Post by lilly on Oct 13, 2014 19:59:25 GMT
Dear ladies
I have come to this site to seek refuge. I need to seek refuge from my own thoughts and the opinions of others who have never experienced domestic violence so don't have a clue about how I feel. Reading through some of your posts made me cry because I could truly relate to many of your stories and I feel safe that I can share on here without harsh judgement or criticism.
Its been almost 3 years since my ex went to court and I was rehoused by the police. I have had 3 partners since and none of them have touched my heart and now I'm not with them its like they never existed. There is only one man that haunts me and torments my soul and that is the man who hurt me so much. Im so confused with the way I feel. I feel deep regret some times that I should of given it more time, I feel the guilt that so many of you have written about- that I played a significant role in his behaviour towards me, and I feel a loss, a loss of a love that when it was good- was the best love I've ever had.
I guess my inability to move on is because I haven't sought closure. His behaviour had got so bad, I wasn't allowed out of his sight, he followed me everywhere… gym, uni, work, He would drop me off and wait outside till I had finished,he wouldn't even leave my side in our own home- I couldn't have a bath with the door locked because he would think I was up to something. He was manic and checking my phone and social media sites all the time, he was forcing me to have sexual intercourse around 4-5 times a day because he was trying to make me pregnant, he would lay on my and crush me until I couldn't breathe anymore and had panic attacks, he would hold me in head locks for over an hour and tell me that the pain I felt was the same pain I made him feel. The emotional stuff was the worst. I was broken. My weight went to 6 stone and I looked like a skeleton. The only reason I decided I had to leave him however was because my 6 year old daughter told my parents that "**** beats mummy up". I thought I had hidden it from her, she was undergoing treatment for cancer and I thought I was doing my best for her and she was unaware. Turns out she was aware and at that point I knew I had to leave him as I didn't want to damage her little life.
I had to plan leaving him 2 weeks in advance as I had to find an opportunity where he would be away from me so I could change the locks and escape. Since he never left my side, the only time I could do it was his very first session alone with a therapist. This I think is where my biggest regret comes from. I never gave him a chance to have therapy. I never gave him the chance to seek the help he himself realised he needed. He would cry about the the things he did to me, I know he regretted them and he know he couldn't control himself once he got angry or insecure. I never allowed him the opportunity to change and I'll never know if he could. He had a messed up childhood. I understood why he was the way he was. He used to be a sportsman and when we met he sustained an injury which made him lose his career. He was a broken man, and because he didn't need to work because of an insurance payout it meant he had so much time on his hands that I think he was just driving himself insane with paranoia and jealousy and things.
Anyway. I left him. In the hour he was in therapy I had Locked the doors from the inside of the house so he couldn't get in, packed his bags and left him a note and then I disappeared. He called but I changed my number. The guilt was overwhelming and it was a matter of months before I made contact again only for things to end very badly, with the police and courts involved. He got a restraining order amongst other things and I was rehoused.
In the last few months, every weekend I relive the same pain. My heart aches. I miss the love that we shared. For every part he was a monster he was also the most amazing person. He showed such kindness to my little girl and he loved us both so tenderly at times. I haven't felt that love again. My mum says he never loved me. That if he loved me he never would of done some of the horrific things he did. I keep searching for him on the internet to know what has happened to him but he has disappeared. Nobody has heard from him. Some say he is in prison. If I was to see him, I know I would be scared. He scared me and I guess, in honesty, he still does. I don't even want to see him really- I would never ever go back there. I guess I just want to know if he went on to do this again, to someone else. Does that sound sick? I wouldn't want to wish that pain upon anyone. I just need to know if it was me that made him like that. Or if he will always be like that. My mum tells me that he probably hasn't thought twice about me, and always goes into women's lives leaving a path of broken hearts and destruction. Others tell me he had never had a GF before, I was his first. This bothers me too, if I was his first, and I knew his broken childhood, again, I should of showed more patience with a man who was afraid of getting hurt. Im lost. My heart aches and I just wish somehow, I could forget it all.
