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Post by crystal on Apr 23, 2014 20:22:12 GMT
Family stuff going on serious. Feel very upset and alone. Even with my ex abuser I would have had company. A friend offered to come and spend time with me but I said no as she stays out of town. Wish I was dead but then that's no support to anyone else is it?
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 23, 2014 23:02:51 GMT
Hey Dianem,
Thanks for trusting us with your feelings...it is not easy to admit to ourselves and others that we feel overwhelmed. I also hear a lot of hopelessness out of your message- which can be part of the depression symptoms that often follow an abusive relationship with post traumatic stress.
Have you reached out to a professional DV counselor yet? Those can be a huge support and help network. You do not have to be alone on this journey. The time right after leaving can be very tough but it DOES GET BETTER!!!!
This too passes and makes way for other emotions and feelings and hope crawls back from its hiding place.
It sounds like there is more than the ex that is heavy on your soul and mind. If you want to, tell us about it. I am sure others here can relate.
Take a brisk, quick walk, eat something healthy and looots of water. During stressful times the body needs more fluids to stay calm and balanced as it burns water faster.
And no - death is not the way out. I have been there when I saw nothing but a black tunnel around me and I thought I wanted to be dead - but then I pictured my best friend standing at my funeral and it made me realize that even though things seemed so damn dark, hopeless and like nothing would ever be normal or good in my life- i STILL had a lot of reasons to live and push through .....and as hard as it was: BELIEVE things will feel better over time.
There is a lot of help out there with counselors- I can heavily recommend you reaching out to one during this time.
We are here. You are not alone.
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finallyfree
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He's been found guilty....feeling great!!
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Post by finallyfree on Apr 24, 2014 21:04:23 GMT
Hi, I have felt that way too....and still do sometimes, talking helps, keep in touch x
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Post by crystal on May 9, 2014 17:01:43 GMT
Everything feels like hell just now. My MH and destructive behaviour is out of control. I attempted suicide this week and sadly did not achieve it. I have just read stuff online re. sexual abuse which reminded me a bit of what my ex abuser put me through, I am just in bits just now. Its like I have no self control and just don't know what to do. I have totally isolated myself from my psych team and I think they are probably glad after all I have done. I've just been out of control. Its scary because its so long since I have been this low or felt like this. None of my family know I was in hospital because of possible liver damage.
My sister is wanting me to go out with her but she doesn't know about my hospital stay on the IV drip and how drained and unwell I feel and just letting her down like I do everyone in life.
I've been off work this week on holiday, signed off for two days before that as I have broken ribs, and have achieved nothing this week at all. I am so clumsy just now fell down my parents stairs last week and had to get stitches in my head, got them out today. Nurses waiting room full of pensioners, thought i was going to faint after a while but they moved up and let me sit down, then one of them didn't check in so her daughter went off on one when I got called in. Duh they didn't know she was there she was already giving me dirty looks as it was.
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Post by Janine 1984 on May 9, 2014 19:45:32 GMT
Hey Dianem,
Are you receiving currently medical help for your depression? Or do you have a general psychiatrist/therapist you can inform about your suicide attempt this week? Sometimes we do need help and hospitalization (I prefer to call it "pause for the soul to regain strength with lots of well deserved help and support")
You do not have to be in this alone. We are not meant to walk through all midnights in life alone. That is why there are friends, family, doctors, therapists. None of that would be part of the human life if we were meant to stand alone and deal with it alone....only to feel very lonely.
Seek help, maybe get yourself into a longer stay at a hospital or at least local therapist where you have someone to call 24/7. I once called a suicide hotline and it helped so much. It is ok to call, to reach out, it is ok to say: Iam NOT ok. I am in need of help. Please help me.
We cannot be there for others if we ourselves deserve our full love and attention.
What did your therapist or doctor suggest you do this weekend if you feel low? In my country they make people who try to commit suicide stay on suicide watch for 3 days, followed by thorough therapy and if needed medication.
Maybe some underlying condition has not been diagnosed correctly in the past and a change of doctor might help?
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Post by crystal on May 10, 2014 0:06:39 GMT
I told family, Mum and Dad are upset, my sister has been down - I just want to die
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Post by Janine 1984 on May 10, 2014 1:49:12 GMT
I am sure that must have been difficult to talk to them about how you feel and I am very proud of you for being so strong to tell them. Are you in touch with a professional suicide hotline or your counselor? You do not have to die or be alone in this.
When I left my abusive ex and my family situation was unbearable I would drink myself half dead at times. I also thought about ending my life. It seemed as if there were no alternatives- dealing with my crazy parents, my abusive ex or....somehow leave this world.
