After writing in my online journal, I found myself searching for a website that I could talk to, and identify with others related to my life, how I live my life and how I am going to manage the rest of my life. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 14 years now. I live with, but not married to an intimidating, verbally abusive scary individual.
The interesting thing about me, is that many years ago I worked in the Correctional Services environment... where I was a domestic violence counsellor that ran treatment programs inside and outside for men and women that were charged with assault, killed their partners and more..
This is not the first person that I have been with that has been abusive. Its seems to have been a pattern that has followed me my whole adult life. I am not a stupid women, I seem to have made stupid choices. I am looking forward to connecting with others here and getting some much needed support.
Hi Dangerouss...That is very interesting indeed....but I don't think it's unheard of..I remember reading an article about a woman that was actually killed by her partner and she was a Domestic Abuse worker aswell...Well..you know the in's and out's of perpertrators and I am sure you are a smart woman indeed so you don't need me to say anything about that/them.I'm just wondering why you been with one for so long in this circumstance...Are you attracted to that side of them?..the "badboy" type?Do you think it's a classic case of Stockholm syndrome?When it comes to your man I suppose it would be different because of the emotional link you have and maybe your strength not strong enough where he's concerned?..14 years is along time and you know it doesn't get better unless he does a programme like you teach!Can't you get him that sort of help?Have you tried?Have you ever tried leaving?So many questions but just trying to get a better picture of your situation..And support is always here.
Hi Dangerous, welcome here. I am sorry that you find yourself in an abusive situation and I know you will find support here. Please feel free to post anytime you feel the need to share. I too keep a personal journal of my life..I have several since I was a kid. I believe writing and journaling is very therapeutic. It is a great way to express yourself, to sort through your thoughts and feelings and just a way to unload.
You are by no means stupid and yes, it follows a pattern. I am a Social Worker and have been for over 30 years..I have been in 3 abusive relationships..each one worse than the one before it. It started when I was 20 years old and in college and 30 years later, I am now divorced and away from the last abuser for over 3 years. One of the cruelest things someone said to me was "you are a Social Worker, how did you let this happen?" Really? Like I had any control over this person who I had committed myself to stay with until death do us part. Who I truly believed loved me and this was just part of marriage. I felt a lot of shame, like yes, why didn't I see this? Why didn't I stop him from stealing money from me and putting us $50,000 in debt? It hurts when people say those things. Last thing I needed was to be judged by others.
Please don't blame yourself. 1 in 3 women have experienced some form of Domestic Violence in their lifetime. It is out there and very difficult to avoid and prevent as the jerks are everywhere and they are disguised as "wonderful, charming, available men (or women)". Each time, I truly believed in my heart I was with a decent guy. Until I started to read and learn and I discovered that these "decent guys" were far from decent. I also went through counseling and discovered why I am attracted to a certain "type" of guy. Once I figured some of that out..I changed my thought process and started looking for a different kind of guy.
Relationships are not easy. And we have ideas and thoughts in our heart and head about what we think they should be. I stayed with my now ex-husband for 26 years total (dating and married). I never would have thought I was being abused until I was fed up and decided to leave and the "monster" came alive. For the longest time I believed my marriage was good. It really wasn't, it was me tolerating it and making it work. My ex played a "victim" role and abused me emotionally, financially, and probably sexually (I haven't really explored that yet).
If you can, begin to educate yourself more on Domestic Violence. Have you ever read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It is a great resource for helping us to understand Domestic Violence. I would encourage you to go to your local Domestic Violence Center or Women's Aide Center. I did this and was able to get free counselling, attend a support group and get some legal advice. It didn't cost me anything. It was priceless as far as I am concerned, it helped me to rebuild my life. Talking to a counselor can be really helpful.
This forum has been a Godsend for me. There is a wonderful light at the end of this dark tunnel you find yourself in. You don't have to live this way and stay with your partner. We are victims and we become survivors. Glad you are here Dangerous. Hope we can help.
The others have already given lots of useful tips, and I can only say that I too get it, and I understand why you are with him, and have been for so long. My abusive ex and I didn't date for too long, almost a year only, but for most of my life before him and for some time after leaving, I too would seek out yet again another controlling, manipulating, or verbally (and otherwise) abusive men.
There is always a way out. Your safety comes before everything else. Since we are NOT a licensed and state-supported government DV support forum, I encourage you to reach out to your local or national DV hotline online or via the phone, or your local DV shelters will also always have an open door or phone if you'd like a chat with someone. (you can always choose to remain 100% anonymous)
You have my compassion, this is hard. Stay safe and trust your gut feeling. It has all the answers.
And walk slowly, you don't have to make a decision about leaving or staying today, tomorrow, or next month. As long as you are (physically) safe and your life is not in immediate danger, you can simply start by doing what you did here, reaching out to gather information about what is happening.
Give yourself credit for reaching out, it takes true courage!