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Sept 1, 2014 12:05:08 GMT
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Post by Me on Sept 1, 2014 12:05:08 GMT
I hope you may be able to help me I have been with my husband for 10 years and I'm so unbelievably unhappy.
I have a 4 year old and a 3 mth old he has beaten me in the past but stopped for quite a while but has started again and today threatened to slap my daughter for not saying hello to his mum it scared me so much as the look on his face was what he looks like when he beats me.
I really don't know what to do my mum and dad moved away a few mths ago and I'm sooo embarrassed that I am in this situation in the first place
He has always said he would kill me if I leave... He also accuses me all the time of things I haven't done I'm at a loss I don't know what to do I just want my children to be safe from him I love him so much but he can't seem to control himself at all
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janine
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Sept 1, 2014 14:03:56 GMT
Post by janine on Sept 1, 2014 14:03:56 GMT
Hey you and welcome here,
He CAN control himself- and he chooses to abuse you, and now your children directly as well. He will harm them physically and the reason he has maybe not done it YET, is that very little kids do really most of the time what the parents want, but as soon as they grow more into independent individuals, they too need to be controlled by the abuser in the family.
One thing you can do to not feel so alone is call your national domestic violence hotline. You can also google and call a local DV shelter in your area. NONE of these people on the phone will ask you for your name or address- you can choose to remain completely anonymous. They will just inform you about free options and services they offer. This includes free counseling for abused women and their children, free housing, financial help, a pick up service, help to relocate, legal help for divorce/custody situations and much more....
I urge you to please delete your internet browser history and use a SAFE phone for when you contact the hotlines though. Abusers often control what emails you sent, what numbers you contacted, the internet sites you visited etc. Some install programs on your computer to get passwords to your email accounts etc.
I also highly recommend you to read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It is a book written by a very experienced therapist who has worked for many decades with abusing husbands and boyfriends. He, and latest research from top universities on the topic of DV have also stated that almost NONE of the abusers ever change.
The only way for you and your kids to live safe and free of violence is to leave.
That is also often a scary thought for women who have been with a man for a long time, who have most likely been socially isolated by him and lost a lot of self esteem, financial freedom and the hope that life could be better.
You do not have to live like this. You can get away from him. There is help.
I am concerned about your safety as many abusers who threaten to kill you say it because they mean it. We brush it off as a 'joke' or 'heat in the moment' and he would NEVER do that....but then again you probably also thought for the longest time ' he might hit me...but NEVER would harm his babies".
The author of the book I mentioned above, Lundy Bancroft, also has a great book for parents called "When mommy hits daddy" or something like that. It explains how your children already suffered from his abuse - even if you might think you were able to hide it well.
If you cannot get yourself to leave for your own happiness and safety, do it for your kids. Children of abused women who left - always claim they do not feel bad for having grown up away from a beating dad - they usually wish mommy had left the man sooner. They also have amazing capabilities of understanding why mommy had to leave because daddy chose to hit her and she was scared and no man should ever hit a woman.
If your daughter sees you tolerating his abuse, she is also at a GREAT risk later statistically to choose abusive partners herself. Children are very good at imitating us- more so than listening to what we say. She will get used to the fact that being married means to walk on eggshells and always hope for dad to change. He never does.
If you think about the next ten years, how do you picture this life with him? How would it be without him?
You do not have to answer to us- it is more for yourself.
I have yet to meet one abused woman who got away, either alone or if she had kids with her babies who says: "I regret having left my abuser." That is once she has fought through the very, very difficult time right before and after leaving, the custody battles and court, -- and finally life does get normal.
My own mother left my abusive father when my brother was 9 and I was about one year old. He used to beat up my brother and threatened to do the same once i was old enough. I am so glad I did not have to go through that. I DID pick an abuser though many years ago and got away- and there is a direct relation between having had a violent father of whom I was scared, and me picking a violent and abusing man.
Getting away was hard but now I have been free of abuse for so many years and it is such a freeing and amazing epxerience to say: NO MORE. I deserve happiness, I deserve to be free and come home not being scared of the one person who should be my safe haven and anchor.