Now I am So so thankful I did not. I sat with the pain but I also got help. You do not have to decide anything today or tomorrow. Nobody pushes you.
Please call a suicide hotline and talk to a therapist or hospital in your area. You are NOT responsible for how your parents or sister might be feeling right now. Forget about them for now- focus on yourself. That is the person you want to be kind and loving to. You deserve your forgiveness and gentle care.
I realized back then I did NOT want to die. I just wanted to stop hurting. Then I saw an alternative to dying and causing myself therefore the greatest harm. I chose to seek out professional help from a therapist experienced with trauma and PTSD. (post traumatic stress syndrome)
You are not alone. I am here for you. I am listening if you want to share what makes you feel despaired or angry or hopeless.
I care about you and you matter.
Your suicidal thoughts are temporary. I too thought it would never get better and it did...in so many ways life is good now. I never thought this could happen. There are many ways you can get help to get through this phase. You will not feel like this forever.
You do not have to justify why you feel suicidal, I understand. I have been there. It seems like a very lonely and bleak place. I found this back then when I felt low and a friend wanted to help me- this is what she said to me back then:
When did you begin feeling like this? Did something happen that made you start feeling this way? How can I best support you right now? Have you thought about getting help?
You are not alone in this. I’m here for you. You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change. I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help. When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.
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steve
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Post by steve on May 10, 2014 17:45:03 GMT
Hi, Diane!
You have been doing so well for so long - it is OK to have a bad time for a bit. It does not make you worthless or a disappointment, though those feelings are very normal. I used to get suicidal a lot in the past. It's not unusual in this difficult world, especially with what you've been through.
Janine asked some good questions. I am guessing something changed recently to set you into this bad track. Two things are very common causes. First, is there anyone who has been giving you a hard time lately, anyone whose company you've been dreading or who has not been nice? This can definitely include professionals as well as friends or coworkers. It is common that a downward spiral starts when someone treats you in a way that brings back past memories of abuse.
The second question is: have you had any recent medication changes? There are some medications that can cause suicidal feelings when you start or increase dosage of them, and some that can create suicidal feelings when you stop them. If you can share names, I can help figure out which to check up on. I know a lot about this area, so feel free to share if you want to.
There are other possible reasons. But feeling suicidal is usually a reaction to circumstances around you, an attempt to regain control of your feelings. It is not senseless or meaningless or proof of your inadequacy. Hey, you can see both Janine and I have felt that way in the past - do we seem inadequate to you?
I hope that helps a little. I'll check in later and see if you've responded. You are NOT alone!
---- Steve
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Post by crystal on May 10, 2014 20:20:29 GMT
Hi Janine and Steve
Thank you for your replies. Things have been hard lately. A close relative got sent to prison for assault, a co-worked screamed at me at work when I just asked her a question and my psych has been decreasing my Diazepam which has made my mood go down so much. I worry a lot about my nieces now their Mum is away but they seem to be coping better than me. Also another co-worker who is leaving told me she is out of her depth with me and my depression and I haven't even told her much and one day she said in the staff room sometimes you work with people but that's all you have in common really, guess that was meaning me.
I called the out of hours crisis people last night and that helped and have option to do that tonight, but I am so worn out and hungover I just want to sleep. Been in bed all day and haven't even washed which is disgusting but have agreed to see my family tomorrow so see how that goes. Doesn't help I have broken ribs. Everything seems such a mess, but I know I have to pull myself together.
Your replies helped, thank you, they made me feel less alone.
Diane
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Post by Finally free on May 10, 2014 22:48:27 GMT
Hi Diane, I have also felt that way, keep fighting through it, it does get better and the nightmare will pass.....youre not alone x
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janine
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Post by janine on May 12, 2014 1:35:51 GMT
Hey Diane, So glad to read your reply. Way to go for calling the crisis hotline. It might help to go see someone in person too- maybe your counselor if you have one? My counselor has a 24 hour emergency number, which feels safe to carry around. I also know many counselors ask you to sign that you call them right away if you feel the dark thoughts taking over.
We are here and we care. So glad to have you with us!! I know other women are reading your posts and feel the same and by that, you are helping them. We all need to know that we are not alone.
And Steve is right on, as usual. I noticed that I go to dark places when I drink for example. So when I found myself being very low after a night with a lot of wine to bottle up my pain I decided to not drink anymore. I stopped having any alcohol for many months and felt a lot more stable- and now I am able to enjoy a glass or two without going into full hangover mode the next day and crying on the bathroom floor, feeling like I let myself and everyone around me down. The alcohol can also affect how medication works. And often times I find that once the hangover is gone and I treated my body with love for a day or more I feel sooo much better. Have you experienced that feeling before too?
