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Post by xmas13 on Jun 15, 2017 23:07:37 GMT
I'm embarrassed to be yet again back !!!! I've tried so very hard not to go back to him, but I did go back !! 9 years of utter hell and today he drove like a maniac, crossing on to the other side of the RD on a back country RD, shouting, shaking like a crazy person all because I said I had to work on Sat 12.30 to 4 pm agreeing to this without consulting him first. Why did I not consult him, because I was terrified of exactly what I knew would happen and here it is played out infont of me. Terrified I ask him to stop this, stop and he just hit the brakes and said "get out you boot". Terrified I got out the car in the middle of nowhere and miles from anywhere, crying yet again for the 200 th time since I made the very very very stupid mistake of texting him on his birthday in April...... I stood there in broad daylight shaking in disbelief at what had just happened !!!! I got my phone out to try and call someone but there was no one I could call as we have been seeing each other in secret. Crying, humiliated by all he said I just stood there, oh my god. I tried to call a taxi and as I couldn't tell them where I was and I was crying I just hung up. He then started calling me and I just kept cutting him off. He then sent me a text saying he was worried and he would call my daughter if I didn't answer, needless to say I did..... he came back and he a barrage of abuse, I'll never change, I'm a boot, a cunt, a worthless mother my business is my world, my son will never come home !!!! On and on and on, to eventually he pulled in to a large car park and wanted to talk. I said nothing crying like a baby and said it's over, I was a complete idiot to think it would work. He trashed through my fiends marriage calling his wife saying we were having an affair, the list goes on. I've blocked him on phone and FB and email, but tonight all he said is haunting me ? Don't get me wrong I said some awful stuff to him but why do I feel guilty, respondsable, he said it was my fault, it's our time together and he had canceld golf to be with me. I'm now feeling bad and guilty and he he right. I have booked a special night for us on Sunday and there were no plans for Sat, but I stupidly thought he would be okay but in my heart I knew he wouldn't be happy but to act like this ? God help me out here of the guilt I feel PLEASE XX SORRY SO LONG A POST Many thanks
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Jun 15, 2017 23:28:21 GMT
Hey Xmas..I am so sorry this is happening to you again. I know you feel guilty, possibly even ashamed for going back. it is really hard to break away and stay away. You have been with him for such a LONG time and the way he has treated you has taken it's toll on your brain ad your emotions. It is not easy.
Please don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. None of what he does to you is your fault. I posted this recently on my social media page..it really helps me!
The OTHER Serenity Prayer
"God, grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly,
The Courage to forgive myself because I am working on doing better,
And the wisdom to know that you (and many others) already love me just the way I am."
You know in your head this guy is not worth your time. You now know he is never going to change, and you know you are strong, and good, and smart, and can leave if you want to.
It will be ok. He is not right. Please remember that EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING he does is for HIM. Even cancelling a golf game to be home with you. He makes it look like he is sacrificing his joy and time for you..he isn't. He does it so he has something to use against you..and he did exactly that.
If you can...walk away. Go forward and never look back. We are here anytime you need us. No one will judge you, no one will say "I told you so". We all have been there and we all keep going forward. I am a work in progress, that is for sure! Hugs to you Xmas!
