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Post by sally46 on Oct 14, 2014 14:27:46 GMT
PLEASE COULD YOU ALL LOOK UP TRAUMA BONDING.
I have tried so hard to try adn answer why i stayed for so long, why it toke me so amny attempts to break free and why NOW am i still thinking about my ex, TRAUMA BONDING made complete sense, it has amde me realise it is not my fault and it is normal to feel this way!
I copyed and pasted this:
Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can be lost. It is cumulative and only gets greater, never smaller. Bonding grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, making love together, having children together, and being together during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so.
Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. In leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to judge the correctness of the decision by how hard it is, because it will always be hard.
Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.
Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is neither rational nor irrational. If survivors can come to see that part of the attraction is, while very unwanted, a natural process, they may be able to understand those feelings and manage the situation more intentionally.
Intense relationships tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.
Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it. It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying. If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured
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Post by SAL46 on Oct 14, 2014 14:30:38 GMT
PLEASE READ THIS TO ABOUT TRAUMA BONDING! What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding!
Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.
Photo by Clearly Ambiguous
Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s FIVE things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.
1. What is trauma bonding?
Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards so you believe that he’s all-powerful.
“powerful emotional attachments are seen to develop from two specific features of abusive relationships: power imbalances and intermittent good-bad treatment.”(Dutton and Painter, 1981)
2. Abusers reward and abuse to maintain power
Your abuser is all about power and control. He (or she) systematically erodes your ability to think and act independently, using a range of manipulative tactics which may include:
physically abusing or intimidating you
gas-lighting you so you doubt our own judgement
isolating you from friends and family that may be able to help
manipulative lies designed to undermine your self-esteem and run you down
making sure that your time, energy and other resources are focussed on solely his needs
keeping you continually short of money (financial abuse).
What’s more, most abusers pepper their abuse with ‘rewards for good behaviour’. Maybe you get a thank-you kiss for managing to get his dinner on the table at the right time. Perhaps he takes you out for dinner to make up for last night’s drunken tirade. You may have heard – at least once, and probably repeatedly – that you are the best thing that ever happened to him (when he isn’t labelling you a worthless whore, that is). You feel relief, hope, and even happiness – however temporary.
3. Abusers want us to feel dependent
Photo by Occhi Rivoluzionari
He controls whether you are happy or sad, whether you are safe or in pain, if you are secure and comfortable or lonely and filled with self-loathing. Under this determined conditioning, you may (inaccurately) believe he is stronger than you. While this may make you cleave to him for protection, it also fuels your sense of powerlessness – making it harder to challenge or escape him.
In time, like a baby, you feel dependent upon your abuser for all of your emotional and physical needs. You form a powerful emotional attachment to him, which he doggedly reinforces through a pattern of abuse and reward.
Learning theorists have found that this intermittent reinforcement/punishment pattern develops the strongest of emotional bonds. Particularly intense relationships and extreme abuse forms even stronger feelings of attachment.
This powerful attachment – which arises directly from sustained periods of intermittent abuse and power imbalance – is known as traumatic-bonding.
4. Resisting the bond isn’t easy, but we can break free
Some suggest that the trauma bond triggers biological changes as well as emotional ones. This may cause you to be dependent on the highs and lows of the abuse cycle. Going ‘cold turkey’ seems impossible.
In addition, abusers are difficult to shake off. To get free, you have likely endured physical or emotional assaults including emotional blackmail and hoovering campaigns. These are the abuser’s attempts to maintain control, and they haul repeatedly on the trauma-bond to do it.
Often, you bounce back because – painful though it is to live with an abuser – your sense of self-reliance is utterly eroded and it hurts to battle the emotional attachment to him. I was only able to successfully leave my abuser on the third serious attempt. Many other times I was determined to leave, but didn’t.
5. Time really is a healer
Photo by wwarby
To stay out, I had to fight not only my abuser and his determined hoovering – I also had to fight myself. Many times I wanted to answer his calls. Often, I lay in bed at night, imagining the route I’d drive to get back to him. I could just hop in the car and go! That would stop the ache in my ribs, right? When he came to my door to insist on my return, a part of me cried out to give in each time.
