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Oct 14, 2014 21:23:52 GMT
Post by Rory on Oct 14, 2014 21:23:52 GMT
I made it, at last. It's good to be back. Back to the routine of school, work, sports and housework--although my hubby and the kids have the house looking so nice, I jokingly asked them who they hired to clean it! I enjoy the routine, though. Keeping busy is the best distraction for me, when the past comes back to haunt me. My daughter shared something with me before I left, after her counseling session this morning. She said that her ex had forced herself on her, multiple times. She didn't go into details, but in my ignorance, I suppose, I never imagined that happening between two women. I mean, thinking about it, of course it can, I just never entertained the thought. I thought that at least, she'd have escaped that. It breaks my heart. My own ex did it to me throughout our marriage. And it got to the point where I stopped resisting, because I knew I'd just get hurt worse. Except for the day I left for good. I've only shared what happened that last day with my husband and my former counselor, no one else. Is it okay if I share it here? I don't want to trigger anyone with it, just memories coming back and sometimes it helps to write it down.
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janine
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Oct 14, 2014 22:16:38 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 14, 2014 22:16:38 GMT
Hey Rory, It is totally fine to share whatever YOU feel comfortable with here. The DV topic itself is impossible to touch on a public forum without throwing all sorts of triggers around. It is very compassionate and thoughtful of you to mention that though about the trigger warning. Some people write [trigger warning] or so before their posts, however sometimes I find you end up writing along and then mention something you never thought you would mention. What I like about this place is you just write it on out, there is no judgment and there are no rules, just acceptance. Ok unless you write something really crazy like "How to get a fake passport to Switzerland"-- in which case me or steve or lindsey (the owner and creator of the forum and website) would take the post down and most likely ban your computer ID assuming you try and sell questionable immigration services Now I am very sorry to hear your daughter had to experience this, and I am very thankful she has found a counselor whom she seems to trust. That will be a healing relationship for her with that counselor and it is a good sign she is willing to talk about it all. It seems like she held back and tried to be strong for very long, now she can finally heal in connection with others and get it all out. That is cleansing, we cannot tell our own stories enough. We have to tell them as long and as often as we personally feel. Healing is such a personal journey and the counselor, as DV trauma specialist, is most likely highly trained in very successful therapies like EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy. My own therapist years ago walked me through my most serious traumatic memories and even though my Ex never raped me as such, he did use a lot of emotional guilt tripping and tried to get me to put caution aside and risk pregnancy and infections prior to him being tested. Abusers know that intimacy is a VERY sensitive area and can create extremely strong traumatic bonding. I also understand that you wondered about the entire side of homosexual couples and sexual abuse, after all this area in general (same sex couple abuse) has not been made public for too too long, and we only now start considering victims of same-sex relationships or even male victims in general. For these groups of people the toxic shame and fear of not being heard or believed is even greater. Sadly of course....it should not be this way and luckily a lot of research and work is done to change this. I am happy to hear now YOU can also refuel your batteries, enjoy daily life and the beauty of being immersed in distraction and a schedule, that really is in itself like occupational therapy and can help you digest all of this. I bet you daughter bounces back and she will go on to have a great career and healthy private life. We are always here should anything come up that you would like to run by the forum, be it about your daughter and of course your own experiences in the past. Whatever feels right for you, is the way to go. Nothing more, nothing less.
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janine
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Oct 14, 2014 23:03:35 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 14, 2014 23:03:35 GMT
I forgot to mention- my therapist years ago was fresh out of graduate school with her PhD, and she suggested I try out "Guided Imagery" as an add-on to our regular counseling sessions. www.healthjourneys.com/StoreHere is the website of the therapist who has created this form of therapy, and as far as I know the US military uses the trauma (Guided Imagery for Posttraumatic Stress: Healing Trauma) MP3 for soldiers who suffer PTSD, and the "sleep" etc. "depression" ones for them as well. I personally found the 'Healing Trauma" and "restful Sleep" the best as my nightmares and flashbacks were my worst PTSD symptoms. You can sample the files on the website and the book that the Mrs. Naparstek wrote "Invisible Heroes" is also a wonderful resource for victims of traumatic events. You can also google her, she has a legit practice in Chicago and it a recognized therapist, so no cheap 'help yourself with everything' materials there. Maybe you can ask your daughter to bring this into counseling, so that she (if she might use it) does so within her professional mental healthcare setting as additional support. The "Healing Trauma" needs definitely to be introduced and guided by a therapist- as it can trigger a lot of things but helps you to walk through them in a safe way.
