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Post by orange on Oct 14, 2014 18:20:31 GMT
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I miss my ex fiance. I've been in on and off again contact with him (i know stupid me) and I guess i'm kinda daydreaming about being with him like when it was good, but it being like that all of the time. I even dreamt about it last night. It is so hard to swallow, and let go of the fact he was so perfect in the begining, and various times throughout, even if short lived. I really can't let go of when he changed for a few months. It was like my prayers had been answered. I want that man back. And i'm having fantasies and dreams about it. And nobody understands I guess. The other ladies in the refuge are stronger than me. Only one of them has contact with their ex, and that's because of their child. So why am I so weak? I came across a quote yesterday "if someone is always on your mind, maybe they are meant to be there" is that true?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Oct 14, 2014 19:08:48 GMT
Hi Orange..I don't think you are weak..like me, you are in love with an "illusion" of what you perceived to be love. I fell in love with a man who I felt in my heart, soul, bones, you name it, was the right man for me. He said everything I needed to hear, he was affectionate, polite, kind, a gentleman, complimentary, he would look at me across the room and wink at me, and he was the best lover I have ever had. After 2-3 months..the "worries" started and with that came the lies, accusations, threats, and tons of crying on my part. How could this man who promised to "never let me go" and seemed to have my well -being at heart..turn on me and make me feel like i did something to make him feel the way he felt. It was all my fault. This went on for 10 more months..every 2-3 weeks..the worries, apologies, making-up, and the cycle would go on. That isn't love. I am still sorting it out..but hurting someone on purpose because "they deserve it"..that isn't love. You are right..it is a very difficult pill to swallow. It doesn't make sense..you are not crazy, you are not weak, you are a woman who trusted a man who lured you in and controlled you.
We are going to miss what we believed to be the "good" in someone. I would bet he loved you in a way you hadn't been loved before, or a way you had been craving. I am going to read "why he does that" by Mr. Bancroft...I really need to figure out this abusive type of personality..it baffles me to no end and angers me that I was vulnerable to it. It is part of my healing. And I so don't want to fall for anyone like that again.
Talking to a counselor can help, or reading some posts here. Look up "abusive personality disorder" online..i was shocked when I read the behaviors/traits...and my ex-boyfriend had 10, that I could identify, out of 20. Talking about it to those you trust..a counselor, pastor, DV hotline...it is all part of healing and that is what we need to do. I take one hour at a time...I try so hard not to think about him..some hours I am successful, others I am not. But each day..my goal is to focus less on him and more on me and my life going forward. I spent many hours a day when he and I were together, thinking about him and what he needed, or how I could love him better. As the saying goes.."he is a hard habit to break".
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