karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
|
Post by karen on Oct 17, 2014 2:44:20 GMT
I was just talking to a male friend of mine, a guy I have known since I was 12. This friend...he has a very confident personality..almost arrogant. He told me recently that his wife cheated on him, he has enough money and connections that he has pictures and information on her to prove it without a doubt. He has been supportive of me..but tonight..I swear I was talking to my ex. I can't believe this is happening to me..am I imagining this? I told him I was learning new things and trying to heal by reading the "why does he do that " book, coming to a website (didn't say this one), and that I had told my ex off. He asked me "do you trust my judgement?" Ok,,I admit..my red flags are going off..especially with how he pretty much has his wife in a very interesting place..he doesn't talk much about her and their situation except that they are still married and sleep separately and I can't imagine why she is staying with him. He is wealthy..an airline pilot, handsome. He told me his wife "needs me to tell her she is pretty"...he doesn't like this. Also, that she reached her breaking point after 20 years of him being away 4 nights out of 7 every week for 20 years. He said she signed their house over to him, and again, my "abusive" radar is going off. Tonight, when he asked me if I trusted his judgement, I said, "why do you ask? I would like to hear your opinion". He told me my ex is an egoist. I said there was no justice or consequences for abusers unless they hit and they get arrested. Emotional abuse isn't a crime so to speak. I said I needed to change my patterns with men, but my ex sees no need for inner searching and or change. My friend says..."That is here you will f**K yourself up..you are projecting your behavioral standards on him". I agreed with him, but I have been trying to be more assertive and I said to him.."Do me a favor, don't mean to be harsh..choose a different "f" word, my issue, but I hate that word". He said "Ok..Gn". that is it..no response back. I started crying with the f**k word..my ex used it so much and would say it to me all the time. It was a huge trigger. MY GOSH...am I being controlled by another man with controlling issues?  Why do I feel like I am being controlled? I feel like if I didn't agree to trust his judgement, he wouldn't share his opinion..I am not comfortable trusting anyone right now!!! He is completely ignoring me..no apology, no "i am sorry I offended you..how about this word..." That familiar feeling of thinking I am crazy is BACK...OMG!!! THis is my friend. He has said some other weird things to me in trying to help me..WOW. Please someone give me some feedback. |
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Oct 17, 2014 21:15:58 GMT
I have to reply to my own thread at this point. I learned a lot in the last 24 hours. 1. I do not trust anyone right now...things are too recent for me to think that trusting any man is a comfortable feeling for me. 2. Flashbacks are real..I didn't have any idea what these really were until my interaction with my male friend triggered this horrible reaction in me. 3. I wouldn't trust the Pope at this point..no offense to anyone. 4. We can't rush healing..each of us has our own pace..for me it is taking 2-3 good steps forward and then 1 big step back...still making progress..but that is where I am and I am giving myself permission to go at that pace..it is working and I am all about what works! 5. My friend is not abusive..it was a misunderstanding and he and I worked it out...a lot like the way two people in a good relationship would. 6.I am going to call a DV hotline and find a support group and a counselor who specializes in DV therapy. I can't do this by myself even though I thought I could.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Oct 19, 2014 20:39:54 GMT
Hey kann,
Thank you so much for all your helpful comments on our forum!! I agree with you that now might be a good time to help yourself first and foremost. We are here to support YOU and please also do NOT feel like you have to post here if you would like a break from other stories, and focus on your own. The time after leaving an abuser is dangerous, and you are more likely to start becoming engaged with another abuser statistically. That is because abusers can sniff emotionally needy people-- and know it is easy to abuse them. In this case of course 'emotionally needy' is positive. You deserve to get help and support, understanding and compassion- you have a RIGHT to be emotionally VERY needy when traumatized and after leaving an abuser especially.
The best sources for help I found came from fellow women and of course a professional counselor. Reach out to the DV hotline you mentioned, they always have great advise as well and can professionally support your healing.
We are always here if you need an ear!
|
|
|
|
Post by crystal on Oct 19, 2014 22:43:01 GMT
Hi, just wanted to say Janine is so right about you helping others on the forum. You do need to look after you though. A DV hotline is really a good idea as they understand as soon as you speak to them. I don't think any of us can do this by ourselves, we all need a bit of help along the recovery journey and like you have said we all take time to heal in our own ways.
Sometimes I write things out and then tear them up its like getting it out of my head in way if that makes any sense. Remember you are a very strong person and things will get better for you.
Take care!
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Oct 21, 2014 1:58:13 GMT
Thank you both for your support. I need to focus on me, but that is so difficult, my life's work is in the field of caring for others..counseling, support, education, I do it everyday in a job I love. Receiving help is not something I am good at. I hope I didn't over step my welcome..I am sorry if I did. Helping others takes the focus off of me and that works for me. It also gives me something positive to do.