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Post by xmas13 on Jun 16, 2017 22:19:31 GMT
Hi Karen thank you for your responds. I'm in shock today due to what he did yesterday, the look on his face was horrific, I thought I was going to be sick when I got out the car and the realisation I had no one and I mean no one to call for help really really scared me...... I have only one friend left and he almost made me end that saying she lied about him seeing an other woman when we were together. The thing is Karen I am worried about what he is going to do, he said he will destroy me, he has nothing on me, although he read my private diary,s and I had had a termination which no one else knew knows about !! I feel I want to go to the police, but as there are no visible broken bones I don't know if they will take me seriously. I tried to call the helpline last night but it just rang for ages and I hung up . I now know I can't do this on my own but because I have already been to my local woman's aid and didn't turn up for appointments due to being back in contact with him , I'm embarrassed to contact them again. I also don't know what to do about the guy who does know him but not greatly, my ex friended him on FB once he knew I was dealing with him for my new website. My solicitor friend told him he was only doing this to monitor me so he said what the F.....clk is A i.e. Me thinking about he is a complete arse and de friended him. I told my ex this during the questioning time when we got back, not what he actually said and he said yesterday he was going to make a point of seeing him to put him straight and I'm so worried about this, as he is capable of serious harm to him !!! Do I call him and tell him ? Or do I just leave it ? Sorry for going on I'm just so worried today. Many thanks xx
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
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Post by steve on Jun 17, 2017 19:02:36 GMT
He is trying to intimidate you, to scare you into doing what he wants and blaming yourself for his abuse. Your feelings are 100% normal, but they do NOT reflect reality, they reflect what he's implanting in your brain.
You can not control what he does. You can only control what you do. He wants you to act out of FEAR rather than your own rational assessment of what's going on. The only way he can really destroy your life is if you let him. I know you're embarrassed about contacting Women's Aid, but they know this happens all the time - it's part of the cycle, they've seen it 100 times before and will not be surprised or judgmental about it. Please consider contacting them again - your biggest problem is you're isolated and have no one for a reality check about what you can do and what it all means. I would alert anyone he's made threats abut (especially if he's a solicitor - they'll know what to do!) but my guess is that he will not do anything at all, it's all just to intimidate you. Most abuser threats are just threats - they want you to be scared and do as you're told. Of course, you're the one who knows him best, so if you think it's a real danger, please act accordingly. But again, don't act because you're afraid of what he is going to do. (Though of course it's natural and rational to BE afraid!) Do what is most likely to get you away from him as fast and as safely as possible.
I hope that helps somewhat. So sorry you're in the crapper again, but remember, it's totally normal. I understand the average number of times leaving before totally staying away is 7 attempts. So you're actually not doing so badly!
Hang in there and let us know how it's going!
---- Steve
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Post by xmas13 on Jun 17, 2017 20:37:04 GMT
Hi Steve, thank you for responding. I'm still feeling numb today, somewhat disjointed, if that's the right word. I was working today and I had to switch mode and tonight my head is ready to explode. I've blocked him on FB and my phone and email so he has no way other than calling my office for contact. I will call woman's aid on Monday to see if I can see someone and I will speak to my solicitor friend although I'm worried about envolving other people. He has already ram raided my Solcitor friends life marriage because he thought something was going on between us, so worried and really embarrassed about telling him and the fact I got back to him, my solicitor friends advice at the time along with his wives advice, she is a family solicitor was to block him and move on, ...... I didn't I fell yet again to his facade of love. My staff asked me today if I was okay, they see a change, she said your confidence is shot ..... you've changed ........ how the hell do I stay strong and keep him out my life ? Thank you A
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
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Post by steve on Jun 19, 2017 21:12:26 GMT
Keep in mind that embarrassment is his tool to keep you in line. He is the one who should be ashamed of his behavior, not you. It's true that our society plays into that and gives men excuses while holding their victims responsible, but that's just a reality we have to deal with. The embarrassment of revealing your "mistake" in returning to him will dissipate fairly quickly once you get re-engaged with a person who cares. Holding it inside and telling no one is what saps your confidence, because you're basically telling yourself that you are the "bad one" for going back to him. Remember, almost every DV victim goes back multiple times. Sometimes you have to just re-check to see that he really is still an asshole, and you can see that he is.
Good move blocking him - NO CONTACT is the best approach to get through this quickly. You might also make a plan if anyone says anything like, "Oh, I'm so disappointed in you for going back!" or whatever you think they'll say. For instance, you can say, "Yeah, so am I, that's why I'm looking to get out again!" Sometimes if you have a plan for all the "what if's", it can help you feel less anxious.
Hang in there!
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