Post by janine on May 19, 2017 16:39:28 GMT
The last couple of days something that happened when I was in college (my first year) kept bubbling up for some reason.
I was reading a bit about "toxic shame" and "people pleasing", which I believe were some of the main reason why I did not run the other way, when my abusive ex boyfriend exhibited red flags.
I was simply trained from childhood to put the needs of others in front of mine (pleasing others), and to blame myself when someone else felt bad. (toxic shame)
It was this idea of "his needs above mine" and even when he attacked me that last night before I left, I STILL kept thinking about "how can I help him see he needs help?"
That night, I called his father and pleaded with his father "to get his son help".
Me, the victim of his verbal assault and abuse (you cunt, you bitch, you slut etc.) and the emotional abuse (sulking, stonewalling/silent treatment, love-bombing, gaslighting etc.). There I was, just worried about "getting him help". He had punched holes in the walls that night. He had threatened to throw my laptop out of the window. He had then thrown my laptop down the stairs and smashed it right in front of me. He had forced me to let him come into the bathroom with me, and he sat there watching me brush my teeth because he knew I was planning on running away.
But I still felt bad for him, I still wanted to just show him he needed help.
Then...we would be ok.
This is something I have seen so many other people who experienced abuse do. That trying to make sense of it all by believing "If only.....then it will be ok."
It is easier for someone who experiences traumatic abuse to blame herself (I can be difficult at times too. I had too much to drink that night as well. I drink too much in general. He is right, I have issues too.) and to try and use the "fawn trauma response" by pleasing him, instead of seeing the naked reality of our unjust world:
Bad things happen to good people for no reason at all.
Whether this is a one-time rape, or ongoing domestic violence.
You experienced or experience abuse simply because you met an abuser and entered a relationship with him. (or her)
You might have ignored the red flags early on due to childhood trauma in your own past.
But not necessarily. Abusers are cunning and talented manipulators. They can be that prince charming early on, just long enough to get you hooked.
Then they withhold "the good" and you will be working hard to "get the good guy you knew back".
Only the good guy was never real, and you fell in love with an illusion.
The reason why these thoughts came up lately was not just by posts I saw here on our forum, but also because I looked back at my own life.
When I was a college student I went abroad for the summer once to do a summer school program at a university in another country. We were all staying with host families. Mine seemed nice, at least at first. Looking back now, I can see how my own lack of boundaries and my "disease to please" allowed the predator in that family to be one of the first people to manipulate me.
The father in that family presented himself as this fun, easy-going, wine drinking laid back dude. I fell for it, since I never had a real dad, and I liked the attention and the compliments.
Oh be aware of compliments. If only I knew then, what I know now.
But I didn't. This guy ended up spending most nights well past his wife's bedtime talking to me, while drinking a lot of wine. At that time, I was 19 and felt so smart, so funny, so accepted and wanted. Not in a sexual way, in an attention-receiving way. It felt like everything I did not get at home. Eventually, the father - who was in his 40's at that time - started holding my hand when his wife was not in the car with us. He also "invited me" to put my head on his lap when we were alone in the living room after his wife went to bed.
I shudder and shake my head writing this right now. I feel a lot of anger, disgust, but also fear. Shame too. Even though it was not my fault. He was an older man with life experience and in a position of power and authority, I was a young college kid abroad alone for the first time in her life. He knew very well I was vulnerable. Didn't help he was a psychology professor either. Jesus.
It did NOT feel right at that time, and I only did it because I did not want to offend him.
Hah. How many women, each and every day, do just that? We falsely believe we need to please in order to be accepted and liked.
He also started to want to "tug me in at night" and went as far as moving to my country with his one daughter, who was 6 years old at that time, leaving his wife and other young daughter in his home country.
At that time I thought it was a coincidence, and I am sure there was some real professional interest in taking that 6 months research project close to my own university. It was not all about me, but it was scary enough because what father in his right mind, takes on of his kids with him to abroad, leaving his wife and other kid behind?
During that time he often invited me over to drink wine, and he also used me as a free babysitter whenever he had commitments. But...I kept coming back for more. I kept saying "yes". I grieve that. That anger is still there and if I could go back in time, I would love to express that anger instead of internalizing this shame.
He would also use angry outbursts and crying to manipulate me. One time I was back in the country where they lived to visit a college friend of mine. During that time I had agreed to see the former host family for a few days as well. I had paid my own ticket, and I was still in college while also working two jobs to afford this trip. At first everything was ok, but then I changed my plans a bit due to my college friend's work schedule, and I ended up staying 2 or so days longer with him instead of them.
Shit hit the fan big times when I got back.
Now keep in mind I was 20 at that time, a college student, paid my own ticket, and this was not real family.
It was a host family. When I got back the father made me sit down like a beaten dog in the living room, and he got all serious. He started crying (!) and said his own kids had been so upset that I had not been back the day I said, and that i had stayed two extra days with my friend out of town.
Luckily I finally realized something was off, and I told him that under these circumstance I was no longer willing to spend more time with them, and I packed my things immediately. My friend picked me up and we had a blast for the rest of the time.
But that son of a bi.ch host father.
He was probably the first abuser outside of my family I kept making excuses for. I blamed myself, the entire time.
If I had not altered my travel plans, none of that would have happened-- those were my thoughts.
A person with healthy boundaries and healthy assertive skills, would have never let someone get that close in the first place.
But I did not have any boundaries or assertive skills back then. I hope one day I can truly forgive myself for that, and let self-compassion win over self-shaming.
It wasn't my fault.
It was, and always has been HIS shame, not mine.
His fault, not mine.
But by God, abusers are skilled.
You really do end up feeling like you made him act that way, and it was all your fault.
That was then, and now is now.
Thank God for that.
