Post by TroubledSpouse on Oct 16, 2017 23:46:56 GMT
Before telling you who I am or who is who, I thought I could get more unbiased feedback by keeping out the backstory. Part of my reason for doing it this way is because I'm questioning my own sanity and reality of what part I play in all of this.
This is a text from my spouse:
I'm upset with you. I'm also embarrassed. You storming out of the house, slamming your truck door...all in front of mason....maybe you don't give a damn what he thinks, but I do. Totally humiliated. I'm beyond sick and tired of you dragging on an on and on our arguments into days on in. I'm not saying I want a divorce...but I'm checking out. That means I give up, I will not try. You obviously don't want me talking, looking or breathing in your direction. I guess I'll just be your roommate for the time being who is mute...b/c good forbid I try to make small talk or appoligize. I will not talk, ask you anything or invite you anywhere with us. If you want to hang with the boys and myself feel free to come along or ask. I won't be asking you b/c you rather live in silence. That's fine... we'll just ignore one another...that's totally healthy! I would like to help you with Halloween decorations tonight or whenever you feel up to finishing them...we can work on those in silence as well. I'll be going camping with y'all as well and don't you worry, I won't try and speak or or show any kind of affection there either. I guess we can keep the peace that way if we're both just mute! Sounds awesome!
Hi Troubled, welcome here. I hope I can shed some light on what you have shared. I understand your wanting to have an "unbiased" opinion.
The very fact that you are questioning your "sanity" as you say,says to me.. your gut is telling you something isn't right here. Something in this relationship you possibly have been in for a while has a lot of issues. You are also questioning if you are to blame..did you cause this? Did you cause your spouse to get so worked up that maybe it was justified?
My answer without even knowing anything else is "NO". You didn't cause this. Storming out of the house, slamming a door..yes all displays of anger or hurt, but how he or she responds could have been very different. Your spouse chose to be sarcastic, they chose to accuse you of being horrible in front of another person or child perhaps,
My gut tells me this person is abusing you and probably has before this. I could pick it apart every sentence..and I believe the result will be the same.
1. I'm upset with you. In a normal relationship..not a horrible thing. We do get upset with each other. This starts off like an adult will talk..but then it goes south. Which is confusing..because he/she owns that they are upset and lets you know, but then it turns.
2. Ian also embarrassed..ok..still not horrible, again, acting like an adult a little..but the next statements all become what you did, and accuse you of not caring. Then they are humiliated. He/she is now blaming you for how they feel. What you did is causing them to feel a certain way..it is your fault is what they are saying. Focus here is on them..what you did is causing them to feel a certain way and the only thing here that matters is what they are feeling..not what you are feeling. Obviously, you were upset or angry or hurt and stormed out for a reason. This text isn't about how you feel..only how they feel..(Narcissism)
3. I am beyond sick and tired of you dragging on and on and on our arguments into days on in...This is still all about them. Everything you did is causing them to feel more anger and it doesn't matter what you are feeling..it is only about them. It doesn't matter about your side to the argument..they are tired. This is not good..because it says nothing of how you are feeling. They are annoyed that you continue to have feelings about something..doesn't matter that you are not satisfied..it only matters that they are annoyed and you are the reason for it. This too is Narcissistic behavior..how dare you drag something out..it should end when they say, not you.
4. "I am not saying I want a divorce, but I am checking out"..."That means I give up, I will not try"..well to me it sounds like they are doing everything they can to "try"..to make you do what they want. This is a very confusing statement..like somehow you should care that they are considering a divorce, but not really. They are trying to manipulate you into doing what they want. Something not right here.
5. "You obviously don't want me talking, looking or breathing in your direction, I guess I will just be your roommate for the time being who is mute, because God forbid I try and make small talk or apologize..I won't be asking you to join us because you would rather live in silence, or invite you anywhere"..these statements go from blaming you initially, and now your spouse doesn't even want to try and make up because you are the problem..not him or her. Why should they try(because I am sure that is them wanting to make a great gesture and fix things, but again you are the problem, you won't let them be a good person who is making an attempt to include you or to fix things..These are confusing statements to me. Again..this is all your fault is the sense I get.
6. "I would like to help with ....or whenever you feel up to it..we can work on those in silence as well"..now they are trying to help? This is confusing..this still says you are the problem..but they want to be nice but don't worry because they won't speak or show any affection. Lots of sarcasm here and in the last few sentences.
This person is all over the place with what they are trying to do. I am confused just reading it. First it is your fault for them being embarrassed, humiliated, and upset. So they blame you for how they feel; This person is not someone I believe even knows what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. They don't want to talk about what is going on..how you feel or whatever happened between you. They are very scattered..jumping from one thing to the next. All with the goal of getting what they want, which is you to feel guilty and take the blame for whatever happened.
Something here isn't right. I am not good at analyzing what he/she is saying, all i can say is this is wrong. Your spouse has twisted everything to make it look like it is your fault..afterall they are making you think they are willing to try and make up.. like they are this wonderful person who wants to solve problems like an adult, yet you are preventing that because they are such a good partner and you are not. I hear nothing here about caring what you think and feel. This is all one sided and they are the good spouse and you are the problem. It is very confusing. And they mean it to be that way.
I would suggest that if you are confused and not sure what is going on here that you call a National Domestic Violence Hotline and read this text to them. They have counselors who are available 24/7. They will listen and help you to understand what this person is trying to do to you. You can remain anonymous.
Also, a really good book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is a really good resource for helping to understand what is going on here. It may interpret these texts better than I can.
I suspect your spouse is abusive. I suspect they will try and make up with you, then be really nice and then something will happen and give them a reason to be nasty and abuse you again. There is a lot going on in this text and it is all about them. No where in this whole text is someone who is thinking about how THEY contributed to this whole disagreement, no attempt to talk about it like an adult, and you are the problem not them. A normal adult would be concerned about how you are feeling. There is no concern here that is honest and legitimate for you. NONE.
Them being mute..you won't get that lucky.
Hope to hear your response, because I am curious what you are thinking and feeling.
i didn't know what to make of the text at first but it had a very familiar tone ive heard many many times from the person im still trying to escape from. it is designed to make you look bad in a confused and twisted way
karen has shed some light on it it is all about this person and there is nothing about how you may be feeling or any hint at trying to work out whatever problems you may be having i get the feeling there maybe some victim blaming going on here. yes you stormed out but ask yourself what made you do it.
there must be more going on or you wouldn't be posting on a forum like this you could have just taken the first step in a long and eye opening journey
Hey misterm..I am with you. It had a very familiar tone for me too. I have been told many of those statements before...especially about not letting things drop and going "on and on and on". My ex pulled that line on me so many times. It is a way of deflecting a conversation..they completely avoid talking about the problem by making the issue that the other person won't drop it. Oh how I despised this tactic. SO MANY times have I heard this.
Hope you are doing ok..been thinking of you and praying for a miracle!