Relationship Bill of Rights I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. I have a right to follow my own values and standards I have the right to say no and not feel guilty. I have the right to experience and express my feelings. I have the right to feel safe. I have the right to take time for myself. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to ask for information. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of doing. I have the right to be me and feel good about myself. I have the right to leave conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated I have the right to act only in ways that will promote my dignity and self-respect. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”. I have the right to end the relationship. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems. I have the right to expect honesty from others I have the right to all of my feelings I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgments, or any reason that I choose. I have the right to change and grow. I have the right to be happy. I have the right to make friends and be myself around people. I have the right to be angry at someone I love. I have the right to both experience and let go of fear, guilt, and shame.
Hope that helped!
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Sept 1, 2014 14:30:17 GMT
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Post by Me on Sept 1, 2014 14:30:17 GMT
Thank you so much I know that I need to go I'm just so scared what will happen after and what the courts will allow him to see the children etc as I would not put it past him to take them to another country I'm scared if I will leave he will find me or them
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janine
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Sept 1, 2014 16:44:40 GMT
Post by janine on Sept 1, 2014 16:44:40 GMT
Those are very valid fears you mention.
The DV hotlines should be able to talk with you through those fears, again you do NOT have to give away personal information to them. You could maybe also go see a regular counselor, if your situation allows this at all. Some women here have used 'white lies' for example and told their partners another reason as to why they need counseling. However, most likely your husband will NOT allow or support you to see a counselor given his controlling and violent history.
Let us know how calling the hotlines and/or shelter went. You do not have to decide anything- it is more like a 'checking out the store' thing really. You are not the first woman to be scared about the exact same issues, and many, many before you have left under the same circumstances.
Listen to your gut and stay safe,
we are here and we care
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Sept 1, 2014 17:10:13 GMT
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Post by Me on Sept 1, 2014 17:10:13 GMT
Thank you again it's the first time I have ever even told anyone about this I'm so ashamed
He is taking his mother back to his country tomorrow for a few days and has said he will sort me out when he gets back I'm sure he will be fine when he comes back but I just need to know what my options are I think as I don't see a chance for this relationship to work
I just want to be happy again and feel comfortable that I can talk to anyone I want without him accusing me of sleeping with them or doing something wrong thank you for your kind words
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janine
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Sept 1, 2014 18:23:53 GMT
Post by janine on Sept 1, 2014 18:23:53 GMT
While he is gone, it might be a great time to call a shelter and the national hotline. The shame is upon him. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
It is emotional abuse to leave with his mom, and threaten to 'sort you out' upon his return. This only leaves you in fear for the entire time he is gone and walking on eggshells, even if he is not right there in person.
You are reacting very normal, to a very sick and dysfunctional situation. He cannot be helped and he enjoys using his power over you. Otherwise he would have tried to find help and support with his issues. Often times victims of abuse are so traumatized and experience what is called 'traumatic bonding' - that they think their partner has 'just a few issues and if I do better or love him, or hope he gets help, he will see the light and heal.'
The mean truth is they already know what they are doing. We do not live in a just world. This means bad things (an abusive partner) DO happen to good people. This of course leaves your entire world broken into pieces, when you realize all these years were lies, manipulations and him choosing to hurt you intentionally.
Let us know what the hotline people said, you do not have to be alone in this.
Leaving really is a process- not one single event. You have googled domestic abuse for a reason and found us because you already see through his game. Abusers will do what they can- cry to have you come back, threaten, hurt, promise, cry again, say they will kill themselves or you or everyone else, etc. sometimes they change tactics within seconds in just one phone call or conversation or email.
HE is the cause of your unhappiness and bad feelings. I once compared it to a piece of glass in your foot. You have been walking with that piece of glass for a lot of years now. You can choose to leave it in there-- and it will hurt all the time, some days a little less, some days it might really hit a nerve or vein and hurt a ton. It will never go away. Your kids also have piece of glass in their feet right now, slowly hurting and harming them day after day.
You can choose to pull it out once - with the help of professionals by your side to manage the bleeding and pain. And it will continue to hurt for a bit after the surgery.....like every wound. BUT.....if you choose to pull it out and say: ENOUGH! The wound eventually does heal, the pain does go away, you will walk again like you did before you met him...and only a tiny scar will remind you of the days when you felt depressed and anxious and hopeless.
