Post by EmilyG on May 12, 2020 20:09:40 GMT
It's been a while since I posted, almost 9 months. Here are the links if you would like to read my whole story. I'm sorry this got so long. I took me almost 2 days to get it down.
First post
Second post
I left my gf back in August of last year, for the second time. I went back to my parents, under the promise of my mom that they wouldn't bring up my sexuality, or demand or pressure me into going back to their church. Despite the fact that my father had recently been made an elder, it started out that well, it was good for a couple of months and then I was talked into attending the wedding of a family friend. I told my parents I'd go for the ceremony but not the reception, because I couldn't take being around the church "family" for that long. After the ceremony, I was confronted in the parking lot by another elder and his son who tried to get me to agree to talk to the pastor about my "future in the church". I told them no, I said I didn't have a future there, and they continued to hound me about rethinking things, saying they could help me and the older man, the elder, even grabbed me by the arm as I was trying to get into my car and he said "Sister, you know what the fate of your soul is if you walk away." I yelled at him to let go of me and I guess a few people heard and came out of the church, including my dad. He and the elder had some words, which I couldn't hear, with the elder and then my apologized to me and said he had no idea they would do something like that to me. I told my dad I wasn't ever going to set foot on the church property again. He didn't say anything except "I got it".
I drove away, and in the next couple of weeks, everything imploded. My dad said he was going to have a meeting with the pastor and the elder who confronted me. He said he expected the elder would be, at least, reprimanded for grabbing me, but it didn't happen. Instead, they focused on the implications of an elder having his actively homosexual daughter living under his roof. He told them it was only temporary and they said he had 2 weeks to get me out. My parents fought quite a bit about it. I had my bag packed and was at the point where I was going to just find a shelter, even a homeless shelter, until I could find a room for rent or some other situation. Then they came to me and said they wanted me to stay. My dad said he'd figure something out. As it turned out, what he figured out was to hide me. I had to park my car at work, and had to go elsewhere if anyone from the church was coming by. It went on for 6 weeks. Then that Sunday morning when they were at church, I was sitting on the front porch. I figured it was safe because everyone would be at service. That same elder came driving up the road and I ran inside and locked the door, but he saw me. That evening my dad was brought before the other elders and he was stripped of his position. They said "temporarily", but from what I gather, they basically implied that he wouldn't have a chance at getting his position back until he ceased associating with me at all.
I still feel so terrible about this. I feel like it's my fault for even agreeing to move back in with them, and then for going to that damn wedding. And after this was all over, I didn't leave their house, which I know I should have. My mom cried and begged me not to go. She said I'd end up back with my girlfriend and she was afraid for me. My dad reluctantly agreed with her, but I could tell that neither of them were happy. They were treated like outcasts at church after my dad lost his position, like they were constantly having to prove themselves. They weren't to be trusted. My older brother is married with 3 kids, with another on the way, so he and his family have been spared the same treatment, but I could tell he wasn't happy with me, my parents were miserable, my mom was crying all the time. So I found a room for rent with a couple who are not part of the church. I was there less than 3 weeks. They put up a nice, normal clean front, but the husband as it turned out was an alcoholic and he was up all hours of the night coming in or going out, knocking things over, then she would come out and yell at him and threaten to throw him out. I couldn't stay there. I spent a couple of nights at my coworker's house and then a mutual friend of my ex's called me to ask me to come for Christmas. She told me my ex would be there, but there were also going to be several of our other old friends there, and I don't know why, but it made me feel relieved. I thought at least I'd be able to relax and not have to think about the church, or my parents and family. Just a nice brunch and dinner with a few of my fellow outcasts.
I honestly had an GREAT time. i hadn't seen some of the friends in a while and it's was really good to see them. It was very relaxed, we laughed, drank, played some games. It was the first time in a long time I had felt at ease. My ex and I talked, not for long, but it was pleasant enough, she never asked me to come back, she only said she was sorry for everything that happened, and she hoped I was doing well. I guess I don't have to say how it ended. We all got back together for New Year's and I was back with my ex less than a week later. I don't know what is wrong with me, why I kept doing it. I knew it was stupid of me, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't take it, can't take it, constantly listening to people tell me they love me, but that I'm wrong for being who I am.