I was exhausted, hypersensitive and anxious – all symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Waves of grief and pangs of longing left me breathless. But, as his hoovering turned to stalking, I listened to my head rather than my heart. Sticking to my Essential To Do list, the trauma-bond weakened with each day that passed. Life got easier. I grew stronger.
Researchers have found that after six months, attachment decreases by about 27 per cent. For those of us struggling with traumatic bonding, time really is a healer.
REMEMBER:
“You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world to win.” (Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels)
You are always stronger than your abuser. You have the ability to leave, at any time. Getting out is hard, but not impossible. You can help yourself by recognising that it is not love that’s pulling you back – rather, it’s a powerful emotional attachment that he created as a direct result of his abuse. The avalanche of emotions that you feel are normal. You are not crazy or weak because you feel that tug on the trauma-bond. In time, the bond will weaken – and working on your own recovery can help this process along.
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janine
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Admin
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Post by janine on Oct 14, 2014 15:11:52 GMT
Very wise words! And so true! Thanks for sharing.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Oct 14, 2014 19:40:28 GMT
Wow..very helpful and so true! Thanks for posting this! Traumatic bonding really has a biological base..that makes so much sense!
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Post by SAL46 on Oct 16, 2014 10:18:06 GMT
MORE ON TRAUMA BONDING. The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal
Posted on January 27, 2013 by theabilitytolove The following gives an accurate description of the highly ‘addictive’ quality of traumatic relationships with the disordered. The following is by Dr. Patrick Carnes and from his book, “The Betrayal Bond”. This is an excellent resource for your recovery:
Trauma Bonds
by
Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS
Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes
deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.
Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What
moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep
enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an
alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness
the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.
Like everyone who has loss, the clients have shock and disbelief, fear,
loneliness, and sadness. Yet the clients don’t notice because their guard is up.
In their readiness, the clients abandon themselves. Yes, another abandonment.
What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the
clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed
efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the
intensity.
These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort
their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The
clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which
almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called
trauma bonds.
Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds
with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive
and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own
trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a
person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity.
A number of signs exist for the presence of a betrayal bond:
1. When everyone around the client is having negative reactions so strong the
client is covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship.
2. When there is a constant pattern of non-performance and the client
continues to expect them to follow through anyway.
3. When there are repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody.
4. When others are horrified by something that has happened to the client
and the client isn’t.
5. When the client obsesses about showing someone that they are wrong
about the abuse, their relationship, or their treatment of the client.
6. When the client feels loyal to someone even though the client harbors
secrets that are damaging to others.
7. When the client moves closer to someone who is destructive with the
desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
8. When someone’s talents, charisma, or contributions causes the client to
overlook destructive, exploitive, or degrading acts.
9. When the client cannot detach from someone even though the client does
not trust, like or care for the person.
10. When the client misses a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and
longing that was so awful it almost destroyed the client.
11. When extraordinary demands are placed on the client to measure up as a
way to cover up exploitation of the client.
12. When the client keeps secret someone’s destructive behavior because of all
of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career.
13. When the history of their relationship is about contracts or promises that
have been broken, which the client are asked to overlook.
They all involve exploitation of trust or power or both. They all can result in a
bond with a person who is dangerous and exploitive. Signs of betrayal bonding
include misplaced loyalty, inability to detach, and self-destructive denial.
Professional therapists can be so focused on their client’s woundedness; they
will overlook the trauma bonds that may remain.
Finally, consider the context in which trauma bonds are most likely to occur:
· Domestic violence
· Dysfunctional marriages
· Exploitation in the workplace
· Religious abuse
· Litigation
· Kidnapping
· Hostage situations
· Cults
· Addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, sex, and high risk)
· Incest and child abuse
· Violence in other lands is closer than before. Terrorism and hatred leak
across our borders. No longer can we say that is not our problem. The
experience of 9/11 underscores the need for awareness about trauma.
· Between 1985 and 1993 exposure to violence increased 176% for the average
junior high school student. Fifty per cent of women in our culture will
experience some form of sexual assault during their lifetimes
Effects of Trauma on the Brain
When people are profoundly frightened, trauma creates a biological alteration
of the brain. At birth, only primitive structures like the brain stem (which
regulates fight/flight) are fully functional. In regions like the temporal lobes
(which regulate emotions and receive input from the senses), early experiences
wire the brain circuitry.
