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Post by julie69 on Oct 10, 2014 14:17:14 GMT
Last night he phoned me.
I had been maintaining "radio silence" for three months in order to clear my head and start sorting a few life things out, like work.
My mother kept saying I had to front up to telling him sooner or later, I couldn't just keep leaving things dangling, and as he'd kept on calling the house I reluctantly took the call but asked her to stay on the downstairs extension.
We chatted for a while, and it was mainly "how have you been keeping" type stuff. But then he started up again saying nasty things about my family and I told him it was over.
He took it in a very matter-of-fact way and we arranged what to do regarding having the remainder of my possessions returned.
My parents were very supportive and were proud that I'd had the strength to finally say it was over for good and I wouldn't be going back. I can't believe I had the courage to say it.
I've moved a lot of things forward since I've been back at my parents' house, like get a job and enrol in college, make some new business contacts and re-contact some old friends and relatives I hadn't seen for years. A campaign group I belong to has also had a major breakthrough recently, but I can't feel happy about any of it. I just feel totally flat.
Why do I feel like I have done a terrible thing?
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 10, 2014 15:32:40 GMT
Hey julie69,
Great to hear from you!
I believe that feeling down or maybe even depressed after leaving an abuser is a very normal and human experience you share with probably all of us here.
How did you feel during the time there was 'radio silence'? More free, relieved, healthy maybe even? I also would like to think the longer we do NOT contact an abuser, the more HOPEFUL we feel. At least that was my personal experience. Having had direct contact with him and being exposed to his verbal and emotional abuse during this call could have triggered your PTSD very easily.
One thing- I would advise you to NOT go and get the remainder of your things yourself. Send someone.
He will most likely use this 'last' chance of having to talk through practical arrangements of a separation to lure you back in. He has had a history of stalking you online, of going back and forth and in and out of this relationship. I would be surprised if he gives up now and will not try and manipulate you yet again.
Your parents should also change their number and keep the new house number private- or tell him you no longer live there if he does call again, and ask him ONE time nicely to not call again, or else they will inform police about his stalking activity. A DV hotline and a local shelter can be great resources for you right now, and I also highly recommend reaching out to a professional counselor during this period of change. If you are enrolled at a college class, you might have free access to the college counseling department. They can be a great support in your wish to find meaningful employment that does not drain you, like the work experiences you mentioned in a previous post.
No contact is the only way to deal with an abuser. It is hard to do, but it is a gift you give yourself.
It is wonderful that you reconnected to old contacts and started building your life up again without having him at the center and having him control every phone call that comes in.
Maybe try and watch those episodes of sadness/feeling like you have done a terrible thing/ mistake-- whatever comes to mind, watch it with a neutral but curious eye. Watch it come into your mind and watch it leave. It is ok to feel down. Humans grieve the loss of what once was- and the loss of an illusion or plan or idea or goal is a real loss. You have a right to be sad and grieve this relationship just like you would a normal, non-abusive relationship.
Let us know if you can find a good counselor and what the DV hotline support said- maybe they have a good local support group you could join for a bit, to see if it feels comfortable and right.
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Post by julie69 on Oct 27, 2014 20:56:14 GMT
Hi Janine,
He delivered everything to the house. All three van loads of it, carefully packaged up the way only a professional removal driver would know how. My family were in the house watching discreetly from behind the curtains as I brought the bags and boxes into the house.
There were a few phone calls afterwards, but he has now stopped phoning. He wanted to talk outside the house, and it was really just about music, instruments and recording gear, the type of stuff we talked about when we first got to know each other. He said some stuff about how he isn't angry, he knows that I was "under pressure" from my family to give up the relationship (i.e. he now blames them, when I previously left it was the fault of a seminar leader whose training I'd been to), and he asked for money for bills, which I pretended I hadn't got. He gave me a big hug, and for a moment I just wanted to cry at the loss of what we had. Then he went back to blaming my family again. He said he will always love me and that his door will always be open "when you realise and come looking for me again".
I did feel somewhat relieved that the last conversation had been mostly amicable. It kind of softened the departure somewhat.
