister is a perfect example..she loves me and helped me leave my ex..but she tells me "just forget it about him and move on". It doesn't work that way. He may feel helpless that he can't do anything to change your situation. 3. I jumped to conclusions with my friend..I thought he wanted to control me when he "cut me off" recently in a conversation. I honestly thought I had encountered another abuser. He cut off the conversation..so he says..because he fell asleep..he was functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I don't trust men right now..so was he telling me the truth? I don't know. I need to put it in perspective and I am trying to do that. Either way..I am treading lightly. I am relying on this website and the friends who do understand DV to help me right now. Those who don't understand..I don't have the strength to educate them...right now..I am using my strength to keep me healthy right now..if they are really my friend, they will be there when I am ready and able to help them understand DV. If you have access to Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that"..I highly recommend it. My abuser should have his picture on every page..and the more I read it, the stronger I am becoming because I know I didn't do anything wrong. You are a good person, you came here and reached out...please come back..this forum has saved me. No one judges here, everyone is safe. You will be supported and no one will think you are weak.  |
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Post by A on Oct 19, 2014 20:15:42 GMT
I honestly take all your advice and support into consideration.
It just upset me because we was speaking and he completely cut me off. He was so kind to me, and made me feel important then all of a sudden he didn't want to know me. It's like every man that shows be a smidge if attention I'm instantly attached and it scares me. All I could think is "every man hates me, and I'm always going to attract an abuser" I was so lost. Now I don't even know what to do when I go into college and see him because I feel like I can't even say hello to him anymore.
and the way my relationship is at the moment, I feel I have started to resent him. He doesn't understand that the violence has changed me. I question my every move and base all my decisions on how he would feel about that rather than thinking of myself. It scares me. My future does.
Me and 'boyfriend' was having a conversation he automatically brought up how our children would be his religion. (Muslim) which I didn't agree too, I told him theirs many years to come before I even think of having a baby. He told me the baby would have to have an Arabic name, which also made me feel quite controlled, he Also told me I wouldn't be allowed to get married in a church which broke my heart as it's always been my dream. I said to him don't control my future it hasn't even started yet. What am I going to do? I don't even know where my views and opinions stand anymore. I honestly don't. I don't have a say in anything anymore and I can't take it.
I want to reach out for support, but I'm scared too. In scared my family will be mad that I've let it happen, I'm scared my boyfriend will deny ever doing anything to me and make me look bad to others. I don't want my name being dragged through the mud and made out to be a liar because he's very good at that. He's the master of lying.
I'm just a very young lost and broken girl. That hasn't smiled for 3 years. Simple as that. I pray everyday. Nothing ever changes.
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Oct 20, 2014 0:19:19 GMT
Hey A,
Do you think that maybe you feel strong enough to call your local DV shelter or the national DV hotline of your country?
You do not have to give them your name and they will not track your number down.
It may be a relief to talk to someone who understands, and who can give you neutral tips.
What I am hearing is that your gut and heart are telling you to get away from him now, before you involved children or a legal marriage contract.
You do not have to live like this. YOU alone have the power and right to say: This is NOT how MY story ends!!!!
And you have the right to change your mind at every second of every day.
Pick up a phone- but please make sure it is safe to use it (if he controls what numbers you call) and let us know how the talk with the DV hotline person went.
I have heard great things about people reaching out to these hotlines, they can really be a lifeline.
We are always here and look very much forward to hearing from you again!!
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