I am heading to the local DV agency tomorrow to attend a support group. I am really nervous about going. I was in my Bible study class yesterday and I was answering a question and broke into a sob. My class has some ideas of what is going on in my life, but they embraced me and loved me so much. I was embarassed but I needed them so much. One very sweet lady said to me.. "K, the one thing you said is that 'you were a victim..you are not a victim but a survivor'" SHe is so right. Today, I feel like a victim. Very hard day today...haven't had contact with my ex in a week...week ago today that I texted him and told him off. I have had contact with him..once a week for the last 4 weeks..no contact today. It is good..it just was like I could go a week and be ok, but going longer is going to be hard. I am so determined to "never to touch that cigarette (my ex) again". I wish my ex had come with a warning label like a pack of cigarettes do.
I hate that this is happening to me..my anger level right now is high..I am grieving the loss of many things, and I am now in the "anger" phase. It irritates me to no end that my ex has no accountability for all he has said and done to me over the past year!
I am hoping that when he dies that he gets up there and God turns out to be a woman..and my ex will freak out. Sorry, have to smile because trying to have at least 1 day in a row of not crying!
|
|
|
|
Post by crystal on Oct 22, 2014 18:42:24 GMT
Hi Kann
How did you get on at the DV agency and support group? I hope it was helpful for you. I agree you are definitely not a victim all of us who get out of abuse are "survivors" and also very strong. Despite what people say who don't understand DV it takes a lot of strength to survive day to day in the abuse and when you leave. I understand your anger feelings, I have had the same though they took a very long time for them to come out in me, but anger is good in a way because you are realising you were treated badly by someone who you trusted. The longer you go withour contact with your ex the better it will get as you begin to realise what they were doing to you and its almost like coming back to life and realising, hey that just wasn't right or it was for me.
I think the answer is one day at a time and keep telling yourself you are a good person, you deserve so much better and life will get better, it may take time, but we will get there!
Take lots of care x
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Oct 22, 2014 19:25:23 GMT
Hi Dianem..thank you for your response! Yes, I went to the DV house in my town, best thing I did! I attended the support group and it was only myself and 1 other young girl. She made me sad as she is probably in her 20"s, 3 kids with a husband who controls every second of her day. She attended the group and she said how sweet he is being. I pointed out to her that she was doing what he wanted, and she was admitting to him that she had a problem and had to get fixed. Her mother came with her because he didn't want her going by herself. She and I are in different places, but we learned from each other I think. They had a topic for conversation..it was on "rational thinking"..which I found helpful as I have a lot of my own thoughts that need to be re-worked so to speak. I also have signed on with a counselor and have an appointment next week. I think it is going to be very helpful. I am feeling stronger today. Monday was hard..it marked a week without any contact (text or otherwise) with my ex..but I decided that I am celebrating every Monday with a treat for myself ...in reaching my goal of not having contact with him. I am hoping this will continue to motivate me to not go backwards. I haven't seen him in over 4 weeks, and that is a good thing too. I also have not had contact with my "friend" who upset me last week..I am not sure what happened with him, but I can say I don't miss the stress it caused me to be in contact with him. It wasn't helpful to me to be talking to him, so I am not pursuing any further contact with him either. He tried to be helpful..but if I am honest with myself..he wasn't supportive in the way that I need right now..so thanks but no thanks  . Hope you are doing ok! Yes, one day at a time..that is my new motto! |
|
|
|
Post by crystal on Oct 22, 2014 20:39:23 GMT
Hi Kann
I am so glad you went to the DV house and attended the support group - where I stay there is nothing like that. Its good you found it helpful and I hope the other girl found it too.
Glad you are feeling stronger. Milestones like a week after you left and things like that can make things hard and your feelings can become mixed up but you know you are doing the right thing and trust me in the long run you will feel better for this. I didn't like to say before about your friend who upset you, but I felt a slight red flag there.
Let me know how your counselling appointment goes.
Take lots of care
Diane x
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Oct 24, 2014 3:10:21 GMT
Hey Dianem..I am glad you commented about my friend..my "jerk radar" was going off big time. I haven't contacted him and don't plan to. I have known him since we were kids, he was the boy next door. BUT, he has some real issues with control that I want nothing to do with. I don't need any of that right now. I will let you know of my counselling appointment next week, I am also going back to group on Tuesday.
Right now, my biggest struggle I am dealing with is my anger. I came here tonight to get my focus off of wanting to contact him..I so want to make him feel horrible. It is so wrong, it goes against everything I was taught and believe as a Christian. BUT...I don't think I have ever really experienced "evil" until I experienced my ex in his abusive state and as I review our relationship..I doubt every word that came out of his mouth. I trust none of it to be true. THings keep popping into my head that he said, things that only fit into the puzzle of this web called his "abusiveness". I won't act on my thoughts..I would never physically hurt him or do any damage to property..nothing violent. I just want to give him a dose of his own medicine..I want him to think he is crazy, I want him to be nervous and wonder what will come next. AND then I want the insight to hit him like a 2x4 and the remorse to hit him so hard he will beg to go to a counselor and get help. That he will apologize to every woman he has disrespected and I believe that list is way too long.
