No Guilt

That's a tough one.
To be honest, this may have been the single hardest factor in leaving my ex years ago. The anger I felt about knowing he just moved on to his next victim, the disbelief.....the rage.....the sadness.....the disgust....There were lots of feelings.

I guess this is also why the Lunday Bancroft called his book "Why does he do that?"
There must have been so many women (and men) coming to his practice asking the same question.

My own therapist once asked me about my world view. And she added that "we do not live in a just world. Good things happen to bad people for no reason, and bad things happen to good people for no reason."

It is hard to understand that there are "bad" people out there who don't always look like Hitler or Mussolini. There are bad narcissistic and/or sociopathic/psychopathic people walking freely among us.

Now ...regarding your question on how to cope with this.

It is ok and very very very normal that you feel upset about this. The time that passed since then does not matter. Grief cannot be controlled, and it is ok to grieve. I do recommend finding a good therapist (you can google warning signs of bad therapy) and see if it feels more comfortable to have professional support.

Experiencing DV is a good enough reason to seek support. DV or any toxic relationship really, is a very very good reason to need support in working through the experiences and feelings.

This isn't fair and it isn't just. It is not your fault.

If a therapist/counselor does not feel comfortable right now, maybe start with what is called "Bibliotherapy", which is just a fancy academic word for "reading books that further assist us on our healing journey".

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
Jerk Radar by Steve McCrea
Invisible Heroes by Belleruth Naparstek

are some good ones to start with. Now, what works for me may not feel right for you. Give yourself permission to try out a few things and see which ones feel good.

Grieving and any other feelings you might experience right now, are normal human reactions to trauma. You are not broken and you are not bad or lazy for "not healing faster and letting it go already!" I still - 8 years later - sometimes have tiny tiny moments when it bubbles up and I usually find myself in a toxic shame attack for a very short time. My inner tape then goes like this "Why wasn't I smarter than that? Why did I choose a partner like that? Oh...what COULD have been had I never met him."

And...it's ok. I have compassion for myself. That wasn't always the case.

The book "Self compassion" by Kristin Neff and the free talks and meditations on Tara Brach's homepage are other tools I really found helpful as well, and still enjoy.

Abusers are cunning and often very good at manipulating. Imagine how psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists etc can fool even experienced therapists or law enforcement agents. If trained people who have studied this for years and years cannot always detect it for what it is right away...how could an average citizen do it?

What really helped me was that the girl my ex dated before me reached out to me through a shared friend. Talking to her on the phone was so so healing. She is a wonderful woman, intelligent, kind, compassionate, beautiful inside and out. If she was fooled by him, no wonder I was too.

Be extra kind to yourself in moments when it bubbles back up. Get a deep tissue massage if that feels right from a licensed massage therapist. (I prefer females in this case) Get a pedicure or manicure if you enjoy those. Treat yourself to a nice long bubble bath with a new organic oil (lavender is a winner!!) Drink lots of water and try to take a daily walk in nature. I know those sound like the stereotypical "quick fix BS". But my approach is that even if my daily walk lifts my spirits only 5%, that is still 5% better than it was before. And even if my bath makes me feel better by 4%, still..worth it.

Or...sometimes nothing makes me feel better. And then the anger sometimes turns into rage and I punch a pillow when I am home alone. I am not sure if my therapist would say that is the best method, but...it works for me. I am alone, I am not hurting anyone, and usually after the punching I feel exhausted and can access the tears and deep sobs of releasing grief.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. And in my point of view two years aren't that long at all.
I used to get really strong "anniversary" trauma trigger around the day in March when my ex attacked me and I called the police on him.
That went on for probably 3-4 years. Like clockwork. Now I could not care less that it is March, and in fact I just realized that this year, again, that "anniversary date" came and went and I did not think about it once.

So...try to be kind and compassionate to yourself. You deserve it.
This was hard, and it was never your fault.

It is not fair that you are stuck with the healing "work", because it can feel like hard work sometimes.
Not fair at all.

Sometimes it helps me to think of myself having an "inner little girl". My childhood self. What would I tell a little girl that was just bullied on the playground? I would ask her if she would like a hug. I would let her share her fears and grief and anger and helplessness and hopelessness. I would tell her that she will be ok, and that I am always right beside her if she needs me to listen and validate her feelings. I would tell her "You know what honey? He is an asshole and he should rot in hell!" Ok...maybe i wouldnt use this kind of language with a little child...but...sometimes it feels good to have someone be on your side 100%. Sometimes we may not want them to talk about our ex as "an asshole" because that can simplify it too much. We may still have ambivalent feelings about the ex.

And even if we agree, yes, he is an asshole and I am way better of without him...it may still take time and grief and healing to move on from feeling anger that he will never receive justice and fair punishment.

If you are asking me...and it is easy for me to say that now after being away from all of that for years.....the greatest punishment in life for abusive people is that they will live their entire lives with themselves. Eventually a lot of them do get into trouble with authorities. And they will never ever experience how a healthy and free and loving REAL-ationship feels like.

I would not want to change places with my ex. Ever. He is a weak worm who thought it was ok to attack a woman half his size and weight while he was alone with her. What a coward. That is not a real man. It's a worm. A sad example of a bully who needed to use others, and still uses others. They never change.

When I die, I would like to think that I tried my best to be a good enough human. That my presence on earth was meaningful and I tried to make amends when I made mistakes, and treated people the best possible way. I don't always do that, and I am not perfect and I make mistakes. But I try and have the intention to not abuse anyone in my life.

My ex will abuse his way through woman after woman after woman. Leaving a trail of traumatized (strong and awesome!!) women, who walk away finding better partners and spitting him out like he was a nasty kidney stone.

Just the other day I talked to a boyfriend I had in high school. We only dated for maybe 10 weeks or so. Good ole high school stuff. I felt shame and was worried I hadn't been mature when we dated. Him and I both are now in loving and committed long-term relationships. He reached out via Facebook and said that he always thought of me as his first real love, and that he thought I had been a really nice partner.

I sobbed reading his message. That is how I would like to be remembered. A good enough person.
Not perfect, but enough.

My abusive ex will never have that. The girl before me, and the girl he dated right after me both contacted me and said they were scared of him and thought he was a sociopath. He stalked both. He stalked me. But even if a man is "less" abusive than that, they still leave nothing but anger and disgust or fear behind. Such a loser.

That....is karma.

It will feel lighter over time.
Sometimes healing is two steps onward, and then one back.
But you are still on your way.