It didn't even take a month after we moved back in together, before things started getting bad again. Nothing physical happened, but she went back to wanting to control everything, questioning my motives, accusing me of not loving her enough. I put a little makeup on, which I don't do everyday, but on occasion, and she asked who I was putting it on for. I told her no one and she called me a liar and walked away. I was almost at the point where I was ready to leave again, and then the shutdown happened and I was furloughed. She is an independent contractor, so she's just been out of work. Our first day home together after the shut down, she sat me down and said she wanted things to be better with us and she said she was making me a promise that she was going to start treating me the way I deserved to be treated. No more yelling, no more accusations and she said she'd never lay a hand on me again. In my head a voice was telling me, she's lying, you know she'll never keep this promise. But I wanted to believe it. I wanted it so badly. My parents always told me I never learned anything the easy way, I was always pushing the boundaries.
This part is so hard...the morning of Easter Sunday, my parents invited me to dinner. I told them no, because my dad wouldn't have allowed my gf into the house, too much risk there, and we had plans to cook dinner at home anyway. In the afternoon, my mom showed up to give me an easter basket. It only had my name on it, and not my girlfriend's. My girlfriend and I had been drinking, and she was pretty near drunk by that point. After my mom left, my girlfriend exploded, about my accepting a gift from my mom, when my mom couldn't even acknowledge my girlfriend's existence, and couldn't even accept her own daughter (me) for who I was. She made it like she was only worried about me, and she told me I had to just let my parents go. I told her I couldn't. I love my parents too much and I'll never give up on them. She stormed off and drank some more, I drank some more. Late that evening, she climbed on top of me, I don't remember much of it, but I know I told her NO, I told her she was hurting me and she hit me and told me to shut up. I remember the smell of liquor so strong it made me nauseous, so I turned my head away and she kept yelling at me to look at her, and hitting me when I didn't. After she was finished she went into the bathroom and I got up and tried to get out but she caught me and she dragged me back down the hall, started kicking me and then she flung me into the wall and I hit the side of my head on a shelf. A few minutes later (or more, I'm guessing) the police and an ambulance crew there and she was gone.
The next morning I couldn't hear out of my left ear at all. The doctor at the hospital said my eardrum was ruptured. As of yesterday it's about 60% back and they said I should get it all back once it's healed, but they said I was lucky. Sometimes the hearing loss is permanent. And I had to go for a rape exam and when a nurse who I'd never met before came and offered me the morning-after pill, I had to explain to her why I didn't need it, because apparently that little bit of information hadn't been passed on to her.
My ex has been arrested and released on bail, and I have a restraining order, but her court date is still on hold, so she's out there free somewhere.
I found another place to live for now, another room rental FAR out of town and it's 100 times better than the first one, but they are gone a lot and it's just lonely. I'm on a waiting list for one of the women's shelters, they said it should be just another 3 weeks to a month. I haven't spoken to my parents, I can't let them know everything that's happened, I feel like I've put them through enough, and I don't want to cause them any more trouble. One of my friends from the Christmas and New Year's parties contacted me to see how I was doing and I hung up the phone on her, because I realized that I don't believe she or those other people were looking out for me. I don't mean to say I blame them, I know it was my choice to show up knowing my ex would be there, but at least 3 of them knew what she had done that had made me leave the last time. They knew how I got the broken leg. I thought, why would they even invite me knowing she would be there? How could they be her friend and claim to be mine as well? I just can't deal with them. My co-worker has called too, but she and her husband are still part of the church, so I've been ignoring her calls. I know I need to get some help, I've tried the hotlines and it makes me feel better for a while, but not for long. I'm so afraid to reach out for help because it seems like everyone in my life has their own agenda. I feel like no one's help is ever free, there's always a price to pay. And so I told myself I could figure this out on my own, but I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm never going to find my way out from under this. I'll be 25 in October and feel like my life is over. Please tell me there's hope because I've run out of it.
