Post by rachelle on May 13, 2017 16:12:10 GMT
I apologise in advance for the length of this post but I have already cut it as short as I can while still explaining the main issues in order to try get some clarification.
I am really struggling at the moment to deal with a failed relationship and whether or not my ex is emotionally abusive. We met in July 2016 while I was travelling and exchanged numbers. I returned to his city in late September and had 5 weeks with him, during which time we began a relationship. At the time I did not think anything was wrong, but now looking back there were definitely a few warning signs of behaviour that was not acceptable. But I had fallen for him so I excused them.
I had to return to my country after those 5 weeks but we agreed to stay together. The problems all began after I left, but I put them down to differences in personality, that I am very independent and he is very needy. He wanted constant contact and I was trying my best to give him what he wanted but kept failing and then he would get hurt and upset and fight. At the time I was desperately searching for reasons and explanations, anything to help me understand him better. I checked his star sign to see if it would give me any indication as to what his personality might be like, he is a Cancer, and the description seemed to fit so perfectly that I excused much of his behaviour as to just his personality. But we kept having problems and he started to blame me for everything and saying that I had changed him. His phone calls started to become nasty and he sometimes said things deliberately to hurt me, even by his own admission. When I told him that his behaviour was hurtful and that he wasn't being the caring, sensitive gentleman that I had met and fallen for, he told me that I had made him change and become this way.
We had constant problems mostly due to him not feeling like I valued him enough. If I didn't text him first thing when I woke up he would be hurt and angry, if I didn't
send him numerous voice messages, text messages, photos and call him through the day he would accuse me of not caring about him and warn me that he was going to lose his feelings for me without this contact. It didn't matter that I was having problems with my phone not charging and having to leave it charging while I was elsewhere and therefore could not answer his calls, he did not believe me. There were wifi issues and time zone issues and I was working, but none of that mattered as he told me that if I really loved him I would answer his calls at whatever hour of the day.
After a month of constant problems, fights, and make ups, he finally decided after one big fight that he wanted to just take a break until I decided that I need him. I told him that a "break" would only lead to a break up and I didn't want that, but he was determined and told me that I was free to do what I want, be with whoever I want, and that he would do the same. I hung on for about a month during which time the phone calls got increasingly worse and his language became more nasty, spiteful and hurtful. Many times he phoned me drunk and would say such nasty things that I would tell him between my tears that I was going to end the call, and then he would beg me to stay talking longer. He would keep me up at night (there was a 13 hour time difference) and even if I told him how tired and exhausted I was and how much I needed to sleep he would make me stay up longer to talk. Despite us being on a "break" he still contacted me every day and I was trying to beg him to forget his idea of a break and just try resolve our differences.
Finally however the angry phone calls and hurtful comments became too much and I realised I could not stay with him as he was not the person I thought he was. I did not want to permanently end things via phone from a far away country and as I was already booked to go back to his country I decided I needed to tell him in person. I was also still holding on to a stupid hope that we could resolve things. During this time I slept with another guy. Looking back I do think it was a kind of suicide move. I think I knew that I really should not go back to my ex, but if I saw him and he apologised and acted nice again I would. I think I knew this and needed to nail the door shut, which I knew I would do by being with someone else as I would have to tell him about it if he did want to get back together, and I knew he would not accept it even though he had said we were on a break and could both do whatever we liked with whoever we liked.
Well somehow he actually guessed it. And the day before I was due to fly out from my country he phoned me and asked me if I had done something. I told him the truth and he exploded. We were on the phone for about 4 hours, with him shouting at me, calling me all sorts of names, demanding that I give him a full account of exactly what had happened, detail by detail, then at one point he even told me not to even think about showing up in his city and that if he saw me there he'd kill me. In a weird way during this whole call, I actually felt a degree of relief, as I felt the whole saga was finally over and I would not have to make the difficult decision to end things fully with him, as he was going to do that himself. But then at the end he suddenly changed. He started talking softly and almost crying and said he didn't want to lose me and he could forget the whole thing happened but he just did not want to lose me. I was so shocked at the immediate change in his tone and behaviour. I told him I had to go and I would call him back.
When I called him back he was still sweet and gentle, the same as he had been when I first met him. I told him that he had scared me, that he had threatened to kill me and he told me not to be silly, of course he would never do anything to hurt me and that he had meant that figuratively speaking in terms of my emotions, like kill me emotionally.