Don't please. Don't internalize their shame.
Good men don't abuse, and good men exist.
I was reading a bit about "toxic shame" and "people pleasing", which I believe were some of the main reason why I did not run the other way, when my abusive ex boyfriend exhibited red flags.
I was simply trained from childhood to put the needs of others in front of mine (pleasing others), and to blame myself when someone else felt bad. (toxic shame)
It was this idea of "his needs above mine" and even when he attacked me that last night before I left, I STILL kept thinking about "how can I help him see he needs help?"
That night, I called his father and pleaded with his father "to get his son help".
Me, the victim of his verbal assault and abuse (you cunt, you bitch, you slut etc.) and the emotional abuse (sulking, stonewalling/silent treatment, love-bombing, gaslighting etc.). There I was, just worried about "getting him help". He had punched holes in the walls that night. He had threatened to throw my laptop out of the window. He had then thrown my laptop down the stairs and smashed it right in front of me. He had forced me to let him come into the bathroom with me, and he sat there watching me brush my teeth because he knew I was planning on running away.
But I still felt bad for him, I still wanted to just show him he needed help.
Then...we would be ok.
This is something I have seen so many other people who experienced abuse do. That trying to make sense of it all by believing "If only.....then it will be ok."
It is easier for someone who experiences traumatic abuse to blame herself (I can be difficult at times too. I had too much to drink that night as well. I drink too much in general. He is right, I have issues too.) and to try and use the "fawn trauma response" by pleasing him, instead of seeing the naked reality of our unjust world:
Bad things happen to good people for no reason at all.
Whether this is a one-time rape, or ongoing domestic violence.
You experienced or experience abuse simply because you met an abuser and entered a relationship with him. (or her)
You might have ignored the red flags early on due to childhood trauma in your own past.
But not necessarily. Abusers are cunning and talented manipulators. They can be that prince charming early on, just long enough to get you hooked.
Then they withhold "the good" and you will be working hard to "get the good guy you knew back".
Only the good guy was never real, and you fell in love with an illusion.
The reason why these thoughts came up lately was not just by posts I saw here on our forum, but also because I looked back at my own life.
When I was a college student I went abroad for the summer once to do a summer school program at a university in another country. We were all staying with host families. Mine seemed nice, at least at first. Looking back now, I can see how my own lack of boundaries and my "disease to please" allowed the predator in that family to be one of the first people to manipulate me.
The father in that family presented himself as this fun, easy-going, wine drinking laid back dude. I fell for it, since I never had a real dad, and I liked the attention and the compliments.
Oh be aware of compliments. If only I knew then, what I know now.
But I didn't. This guy ended up spending most nights well past his wife's bedtime talking to me, while drinking a lot of wine. At that time, I was 19 and felt so smart, so funny, so accepted and wanted. Not in a sexual way, in an attention-receiving way. It felt like everything I did not get at home. Eventually, the father - who was in his 40's at that time - started holding my hand when his wife was not in the car with us. He also "invited me" to put my head on his lap when we were alone in the living room after his wife went to bed.
I shudder and shake my head writing this right now. I feel a lot of anger, disgust, but also fear. Shame too. Even though it was not my fault. He was an older man with life experience and in a position of power and authority, I was a young college kid abroad alone for the first time in her life. He knew very well I was vulnerable. Didn't help he was a psychology professor either. Jesus.
It did NOT feel right at that time, and I only did it because I did not want to offend him.
Hah. How many women, each and every day, do just that? We falsely believe we need to please in order to be accepted and liked.
He also started to want to "tug me in at night" and went as far as moving to my country with his one daughter, who was 6 years old at that time, leaving his wife and other young daughter in his home country.
At that time I thought it was a coincidence, and I am sure there was some real professional interest in taking that 6 months research project close to my own university. It was not all about me, but it was scary enough because what father in his right mind, takes on of his kids with him to abroad, leaving his wife and other kid behind?
During that time he often invited me over to drink wine, and he also used me as a free babysitter whenever he had commitments. But...I kept coming back for more. I kept saying "yes". I grieve that. That anger is still there and if I could go back in time, I would love to express that anger instead of internalizing this shame.
He would also use angry outbursts and crying to manipulate me. One time I was back in the country where they lived to visit a college friend of mine. During that time I had agreed to see the former host family for a few days as well. I had paid my own ticket, and I was still in college while also working two jobs to afford this trip. At first everything was ok, but then I changed my plans a bit due to my college friend's work schedule, and I ended up staying 2 or so days longer with him instead of them.
Shit hit the fan big times when I got back.
Now keep in mind I was 20 at that time, a college student, paid my own ticket, and this was not real family.
It was a host family. When I got back the father made me sit down like a beaten dog in the living room, and he got all serious. He started crying (!) and said his own kids had been so upset that I had not been back the day I said, and that i had stayed two extra days with my friend out of town.
Luckily I finally realized something was off, and I told him that under these circumstance I was no longer willing to spend more time with them, and I packed my things immediately. My friend picked me up and we had a blast for the rest of the time.
But that son of a bi.ch host father.
He was probably the first abuser outside of my family I kept making excuses for. I blamed myself, the entire time.
If I had not altered my travel plans, none of that would have happened-- those were my thoughts.
A person with healthy boundaries and healthy assertive skills, would have never let someone get that close in the first place.
But I did not have any boundaries or assertive skills back then. I hope one day I can truly forgive myself for that, and let self-compassion win over self-shaming.
It wasn't my fault.
It was, and always has been HIS shame, not mine.
His fault, not mine.
But by God, abusers are skilled.
You really do end up feeling like you made him act that way, and it was all your fault.
That was then, and now is now.
Thank God for that.
Don't please. Don't internalize their shame.
Good men don't abuse, and good men exist.