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Oct 15, 2014 3:43:57 GMT
Post by Rory on Oct 15, 2014 3:43:57 GMT
Thanks, Janine. I will definitely check out the guided imagery website and let my daughter know and see if she is interested. I may even check them out for myself. I told my husband what happened to my daughter and how it's bringing back memories. He offered to listen if so wanted to talk, but I'm not in the mood to break down. Writing it down is less emotional. So here goes. It was a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant with our 4th child. When I found out, I was devastated. I was 22, with three young children already. My youngest was only 6 months old. I'd had started taking birth control in secret after my second daughter was born, but when she was two, he found out and beat me so badly I was afraid to start taking it again. I became pregnant with my now 19-year old only a few months later. And there I was, only six months after she was born, pregnant again. My ex, on the other hand, was thrilled. He said he just knew it was going to be his boy. He behaved so sweetly towards me. Brought me breakfast in bed, helped around the house. He knew I was wasn't happy about the pregnancy, but he assured me it was going to be okay, that he was going to be there for me. I really thought maybe he'd changed. Even after all he'd done. I even started feeling happy about the baby myself. Two weeks later (at about 7-8 weeks along), I started spotting and I was in pain. We dropped the kids off with my mother and started driving to the hospital. The moment we pulled out of the driveway, he flew into a rage. He accused me of taking, or doing, something, to cause it. He was yelling at me, saying he knew I didn't want this baby, grabbing me by the side of my neck, and twisting my arm the whole way. I had an ultrasound at the hospital. There was no heartbeat. I had a D&C and was sent home later the same day. On the way home, he slapped me twice, and told me I'd killed his son. For the next week, he stormed around the house. I was supposed to be in taking it easy but I couldn't, because the kids had to be bathed and fed and taken care of, and if dinner wasn't ready when he got home, he'd go nuts. My oldest daughter wasn't quite six, and she was doing her best to help, doing dishes, vacuuming, bringing him his drinks, saying, "See what I did, Daddy?" Trying to make him happy. Nothing was enough. My four year old was hiding in her closet most of the time. On that last day, a week after my miscarriage, he woke me up at 4am, drunk. He said I was going to give him a son. And he climbed on top of me. The doctor had said no sex until my follow-up, but my ex didn't care. He told me to shut up. He said I'd killed his son and I was going to pay for it. I knew I couldn't get him off of me. I weighed about 105 pounds, and he was just too strong. But I'd had it. Something had sprung up in me. In the past, I'd always been able to find a way to justify the way he treated me, to convince myself of the ways I was at fault, like he said. But this? I had done nothing. I had barely been out of bed since I'd found out I was pregnant. I was eating only healthy foods. I drank nothing but water and the protein shakes he'd made me. How could I have caused it? I hadn't. So I got angry. And I started kicking, and biting, with everything I had. Even he seemed surprised. He hit me across the face and said, "Damn, girl, have you lost your mind?" Of course he overpowered me in the end and did what he wanted. After it was over, I was just waiting for the beating, but it didn't happen. He just rolled over and went back to sleep. But later that morning, before he left for work, he showed me the bite mark on his arm and said we were going to talk about that later. After he was gone, I took the kids and I left. First to my mother's, but he kept showing up, banging on the door, and my mother kept telling me how she and my dad couldn't take it anymore, and I had to work things out with him. In the past, I'd listened to her and gone back. But I was done. I packed us up and went to my brother's for a while, but he found me there, too, and my brother had kids of his own. I didn't know anything about restraining orders, and never considered calling the police. My ex (and my parents, for that matter), had told me that it was family business, and the police wouldn't do anything unless they witnessed something. And I'd seen the proof. Someone had called the cops on my father when I was 10, after he slammed her against the wall and slapped her in a restaurant. The police came and I'll never forget what they said, "Sir, why don't you take your family home and cool off. And we don't want to see you here again tonight." So he took us home and beat her some more. That was my experience with the police. So when I left, I figured I was on my own. I know it sounds crazy--it was 1996, not exactly the dark ages. But I had lived in the same small southern town all my life, very sheltered. I didn't know there was a big world out there where people felt very differently about things. I had felt that things were wrong for most of my life. I just felt like I was alone in feeling that way. So after we left my brother's I just drove. I was terrified. I had less than $50 in my pocket. I didn't know how I was going to take care of my babies. I remembered I had an aunt a few hours away, though I hadn't seen her since I got married, so I headed that direction. About halfway there, we stopped at a little cafe in the middle of nowhere, for something to eat. And that is where I met my guardian angel, a middle-aged waitress named Jill. I wish to this day I had gotten her last name. The cafe was pretty quiet and we got to talking. I didn't reveal much, just that we were on a road trip. She was very sweet and amazing with my kids. At some point, she asked where we were headed and I said, honestly, I wasn't sure, probably to my aunt's for now. She just nodded, smiled at my kids, and said, "Well, I'd better get back to work." A little bit later, she dropped off the check, said, "Well, I'm off. I hope you get where you're going. Drive safe." And she was gone. When I opened up the check, there was a note inside that said, "If you're running from something, or someone, there are people who can help you and your babies. Please stay safe." And she'd left an 800 number. And on the check, she'd crossed out the total and written, "It's on me. I've been there." I just started sobbing. I never knew there were such good people out there. When we got to my aunt's house, I found out she'd moved. So we checked into a cheap motel, and after the kids were asleep, I called the number. It was a domestic violence hotline. I started crying again, thinking, how did she know? I felt like she must have dropped from the heavens. We were in a shelter the next day. Of course, that was nowhere near the end, but that was definitely when the healing began.
