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Post by andre on Jun 26, 2017 13:23:04 GMT
Hi, I have never posted on a form before so apologies if I do not do things exactly right.
I am very confused, perhaps a little distressed at the moment and just wondered if someone could give me some pointers as to where I could find some information.
My partner (ex?) was arrested last week and is now subject to a DVPO. I had previously be told that a risk assessment had highlighted me as high risk of probable serious abuse. Although I understand the terms the order, i.e. she cannot contact me in any way, must not attend my home etc. for 28 days I do not understand why it has been put in place to protect me.
I feel much more vulnerable now than at anytime, other than at extreme crisises than when she as been with me. I have read the guidelines as to what high risk means, basically I am at risk of serious physical or emotional harm etc.
I have tried to make of this and my emotions shoot off in all directions for example:
What have I done to her due to talking to domestic violence workers honestly for which I feel guilty and responsible for any trauma it is causing her.
Then I swing to writing list of things she has done that have hurt me, mostly psychological hurt, with some threats of violence.
Then I may feel angry with the police and professionals for over reacting even though they are acting with my safety as paramount concern.
I have been given the number of a local organisation that supports male victims but they are very difficult to get hold of. (Managed one brief conversation)
I just need reassurance that these feelings and emotions are normally and that I'm not totally going out of my mind
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Confused
Jun 27, 2017 1:13:17 GMT
via mobile
Post by sarah on Jun 27, 2017 1:13:17 GMT
Hi Andre..You're feelings are completely normal..You can't believe you're in this situation but you are. You're ex got arrested for a reason.The risk assessment was high and yes the Police have a duty of care to protect you from further harm.It is not in your head and it is not your fault.It's hers. I'm sorry you have'nt had much luck with the Male Support..have a check on Internet for any other support but do keep trying with the original one aswell. I'm sorry you're going through this right now but it does get easier..focus on you now and healing from the destructive relationship you was so obviously in. Good luck.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jun 27, 2017 4:12:29 GMT
Hi Andre..welcome here!
You may feel like you are going out of your mind..but please know you are not. Everything you describe is what happens in an ABUSIVE relationship. Domestic Violence is not just being hit. It is emotionally being controlled, manipulated, threatened, ignored, berated, yelled at and many more traumatic things.
All you are feeling and experiencing sadly is "normal" for what you are going through. Yes, the police have a duty to protect you as they have identified a serious risk to your well being. Err on the caution side. Your ex can be very "predictably unpredictable". Meaning..she could do something to hurt you even more..that you don't believe she will do, yet is very predictable for someone who abuses another.
Writing things down is very helpful I think, to keep things straight in your mind. there are so many feelings you are having right now and that all gets mixed in with the details of what is happening or happened and writing it down..makes it easier to keep clear what has happened. I actually did this and that is how I started to see the pattern of abuse and what was really going on. Kept a journal and boy did it help to enlighten me to Domestic Violence.
As far as protecting your ex..if you can..don't. Take care of you..not her. She is in perfect control of her behaviors. PERFECT CONTROL..she knows exactly what she is doing. AND it makes you feel like you are going out of your mind because that thought makes more sense than the idea that she is abusive.
This is a very vulnerable time..and you are right to feel nervous and scared. Your gut instinct is telling you something is not right with this person you have been with, something is very wrong. Please use the DVPO to your advantage right now to protect yourself. You deserve to be safe, you did not cause your girlfriend to do any of this, it is not your fault, and YOU CANNOT CHANGE her to get her to stop.
Right now..please try and stay safe and if you can..stay away from her for a while. Give yourself the time and space you need AWAY from her to allow yourself to sort through all that has happened. This is a very hard time to go through..but there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel you have found yourself in.
Please let us know how we can continue to help you. We can listen, we can give feedback, we will not judge you. Stay safe!
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Post by andre on Jun 27, 2017 13:06:11 GMT
Thank you for your replies. Very helpful and very supportive. I am now meeting two workers from a male support agency tomorrow I hope that will be helpful.
After posting yesterday I started writing a list of events/occasions that had caused me upset distress since I first met her. I soon got very long and there were quite a few that would have caused me concern if someone else had told me they had happened to them.
Despite all that has happened it is hard to be away from her but I am being strong in making sure I do not contact her, "accidentally" bump into her etc. It's hard but I know I need to make sure I don't even just to get me head sorted a bit.
Strangely I feel a little liberated today. I can do what I want when I want. Hope that's a good sign not just selfishness.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jun 29, 2017 2:57:32 GMT
Hey Andre..no you are not being selfish in a way that is considered "bad". Being selfish can be good in that we take care of ourselves. I am not surprised your list of events became long very quickly. There is a pattern there I am sure. There is probably a lot of "good" times in between some of the bad ones. I remember feeling guilty for only focusing on the "negative" in my last relationship. I would tell myself.."but he took you to nice hotels, and great restaurants and he was so romantic, or he sent me 2 dozen roses", how can I be so selfish and only focus on me? BECAUSE he (she) is abusive..he was so "good" to me in order to keep me hooked on him. It wasn't genuine, because he later threw it back at me at how good he was and what he expected in return for his "kindness".
We get addicted to these people. It is like someone who is addicted to cigarettes or alcohol. Our brain literally is addicted and I don't know if you have ever tried to break a habit..or stop smoking or give up alcohol..but it is very difficult. Look at your ex as the cigarettes. Your brain is "hooked" on her. You may find yourself craving her, or being tempted to contact her..just for a small bit of info..just to say hi. I promise you ANY CONTACT you have with her will hurt you in the end. Just like going back and taking one "puff" off of a cigarette..just one little puff and BOOM..you are back under the control of that cigarette. Our brains have know idea if 1 day has passed without a "cigarette" or 1 week or 1 month. AS SOON as that cigarette touches your lips so to speak..your brain gets right back to that cycle of addiction.
Feeling liberated? Remember that feeling..store it in your head and heart..because that feeling is what will keep you away. There may be times where that feeling is pushed away by feeling guilty or shame or longing for the good times, or you just want to hold her or touch her. It is very hard to resist. I can't tell you how many times I would just sit and cry at the thought of my ex. Or I would lay in bed and look over and he wasn't there. BUT..there are also so many more times now that I look over at that side of the bed and I am truly HAPPY that he is not there, I am so happy that I eat what I want, I go where ever I feel like going whenever I want to, I watch what I WANT to watch on TV, I spend money on whatever I WANT. AND that wonderful feeling of knowing that he will NEVER be able to control me again? That feeling is priceless to me and I cherish it.
I have learned to love me now..and is that selfish? In a very good way. And I make sure I love me and don't stop loving me because someone else thinks they should be the only thing I love.
One day at a time Andre...my favorite saying is "Trust Your Journey"...trust this path that you are on. It will lead you to the happy place you want to be.
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