Ill check in tomorrow morning to see how you are doing and how the visit with your family was.
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steve
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Post by steve on May 13, 2014 18:02:01 GMT
Hi, Diane!
Decreasing Diazepam can cause very serious withdrawal reactions, including aggression and suicidality. It is, unfortunately, a very addictive drug, with action similar to alcohol. It may be a bad time to be decreasing it if you've got these other things going on. Why is the psychiatrist doing it at this time? On the other hand, it may be a temporary reaction that will fade as your body adapts to having less diazepam in it. It is definitely worthwhile to get off of diazepam if you can, but most people choose a time when they are feeling stable and have nothing major going on in their lives to make things harder, because the withdrawals are plenty hard by themselves. Has your doctor talked to you about what to expect as he reduces the dosage? Have you looked it up on the internet? I'd suggest you research diazepam withdrawal and see how much of what they describe sounds like what you're experiencing.
How on earth do you have broken ribs? What happened?
I am sorry about your relative (aunt?) being in jail. You are so sensitive and thoughtful to be worried about her kids! But perhaps you should focus on you right now. I hear a lot of self-hating statements from you, and it sounds like it may have started when you were reading about sexual abuse of someone else and it triggered you. Are you getting any therapy to directly address the sexual abuse? Are you in contact with someone who was an abuser or who didn't (or still doesn't) believe you when you said what happened? These can be chronic triggers. Sometimes it's even the mental health staff - they may tell you that you imagined what happened, or that it wasn't so bad, or that you should put it behind you and move on. It can be very unhelpful to hear that kind of invalidation, especially from professionals.
I am hoping that you are with a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery. That's what I think you need most. There is no medication that can fix being traumatized, though they can numb the pain for a while. The real path forward is through facing up to what has happened and how it's affected you, and slowly working to realize that you didn't make any of it happen and are not to blame, and most importantly, you don't have to continue to hate yourself just because a hateful person did something hateful to you in the past.
You are a kind and good person and deserve a happy life. Start telling yourself that, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Meanwhile, demand the kind of help you really need. And don't let them diddle around with your medication without your full, informed consent. You're not a Guniea pig to be experimented on! You are a PERSON, as worthy of respect as any doctor or anybody else you deal with!
Hope that helps a bit. Hang in there - you've gotten through this kind of thing before, and you'll do it again this time. You're tough!
---- Steve
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janine
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Post by janine on May 16, 2014 13:21:33 GMT
Hi Diane,
How are you doing today? I always found Friday's were in general good days.
Let us know how you are doing and we are here for you and care about you!
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Post by crystal on May 18, 2014 20:08:17 GMT
Hi - thank you for all your replies. I have been staying at my parents last week so did not have my laptop. It's my nephew's partner (call her my niece) who is in prison. Her eldest daughter (8) told me last night she hated the Police. The youngest one (almost 4) doesn't understand.
I still feel suicidal. E-mailed psych and he told me to contact my CPN who only works as a CPN one day a week and psych is retiring so he is only there 2 days a week now. I have been speaking to crisis and spoke to the ward nurses twice which helped a bit but just temporary.
I slipped on the floor in my flat and my TV fell on top of me so that's how I have broken ribs. Got signed off by a GP last week but going back to work tomorrow. Still in so much pain not sure how I am going to manage.
I want to go back to my parents and that's not like me, they always say I am too independent - not sure whether to call crisis but just go over the same stuff. Steve you are so right about the withdrawal from Diazepam - I felt very aggressive almost violent and wanted to walk in front of speeding cars - none of that is normal for me.
My life just feels such a mess
Diane
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Post by Finally Free on May 19, 2014 21:48:43 GMT
Hang in there Dianem...it may feel never ending but it will eventually pass
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Post by crystal on May 23, 2014 19:47:18 GMT
Thank you finally free for your reply it really does mean a lot.
I took another overdose on Wednesday evening and just got home today after treatment, got told it could have been fatal. I tried to discharge myself last night and the Consultant was quite blunt if I do do follow through the treatment I may die so I said I would stay if I could get my prescribed meds to stop me going into withdrwal. So they call GP write me up for all the meds and tell me last night they didn't have any of them. Doctor this morning who told me my bloods were okay was not impressed said that does not look good on us. Within five minutes I had one of my prescribed meds after speaking to her.
My psych is seeing me on 12th June and said I am welcolme to see him then or gave me two other doctor names to see - is he trying to get rid of me? I am very ill MH way and need some help so may go to my parents soon as can't cope on my on my own.