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janine
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Oct 15, 2014 4:43:19 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 15, 2014 4:43:19 GMT
Rory,
You sharing this experience has me in tears right now but in a good way, because I am SO thankful you met this waitress/guardian angel.
What a woman....and what a mother and woman YOU have been back then to just know enough is enough!!
You have my compassion. Not only did you experience the abuse, but you also grieved the loss of a child you carried. You survived all of this even though also your core family, your mother and father, committed the ultimate betrayal by not protecting you and their grandchildren when they should have. You had been passed along with three little kids with no safe place to stop and rest and feel protected.
I am SO glad you got that number and found the shelter.
And even though I cannot say anything to make this memory better in any way, I hope it is enough to say I am glad you trusted us and let us sit with you and your memories here for a while with you together. Healing does take place in connection and on our own terms.
You and your kids are safe now. Nothing can harm you and you approach these memories now from a very safe place in your life.
One thing I can say and be convinced it is an honest promise, is that the brain works like an aquarium with mud in it. I like this metaphor a lot when it comes to trauma- especially since you already went to see a good counselor and worked through a lot of it. If the aquarium has been stirred up (by watching your daughter experience the abuse now), it gets all muddy there for a while.
But then slowly the mud sinks again and the water becomes clearer and clearer.
Over the next few weeks and months your life will go back to normal, and I would not be surprised if your Ex suddenly reaching out about his dying grandmother has triggered a lot of the old PTSD. You really have been a strong rock for your kids and continue to be a great caretaker of them and yourself.
Healing is something we do not control and the body and mind will remind us if there is something left that asks us for our attention. In that way depression, anxiety, flashbacks and often nightmares too are gentle (ok and sometimes very rough) reminders of our body and soul that something needs our attention. It is like a little kid, pulling on our shirt, asking us to stop whatever it is we are doing, and look at it gently. Maybe sometimes without doing anything- but to be with it, to sit with it. Acknowledge it, then let it depart like a train in a big train station.
You take great care of yourself and have a loving, happy home. The way you described coming home and laughing at how clean it was-- and how supportive your now husband is....wow. You totally deserve all of this happiness and safety.
Maybe you will find the trauma imagery good (I believe it is about 10-11 dollars and includes 3 mps files with an intro, a main guided imagery and one with affirmations)-- I for myself put it sometimes away for months and then if it feels right, I make some time in my day and do it and cry my heart out. Sometimes I go six months and do not even think of the trauma - even when writing here it is more like my volunteer community work I love and feel I know what I am talking about.
But there are moments when the trauma reminds me to continue to be gentle towards myself...and I take it as a gift really. Now I am far away enough and had professional therapy and can say it made me stronger and helped me analyze how abusive my own parents were....which really set me free in many ways.
Your story reminds me a lot of the woman I call MY guardian angel-
That night my abusive Ex came home drunk and I had already left him a few times but came back. He did not sexually abuse me because he was too drunk, but he attacked me and held me hostage for a few hours in our house. I managed to lie and say I would take a shower....after he insisted on being in the bathroom with me for getting ready for bed so I was in his sight. Luckily he was so drunk I managed to persuade him to go to bed- and when I heard the bed upstairs I left the shower, but let the water running. I grabbed a few things quietly and ran out of the front door of our house, not knowing where to go.
Then I remembered a woman a few years older than me, who had just started working at the cafe I worked at a few days before--she lived about 20min. walking from my house up the hill. I had no shoes, and wore only underwear and it was 2am. I ran like I was literally running for my life and did not feel the stones cut into the sole of my feet. When I got there I hammered on her door and she opened up quickly- then we could hear him already coming after me in his very loud car- and she turned off all the lights and told me to hide under the bed. She grabbed a baseball bat and waited by the door. We heard him walk outside on the gravel- but .....again luckily he only knew roughly the area she lived in, not the exact apartment door. So he gave up ...went home and later we found out that was when he cut and smashed all of my belongings.