That night I saw some friends and told them a bit about what had happened, and they all separately begged me not to see him, or if I did to be extremely careful and only see him in a public place. Their concerns made alarm bells scream inside me, as many times when he had been shouting at me on various phone calls a fleeting thought had crossed my mind, asking me if this were taking place in person rather than over the phone, would he hit me? I had always suppressed that thought as being silly and dramatic, but when my friends voiced concerns over my physical safety it really scared me.
I did go back to see him, and met him only in public places, and refused to let him know where I was staying. He refused to believe that we were over, he just totally refused to accept it and was crying and begging me not to and telling me he would forget everything, and then he just flat out refused to listen to me if I tried to say it was over, telling me from now on he only wanted to think about positive things.
I only had a few days there and then I flew to another country for a holiday I had already booked. He was meant to join me there one week later as we had booked back before things had gone so wrong. I tried to ask him not to come but he would not accept that. I suggested he stay somewhere else in his own accommodation but he told me that he had no money. I didn't want to throw him out on the street so I agreed to let him stay with me, and anyway I was in my friend's hostel with lots of people around in case of trouble, and the chance for me to just move to another room if things really did not work.
He came for 3 weeks as booked, during which time we had so many ups and downs. I had clearly told him that he was coming as a friend only, that there was no chance of us getting back together. Despite this, on the second night he came home drunk and tried to get close to me. I was pushing him away and telling him no, and he was begging me even just one kiss or to let him hug me but I kept telling him no. He did get a tiny bit forceful to the point where I was actually concerned I may have to call for someone at the hostel to make him leave me alone. I got up and went to sleep on the couch in the common room but he came and made me go back to the room. I told him I would only go if he stayed on his side of the bed. He did stay away from me but as close to me as possible without touching me, and he was crying a bit so I felt really bad. He did try again a few other nights to be close to me but nothing as bad as that first time.
During those 3 weeks we had countless fights, and often over just really stupid things. I was trying to be really understanding because I knew that he was hurting and was extra sensitive because of it, but I still couldn't prevent the fights. There were a lot of good times as well, and at the end on the very last day at least I felt like we had resolved things to some extent and could at least remain as friends.
Since he left, things deteriorated again. He kept contacting me, at first that was fine and I actually did miss him a lot and so it was nice to hear from him. But then I started to feel really resentful cos he actually owes me a fair amount of money, and also did not pay anything for the room while we were away, and I have been struggling financially and yet he still had made no effort to pay me back the money he owed me even though he had mentioned that he had a lot of work and things were going well for him. He kept saying that he cared for me and missed me, and so finally I thought I would just address the issue with him and tell him that I don't feel like he cares for me as he knows my financial woes and yet has not even tried to pay me a small amount of what he owes me, nor did he offer to help pay the room while he was staying with me. I explained that it's not so much about the money as it shows me that he doesn't really care about me at all.
Well he exploded again and I received a barrage of nasty messages. I tried to apologise and try gently explain what I meant but he would not accept anything. He kept telling me everything was my fault, the whole entire thing, even that I was the one that started things with him cos I went back to his city to see him and pursued him, so everything is my fault.
He said some incredibly hurtful things to me and even when I told him that he was hurting me, he did not care. Then a while later he told me that he was seeing someone else, and sent me screen shots of messages between them to prove it. That was so extremely hurtful, I told him I would never do such a thing if I met someone else I would only tell him gently, and not go into any detail about it so as not to hurt him. Then he told me that I am crazy and of course he would be happy for me if I met someone else and that it's totally normal what he did.
I sent him a sort of goodbye message, telling him that despite it all I still care for him and I wish him well. He has messaged me nearly every day since that (two weeks ago) but I refused to respond at all, especially since in every message he makes a point of mentioning the new girl, even if he just alludes to her by saying something like "well, I won't tell you about mmm, well, you know....." so it tries to appear like he's not talking about her but he mentions the fact that he won't talk about her, so in actual fact he is. Every single message.
Finally yesterday I responded and I told him that I am still hurting but he can't help me, and he tried to call me and then when I didn't answer sent me messages asking me to talk to him and saying that he can help me. I just told him that I really don't understand why he is still talking to me especially now he has a new gf, and that there is nothing he can help me with as in his eyes he has done nothing at all wrong. Then he got angry again and sent me a string of angry messages telling me that he's sick of me, he was trying to be nice but with me hell no, it's not worth trying, and go and live my life and pick myself up.