Work know and dreading going back on Monday want to run away somewhere
I have to sort myself out somehow
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Post by Finally free on May 24, 2014 22:54:54 GMT
Hello again, im pleased that some things are getting sorted for you. I know that feeling about work, but you know what, no-one knows how you feel except you and I always show compassion to others even when its so easy for other people to critise or not understand...if they cant show compassion sod them!! You're just having a tough time, you are human and you should do whatever will help you to cope right now. Keep going, youre stronger than you think
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janine
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Post by janine on May 27, 2014 16:51:21 GMT
Hey Diane, how was your weekend and start of this week? We are thinking of you and hope you are feeling a bit better and involve support as soon as you feel yourself go to a darker place again.
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Post by crystal on Jun 4, 2014 2:11:35 GMT
Thank you Finally Free and Janine for your support - I am still in the dark space. Ended up in hospital again, but this time I have agreed with the liaison nurse at the hospital I will accept help. I see my CPN tomorrow - not sure how that is going to go as I don't know her that well. Then I see my GP who signed me off from work last week with a bad chest infection to see if I am well enough to go back to work. Dreading going back as I have been doing so many crazy things and had so many absences so could be in trouble here and possibly financially. Been staying with family and came home today and I could feel my mood dropping during the day. I desperately want to make things beter and to get away from all the medication and diagnoses I have been given but I just seem to be going round in circles. I did want to drink tonight but decided that is one thing I can't do as it might just push me over the edge again. My family don't know about my second and third attempts, the first one wasn't really talked about although they have asked me if I am okay and I just say yes and even I can't put into words how things are. Its like a constant emptiness inside. I should be sleeping but its just not happening. I keep thinking of getting on a train and disappearing somewhere as I just want to escape and could maybe start again somewhere. All of this sounds so pathetic really. I hate accepting help as well as I like to be independent especially after all the domestic violence I have been through. My Dad was watching a TV programme on Friday and said I just don't understand why these women stay with men that hit them. He knows a small part of what I went through, the whole story would be too horrific to tell him, but couldn't believe he said that. I just need to get over it. Better go and try and sleep again.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 4, 2014 15:53:32 GMT
Hey Diane,
I am glad you went to involve help when you felt it was too heavy to deal with it alone! That is COURAGE!
Now I wondered if you get weekly (or more) counseling as part of your therapy? Or does the doctor only take care of the medications? I have little experience with clinical depression but what I DO know is the wish to NOT be "all of those post-its".
I call it "post-its" because when I left my abusive Ex I felt everyone, especially my VERY critical and emotionally abusive parents, labeled ME, instead of the abusive Ex. It is a bit like your father's comment. WHY does everyone focus on the woman? They are the VICTIMS. Maybe the media should focus on why does the ABUSER choose to abuse. Although, I also believe the solution lies within the victim, and ultimately, the SURVIVOR of domestic violence.
By "post-it" I mean that I felt as if everyone attached a post-it on me with some definition of "who she is". And it felt awful. I felt like a failure, I did want to die sometimes and disappear. Now I know it was because I STILL carried guilt and shame with me that was misplaced and false. I took on responsibilities that were false. I was NEVER responsible to make my parents feel good about the abuse, I was NEVER supposed to be responsible for the actions of my abusive Ex. Taking all of that on...was .....exhausting. I hated those post-its and I wanted to scream at those "friends" who actually told me sometimes they thought it was MY fault what happened: "You have NO idea about abuse or my current anxiety and depression, Just f....off!!!!" But then I decided the best way was to cut out everyone, without excuse, who did not feel right. Who did not help me heal and understood. Empathy is great, but if someone put their own emotions onto me, like my mother, and suddenly I found myself helping THEM to deal with the pain I had.....I knew something had to change in the family dynamics. My counseling has helped so much and I can say that the depression and anxiety went away for the most part.
May I ask if you had depressive Episodes before the abuse or do you feel it mainly showed up once you left him or even during the relationship?
Please know we CARE about you. Every time I see your name I am very happy to hear an update and see how you are walking along that recovery road. (Although it may not always feel like making progress maybe but you DID reach out and you DID ask for help. Way to go!!!)
As for the medication I am in NO place to even start to comment on them. That is the job of only qualified mental health professionals. Steve mentioned that the change of dose of your one medication could have been one area to look into more closely. Did your doctor talk to you about this too? Can you afford counseling on a weekly or maybe for the first time twice a week basis?
We are so glad you are with us Diane! We are here.
We care about you and you matter!
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