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Post by marina on Apr 30, 2017 20:51:16 GMT
Hello all,
it has been a while since I wrote something, but I kept reading the forum and as usual I found some really amazing insight from Janine and other very brave women in here.
tomorror is the first of May, and 2 years ago I kissed for the first time my abusive ex boyfriend..
it's one year now that I live in a new country, and tomorrow it will be 1 year and 2 months that I do not hear from him, after I went to the police because I thought he would have killed me..
my life is a kind of ok now.. I have a good job, I study Spanish, I play football, I meet my old friends and I made a few more.. but I am surrounded by couples and I am starting to feel a little bit alone. I like to be on my own, I do not need to be with someone, but sometimes I would like to share what happens to me with someone..
but this is not the point.. the problem is that I still think about that crazy guy..
as a few of you might remember I didn't stay with him for a very long time, because things started to go really badly (a black eye after less than 6 months, and various abuse before and after itit) quite soon, but it has been a really intense relationship.
my support in women's aid thought that he would have tried to contact me, but it didn't happened, and I know I should be happy about it, but, as Sometimes I think I would love to hear his voice, I also think that maybe I was the bad one in the relationship, that I was the abuser and the controlling one..
if he was the bad guy, the controlling one, why I didn't try to take me back? Why he resigned from work and disappeared?
Said this.. I think it's now the time for me to start some counselling, because I really need to find a way to go over this, I have to stop thinking about him.. I have even been listening to a recording of an 1/2 hour abusive phone call he made to me after the first time I beated me up really badly and I have carried with me a couple of his stuff through my recent moving in a new place..
do you know what kind of counselling would be better in a situation like mine? I don't have a clue..
any suggestion is really appreciated.. and sorry about my English, there are way too many Italians where I live now!
a big hug to you all amazing women!
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 30, 2017 21:24:35 GMT
marina, good to hear from you! Those anniversary dates can trigger PTSD, so I am not surprised memories/flashbacks etc. might have come up for you around this time of the year. Over time all of this will become less and less powerful, and one year and two months is not a long time at all to digest everything that happened in this abusive relationships. The doubts you mentioned are also very normal. In part, because abusers are very good at manipulating their victims into thinking either she is 100% the problem, or that she at least carries a 50% load of fault in the abuse. If it is one thing I am 100% of, it is that abuse is always, without any exception, 100% the fault of the abuser. He chose to do this, as hard as that thought is. It sounds like you have a lot of thing going for you right now, and you already take such good care of yourself. Way to go!! Depending on your health insurance and other resources, you might start there and see if your insurance covers counseling. If it does not, therapists also take private patients. That is usually more expensive, but even just 3-5 or 5-10 sessions might be helpful to get the right tools to further move along your healing journey. Be kind to yourself. There is no deadline for grief, because grieving cannot be controlled. It is a natural and normal human reaction to trauma. But if the symptoms of the PTSD become too heavy, or if your thoughts cause you pain and suffering, therapy can help you immediately to feel lighter and more integrated again. I am a huge advocate for getting professional mental health counseling. You can start for example by googling warning signs of bad therapy, so that when you go "shopping" for a counselor/therapist you know what to expect, and what not to tolerate. I used this list here: www.goodtherapy.org/blog/warning-signs-of-bad-therapy/And your English is fantastic! You can be very proud of the strong woman you are. And being strong does not mean we cannot ask for help. Being strong also means it is ok to say: "I am not ok right now, and I need help." You got this. It will all be ok. It just takes time and sometimes help to heal from traumatic experiences. xoxoxo |
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steve
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Post by steve on May 2, 2017 5:25:43 GMT
Have you read about "traumatic bonding?" There is a bond that is created when someone abuses someone else but alternates with "nice" behavior. It is VERY common for domestic abuse victims to become traumatically bonded to the abuser, even when he's been awful and violent. We often want to believe that the "nice guy" who was there at the start and sometimes showed up even toward the end is the "real" person, and the abuse is just an aberration, or is your own fault somehow. You KNOW in your mind this is not true, but it's hard to ditch the fantasy that if you somehow did something different, he would not have been abusive.
Of course, he was abusive when you first met him. It is hard to fathom, but the "nice" stuff is really part of the abusive strategy. Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he DO that?" provides a great explanation of how and why this happens. You might also be interested in my own book, Jerk Radar, which talks about how abusers intentionally reel in their victims by acting "nice" at the start of a relationship.
Hang in there, and congratulations for making it through Year One!
--- Steve
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Post by marina on May 4, 2017 20:09:34 GMT
Thanks both,
I read Lundy Bancroft's book, I still take a look at the book sometimes when I am asking myself too many question about him.
I've also read stuff about traumatic bonding as someone mentioned it when I first wrote in this forum, and I think that's exactly my situation..