There are soooo many more things but I know this is already very long and I am sorry for that. I am just going crazy trying to sort things out in my head. I have been reading so many things about emotional abuse and on paper it all seems to match the description, even reading back through what I have written here I think if anyone else told me this story I would tell them that his behaviour is not right...but for some reason I just find it so hard to accept it. I keep doubting. I keep thinking, no this can't be, it can't have happened to me. That somehow it's actually my fault and I really just brushed him up the wrong way and caused him to be like this. He was such a wonderful, gentle, kind and sensitive guy and surely he is not abusive. It must just be me. I have read enough about emotional abuse also to know that many victims have exactly these same reactions, but I just still can't seem to accept it and identify his behaviour as abusive.
I am really lost and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I know that this is so insensitive to say, but I just feel like I wish he really had hit me, as then it would be a clear-cut case and I would have no doubt in my mind that he is abusive, and then I wouldn't feel so unstable myself, I would not feel crazy and that the problem is all in my head and somehow I am misreading his behaviour.
I also desperately want to contact his new gf and just tell her that if she says any warning signs or has any little alarm bells go off that she should run a mile before she gets hurt as bad as I have been. But I know I shouldn't do that. I also think, what if I'm wrong, what if he really is not abusive and I'm just being crazy and then slandering a lovely, perfectly normal guy?
It has already been 5 months since we totally broke up, and 3 months since I last saw him but he still has such a hold over me. I have been battling with this every day and really struggling to find my sanity.
I'm not really sure what to ask of everyone on this forum. I guess I just came here for some support from people who know, and to get things off my chest, and to ask if this really does constitute as abusive behaviour. I am aware that my story is very one-sided of course, and really it lacks many details despite its length. I'm also very scared of falsely labeling it as abuse in case it is not, and thereby diminishing the pain suffered by anyone in a truly abusive relationship. That is why I have hesitated for so long to post in here and ask, but now I just desperately need some kind of answers.
If you've made it through this long story to the end, again I apologise for the length and thank you for reading it.
I am really struggling at the moment to deal with a failed relationship and whether or not my ex is emotionally abusive. We met in July 2016 while I was travelling and exchanged numbers. I returned to his city in late September and had 5 weeks with him, during which time we began a relationship. At the time I did not think anything was wrong, but now looking back there were definitely a few warning signs of behaviour that was not acceptable. But I had fallen for him so I excused them.
I had to return to my country after those 5 weeks but we agreed to stay together. The problems all began after I left, but I put them down to differences in personality, that I am very independent and he is very needy. He wanted constant contact and I was trying my best to give him what he wanted but kept failing and then he would get hurt and upset and fight. At the time I was desperately searching for reasons and explanations, anything to help me understand him better. I checked his star sign to see if it would give me any indication as to what his personality might be like, he is a Cancer, and the description seemed to fit so perfectly that I excused much of his behaviour as to just his personality. But we kept having problems and he started to blame me for everything and saying that I had changed him. His phone calls started to become nasty and he sometimes said things deliberately to hurt me, even by his own admission. When I told him that his behaviour was hurtful and that he wasn't being the caring, sensitive gentleman that I had met and fallen for, he told me that I had made him change and become this way.
We had constant problems mostly due to him not feeling like I valued him enough. If I didn't text him first thing when I woke up he would be hurt and angry, if I didn't
send him numerous voice messages, text messages, photos and call him through the day he would accuse me of not caring about him and warn me that he was going to lose his feelings for me without this contact. It didn't matter that I was having problems with my phone not charging and having to leave it charging while I was elsewhere and therefore could not answer his calls, he did not believe me. There were wifi issues and time zone issues and I was working, but none of that mattered as he told me that if I really loved him I would answer his calls at whatever hour of the day.