I have come to this site to seek refuge. I need to seek refuge from my own thoughts and the opinions of others who have never experienced domestic violence so don't have a clue about how I feel. Reading through some of your posts made me cry because I could truly relate to many of your stories and I feel safe that I can share on here without harsh judgement or criticism.
Its been almost 3 years since my ex went to court and I was rehoused by the police. I have had 3 partners since and none of them have touched my heart and now I'm not with them its like they never existed. There is only one man that haunts me and torments my soul and that is the man who hurt me so much. Im so confused with the way I feel. I feel deep regret some times that I should of given it more time, I feel the guilt that so many of you have written about- that I played a significant role in his behaviour towards me, and I feel a loss, a loss of a love that when it was good- was the best love I've ever had.
I guess my inability to move on is because I haven't sought closure. His behaviour had got so bad, I wasn't allowed out of his sight, he followed me everywhere… gym, uni, work, He would drop me off and wait outside till I had finished,he wouldn't even leave my side in our own home- I couldn't have a bath with the door locked because he would think I was up to something. He was manic and checking my phone and social media sites all the time, he was forcing me to have sexual intercourse around 4-5 times a day because he was trying to make me pregnant, he would lay on my and crush me until I couldn't breathe anymore and had panic attacks, he would hold me in head locks for over an hour and tell me that the pain I felt was the same pain I made him feel. The emotional stuff was the worst. I was broken. My weight went to 6 stone and I looked like a skeleton. The only reason I decided I had to leave him however was because my 6 year old daughter told my parents that "**** beats mummy up". I thought I had hidden it from her, she was undergoing treatment for cancer and I thought I was doing my best for her and she was unaware. Turns out she was aware and at that point I knew I had to leave him as I didn't want to damage her little life.
I had to plan leaving him 2 weeks in advance as I had to find an opportunity where he would be away from me so I could change the locks and escape. Since he never left my side, the only time I could do it was his very first session alone with a therapist. This I think is where my biggest regret comes from. I never gave him a chance to have therapy. I never gave him the chance to seek the help he himself realised he needed. He would cry about the the things he did to me, I know he regretted them and he know he couldn't control himself once he got angry or insecure. I never allowed him the opportunity to change and I'll never know if he could. He had a messed up childhood. I understood why he was the way he was. He used to be a sportsman and when we met he sustained an injury which made him lose his career. He was a broken man, and because he didn't need to work because of an insurance payout it meant he had so much time on his hands that I think he was just driving himself insane with paranoia and jealousy and things.
Anyway. I left him. In the hour he was in therapy I had Locked the doors from the inside of the house so he couldn't get in, packed his bags and left him a note and then I disappeared. He called but I changed my number. The guilt was overwhelming and it was a matter of months before I made contact again only for things to end very badly, with the police and courts involved. He got a restraining order amongst other things and I was rehoused.
In the last few months, every weekend I relive the same pain. My heart aches. I miss the love that we shared. For every part he was a monster he was also the most amazing person. He showed such kindness to my little girl and he loved us both so tenderly at times. I haven't felt that love again. My mum says he never loved me. That if he loved me he never would of done some of the horrific things he did. I keep searching for him on the internet to know what has happened to him but he has disappeared. Nobody has heard from him. Some say he is in prison. If I was to see him, I know I would be scared. He scared me and I guess, in honesty, he still does. I don't even want to see him really- I would never ever go back there. I guess I just want to know if he went on to do this again, to someone else. Does that sound sick? I wouldn't want to wish that pain upon anyone. I just need to know if it was me that made him like that. Or if he will always be like that. My mum tells me that he probably hasn't thought twice about me, and always goes into women's lives leaving a path of broken hearts and destruction. Others tell me he had never had a GF before, I was his first. This bothers me too, if I was his first, and I knew his broken childhood, again, I should of showed more patience with a man who was afraid of getting hurt. Im lost. My heart aches and I just wish somehow, I could forget it all.