First post
Second post
I left my gf back in August of last year, for the second time. I went back to my parents, under the promise of my mom that they wouldn't bring up my sexuality, or demand or pressure me into going back to their church. Despite the fact that my father had recently been made an elder, it started out that well, it was good for a couple of months and then I was talked into attending the wedding of a family friend. I told my parents I'd go for the ceremony but not the reception, because I couldn't take being around the church "family" for that long. After the ceremony, I was confronted in the parking lot by another elder and his son who tried to get me to agree to talk to the pastor about my "future in the church". I told them no, I said I didn't have a future there, and they continued to hound me about rethinking things, saying they could help me and the older man, the elder, even grabbed me by the arm as I was trying to get into my car and he said "Sister, you know what the fate of your soul is if you walk away." I yelled at him to let go of me and I guess a few people heard and came out of the church, including my dad. He and the elder had some words, which I couldn't hear, with the elder and then my apologized to me and said he had no idea they would do something like that to me. I told my dad I wasn't ever going to set foot on the church property again. He didn't say anything except "I got it".
I drove away, and in the next couple of weeks, everything imploded. My dad said he was going to have a meeting with the pastor and the elder who confronted me. He said he expected the elder would be, at least, reprimanded for grabbing me, but it didn't happen. Instead, they focused on the implications of an elder having his actively homosexual daughter living under his roof. He told them it was only temporary and they said he had 2 weeks to get me out. My parents fought quite a bit about it. I had my bag packed and was at the point where I was going to just find a shelter, even a homeless shelter, until I could find a room for rent or some other situation. Then they came to me and said they wanted me to stay. My dad said he'd figure something out. As it turned out, what he figured out was to hide me. I had to park my car at work, and had to go elsewhere if anyone from the church was coming by. It went on for 6 weeks. Then that Sunday morning when they were at church, I was sitting on the front porch. I figured it was safe because everyone would be at service. That same elder came driving up the road and I ran inside and locked the door, but he saw me. That evening my dad was brought before the other elders and he was stripped of his position. They said "temporarily", but from what I gather, they basically implied that he wouldn't have a chance at getting his position back until he ceased associating with me at all.
I still feel so terrible about this. I feel like it's my fault for even agreeing to move back in with them, and then for going to that damn wedding. And after this was all over, I didn't leave their house, which I know I should have. My mom cried and begged me not to go. She said I'd end up back with my girlfriend and she was afraid for me. My dad reluctantly agreed with her, but I could tell that neither of them were happy. They were treated like outcasts at church after my dad lost his position, like they were constantly having to prove themselves. They weren't to be trusted. My older brother is married with 3 kids, with another on the way, so he and his family have been spared the same treatment, but I could tell he wasn't happy with me, my parents were miserable, my mom was crying all the time. So I found a room for rent with a couple who are not part of the church. I was there less than 3 weeks. They put up a nice, normal clean front, but the husband as it turned out was an alcoholic and he was up all hours of the night coming in or going out, knocking things over, then she would come out and yell at him and threaten to throw him out. I couldn't stay there. I spent a couple of nights at my coworker's house and then a mutual friend of my ex's called me to ask me to come for Christmas. She told me my ex would be there, but there were also going to be several of our other old friends there, and I don't know why, but it made me feel relieved. I thought at least I'd be able to relax and not have to think about the church, or my parents and family. Just a nice brunch and dinner with a few of my fellow outcasts.
I honestly had an GREAT time. i hadn't seen some of the friends in a while and it's was really good to see them. It was very relaxed, we laughed, drank, played some games. It was the first time in a long time I had felt at ease. My ex and I talked, not for long, but it was pleasant enough, she never asked me to come back, she only said she was sorry for everything that happened, and she hoped I was doing well. I guess I don't have to say how it ended. We all got back together for New Year's and I was back with my ex less than a week later. I don't know what is wrong with me, why I kept doing it. I knew it was stupid of me, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't take it, can't take it, constantly listening to people tell me they love me, but that I'm wrong for being who I am.