After a month of constant problems, fights, and make ups, he finally decided after one big fight that he wanted to just take a break until I decided that I need him. I told him that a "break" would only lead to a break up and I didn't want that, but he was determined and told me that I was free to do what I want, be with whoever I want, and that he would do the same. I hung on for about a month during which time the phone calls got increasingly worse and his language became more nasty, spiteful and hurtful. Many times he phoned me drunk and would say such nasty things that I would tell him between my tears that I was going to end the call, and then he would beg me to stay talking longer. He would keep me up at night (there was a 13 hour time difference) and even if I told him how tired and exhausted I was and how much I needed to sleep he would make me stay up longer to talk. Despite us being on a "break" he still contacted me every day and I was trying to beg him to forget his idea of a break and just try resolve our differences.
Finally however the angry phone calls and hurtful comments became too much and I realised I could not stay with him as he was not the person I thought he was. I did not want to permanently end things via phone from a far away country and as I was already booked to go back to his country I decided I needed to tell him in person. I was also still holding on to a stupid hope that we could resolve things. During this time I slept with another guy. Looking back I do think it was a kind of suicide move. I think I knew that I really should not go back to my ex, but if I saw him and he apologised and acted nice again I would. I think I knew this and needed to nail the door shut, which I knew I would do by being with someone else as I would have to tell him about it if he did want to get back together, and I knew he would not accept it even though he had said we were on a break and could both do whatever we liked with whoever we liked.
Well somehow he actually guessed it. And the day before I was due to fly out from my country he phoned me and asked me if I had done something. I told him the truth and he exploded. We were on the phone for about 4 hours, with him shouting at me, calling me all sorts of names, demanding that I give him a full account of exactly what had happened, detail by detail, then at one point he even told me not to even think about showing up in his city and that if he saw me there he'd kill me. In a weird way during this whole call, I actually felt a degree of relief, as I felt the whole saga was finally over and I would not have to make the difficult decision to end things fully with him, as he was going to do that himself. But then at the end he suddenly changed. He started talking softly and almost crying and said he didn't want to lose me and he could forget the whole thing happened but he just did not want to lose me. I was so shocked at the immediate change in his tone and behaviour. I told him I had to go and I would call him back.
When I called him back he was still sweet and gentle, the same as he had been when I first met him. I told him that he had scared me, that he had threatened to kill me and he told me not to be silly, of course he would never do anything to hurt me and that he had meant that figuratively speaking in terms of my emotions, like kill me emotionally.
That night I saw some friends and told them a bit about what had happened, and they all separately begged me not to see him, or if I did to be extremely careful and only see him in a public place. Their concerns made alarm bells scream inside me, as many times when he had been shouting at me on various phone calls a fleeting thought had crossed my mind, asking me if this were taking place in person rather than over the phone, would he hit me? I had always suppressed that thought as being silly and dramatic, but when my friends voiced concerns over my physical safety it really scared me.
I did go back to see him, and met him only in public places, and refused to let him know where I was staying. He refused to believe that we were over, he just totally refused to accept it and was crying and begging me not to and telling me he would forget everything, and then he just flat out refused to listen to me if I tried to say it was over, telling me from now on he only wanted to think about positive things.
I only had a few days there and then I flew to another country for a holiday I had already booked. He was meant to join me there one week later as we had booked back before things had gone so wrong. I tried to ask him not to come but he would not accept that. I suggested he stay somewhere else in his own accommodation but he told me that he had no money. I didn't want to throw him out on the street so I agreed to let him stay with me, and anyway I was in my friend's hostel with lots of people around in case of trouble, and the chance for me to just move to another room if things really did not work.
He came for 3 weeks as booked, during which time we had so many ups and downs. I had clearly told him that he was coming as a friend only, that there was no chance of us getting back together. Despite this, on the second night he came home drunk and tried to get close to me. I was pushing him away and telling him no, and he was begging me even just one kiss or to let him hug me but I kept telling him no. He did get a tiny bit forceful to the point where I was actually concerned I may have to call for someone at the hostel to make him leave me alone. I got up and went to sleep on the couch in the common room but he came and made me go back to the room. I told him I would only go if he stayed on his side of the bed. He did stay away from me but as close to me as possible without touching me, and he was crying a bit so I felt really bad. He did try again a few other nights to be close to me but nothing as bad as that first time.
During those 3 weeks we had countless fights, and often over just really stupid things. I was trying to be really understanding because I knew that he was hurting and was extra sensitive because of it, but I still couldn't prevent the fights. There were a lot of good times as well, and at the end on the very last day at least I felt like we had resolved things to some extent and could at least remain as friends.
