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Post by Confused87 on May 27, 2017 8:25:53 GMT
I've been with my partner for four years he started emotionally abusing me about a year into the relationship.
He puts me down bosses me about and generally controls my life a lot.
I left him last year and he begged cried and did everything to get me back I have him another chance I don't think I realised at the time how emotionally abusive he was.
I gave him another chance and he moved in with me as we never lived together before. He was perfect again at first that lasted about three months.
He then became more emotionally abusive as time went on. He threatens to hit me but has never done it . He's charming in public everyone loves him says what a great guy he is.
A few weeks ago he tried to smash my phone up and was punching the bed where my head was very aggressive.
Last night he kicked off again said I use my phone to much and threw it across the room and stamped on it. Then I was standing up over the other side of the room and he came at me and pushed me over I went flying but luckily the sofa was behind me.
I was shocked he's never touched me before this I know he didn't hit me but next time he might .
He never mentioned it after and then he bought us some food and was like baby this and baby that being nice and pretending it never happpened . My phone was still working by some miracle and he never mentioned what happened and I didn't because I was scared to blow it up again. I'm not a confrontial person I did nothing to provoke what happened.
We do have good times and I feel like he's my best friend and other times but last night I did think what if next time it's a punch he's massive and I'm tiny in size I've got children but luckily they wasn't here last night when it happened .
I don't know what to do he's gone to work now what are the chances he will hit me in future I just don't know and is it worth the risk
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Post by another victim on May 27, 2017 12:08:50 GMT
he will hit you eventually
the more he gets away with the more he will push the limits
thats how these people work
call a DV helpline and ask for advice
protect yourself and your children
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Post by Confused on May 27, 2017 14:06:56 GMT
I know I need to leave but I'm trapped in this situation it's very hard to leave but I am worried for my personal safety and I've never thought like that before.
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
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Post by steve on May 27, 2017 16:31:31 GMT
You are the only one who can decide if the "good times" are worth the danger and the pain you have to pay for them. They come as a package - you don't get one without the other. I personally see the "nice stuff" as part of the abuse. You can see how he is able to simply "turn on" his "nice" behavior for a period of time when he needed to in order to convince you he was OK again. It's something they do on purpose to reel you back in. You might want to read "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft, or my own book, "Jerk Radar," both of which talk about how abusive men use "niceness" to manipulate you into thinking they're OK when they are not.
An important question I ask is this: What would you be giving up if you moved on from him? And what would you be risking? Abusers usually try to arrange it so that you have first a HOPE that if you just act the right way, you'll get more of the "good stuff." So what's the good stuff? And perhaps as important: could you get some of that "good stuff" elsewhere at a much lower cost to you in pain and danger? They also try to arrange a second condition: that you're afraid what will happen if you leave. This doesn't just mean afraid he'll attack you. They also often try to suggest that you'll never find another man, no one will want you, he'll take the kids, he'll leave you financially destitute, and on and on. This combination of hope and fear is the best way to keep an abuse victim coming back.
I also want you to know that feeling ambivalent about leaving/staying is very common, almost universal. So don't feel bad/stupid/confused about your ambivalent feelings. Remember they are NORMAL and are a function of him messing with your head in the ways described above. So be patient with yourself and take the time to look over the pros and cons. Keep posting and reading others' stories and read as much as you can about abusers and how they act. This is a great community that won't judge you and will support you as you start exploring your options.
Hang in there and keep on posting! We'll be here for you.
--- Steve
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Post by Confused on May 29, 2017 11:44:42 GMT
Thankyou Steve the explosive phase wasn't over after Friday night .
On Saturday evening he kicked off again this time I stood up to him and he didn't get physical but he told me what a bad mother I am and that he needs someone better with more money and a better job and I drag him down.
I knew it wasn't over this went on for an hour or so of ranting until he ran out of steam and then he came down with tears in his eyes saying sorry he says horrible things that he doesn't mean.
He said he was leaving me that night but he didn't leave back in the past sometimes he would leave but he never leaves now.
He was so nice after hugging me and saying sorry he doesn't usually say sorry but he still tried to turn it onto me and say you know it's because I've been at work and you haven't been at work my back hurts etc etc .
I'm glad I can write it here so I can't lose it it's like my backup to read back on .
I've also noticed he uses things against me if I confide soemthing to him he pretends he isn't listening or nods along but later on he will bring up soemthing I've told him about someone or something and use it against me for later use.
I've only recently noticed this too.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on May 29, 2017 14:03:03 GMT
Hi Confused. Your partner is an ABUSER and he will never change. PERIOD. He will have moments of kindness, niceness, being loving. It is all fake. It is all for HIM..because the ONLY person that matters to an ABUSER is the ABUSER.
Yes, he will hit you and it will hurt and it will devastate you and confuse you even more. Then he will try and make up for it and that will confuse you even more. This can go on for years and years if you allow it.
I know you are confused and not sure what to do. I suspect you are probably dependent on him financially and for a place to live. You can leave. There is hope and there is a very bright light at the end of this dark tunnel you are in.
Calling a Domestic Violence Hotline or going to your local center..HIGHLY recommended. They will help you to plan for a safe leave. They will help you develop a plan to stay safe.
The safety of you and your children are of utmost importance.
This is not easy Confused..it is possibly the most difficult thing you have had to consider. BUT..ABUSERS kill their partners. It happens everyday. YOU deserve to be safe, happy, and healthy and so do your children.
NONE of this is your fault..NONE> you did not make him abusive, you did nothing to cause him to be this way. It has been a lifetime of him learning that to get what he wants he either charms others or he hurts them. AND IT IS ALL TO CONTROL WHAT IS GOING ON and it will never end until you decide to walk away from him.
I know you feel like he is your best friend. REALLY? Why? What kind of friend threatens you, what kind of friend makes fun of you or calls you names, or puts you down? That isn't what friends do. It is what ABUSERS do.
Confused..I don't mean to be blunt. I am sorry if it comes across that way..but I have been there. I too have never been hit..but I have been afraid that I would have been and I have been threatened. It is all very wrong. I got out...of 3 relationships that all got progressively worse.
It is not easy..but it is worth it to leave. To find your happiness and to live a life of peace and safety. HE is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE..Why? Because even though he says he is "wrong" and he will never do it again? He doesn't believe that what he is doing is wrong. And therefore, there is no reason to change. You are the problem (from his perspective) and what he does to you is what you deserve (according to him)
Anything we can do to help you Confused..we will. The books mentioned are great resources.
Stay safe!
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Post by jeannie812 on Jun 3, 2017 5:34:12 GMT
Hi Confused,
you will never really see things clearly while he has his static in your head. You are seeing it, but your heart is stopping you from really seeing it. Could you take a time-out from him? Would that be easier than thinking of totally leaving him. Is a time-out easier for you? If you could get away for a while you would see things crystal clear. But, not if he can contact you. cause he will keep the static going in your head, while he pulls on your heart strings. It's just something to think about. I hope the best for you, I really do.
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