I thought I had learned a lot and would never get sucked in again. I think I got sucked in again. Only saw him twice, after the first time he sent me very expensive flowers along with a mushy card, something about when I kissed him I kissed his soul, blah, blah. I had second thoughts about him after the first time, and the flowers changed my mind, I saw him a second time. It was fine the first day, but the second time he was online with another woman, and told me to put up with it. He said they are just friends, and she is mentally challenged and he doesn't want to tell her that he is seeing someone cause he doesn't think she can take it. Now this weekend he wanted me to spend Saturday and Sunday over there. Tonight he called me from work about 5:00 pm, and said he is cancelling out on tomorrow, so he can take care of things around there, and I can take care of things around here. See you Sunday. OK? He has to go cause he is on 10 minute break. I was so stunned that I said ok. I got off phone and thought about it. I got pissed off and tried to call him back, but it rang and rang and went to voice mail. So I sent him an email instead. I told him I won't be available on Sunday.
Hi Jeannie...good for you sending an e-mail that you are not available. He doesn't sound like a good guy and the very fact that he told you to put up with it??? Really???
My gut says don't walk away...RUN! The fact that he is online with another woman tells me he is "fishing" for whoever will give him the time of day. AND the fact that he won't stop because he doesn't want to hurt this other woman? Really? it is ok to be crappy toward you, but he doesn't want to hurt someone else? I sense this will continue in the future if you continue to see him.
What he is showing you is not going to change..it is how things will be. He is nice, then crappy, then he is in control of when you see each other. My JERK RADAR is going off. Read the book "Jerk Radar". Use the quiz to see if this guy is making many red flags go off. I suspect they are and I also suspect it will get worse if you see him again.
When we start dating someone new, we are hopeful, we are so wanting them to be a good one. And it can cloud how we see things. Your radar and gut reaction is going off. Don't talk yourself out of it.
Of course I saw him again. I just had to go through enough abuse before I said to myself, yes this is abuse... What is wrong with me? Of course I had to sit and wait while he talked to his other girlfriend online. I waited and waited, and waited. I was shaken by the time I had my turn. He was angry because I was not smiling and ok with it. Again he told me this is just the way it is. Said she is his best friend, and he has to talk to her every day. Through out the day he would get snarly with me. Not every minute of the day, but seemed anytime he thought about it, he snarled at me again. I found myself tip-toe-ing around trying not to set-him-off. It didn't matter. I made him angry again and he screamed at me like a banshee. I didn't answer his question, and he flew into a rage. No one ignores him! His ex-wife used to ignore him and no one will ever ignore him again! I was stunned. I stared at him with big scared eyes. He screamed what are you, an owl? He continued to scream at me. Later he screamed at me two more times about the same thing. I told him quietly that we are not compatible. He busted out crying, sobbing, saying I love you. I said No, you don't. I finally calmed the situation down. Got home, and I never have to see him again. That was labor day weekend. He tried to pick an email fight with me. I did respond the first time, I said I cannot handle a temper. All that did was fuel the fire. His second email was really nasty, telling me how everything is my fault, and telling me everything he doesn't like about me. I remembered the Golden Rule of no contact. No contact means zero contact. I did not respond. And I haven't heard from him since.
The other day I was outside splitting wood. I heard a truck pull up on street in front of my house. I was thinking if it is flowers, I'm declining the order. Instead it was my propane delivery. I had to laugh. And, I was relieved. I hate conflict. I like it to disappear.
Hi Jeannie..it sounds to me like you are so smart and so in tune with what this guy is doing. Kudos to you for ignoring his e-mail. He is clearly abusive and clearly trying to control and manipulate you. You ignoring him..such a great move on your part. You deserve so much better than this guy. One thing I always would tell myself is the back and forth texting or e-mail or contacts..are like a tennis match. Him sending you an e-mail is like him hitting the ball into your court. You have two options..take the power away from him and not hit it back. You are then in control. You have decided not to make a move towards him and that again takes the power away from him. You hit it back or respond to his contact..and he now has the power or the upper hand. By not responding..you are in control. Keep that power "on your side of the court". I believe he will try very hard to get it back, by getting you to respond in some way. Try not to give him what he wants..attention. Focus on you and healing you.
It is ok to be suspicious of like a truck on your street. There may be many instances in the future that "trigger" that kind of reaction in you. It is something we become conditioned to do..to be suspicious and on our guard. Being with an abuser..feeds this trigger. It takes time for it to calm and eventually go away.
You sound great Jeannie..focus on taking care of you at this point. You matter! He does not.