I didn't read too much else because I didn't feel I was in the right place, maybe now it could be a good moment..
I know there's nothing nice in him.. I came back to him way too many times, even after the police has been involved the first time, and things were just getting worse every time.. but you are right, I thing somewhere in my mind I want to believe that he could be that nice guy for me..
I thought a lot about all of this and I think I have 2 main issues. the first one is that everything terminated really abruptly: I went to the police while he was texting me like crazy and then he disappeared completely. I never tried to contact me after that day, like I thought an abuser would have done, so I keep questioning myself, thinking that maybe I have been to harsh on him going to the police. In addition I really hate when things don't close properly.. without talking, without explanations.. but Maybe this is how an abusive relationship need to be closed.
The second issue I have is that I don't know if I took the right choice back then.. I know what he did to me, but I never actually helped the police, both the times they have been involved.. I could have done a formal statement, I could have shown them all the abusive text, I could have made them listening to his abusive phone calls.. but I didn't because I didn't want him to be in trouble.. so maybe right now he is dating another girl, and he is doing to her the same he did too me. And I'll never know and I feel a little bit guilty..and to be honest also a bit upset because I am pretty sure he has moved on, while I feel I am not making any progress..
Thanks again!
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steve
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Post by steve on May 4, 2017 20:59:05 GMT
Everything you say is very familiar and very normal. Some abusers harass the victim endlessly and won't let go, while others just dump you and act like they've never seen you before, though they may advertise to you how happy they are with their new partner/victim, in order to make you feel like you're missing out. He sounds like the second type. But the one thing you can count on is that neither type will allow any kind of normal closure to the relationship. It's either "you still love me, you just don't know it" or "you're a useless bitch and everything is your fault and I never want to see you again."
It's also 100% normal to try and "be nice" by not pressing charges, because you don't really want him locked up. Unfortunately, for an abuser, not pressing charges means you're OK with what happened and will take him back. It is not a fault in you or anything to feel guilty about, it's just that you are a nice person who had the misfortune of being sucked into an abuser's vortex.
As for him "moving on," the ability of some abusers to dump you like that and act as if nothing has happened is not a sign he has moved on. It's a sign that he is unable to relate intimately to you or anyone else, and rather than figuring out what happened and learning from his errors, he runs from his problems and hopes that the next "perfect woman" will make his life OK. It's an indicator of a person who takes no responsibility for himself at all. I talk about this a couple of places in Jerk Radar - these guys often put their new love "on a pedestal" - they can do nothing wrong and are the perfect girlfriend at first, but all of his prior girlfriends were horrible bitches who ruined his life and thank God you came along to rescue him and be a GOOD girlfriend for once! Naturally, this is a big setup for you, because nobody can be a "perfect girlfriend" forever, and sooner or later, you fall from the pedestal and become a "bitch" and he has to find a new "perfect girlfriend" to replace you.
That's what's going on. He is not "moving on." He is avoiding his issues and blaming them on you and other women who have "failed him." That's how they work. I've seen/heard hundreds of stories just like yours.
So the point is, your feelings are normal, but they aren't necessarily grounded in reality. Abusers are great at messing with your head and making it all seem like it's you who is abusive, you who have failed, you who made things fall apart, you who has to fix it. Don't buy it. He was the way he is before he met you, and he will be the same way with his new victim, until and unless he decides to take a hard look at his own behavior and his own responsibility for his condition in life. You were not "too harsh" nor were you too easy on him. You did what you needed to do to survive, and you've been very strong and courageous. Hang in there - you will get it sorted out in time!
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janine
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Post by janine on May 4, 2017 21:12:33 GMT
Everything Steve said is gold,
and I can only add my two cents as someone who has had the exact same thoughts as you, marina.
Some abusers stonewall/ignore you right away, others become serious stalkers, and then again some might use a mix of both stalking and ignoring.
What you wrote all made perfect sense to me.
You said "I really hate when things don't close properly.. without talking, without explanations.. but Maybe this is how an abusive relationship need to be closed."
I hate not having closure too. And I also believe you are right, an abusive relationship can never end in peaceful closure WITH the abuser. However, after enough time and enough healing, you will find closure within yourself. I promise you that, because it took me well over a year to even think "closure" was possible.
I was angry as hell, I questioned myself, I figured I must be mentally ill or screwed up from my childhood and that I must have played a role in the abuse and was at least partially responsible. I heard what others told me, but....could not shake the feeling that if only others knew me, and REALLY knew me, they would see how sick I was and how my ex really wasn't such a bad guy after all.
The thing about abusers is they do not want you to have closure.
What they want is you either suffer miserably and miss them and they can fool you into thinking they were a great catch you let go of, or....they want control back. They do not act or think or feel like normal people.
That was the hardest thing to accept for me if I am honest.
