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Success!
Oct 10, 2014 20:06:55 GMT
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Post by Rory on Oct 10, 2014 20:06:55 GMT
We had court this morning. Her ex was trying to stare her down, of course, but my daughter was strong, and didn't look back. The ex plead guilty to misdemeanor domestic battery. The protection order was extended for a full year, and she's banned from my daughter's campus. Of course, that's after she completes her 60 day jail sentence!! I did not expect that! My daughter's court advocate told us to expect probation and a batterer's program. She said we had a tough judge, but jail time is rare for first time offenders with a misdemeanor. Nope, she got the jail time, the batterer's program AND 1 year of probation. And she was ordered to pay court costs, my daughter's hospital bills and for her laptop, which was found smashed when I went to get her things. I almost couldn't contain myself. We went out for lunch after, though my daughter didn't really feel like celebrating. I think she's feeling badly that it had to come to this. She said she was relieved, but not happy.
The ex does have until Monday morning to report, so she'll be out for the weekend. I offered to stay until she's locked up, but My daughter is telling me she's ready for me to go, and she'll be okay. She found a room mate in the dorms so we're moving her in this afternoon and tomorrow I'll head home. At least I can feel a lot better about leaving her than I thought I would!
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 10, 2014 23:35:19 GMT
I would advise your daughter maybe to come with you tomorrow- or for you to stay until the Ex is locked up for sure.
This is a total 'win' and a tiny bit of justice done for the abuse your daughter must have suffered. I am concerned how/if her Ex will seek revenge now that 'it is too late' and that she is awaiting jail- then again....you cannot hide forever and then when the 60 days have passed, we would run into the same situation. We have to trust your daughter that she is in charge of her life and feels empowered.
That said-
YEAH!!!!! I am SO glad she got jail time. I am not gonna lie, this made my day. My Ex never did get jail time - he was only ordered to pay for my laptop, which...tadaaa- he smashed after I left and called the cops on him.
So this means a lot to me that the judge took this serious- I bet he is just as tired of domestic abusers and their same old games.
I have high hopes this is over- and that your daughter if necessary calls the cops and cuts out all contact channels her Ex might try and milk in the future. Sometimes getting a jail sentence IS enough to keep most abusers away. She would risk a ton to get close to your daughter now and often then abusers move on to an easier target.
Does your daughter have pepper spray and is the dorm protected as in at night nobody can get in, and nobody at the front desk can give your daughter's room number out?
Anything you and her and campus and police can come up with to keep her safe until the Ex is locked up is important. If you have ANY doubts, stay with her regardless - I always prefer extra safe when it comes to abusers.
I cannot wait for Monday and to know the police confirmed she has been incarcerated.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 10, 2014 23:39:16 GMT
I also believe that your daughter probably feels the 'toxic shame' that comes when abusers face the consequences of their behavior, and the victim (falsely) resumes responsibility for what happened, - this is definitely a good time for your daughter to seek counseling on campus and have a 24/7 DV hotline handy in case she suffers from PTSD symptoms like depression, anxiety, flashbacks etc.
Again, let me say this must have been incredibly hard for you, and I am SO glad she you as a mom by her side this entire time.
When I had to go to court my mother did not even call me ONCE before or after- she let a friend of mine go with me and said 'it was too hard for her to pick up the phone and call."
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I hope for a safe and happy weekend for both of you, and that your daughter starts her healing journey now slowly. She will feel tons better once a few weeks have passed. I remember being in a turmoil of emotions after court against my Ex. It takes time and healing...
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Post by Rory on Oct 11, 2014 16:29:00 GMT
Hi Janine, I'm staying. She had a terrible night last night. She woke up crying and shaking and sweaty. She said she dreamt that she woke up in the hospital, her arms were bandaged up, and she had no hands. I couldn't sleep so I was awake and it took her two hours to go back to sleep. I don't know what's behind that dream, and I don't know if I want to, but I just can't leave her until that b*tch is in jail. I decided in the middle of the night, then brought it up this morning at breakfast. She said she wanted me to, but she was worried about her dad and her brother and sister at home, that maybe they needed me more! I assured her they will be fine. If I had to stay for the next month, they'd be fine.
So as far as security at the dorms, they are gated and, they have two guards 24/7, one at the entrance and one patrolling. Students who live there have an ID card for it and anyone who who doesnt can be required to show ID and may be subject to search. Also, they have the ex's picture and information and they know my daughter is living there now so they said they will actively be watching out for the ex.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 11, 2014 19:30:29 GMT
I feel a lot better with this arrangement. Once the Ex is locked up, your daughter has those 60 days to breathe. It will be a lifeline and much needed safe space.
After that you can take it from there and 60 days is probably enough to get your daughter through the first few weeks of PTSD and then with ongoing counseling and classes etc, then nice holidays with your family she will be back on the horse before you know.
Human beings are luckily very, very resilient and she has all the support she needs to heal. I am very happy this nightmare came to an end. From here on out she will know her family is a safe place, she has things to look forward to and can heal in her own time.