We called the police and he was put in jail...for just a few hours. I do not know what I had done, had this stranger not been home or opened her door to me at 2am.
My partner now knows all of this and has been with me for many years- we have a respectful and peaceful relationship.
I am a lucky woman- and what happened shaped me, but it does NOT define who I am or how happy I am anymore. When the memories come up, I find quiet time, I listen to my trauma imagery and once I reached out to a new counselor. Whatever you feel is the right thing to do in the weeks and months from here on out, that is the right thing.
Feel free to write us whenever and whatever. You are always welcome. Maybe it might also help to take a little break from "the DV" after all that just happened with your daughter and the contact by your ex husband. That is ok too! I did that myself a lot and sometimes still do and read nothing about it, write nothing here and talk not at all about my experiences with it.
Please know we are always here, and our long term member steve, who has decades of experience working with abused children and women in his regular day job as a counselor, could also give you compassionate words, once he checks back in with us. He is also the author of the book "Jerk Radar" you can find on Amazon (by Steve McCrea) and in the book you find a ton of experiences from members of our board, including myself. (He had asked first for permission and did not publish any names of the victims- the book came out 2012)
So from being in the streets literally, overcoming abuse, we went on to build safe homes, you raised your kids to go to college and have a healthy stepfather now.....and we both contributed to public channels by sharing our experiences and therefor helping others. THAT....is being a true survivor of abuse.
I am really proud of you for all you have done, I mean that with all my heart.
There was something looking out for us...I have no doubt in my mind.
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Oct 15, 2014 20:59:37 GMT
Post by Rory on Oct 15, 2014 20:59:37 GMT
Janine, I'm so glad your guardian angel was there as well. I was taught in church growing up that we have guardian angels watching over us from Heaven. I'm not a very religious person, but I truly believe, that they are real. Only they don't watch us from afar; they walk among us, working through other people, showing up when we need them the most. Okay, there's my sappiness for the day. I think I will take a break for a while, now that things have settled down. I had a rough night last night. Reliving everything I shared yesterday. My husband said he tried to wake me up from a bad dream, and I turned over and clocked him. I don't even remember doing it. It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time in many many years. He's okay, he said I just caught the edge of his chin and it didn't even leave a mark. He said he's been working on his "bob and weave". Haha. It's good thing we can laugh about it, even though I feel terrible for doing it. So, I'm going to wait and hopefully the dirt settles on its own. If not I'll go back to counseling, but I have a feeling it's going to be okay.
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janine
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Oct 15, 2014 22:11:02 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 15, 2014 22:11:02 GMT
That sounds like a good idea! We are here should you feel like talking about anything regarding your daughter or you is helpful to your healing journey or hers. Thank you so much for sharing, I know many other women read your posts and will be able to relate and feel less alone through that.
Flip back that rear view mirror and look on out to what is in front of you, tons of good stuff!!!
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Oct 16, 2014 4:18:44 GMT
Post by karen on Oct 16, 2014 4:18:44 GMT
Janine and Rory..thank you so much for your courage to share your stories! They give me hope that I too will heal and find the happiness that I deserve and crave! I believe in Angels too...I believe that the good Lord above got me out of the abusive relationship I was in on purpose. My ex kicked me out..but I am coming to see that even though it was a control thing for him..I believe God reached down and took me out of a bad situation that wasn't healthy for me anymore. I had been praying for a "miracle" in a sense since the abuse started and I got it!
Just want to put my 2 cents in ...READ "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I haven't read a book in over a year...very unusual for me since I love to read. I haven't been able to concentrate on it and being with my ex during that year..I never felt comfortable reading. BUT that book is So so so so helpful..I am only a few pages in....and already it is starting to make sense. I had said I "probably wouldn't get what I wanted from my ex as far as an explanation" but this book is so much better than anything my ex could say. Thank you for recommending it...I will probably read it twice just to make sure I understand everything!
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Oct 16, 2014 13:43:51 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 16, 2014 13:43:51 GMT
Thanks kann!!! I am very glad to hear you found the book right and fitting. I feel the same way and have read it twice. You put it very nicely how this is all you need to hear- when the abusive Ex will NEVER say the right things to give you closure. If you got Lundy Bancroft, you do not need an abuser's final word anymore.
I love how Mr Bancroft has over 30 years experience working with abusive men, and their wives and girlfriends. And he finally knew it did not help one bit to focus on the abuser. They never changed. He knew you have to empower the women and get them out.
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