You are strong, reach out. You can do this.
One thing- depending on which country he is from- child kidnapping by an abusive father IS real. My own father took me and my brother once and would not return us- the police had to come find and get us. He gave up eventually after my mother involved the police and court system over EVERY incident and he finally realized he needed an easier target.
Keep EVERY piece of evidence - his texts, his phonecalls to your voicemail, his emails, if he hurts you, report it to a doctor. If you have friends who witnessed him threatening to take your kids abroad, have them report it too.
Deep breaths, lots of water and sleep if you can...your body is your ally, I am glad you have a few days of him being away coming up to have a little bit of space to think clearly again without him putting confusing thoughts into your mind and heart.
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Oct 9, 2014 19:28:23 GMT
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Post by Me on Oct 9, 2014 19:28:23 GMT
Hello again So a month later I have told him I don't want to be with him anymore I don't think he can believe it so is trying to be super nice and actually help with the children now Nothing really happened to make me do it except he shouted at our daughter and it was enough for me to realise she does not deserve it neither do I I have told me mum just some of the violence as I told her I wanted to leave and she was trying to get me to try again now she just wants me out I'm just really scared now as we have a mortgage together he mentioned that he was going to go back home another country but now says he wont as he wants to see his kids whenever he wants to I don't know what me next steps are please give me some strong words so I know that I am doing the right thing
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janine
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Oct 9, 2014 20:02:33 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 9, 2014 20:02:33 GMT
Hey you and welcome back,
Let me copy and paste your very first entry here:
'I have been with my husband for 10 years and I'm so unbelievably unhappy.
I have a 4 year old and a 3 mth old he has beaten me in the past but stopped for quite a while but has started again and today threatened to slap my daughter for not saying hello to his mum it scared me so much as the look on his face was what he looks like when he beats me. He has always said he would kill me if I leave... He also accuses me all the time of things I haven't done I'm at a loss I don't know what to do I just want my children to be safe from him I love him so much but he can't seem to control himself at all.'
Contact a DV shelter or hotline, they can further help you work on your concerns regarding the mortgage. They can also help you get access to counseling.
If you cannot leave him right now for your own good, try and think of your children and their safety for now. Abuers do not change. You dont have to give another ten years to this man.
No woman or child deserves to live in fear. This is not your fault. He chooses to abuse you and your babies and he will never stop.
Money is just that, money. You will recover from any financial hardship a divorce might bring. It is much harder to recover from emotional and physical abuse, especially for your kids who have nobody to protect them but you.
Leave him now before he steals your daughters childhood and another decade from your life. He will beat your daughter like he has threatened to do verbally. This is called child abuse and illegal.
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Oct 9, 2014 20:06:28 GMT
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Post by Me on Oct 9, 2014 20:06:28 GMT
Thank you I keep wobbling and just having people telling me I am doing the right things helps lots
I just want to feel free to talk to who I want and do what I want but I'm so scared he will try and keep coming round and take the children.
I really appreciate your help
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janine
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Oct 9, 2014 20:42:56 GMT
Post by janine on Oct 9, 2014 20:42:56 GMT
You deserve all the support and compassion you need during this phase in your life. It is not easy to be with an abuser and it is hard to leave. The ONLY thing harder than leaving though, is staying. It means you give your own happiness and that of your children into the hands and control of someone who is out to break and destroy you.
See if the shelter and DV hotline can be a place you can call daily, if needed. Whatever YOU feel is right, do that. Your gut and heart have all the answers and you know deep down the answers to all your questions.
If you have to, involve the police and child protective services. You do not have to put up with his abuse. Your children have nobody else but you to protect them, put them first if it is too hard to leave in some moments. You will be able to be strong for them.
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Oct 17, 2014 7:11:20 GMT
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Post by Me on Oct 17, 2014 7:11:20 GMT
So I am out my mum and dad came with me to the abused wives centre who agreed he cannot be trusted while our house sale goes through yesterday I went to court to get a non molestation order so waiting for him to be served at the moment he is playing games at the moment keeps trying to cancel house sake etc but already starting to feel less trapped
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