Way to go - on both of your parts. I am very happy this situation went from you suspecting abuse to the abuser being put away so fast. I wish it had NOT been at the cost of your daughter suffering severe physical abuse, but luckily she got out of it with no long term injuries and I believe better sooner than later have the abuser step over the line and uncover their game.
We need more judges like the one your daughter had.
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Post by Rory on Oct 13, 2014 5:35:50 GMT
Hi Janine, She's going to her first counseling session on Tuesday. The woman said she has 12 years experience working with domestic violence victims, though not exclusively. There's one other counselor on campus who also has experience. I told her if neither work out, to find someone off-campus, and I'll pay for it. I went with her to health services yesterday (Saturday) after that awful Friday night, and the NP prescribed her Xanax. She said she slept through last night and felt better, but she was very groggy all day. Not a long term solution, especially since she has a week and a half of school work to catch up on. I hope that once her ex is in jail, the anxiety and nightmares will let up some. The ex is supposed to report at 9am tomorrow, and they will call my daughter as soon as she's booked in. My daughter has 2 morning classes tomorrow, so we arranged for a security escort on the way to and in between classes, until she gets that call. I think then I will be able to breathe. I, too, am glad all of this happened so quickly. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. It will be good to see my husband and little ones again.  He and my two oldest girls are planning a trip in a couple of weeks to see my ex's grandmother. The hospice nurse confirmed what my ex said, and I was able to speak to his grandmother today. That was hard, but I'm glad I did it. My grandkids are going after all, but my 19-year old doesn't feel up to it. I just hope my ex steps out of character and keeps his word about staying away. |
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 13, 2014 13:01:10 GMT
Wow, it is amazing your daughter has all the support to keep her safe- thank you for doing that. I know how hard it is to be a college student and how easy it is to feel scared on campus with so many people around- and I hope that the Ex books herself in on time, or, what a few abusers also LOVE to do is not book in, and have the police come after them. Let's hope she is booked in very soon and then you two can really heal and catch a breath. It is also VERY amazing that you offered her to choose the right counselor. This is such an important topic and even though my first counselor was a hero and recent post-doc at the Uni I went to- and I have nothing but great things to say about her-- I have heard other students not liking another counselor on campus at all. So choices are important and she has them now.
In my experience the nightmares are rough, but they start going away and especially with counseling and having family and medical support available, she will bounce back and out this over time behind her.
This woman belongs into jail and I only feel sorry for her next victim, as they always move on once one target becomes too hard to control. But that is not out concern anymore and the safety and well-being of your daughter is ensured and she will be distracted by classes, classmates, holidays and fun stuff a young college student should be thinking of. Maybe she can even come home to visit next weekend and do her homework there- go for a hike and enjoy her siblings. You guys will be fine!!!
You both deserve a break now and some time off "DV".
It sounds like you also found the most appropriate and safe solution for the grandmother of your Ex for both you, and the kids. Dying is never fun and hospice care extremely hard- I hope she passes in peace and has a better 'something' waiting for her on the other side.
It will be ok, deep breaths and give yourself one more big hug and appreciation for being a very good mother.
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Post by Rory on Oct 13, 2014 17:30:25 GMT
She is in custody, in the hospital. She didn't show up, so the police went to her house to look for her, and she was passed out with half a bottle of aspirin and an empty bottle of brandy. *insert HUGE eye roll* Do they teach a class to abusers on how to commit half-assed suicide "attempts"? My ex didn't do it, but I've known three other women whose abusers tried almost exactly the same thing, a couple with whiskey, one with tequila. Ugh.
Anyway, she's fine. They pumped her stomach and she'll be in jail by the end of the day.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 13, 2014 19:30:45 GMT
Oh yeah, welcome to the club "I want to pretend how much IAM the victim now"--- My Ex told me he tried to commit suicide by using aspirin and alcohol.....I do not believe one word of it and at that time it seemed almost like: "Aspirin...really?  ?" In many ways it is an insult to people who REALLY suffer from suicidal thoughts and REALLY attempt suicide. Suicide is a serious problem and nobody should use it as a way to yet again control and abuse. Good thing she is locked up and I hope this was the last abusive manipulation she attempted. Some days it is just tiring how much alike they all are. And the only real sad thing is that some victims of course have empathy towards the 'pretended pain' of their abuser. A suicide 'attempt' fake move is one of the lamest control tactics I have yet to come across. The ONLY victim here is your daughter and she will thrive and meet a wonderful, healthy partner down the road, after she healed and graduated. Her entire life is ahead of her. I am so thankful your daughter got out ok and healthy- the trauma will heal. The nightmares will go away. The Ex is gone for now- big relief and deep breaths. I hope the first counselor your daughter visits is a good fit and by the time the Ex is out of jail, she will either break the law right away again and go back for another round (abusers love to ignore the law and play victim) or leave her alone. Way to go Rory, way to go. I am proud of you and your daughter. In a way I felt this is justice done for all those victims whose abusers never saw a jail from the inside. Of course I wish none of this had ever happened to your daughter, but she learned, she will grow from it and move on. |
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