This is my fantasy...I know in my head it will never happen...my heart just 'craves" this fantasy.. like my body is craving that addiction of wanting to be with him. Craving that cigarette so to speak. I fight that craving everyday..I am going to beat this..I am determined.
Thank you for listening..I needed to get that off my chest.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Oct 24, 2014 13:44:34 GMT
Oh man kann, I can TOTALLY relate to this. Right after I had JUST left my ex, I was contemplating walking around his beloved car with my keys.....you get what the idea was here.
I also do not think I would have ever really done it- but there were many, many, many moments I wished I could 'pay back' something to him- and turn the tables and have HIM be the crying, begging human in the corner on the floor (like he had me when he abused me).
I can promise you one thing, these feelings of anger and hate DO go away. Time is a magic healer, and especially once new things occupy your mind- a nice trip, a good day at work, a nice day with a good friend....you start to think less and less of him or the anger. I think I actually punched a LOT of pillows in the months after leaving- to get rid of my adrenaline and stress hormones, your body sheds like crazy after escaping an abuser.
I too did NOT want to harm things or another human being- but the pillow...by myself late at night....felt ok. Therapy really did help me a lot too- as I wanted to focus on my work at university, not on the abuse anymore. But with all feelings I believe if we try to control the feelings or the healing process, it may not help. I then would feel shame and guilt for 'not getting rid of that anger faster' or for hating someone and wishing someone else ill.
So in the end I realized--- hey.....it is OK that I hate him today. It is OK I am angry or sad or want to hurt him in my thoughts. If I acknowledge the feelings, if I say: Oh hey anger, hey hate, here you are again guys. Welcome, please stay for a while, but then I will ask you to leave and come back another time."
Then those feelings would not grow stronger, they actually lost strength. My therapist did a lot of meditation on 'demons' with me, meaning reading books like "Feeding your demons" by Buddhist authors,- I do have to say therapy was the number 1 best healer. Everything else came through therapy, over many months of working through the abuse, but also family issues from way before having met my abuser.
----
so fast forward to now, about five years out of the abusive relationship. I do no longer 'hate' my ex. I did at the start, I wanted to harm him in my mind- and torture him like he tortured me. I believe this is a normal step many victims go through - and it is the moment you realize: "wow.......he knew all along what he was doing- I wasted months....years.....decades.....on that monster, this soulless worm." Part of it comes from believing we live in a 'Just World' - a world where things are black and white- if you are a good person, you will be treated well.
Nope.
People fall victims of other people for NO reason. You can be the best, kindest person on earth, and yet experience a rape or have a broken arm from your husband.
There is NO reason as to why---- it is just that not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone follows the moral values of a safe, free society.
Now -- to me I found peace in the fact that the best 'revenge' -- without it being an active revenge, was to be extra kind to myself.
I ....myself deserved the love and kindness now. I wanted to nurture myself, heal old wounds, build a life that was safe, happy and filled with respect from people around me.
In the months after leaving him, I actually ended up kicking a TON of people out of my life. Not the best, good friends- who had been safe and healthy since I was little--- but...there were especially MEN....oh boy did I kick out some real a...h...es. As soon as my jerk radar went off, I learned I no longer needed to wait until I had 'enough proof'- no. Out they went, I never looked back. My facebook account added probably around 10 people during that time under 'blocked'.
I also no longer tolerate men who I know are just my friends or acquaintances, but who I know abuse their wife or girlfriend. Out you go.
It is a liberating process, maybe painful at times, like you mentioned about your one male friend. But it is soooo self loving, your soul will reward you every time you say NO to abuse, and yes to safe, good people.
I am very proud of you for taking such good care of yourself!!!
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Oct 24, 2014 13:49:09 GMT
Oh and by the way- this whole "feeding your demons" is more of an approach that helps you embrace your feelings- be it anger or hate....not to 'fight' them, because really you are going against a part of your own self. For example if I feel the hate and anger come up, I sometimes picture the anger or hate as a 'demon or monster' -- and if I lovingly focus on them roaring, trying to get my attention, I can say to them: I see you, I feel what you are feeling."
In therapy we then pictured me dissolving into a 'nectar' that fed the demon until it had enough, stopped roaring, and became smaller. In the end that 'demon' became a friend, someone on MY side, working for ME.
It may sound weird, it did to me certainly at first....!!!!
but it helped. Maybe the counselor at your DV shelter has some resources on meditation (and that has nothing to do with following another god or religion as meditation and buddhism meditation techniques really CAN help you become a better --- whatever you already are--- be it Christian or Muslim or Jew.
|
|
Why do I feel like I am being controlled? I feel like if I didn't agree to trust his judgement, he wouldn't share his opinion..I am not comfortable trusting anyone right now!!! He is completely ignoring me..no apology, no "i am sorry I offended you..how about this word..." That familiar feeling of thinking I am crazy is BACK...OMG!!! THis is my friend. He has said some other weird things to me in trying to help me..WOW. Please someone give me some feedback.
.