I have read a lot of stuff, researched a lot online, and there's nothing that seems to "fit". Parts of certain books on abuse make sense (I recognise the scenarios being described), but the author's interpretation of what drives the behaviour seems "off" and doesn't describe my bf.
I don't recognise the "cycle of abuse" in his behaviour, although I had been aware of that and had been specifically looking for it and his "triggers".
I very definitely don't see "traumatic bonding" - the description of what victims experience doesn't describe what I'm feeling in any way. I just don't see it whatsoever, although I've read and re-read the online article to make sure I understood. Coming from the spiritual/philosophical background that I do (and he also), I have a very different explanation for the deep connection that we had. Any "counsellor" would have to be on the same spiritual level to grasp the concept, otherwise it would just be me sitting there trying to explain basic spiritual truths while they tried fobbing me off with a load of CBT-esque psychobabble.
So when I heard about "coercive control" I read the book of the same name, thinking that maybe this would be a better description, I was disappointed that the author diluted his own argument by giving examples where the relationships were physically violent. It would have been more powerful if the book had focused on the coercion and control and left the violence out, to really drive the point home that it is THOSE factors that do the damage because of their ongoing nature, not the physical fights (which bf and I rarely had). Another "close but no cigar" book.
I think I shall just have to deal with this in my own way.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 22:31:17 GMT
"He has sworn at and accused two members of my family of nasty things because they didn't get me to come to the phone, at my request.
He reduced a very elderly female relative to tears accusing her of not being a proper Christian.
I'm missing him like crazy but can't go back to a life of micromanagement,
namecalling,
cursing,
shouting
and accusing,
kept under a watchful eye
and isolated from friends,
prevented from signing up for higher education,
and being strongly discouraged from looking for work."
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Hey julie and welcome back,
I was out a few days due to a car accident- now back on the saddle, which in my case turned out to be a nice rental car for now.
Now i copied the excerpt of one of your former posts for a reason- and in the order I did. Sometimes after leaving an abuser, they do go into the nice honeymoon phase- even if you may not have observed the full cycle of abuse before. All those things you mentioned are serious signs of abusive behavior.
It may not be from the book 100%, but you had valid reasons to believe this relationship was not healthy for you or emotionally safe.
I am excited about what things you will achieve now with being able to sign up for higher education. Is that still a direction you are looking into? I have a lot of friends who work in higher ed, me included as a lecturer, and there are many amazing ways of getting on education even later on in life. It really is not too late- even if it will sound challenging. We just had someone at my college actually becoming a certified nurse at age 49, and she got a 55.000 dollar first entry level job right away. How cool is that!
My message is that life is not over, and whatever your belief system is, of course you have the right to WANT this to be part of your life, decisions and relationships. I myself grew up Christian - but am a very liberal Christian who incorporates a ton of Buddhism meditation techniques into her life. I have friends in the church who would only want to talk to a church counselor, not a regular one.
I personally believe 100% in science, but respect and understand any other world views or spiritual directions. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been a blessing for me, but of course everyone is different. This type of therapy, as well as others like EMDR etc. have a great clinically proven record to deal with trauma, relationship problems etc. and also selfesteem, depression, anxiety.
Now, back in your first posts you mentioned you were excommunicated from a former religious or faith community- and without wanting to ask too personal questions, I would like to mention I wondered if that experience is something maybe a good counselor could also help you work through with. It sounded like a very painful loss you had (or have) to grieve in terms of long-time friends and relationships you have been abandoned from.
I cannot imagine how hard this was and might still be, you have my compassion!
In addition I would like to add that usually I would think only cult or sect like communities do such a thing. Mainstream and loving religions/faith communities, INVITE you with an open heart, open doors, like the lost son in the bible who got to come home, regardless of what mistakes he had made. His father was waiting, he loved him and welcomed him arms wide open.
THAT to me is what love, community and faith should be like. Most other things scream abuse and patriarchy to me.
Hope you are feeling better today after you received your property back, and had a few days to get some quiet time in your mind.
No matter what you do, we are here and understand.
Love is safe, connections that are worth your lifetime and energy are full of respect, kind words, helping each other grow, respecting boundaries and supporting that your partner has a life outside of the intimate relationship as well.
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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