karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Oct 15, 2014 2:19:12 GMT
Hi everyone..I just want to throw some positive and hope into the mix of some of the sadness we all have been through. I decided that I need to go forward and begin to heal, to love myself, and be the strong, happy person I use to be. Just wanted to share what is empowering me. One of the things my abuser boyfriend did right away was buy me a lot of gifts..the first time I met him he brought me 3 presents. He gave me earrings, a necklace that I have half the charm he has the other half..that lasted for a week he lost it. He bought me a new flute..$1200 worth..i never asked for it..but he got it. Later it was the center of an argument. I bought dishes and clothes and everything has a memory attached to it.
I bought a bedspread for "our bed" that we never got to have because he had control over when that would happen. Tonight I decided to get rid of it. I gave back all the clothes that I had of his..purely by accident..they got caught up in my stuff when I left the house very quickly. I gave back a picture. He accused me of attempting to get him back by keeping stuff then returning it. Wrong..i honestly didnt know I had it. BUT getting rid of that stuff that all has memories attached as been very therapeutic. I will sleep better tonight as the old bedspread triggered a lot of flashbacks...and the new one never had a man touch it! I feel lighter just looking at it.
My point is..making small changes..things that may seem silly..really are helpful in the healing process. It also gives me control and I am sleeping with bed linens that "I LIKE" and my choice to change it without anyone else's opinion. That is very refreshing to me and very powerful.
Take small steps and do what makes you feel good..it is very freeing...and right now..my freedom is very important to my health and happiness.
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Post by thistle on Oct 15, 2014 2:39:31 GMT
I think it is great to do whatever you can to rid yourself of painful reminders of the past. I found it very therapeutic to replace household items with things my ex had never touched - new lounge suite, new computer etc. I didn't replace them all at once but each time I did, it helped heal the wound a little and moved him further away from my life.
I would not be returning his things if I was you. Throw them out or give them to a third party to return to him. If he hasn't missed them, then he does not value them. It is important for your healing to keep your contact to a minimum. The cheek of him, though, thinking you were using the items to get him back. It shows what twisted logic these abusers use. They are so much the centre of their own universe and they take it as a given that other people centre their thoughts around them too. So pathetic.
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Oct 15, 2014 2:51:48 GMT
Love your advice kann, you make a lot of very good points there! I got a very expensive guitar about 10 days into dating my abusive Ex-- for my birthday years ago. He knew it had been my dream for a long time to learn how to play the guitar. Then he would almost immediately get angry at me for 'not learning how to play it RIGHT'- and ask me to only let him teach me and keep a booklet with his tips- from the very first few exercises I was supposed to do and the first song I should play. He pouted and guilt-tripped me when he found out I had downloaded the song I MYSELF had always wanted to learn on the guitar- without consulting him. I was forced by him to take the guitar with me when i left to go to graduate school, and when I was there I finally broke up with him after his control was just too much. That guitar? Well, I exchanged it with a student in my program, who needed someone to lease her apartment over the summer semester....and I could only afford half of the price. She accepted the guitar as the other half of the payment and I had a fantastic summer, in a very nice apartment. I played the music I liked (and he criticized nonstop) out loud over and over again and felt happy, content and "good enough"  She took the guitar with her to the other end of the country after our program ended and I am soooo glad it is out of my sight. After graduation I bought myself a brand new, awesome guitar. From my own money. The first song I learned to play? The one I always wanted to learn!!!! Abuse is hard. But you come out empowered over time, you learn how to set boundaries, how to read red flags...like you said you learn to value yourself. |
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Post by crystal on Oct 15, 2014 11:10:08 GMT
I can totally understand what you are doing changing things to help you heal. I did similar stuff when I came out of the abuse. Re-decorated my living room in the way I wanted it and got rid of all the pictures on the wall and bought new ones as it all seemed to have his stamp on it. Sometimes its little things like this that helps us along the way and to help you heal.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 15, 2014 21:23:40 GMT
Hi everyone..thank you for your reply..I typed this up once so if it is a repeat I apologize..I think I deleted what I wrote!
Anyway..I so needed all of your responses..today was one of those days where I was "self talking" myself a ton of times. I sat in the car and shouted.."you are a good person, you did not deserve the abuse, you did not cause the abuse, and you are not crazy!!" I repeated this several times. Your responses made my day!
Thistle..I agree, no more returning items..I think I was trying to be the "decent" one and not throw it away..my ex would consider doing that. Dianem and Janine..thanks.I plan to play music again someday..MY music..my ex asked me one time to give him a song that I loved so he could learn to play it for me..he plays the guitar and is pretty good..I gave him my favorite song..he never learned to play it, whenever he and I played together it was always the music he liked. He would try my music..but he got frustrated pretty easily if he couldn't play it and didn't really try it again. I saw a guitar one time in a store that he and I would frequent..it was only $75 and the perfect size for me (I am petite)..I thought it was not in my budget and I told ex I didn't really need it, he offered to buy it..but I refused..wasn't going down that road again as he bought me the expensive flute and later told me I should show my appreciation by censoring what came out of my mouth.. so..a few weeks later, he came home with a guitar that was medium size and much more expensive ($300 I bet) and he tried to teach me how to play. I don't think I was as good as he was hoping, so he didn't really continue to teach me..he lost interest. I felt bad.
I will pick up my flute again..it will be the music I LOVE and when I am ready. It has his stamp on it still, but that is one interest I am not going to give up..i just have to heal and I will. I love my music..so it will take time.
Thank you all again..you really brightened my day when I was getting stuck on my thoughts!
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