Needing to talk but feel guilty

When I left my husband (coercive controlling relationship) I couldn't stop talking about how it was. I'd even tell strangers who stopped to talk while I was walking my new puppy. The daft thing was, some of them (women) ended up thanking me and sharing their own stories. My husband (of 46 years) had taken away my voice for so many years that I had an overwhelming urge (driven by sheer frustration and anger) to get it out of my head. Two years on I'm still talking but very selectively. I don't feel the overwhelming frustration I felt at the beginning (like being accused of a terrible crime and being locked up for life when I knew I was innocent but no body wanted to know) I feel very, very angry though. Especially that he convinced my only living child that I was all bad and he was all good. In spite of her very happy childhood (where he left most things to me) once she reached 15 and took an interest in his (racing) hobby he constantly told her and me "I prefer her to you, she's my blood" or "She grew up and saw you for what you are". If it was just him I'd never give him another thought but it's not just him. My daughter has not spoken to me or seen me for almost three years since I left them both to it. She refuses to answer any emails including the one where I told her granddad was now in a hospice and very ill. And that I cannot forgive him for.

Sadly, what you are going through is very normal during separation, and, as you see, is one reason many people have a hard time getting away. The guilt feelings are normal, but of course, you know that you have done nothing wrong and the guilt feelings are something he has put on you for a reason. Knowing that can really help when it happens, if you can accept the FEELING, but then remind yourself that this is his TRAINING that got you here.

It can also be helpful to remember that HE is not controlling you at all, it is your IMAGE of him that is controlling you now, and you are the one responsible for that image and what it means to you. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't, but with help, you can slowly modify that image of him so that it has less and less power over you. You've already started on that by realizing his REASONS for working so hard to make you feel guilty. Eventually, you can build up a counter-narrative that can talk back to his image, and gradually he'll get quieter and your own voice will get louder. But it takes time. Be patient with yourself, and get any and all help that is available.

Hope that helps a little!

--- Steve

Hi Chakra..I too felt very guilty about talking about my situation after I was kicked out of my ex's house. One thing he had told me over and over was that I was not to talk about our relationship to anyone, that it should stay between us. It made sense at the time, but it conditioned me to not speak of things.

The "floodgates" opened a few months after he and I broke up. AND what a relief it was. I am a talker..I always have been and for someone to tell me not to talk..very difficult for me. My ex-husband tried the same thing..after 20 years of his crap..I wasn't quiet anymore. I felt a lot of shame though when I talked about things..I felt like it was my fault for not stopping what was going on, like somehow it was my fault.

I went to counselling and that was the best thing to help me. I also found myself telling my story to anyone my "gut" felt was comfortable to share with. I had this very strong urge to educate anyone who was listening on Domestic Violence with the hope that by spreading the word, Domestic Violence would stop. I still talk to anyone who doubts what is happening in their relationships. I so want to prevent other's from getting hurt like I did. It shocks me sometimes how many people I come across (mostly women) who are in violent, abusive relationships.

So, my thought is if talking helps you..then talk when you feel like it, and if it doesn't, then don't. You have control over what you say, who you say it to, and why you say it. That is freedom and it is a wonderful thing. Give yourself time..the further you get away from the abuse, the more you may find yourself wanting to talk about things. For me, it was very helpful, once I got past my feelings of guilt and doubt. I was hesitant to talk, because I doubted that what I was saying was even valid.  But this forum really helped me to express myself and sort things through. Talking got easier over time and it was also very therapeutic for me.

Anytime you need to post..feel free. We are hear to listen and help!