Bad things happen to good people for no reason at all.
You are a good and normal person, who happened to run into a bad person, namely the abuser.
Abusers never move on, they just continue to abuse. But to the victim it often looks and feels like as if he just continue his life, while you are left to "clean up the mess" and carry that heavy load. By God was I angry back then, marina. I hated my ex for what he did to me, yet I questioned the whole situation, I drank too much wine to forget and numb my feelings. It was one intense up and down rollercoaster.
The problem with abusers is that they WANT that confusion. They want the victim to feel as if it's her fault, at least partially, and they want to drive you crazy. Because once you question yourself and doubt yourself and second-guess yourself...you will falsely believe you need him and he was special and you need help.
You will heal from this.
It takes time and it takes healing and grieving.
Allow yourself to grieve.
This was hard and it is still hard in some moments.
This was sad and unfair and dangerous.
It was not your fault, and it is not your fault.
Never has been, never will be.
oxoxox
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karen
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Post by karen on May 6, 2017 14:01:06 GMT
Hi Marina! Very nice to hear from you! And Kudos to you for "surviving" for over a year! That is truly a wonderful thing and please be kind to yourself as I am sure it has taken a lot of courage and strength to get where you are now!
What Steve and Janine are saying is the honest truth! I read their responses and I agree completely. I also can relate to what you are saying. I have not seen nor heard from my ex-boyfriend in over 2 years. I still think of him often. I still sneak peeks at him on Facebook, I drive in areas that we spent time in and I think of him. I even will go to great lengths at times to AVOID driving in those areas simply because it "triggers" really crazy thoughts and feelings in my head and heart. BUT I KNOW IT IS OK..what I am feeling.
I am in a relationship that is well on it's way to being successful and finding my happiness. Does all that stop me from thinking of the jerk ex? No. WHY? Don't always have a perfect answer, but I do know that I pat myself on the back when I realize that a few days have gone by and I haven't thought about him, or I haven't checked on him on FB. I love my guy I am with. He is great! But that "traumatic bonding" that exists with my exes? It does happen and I know now that is why I still have fleeting thoughts of the jerk. He has completely moved on..yes, he found another victim..he dated a girl he met 4 weeks after he kicked me out of his house. 6 months later they are engaged and married 3 months after that! Another fun fact..he was married the whole time he and I were together...so his divorce was final in March and he married in May. He is classic textbook abuser!
Has he moved on? No. I am sure she is miserable at times with him. I also know she has been in an abusive marriage before. I know my ex probably doesn't hit her, so in her mind he is better than her ex-husband. BUT I KNOW that my ex continues to be abusive. He truly believes he is treating women the right way!
One thing I also know..is the pain and memories of the jerks are less. It does fade over time. Yes, there are days when I look at him on social media and it feels like it all just happened yesterday. That is my brain and how it is still "bonded". And I have learned to just accept that those thoughts and feelings are there, I "let them come" and I "let them go". Because for me....to try and force myself to not have those thoughts? It doesn't work. BUT what I am trying really hard to do?...Is not do anything harmful to myself by ACTING on those thoughts and feelings. I know what they are and I know why they are. I also know how to not respond to them. BECAUSE I know they will pass and I can continue on with my life.
Counselling is a great option to help though. I have been to counseling at my local DV center. There are counselors out there who are "Certified Domestic Violence Counselors". I actually went to a seminar recently where the speaker was certified. I could tell by how she presented the topic we were studying, that she knew her stuff. So with some research on your part..you may find the right person for you. My counselor at the DV center was GREAT! She helped me a few times and here where I live, it was free. If I get caught up in an abusive situation again..I know I can go back there anytime.
As for feeling lonely. That was the hardest part for me. I am someone who likes to be active. So, part of my healing process was to take care of me and I did that by taking control of the social situations I wanted to be in...meaning, I was going to decide who my friends were, what kinds of activities I wanted to do..etc. My exes had manipulated me a lot about that type of stuff. So I was determined to be in control of it.
I honestly found a website in my area where I live where I could join the website, and put in a profile of sorts and list my interests and things I liked to do. It then connects you to "groups" of people who gather to do those activities. It was great because I could do as much or as little of the activities as I wanted. I love to hike, so I went on a few hikes and met a few new people. I like to play Backgammon..so I found a group of people who play Backgammon every week and even though I haven't stayed in touch..I learned an awful lot about how to play that game well! I also love to dance and I love to write. I found 2 other groups that had activities with that.
Turns out...my boyfriend and I met at a dance. It has been great!
All of this I speak of has been healing for me. So whatever you find that works for you..that is what you should do. The point is..is you are in control of your life. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want and with whoever you want and NO ONE can make you do anything else. The thoughts and feelings we have will come and go. And it is ok.
Hugs to you Marina! One day at a time!
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