When early trauma/deprivation are present, the circuitry to and within the
temporal lobes are profoundly affected, resulting in emotional and cognitive
problems. Our primary brain goes into stimulation and is flooded with
neurochemicals. When the source of the fear goes away, the chemicals go
away. The person experiences cravings. They can become attached to trauma.
People become reactive human beings-going from stimulation to action without
thinking. PTSD is reacting years later to early trauma events
Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences. How far our
systems are stretched and for how long. Some events happen only once or just
a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs. Trauma by
accumulation sneaks up on its victims. They become acclimatized. Traumas
that are horrendous and long lasting are the worst. Such was the holocaust. Or
Vietnam or 9/11.
Emotional scars can be so severe that generations descended from those
surviving will react in ways that still reflect the original trauma. No amount of
normalcy makes it safe. Patterns and attitudes evolve far beyond the individual
and are incorporated into family and society. <end>
There is a universal stumbling block that I have noticed with survivors, as well as from time to time within myself, that I’ve given much thought too. A survivor was in distress about this the other day because her mind kept gravitating toward her ex. She has been out of the relationship about two years, just as I have been.
She explained her circumstances and I shared that I would ponder…then I had an “aha!” moment!
The more I think about these relationships, along with similar but not always exact patterns I see with survivors, it is becoming crystal clear to me how the ‘addictive’ component plays out and how compelling it truly is.
WE MUST TREAT IT LIKE AN ADDICTION.
The psychopath was our drug. We had chemical changes in the brain when due to the intense cognitive dissonance in the relationship. This means moving goal posts in our realities with him. He’s nice one minute, but utterly cruel the next. He can go a week and it is peaceful, but then we find out he’s cheating. Many scenarios can play out…so is he good, or is he bad? This cycle sets up the trauma bond, or rather the addictive element due to the severity of the insidiousness of the abuse.
So, let me ask you this: Have you had another addiction you’ve struggled with? There are many, addictions to substances is only one area of addiction. We have addictions to food, to sex, to spending, to hoarding…anything can be addictive.
When we give it up we are in pain from withdrawal. Our brains were wired through trauma and so we are literally re-wiring it to do something else.
When you are recovering from addiction, when do you think it is most likely that you will have cravings? During times of stress maybe? When you’re lonely? Another trigger?
This is why you think of him. This is why.
It’s not ‘missing’ of him in the sense that you miss an abusive and dangerous predator, it’s that you miss the addiction to the cycles he created. When we remove any addiction, we must stay away from any sources or individuals that are likely to trigger a craving that leads to cognitive dissonance, that could lead us to contact. The craving is what causes a relapse. WE WANT A HIT OF OUR DRUG. The idea is to get enough TIME away from it to heal our brains, and to fill the huge void he left behind.
So what do we do when we are addicted to something and are in recovery or trying to do something different?
If we are committed to our recoveries, we must change whatever it is in our lives that triggers the craving. We must utilize support systems from therapy to support groups, to changing even daily habits developed with the psychopath. We need to change our thinking patterns, be very good to ourselves, kind and compassionate and in learning skills that will keep you mindful and in the present moment. This means meditation, prayer, recovery focused reading, exercise, whatever will change your life completely away from the psychopath. This is also why no contact is critical to your recovery. If you had an addiction to alcohol, it’s not wise to go to a bar on a Saturday night if you’re serious about your recovery. You may have to remove many people from your life that you partied and drank with all the time. You will have to make a conscious effort to avoid them and any place that can set off your trigger and cravings. I realize there will be times where this will not be possible, however when put into the perspective of a very serious and dangerous addiction, using the psychopath as symbolic of your drug, if you have to deal with him in custody situations, or run into him somewhere, this will help you to greatly minimize his impact upon you. These are extreme exceptions however and I advocate for total no contact when it comes to a survivor’s recovery.
In the case of the survivor above who was in distress, all that was needed was someone to talk to when she felt stressed because her ex psychopath filled that ROLE (fake) for her.
Give this some thought. ♥
Onward and upward.
Note: This article also applies to men who are survivors of psychopathic women.
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Post by cloudhorse on Oct 16, 2014 16:26:09 GMT
This is a fantastic thread
So helpful
Thank you all!
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