Feeling sad because it's over.

Hey MS,

I went back to see what exactly he had done and said- and I would like to copy and paste one part here.


-----"If you don't decide soon I'm going to take you down to that pier and fucking drown you."

I was shocked and upset. He has threatened to leave me, jokingly said I'll beat you before and shouted at me before but this was sinister. I hardly spoke to anyone for the rest of the evening. The next day at the beach I was hardly talking at all. I asked him to go for a swim and I said 'What you said to me last night has really upset me.' He replied 'Well you better carry on being upset then' and swam off. He didn't really talk to me properly for a few days and then it got a bit better for the last few days and I thought everything might be ok. -----



I find in this one example alone it is very easy to spot the extreme abuse. He threatens to drown you- over being a bit insecure about what food to order.

Wow.


My Ex used to 'joke' he wants to choke me till I am dead--- when we had a bit of an argument, and he would have this smirk on his face, saying I was being 'overly sensitive' when I told him he could not joke with these things. They really are also NOT joking. I have NO doubt in my mind your Ex will beat you, like he threatened above,- even if he said it 'jokingly'.

One thing that came to my mind is that I can REALLY recommend you the following book:

"The gift of fear" by Gavin De Becker.

The author is a very experienced CIA security man, who makes sure major politicians etc. but also regular citizen who face stalking or domestic violence, stay SAFE. I read this book, among others, when I could not stop wondering if "I had been too sensitive and if we could make it work" (this is called "Repetition Compulsion"- a term you can google and might find applying to some of your choices in the past as well)

He explains how we HAVE to take what people say seriously. A NORMAL person simply does NOT joke like this.
Period.

They do NOT joke like this.

It has nothing to do with you being a 'bad sport' or 'not getting a good rough joke' -- no.

He was grooming you to be a victim. He tested the water. He will apply physical violence and his verbal abuse only will get worse than it already has been.

Now he has you in a good spot too, and he knows it. You are still allowing him to run your emotions.

"I gave in and messaged him the other day. I want to see him to say goodbye. We work in the same area and my new place isn't that faraway either so I may bump into him eventually. I may try and explain why I did't want to talk to him and decide together about what we should do but I get the feeling he won't listen."


You cannot explain to an abuser why you do not want to talk to him. Why?
Has anything you said before helped to make it better? No.
He does NOT care how you feel or why you do things. Otherwise he had apologized for threatening to drown you, and then NOT punished you with the silent treatment on your holiday in Greece for days on end.

I highly recommend you getting back in touch with a CBT counselor during this time, as it is really a rollercoaster of feelings.
I felt like I was going crazy, that maybe I had been the abusive one after all really, that I provoked him, that my insecurities caused this etc.

Later I found out there had been issues before that lead me choose a man and stay with a man like this- and I chose to heal and grow self-love. Years later I can say my life is abuser free and I keep it that way. My insecurities about life, my profession, about where to live etc. are gone for the most part- and I feel I can trust my judgment, be proud of myself, embrace my strengths and love myself so much, that no sneaky manipulating snake can get back into my mind.

You sound like such a thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive person. All of these qualities are amazing, useful and needed on this planet!!!
Besides, even Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been upset about his partner telling him "I will fucking drown you if you don't choose a dish now".....so there you go.

It sounds like you have friends and family who care. See them, engage with them- and throw out your Exe's number, email- Facebook, everything.
Just because you moved out and have less contact, does not mean the abuse is over.

Be strict to yourself here when you find it hard to cut the ties. Leaving more stuff at the house you shared with him, texting, arranging another meeting are all still behaviors he wants you to have. You still feel hooked and addicted to his attention, feeding the traumatic bonding.

Again, it is soooo normal to do. I wonder if anyone ever walked away without taking two steps forward, and often one back again. What is important is that now you see the abuse already yourself. You found help, you reached out. That is such a strong thing to do!!!
It is ok to miss him and tell us, or your therapist. Sometimes our friends and family cannot understand why you would still miss him- so sometimes having the professional therapist for that is the best solution for your healing.

Hope that helped a bit too and stay as objective and analytic towards his words and actions as you have been.
The mask is gone, he can no longer fool you back in 100% as you now are aware of the dynamics he is using to control you.