It didn't even take a month after we moved back in together, before things started getting bad again. Nothing physical happened, but she went back to wanting to control everything, questioning my motives, accusing me of not loving her enough. I put a little makeup on, which I don't do everyday, but on occasion, and she asked who I was putting it on for. I told her no one and she called me a liar and walked away. I was almost at the point where I was ready to leave again, and then the shutdown happened and I was furloughed. She is an independent contractor, so she's just been out of work. Our first day home together after the shut down, she sat me down and said she wanted things to be better with us and she said she was making me a promise that she was going to start treating me the way I deserved to be treated. No more yelling, no more accusations and she said she'd never lay a hand on me again. In my head a voice was telling me, she's lying, you know she'll never keep this promise. But I wanted to believe it. I wanted it so badly. My parents always told me I never learned anything the easy way, I was always pushing the boundaries.
This part is so hard...the morning of Easter Sunday, my parents invited me to dinner. I told them no, because my dad wouldn't have allowed my gf into the house, too much risk there, and we had plans to cook dinner at home anyway. In the afternoon, my mom showed up to give me an easter basket. It only had my name on it, and not my girlfriend's. My girlfriend and I had been drinking, and she was pretty near drunk by that point. After my mom left, my girlfriend exploded, about my accepting a gift from my mom, when my mom couldn't even acknowledge my girlfriend's existence, and couldn't even accept her own daughter (me) for who I was. She made it like she was only worried about me, and she told me I had to just let my parents go. I told her I couldn't. I love my parents too much and I'll never give up on them. She stormed off and drank some more, I drank some more. Late that evening, she climbed on top of me, I don't remember much of it, but I know I told her NO, I told her she was hurting me and she hit me and told me to shut up. I remember the smell of liquor so strong it made me nauseous, so I turned my head away and she kept yelling at me to look at her, and hitting me when I didn't. After she was finished she went into the bathroom and I got up and tried to get out but she caught me and she dragged me back down the hall, started kicking me and then she flung me into the wall and I hit the side of my head on a shelf. A few minutes later (or more, I'm guessing) the police and an ambulance crew there and she was gone.
The next morning I couldn't hear out of my left ear at all. The doctor at the hospital said my eardrum was ruptured. As of yesterday it's about 60% back and they said I should get it all back once it's healed, but they said I was lucky. Sometimes the hearing loss is permanent. And I had to go for a rape exam and when a nurse who I'd never met before came and offered me the morning-after pill, I had to explain to her why I didn't need it, because apparently that little bit of information hadn't been passed on to her.
My ex has been arrested and released on bail, and I have a restraining order, but her court date is still on hold, so she's out there free somewhere.
I found another place to live for now, another room rental FAR out of town and it's 100 times better than the first one, but they are gone a lot and it's just lonely. I'm on a waiting list for one of the women's shelters, they said it should be just another 3 weeks to a month. I haven't spoken to my parents, I can't let them know everything that's happened, I feel like I've put them through enough, and I don't want to cause them any more trouble. One of my friends from the Christmas and New Year's parties contacted me to see how I was doing and I hung up the phone on her, because I realized that I don't believe she or those other people were looking out for me. I don't mean to say I blame them, I know it was my choice to show up knowing my ex would be there, but at least 3 of them knew what she had done that had made me leave the last time. They knew how I got the broken leg. I thought, why would they even invite me knowing she would be there? How could they be her friend and claim to be mine as well? I just can't deal with them. My co-worker has called too, but she and her husband are still part of the church, so I've been ignoring her calls. I know I need to get some help, I've tried the hotlines and it makes me feel better for a while, but not for long. I'm so afraid to reach out for help because it seems like everyone in my life has their own agenda. I feel like no one's help is ever free, there's always a price to pay. And so I told myself I could figure this out on my own, but I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm never going to find my way out from under this. I'll be 25 in October and feel like my life is over. Please tell me there's hope because I've run out of it.
