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Post by cbandy on Apr 17, 2017 17:58:56 GMT
My friend is suffering some horrible domestic violence. He left 3 months ago but still comes round because of the kids. He is still hurting her. She won't go to the police. I know I need to be patient but I worry that it is going to get worse (as it is already). She tells me everything and I have seen the evidence first hand. I am just at a loss of what to do. She has my full confidence and I would never break her trust. He is very smart. Never does anything in front of the kids and the bruises are always where they wont be seen.
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Post by sarah on Apr 17, 2017 23:21:40 GMT
Hi..So sorry your friend is going through this and you for knowing what is going on.The children might not witness anything but by seeing the mother distressed or hearing anything and they are effectively being abused too.
She won't go to the Police because she is scared.Is there a safe place for her to go?A trusted friend or family member?She needs to escape this man to a place of safety for herself and childrens sake.A Domestic Violence helpline can also help her get to a place of safety.Or even if she's not ready to yet they can help her with a safety plan.Bottom line is this situation is not going to get any better,it will get worse.I hope this has helped.Do let us know how you and your friend get on.The sooner the better.
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 18, 2017 11:25:49 GMT
cbandy, welcome here!
It sounds like you do what you can. Besides giving her information about services she can tap into to get help, there is nothing you can do. She has to want to get the help. Like Sarah said I am sure she is scared. It's a tough situation for her, and for you as a friend. You want to help and you see the options out there - and she is trying to survive with the trauma in her body.
I hope she finds the right support she deserves to be safe and to keep her kids safe. And I agree with Sarah that the kids will still absorb the abuse. If mom is being abused, the kids are being abused too. Most people just assume kids don't hear and see, but they hear and see it. All of it. "When dad hits mom" by Lundy Bancroft is a good book that talks about this topic.
Thank you for caring about her. Sometimes all friends and family can do, is to be the safe anchor. To offer to be there when she so chooses the help, and to offer to let her be and do, if she so chooses to. Part of coming out of abuse is to re-learn to think and act independently, because abusers often take over control of their victim's life.
For many victims it can then be really re-traumatizing if (well-meaning) others suddenly tell her what to do. She may wonder why she left her partner if all she has to deal with - again - is pressure from the outside.
There is also the possibility she is threatened by him and we do not know what he said. He could have threatened to kill the kids, or her, or all three.
The one thing I would reiterate to her is that DV hotline can be such a lifeline. She can remain anonymous. They are trained for situations like this, and talk to hundreds of women each month in the exact same situation as hers.
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Post by cbandy on Apr 19, 2017 6:16:41 GMT
Thank you for the responses. Things took a turn yesterday and she went to the doctors. (more for her mental health than anything physical). Although she wouldn't tell them about the abuse she has taken a massive step and spoke about other issues. She has been referred to counselling and will open up to them as its confidential. Ironically its him whose looking after her at the minute because she cant risk him taking the kids. But I see a massive change in her and when she is well she says things are changing 100%. I really believe her now and I think its all going to be ok. I am keeping a very close eye on the situation. I also think he now realises the gravity of the situation and won't hurt her now for at least.
Thank you both again for your kind words.
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Post by sarah on Apr 19, 2017 23:07:30 GMT
He's done it once,he will do it again.It's all part of the cyle of abuse..He will be the caring,attentive man again until he's got another reason(in his head)to flip.
I'm glad your friend went to the Doctors and getting counselling..hopefully over time she will get stronger mentally and see what is happening and be ready to get herself and the children out of this situation.And it's good she has a good friend in you keeping an eye out for her.
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Post by cbandy on Apr 21, 2017 6:14:40 GMT
Things are looking up. She's set herself a date when she's better to completely end this. I've never seen her so positive.  |
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 21, 2017 13:25:00 GMT
That's good to hear! And she may or may not do the "two steps forward, one step back".
it is very very normal and common for people in abusive relationships to need a few attempts (research suggests on average seven times) to leave the abuser. It took me 2-3 attempts.
If she goes back, and suddenly does a 180 degree change and starts talking about "How perfect he is", just know it is part of the abuse.
Abusers know when the starts to see through the game. They know how to push all the right buttons to get her to stay, and give him "just one more chance". They are very skillful manipulators, plus she is probably - like most DV victims- experiencing traumatic bonding and PTSD. Those are very powerful mental health issues that can keep a person entangled in the abusive web.
My hopes are she is leaving sooner than later of course. Leaving an abuser can be very dangerous, and if you have the chance, continue to gently remind her that DV hotlines are available 24/7, she can speak to a licensed mental health professional anonymously, and they can help her create a safety plan. Just in case.
You are being a good friend for her.
Thank you!
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Post by cbandy on Apr 22, 2017 5:38:00 GMT
The biggest difficulty for me is knowing what I know and not being able to do anything. Some may question why, but she has given me her full confidence and I cannot break that ever. Sure, I want to go and have a quiet word with him, but I can't. The things I've been told and the things I have seen would make your hair stand on end. and yet, I need to watch it go on. But I can't break her confidence and that is the most difficult thing for me.
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