No CONTACT is hard at first. It does get easier as time goes on. For me, the more I learned about what was going on, the less likely I was to have any contact. The curiosity I would have has pretty much gone away. I still fight it every now and then..I still have that feeling inside me of wanting to find some satisfaction that the ex jerk has come to some horrible existence, or he is suffering in some way. I know I shouldn't wish any harm on others, but I just want him to suffer. To some how come to moment where he realizes how horrible he is and that he pleads for God's mercy. It won't ever happen, but it is a fantasy that I have..LOL
I strongly believe in karma..I though I would've got mine when I tried taking my ex to court for controlling and coercive behaviour but that fell flat and he got away with his bullying ways again..So,have just been trying to pick myself up and get on with my life..Anyhows,for a few months after our break up he was interfering in all of the relationships I had made or had by poisoning their minds against me(all this came from a guy that always said he'd never cause trouble for me!)and he succeeded!The "sheep"(his friends really not mine)verbally abused me too..tried getting phsycal or just plain ignored me..and that pissed me right off..Now I know two wrongs don't make a right but I had had enough..Him being placed constantly on bail only satisfied me a bit because I knew his life was getting controlled for a while..and he would've been pissed at that but I really wanted to teach him lesson..so I reported him for claiming benefits and working.Turns out he's now under investigation..has had to stop working(shouldn't be doing it anyway)and he's now very paranoid about the consequences..I hit him where it will hurt him the most..If found guilty he will have to pay back every penny(be thousands now)and fraud will go on his record which will hamper any future work he tries to get.In other words I have f***ed him up.Abd I don't regret it.He thought he could damage me mentally..use and abuse me and just riddle off into the sunset with his new gf playing happy families.So,What I'm saying is..they get their comeuppance one way or another..might take weeks..months..years..but what goes around does come around and bites them on the ad's.
Hi Sarah..I love what you did. You are right..they deserve every thing they have coming to them. Glad your ex is in a bit of a spot at this point. you did the right thing reporting him. He was doing wrong and it needed to be corrected.
I think what happens often is once the "victim" becomes a survivor..and basically figures out what has been going on..the light bulb goes on . We kind of get this really angry feeling. Almost like an "inner strength" develops and we really want fight back. I know I did. There wasn't anything either by ex-boyfriend or my ex-husband could do that I wouldn't have flown into some rage and let them have it. I didn't do that..but I believed I could have if the situation presented itself. Instead..I have set limits and basically written them both out of my life. Which is the best revenge that I can see.
Hey Jeannie..sadly you are right. They are slick. BUT they will slip up and they will lose, it is just a matter of when. We just have to be patient and sit back and let "the universe unfold as it should". And believe me..it always does. My ex-husband lives a miserable life. He has no money, he has no car, he is an old man, he lives with a sister who can't stand him and another sister who also right now "completely understands why I left" (finally she sees it as he unleashed his vicious words on her).
KARMA..it happens. All in due time. Yes, I would love to see it. BUT I believe in eternal life (heaven or hell) and if it doesn't happen here on earth, they will face their Maker and then I pray he squirms. That will be justice for me.
Hello again Jeannie and Karen..Yes..I got to that angry stage..wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine so to speak.And yes,he is the type to do the same thing to me but I'm not that stupid haha.What I did will have caused so much upset within his life it will probably last for years..Firstly,he's in a relationship with somebody else with 4 children and knowing him as well as I do now he won't be able to provide for them as he uses his money to buy your love.He's been staying with her a lot and now he hardly got any funds the cracks will definitely show..cos now she got an extra child(meaning him) to take care off and he will take out his frustration on her-That's not my intention but I know him too well..plus she been having problems with him anyway so he's already abusive towards her.And it will get worse because He'll be in debt up to his eyeballs and will be too scared to work-he has epilepsy and was signed off work as his trade is in building work..up scaffolding etc..I feel at peace now.. I have always stuck to the quote that "knowledge is power" and I used it to hit back..I have more knowledge that would worsen this but am saving it should he decide to harass in my business again but for now am happily lething Karma do her work.Have faith in that..like I said it does exist.
Hi Ladies..you are both so right! Sarah..I am not surprised that your ex is having troubles and he is abusing another. It is what they do, it just keeps on happening! They never learn.
Jeannie..I love "purging". I have given away or thrown away or torn to shreds everything my ex-boyfriend ever gave me. It was fun to shred the nightgown he bought me, I have given the jewelry away (it wasn't worth anything) and there are no more pictures, The only thing I kept is the flute he bought me. It was very expensive and I don't attach any feelings of him to it like I have done with other things. I had a flute before I new him, he just bought me a nicer one. BUT purging is a great feeling. I did get rid of the bedspread I bought for him and I. I also got rid of a lot of things my ex-husband gave me. Sold my engagement ring and took a really nice vacation with it. That initially was difficult..but looking back, it was very worth it.
I didn't get rid of everything..kept a few things for sentimental reasons. AND as time goes by, we are always re-evaluating what to keep. I find the further I am emotionally away from the memory..the easier it is to get rid of things attached to those memories. Purging is also very cleansing. When I sold my house..you won't believe the amount of stuff that went out..my ex was a hoarder..it was crazy..but I feel so much lighter and free now that all that stuff is gone!
Way to go Jeannie..I am sure it felt pretty good to get rid of those things!
An update on that....Hi Ladies.. WELL,Karma is definitely doing her thing because today I found out that he got pulled in again for benefit fraud..and he's looking at having to pay back over £10,000!AND he's apparently been reported 3 times!Ha ha...so I'm not the only one that has wanted to see him suffer.. His relationship is also over(I knew that was just a matter of time too!)..But get this..he also wants to speak to me!Told my friends this and said he has wanted to call at my flat but hasn't because he knows I'd get the Police out..Damn right I would!He's not sniffing around me again ever.The cheek!
Sarah...one word for you "YIPPEEEE! You go girl! I love Karma! I am not surprised there is a long list of those who are tired of his abuse. Good..let him want you all he wants..he ain't gonna get any of you! Stay strong my friend!