Since he left, things deteriorated again. He kept contacting me, at first that was fine and I actually did miss him a lot and so it was nice to hear from him. But then I started to feel really resentful cos he actually owes me a fair amount of money, and also did not pay anything for the room while we were away, and I have been struggling financially and yet he still had made no effort to pay me back the money he owed me even though he had mentioned that he had a lot of work and things were going well for him. He kept saying that he cared for me and missed me, and so finally I thought I would just address the issue with him and tell him that I don't feel like he cares for me as he knows my financial woes and yet has not even tried to pay me a small amount of what he owes me, nor did he offer to help pay the room while he was staying with me. I explained that it's not so much about the money as it shows me that he doesn't really care about me at all.
Well he exploded again and I received a barrage of nasty messages. I tried to apologise and try gently explain what I meant but he would not accept anything. He kept telling me everything was my fault, the whole entire thing, even that I was the one that started things with him cos I went back to his city to see him and pursued him, so everything is my fault.
He said some incredibly hurtful things to me and even when I told him that he was hurting me, he did not care. Then a while later he told me that he was seeing someone else, and sent me screen shots of messages between them to prove it. That was so extremely hurtful, I told him I would never do such a thing if I met someone else I would only tell him gently, and not go into any detail about it so as not to hurt him. Then he told me that I am crazy and of course he would be happy for me if I met someone else and that it's totally normal what he did.
I sent him a sort of goodbye message, telling him that despite it all I still care for him and I wish him well. He has messaged me nearly every day since that (two weeks ago) but I refused to respond at all, especially since in every message he makes a point of mentioning the new girl, even if he just alludes to her by saying something like "well, I won't tell you about mmm, well, you know....." so it tries to appear like he's not talking about her but he mentions the fact that he won't talk about her, so in actual fact he is. Every single message.
Finally yesterday I responded and I told him that I am still hurting but he can't help me, and he tried to call me and then when I didn't answer sent me messages asking me to talk to him and saying that he can help me. I just told him that I really don't understand why he is still talking to me especially now he has a new gf, and that there is nothing he can help me with as in his eyes he has done nothing at all wrong. Then he got angry again and sent me a string of angry messages telling me that he's sick of me, he was trying to be nice but with me hell no, it's not worth trying, and go and live my life and pick myself up.
There are soooo many more things but I know this is already very long and I am sorry for that. I am just going crazy trying to sort things out in my head. I have been reading so many things about emotional abuse and on paper it all seems to match the description, even reading back through what I have written here I think if anyone else told me this story I would tell them that his behaviour is not right...but for some reason I just find it so hard to accept it. I keep doubting. I keep thinking, no this can't be, it can't have happened to me. That somehow it's actually my fault and I really just brushed him up the wrong way and caused him to be like this. He was such a wonderful, gentle, kind and sensitive guy and surely he is not abusive. It must just be me. I have read enough about emotional abuse also to know that many victims have exactly these same reactions, but I just still can't seem to accept it and identify his behaviour as abusive.
I am really lost and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I know that this is so insensitive to say, but I just feel like I wish he really had hit me, as then it would be a clear-cut case and I would have no doubt in my mind that he is abusive, and then I wouldn't feel so unstable myself, I would not feel crazy and that the problem is all in my head and somehow I am misreading his behaviour.
I also desperately want to contact his new gf and just tell her that if she says any warning signs or has any little alarm bells go off that she should run a mile before she gets hurt as bad as I have been. But I know I shouldn't do that. I also think, what if I'm wrong, what if he really is not abusive and I'm just being crazy and then slandering a lovely, perfectly normal guy?
It has already been 5 months since we totally broke up, and 3 months since I last saw him but he still has such a hold over me. I have been battling with this every day and really struggling to find my sanity.
I'm not really sure what to ask of everyone on this forum. I guess I just came here for some support from people who know, and to get things off my chest, and to ask if this really does constitute as abusive behaviour. I am aware that my story is very one-sided of course, and really it lacks many details despite its length. I'm also very scared of falsely labeling it as abuse in case it is not, and thereby diminishing the pain suffered by anyone in a truly abusive relationship. That is why I have hesitated for so long to post in here and ask, but now I just desperately need some kind of answers.
If you've made it through this long story to the end, again I apologise for the length and thank you for reading it.
