Post by Sonshine on Jul 26, 2017 0:27:13 GMT
It's been a few years since I've visited this board. I was on here a lot 2009-2013. I don't know if anyone remembers me from way back then. I got married at age 17, way back in 1990. We seperated several times over the years. My husband and I were separated, but spent weekends together from 9/2012 to 12/2015. I never did get up the courage to file for divorce then. We got back together 12/2015. The first 6 months were great. Then it was only ever little things that happened. But, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, so those little things were very triggering for me. I started having flashbacks so bad that I couldn't function. I was admitted to the mental health unit at our local hospital for a few days this past January. That's the only time as an adult that I've gotten to that place that I needed to be hospitalized. I realized then that for my own mental health I had to get a divorce. I still wanted to make it work. I've been married almost 27 years. But, the way things happened, it just wasn't going to work. He kept accusing me of lying and cheating. Blaming everything on me. Telling me who I could be friends with. He was acting erratically, threatening to go beat up a male coworker of mine, and when I told him he scared me, he told me he was going to get mad and I just had to deal with it. This was all mild compared to the past, but from being on this board before and having those 3 years mostly on my own, what I want and what I'm willing to put up with has changed. I still blame myself though for not being able to make it work. He was actually the one that moved out. I refused to stop being friends with my male coworker and my husband got very nasty over it and moved out, telling me that he was done with me. That was June 17. Ten days later, he messaged me he would go to counseling with me now if I still wanted. I said no and filed the divorce a couple days later on June 30. He got really nasty for a while, fighting in front of the kids, accusing me of having affairs with multiple men and women. I refused to f fight in front of the kids, and my youngest (age 16) told me it made me look guilty. My 17 year old wants nothing to do with his dad because of all the times he has cornered him screaming in his face. After a week or so of the really nasty behavior from him, he then did an about face. At first just calm conversation and seeming acceptance of the divorce. This is about the 8th time, if you count every time one of us packed a bag and left. First time was only one day, and every time got longer. Now, for like the last week, it is every evening conversations over text. Just normal every day conversations. In the beginning, he never text unless he had to. Now, I'm worried he is trying to make more out of it and try to get back together, although he hasn't said that recently. My mood is really low right now. I also have to move, and there is a whole other fiasco going on with that, which has me majorly stressed. I woke up screaming from a nightmare last night. He always threatened to kill himself if I left. I dreamed he went into the river at night and recorded it, set the recording to send to me after he did it. It was only a nightmare. I have no desire to get back together. My marriage is over. But, I am lonely. I'm worried that he will be able to play on my sympathy or my guilt and again pull me back in. Or even if he can't do that, I end up feeling even more down on myself for filing for the divorce and not trying harder. Everyone tells me I have gone above and beyond trying to make it work, but I don't feel that way.