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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 7, 2017 20:10:07 GMT
I and my ex are 50 years old and have been in a long term relationship for 3 1/2 years. We were soul mates and perfect and so in love but gradually he became abusive and finally even sought some help for a time when I moved out. I moved back in and we were engaged on our 2 year anniversary. Everything was wonderful and then it started again. We went to a church class and he even started to go to some anger management classes when I again moved out and broke the engagement. However, he felt that his real problem was alcohol and quit drinking and been sober about 8 months. But, he quit AA and is not going thru the recovery process. Then he no longer wanted to go for help regarding the verbal abuse either. It is hard for me now looking back to know if he really is a narcissist and wants to be abusive or the man that I have seen so broken over his failures and hurt he put me thru over and over again. But, without real help we never were able to get to the bottom of it. He kissed me and promised me at his family's on Christmas Eve, our 4th Christmas together that he loved me and was going to be fixed and that we would grow old together. Then 3 days later he broke off cold and any little contact by phone was not great. I did see him twice and we were able to be civil and I can see he is feeling but I am not sure what?  I have been no contact for a little over a week. But he put that he is in a relationship with someone since Jan 7th on Facebook earlier this week. They live 2 hours apart and I know he literally met her online and went to see her about a week after our break up. Do you see this as a rebound? Is there any chance that with all of this that we could reconcile and if so what steps should be involved. I feel he is just fearing the internal work that he would have to go through and at this age. He sent me a poem right before he left saying he knew he had crushed, bruised and kicked my soul and that I deserve more than apologies but to have him shield the darkness away from me into the light. His marriage before me was with a woman for 18 years that I am good friends with her mother. She was extremely abusive to him and don’t know now if they were abusive to each other or what? Her mother and he both said that she was nuts and even hit him over the head with a ball bat and stabbed him with a fork. I don’t know how much was learned and he is still suffering or what. I am nothing like her and everyone says I am like an angel that was sent to him however, over time the verbal abuse got bad and now many have chose to side with him. I am just so clueless as to what is really happening here and miss him so much but also don’t know if I should. And why would he suddenly break it off cold, say he wants no help and go to another woman just a few days later? He was not having a affair this I know. He got online and found her immediately and went to her house that weekend. She lives 2 hours from him and it all just seems crazy?!!!!! Just last night I discovered pictures of them together from over the weekend and they both look so happy and in love!! I don't see how all of this could happen in just a matter of days and I am just sick. If you are not his friend it shows nothing about her but it still has all of my pictures up still. I really thought I had found my forever person and we would get this figured out. I know he wanted to because he is the one that sought help in the first place but dropped the ball each time it came to the accountability stage. I am so sick and hurt and honestly do not believe he is a total N I really believe he is just seriously immature and was so injured when his mom took off with another man when he was 17 and he was left with what he considered a weak father for crying and hurting. I think he just deny's looking at his own inner hurts and projects them onto others. He has only had his ex of 18 years and me for any serious adult relationships but they were abusive to each other and I was just hurt and wanted him to get help during our years together. |
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 7, 2017 21:33:02 GMT
I am sorry to have to say this, but your confusion is answer enough - he is messing around with your head, and is obviously not serious about changing. Lots of people go through rehab, some take it seriously, and some don't, but almost every person who recovers realizes that something sent him/her to the place of "needing" the drugs, and he appears to have avoided that step completely. Such people just substitute one addiction for another, including sometimes addiction to a relationship or to changing relationships every time things get hard.
I know it's hard to admit, but the likelihood is that your "soul mate" was at least to a large degree a fictionalized version of who he really is. The abusive person was not caused by the alcohol, it's more like the alcohol was part of the picture of an abusive person who takes little to no responsibility for himself and his actions. It is very tempting to believe otherwise, but look at the evidence. He's had several opportunities to work on making changes, he's made big promises, but the results are almost zero.
Wish I had better news. I know this kind of realization is devastating, and we'd all like to believe that the "soul mate" was for real and that we can recapture that special feeling once again. Unfortunately, it is by creating the impression of "soul mates" that abusers manage to make us put up with the crappy stuff in the hopes of regaining the "good life." It doesn't sound like it's every going to happen in this situation.
Take your time digesting this, and feel free to post more about how you're feeling. It is a VERY tough time for you and you deserve all the support you can get!!!
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 8, 2017 12:57:41 GMT
Thank you so very much for your viewpoint and I do feel you are right especially now...I am sick and devestated and feel I was nothing!!! This has made me sick and as of last night has gotten so much worse and am sick.A buddy of my ex of only 5 weeks called me late last night…when I was actually back from a support group and felt I could sleep. He said that he had dinner with my ex Monday night. I had gotten my oil changed a few weeks ago by his buddy and one of the guys was very rude and disrespectful but the other guys stuck up for me and I pretty much told him it is none of his business.When his buddy told him he said my ex actually cried saying he had loved me and still would be with me if I had showed up at his son’s going away party (remember he had broke off cold and mean 2 days previous so I didn’t want to go and be sad) and we didn’t “fight” so much. He said that he went through so many hoops to get help for me (never more than a few visits to each) and that I wouldn’t stop hounding him about getting help and healing me. Instead I should have seen all he was doing to change and say he is sorry. Then he told me that my ex and his new gal are getting along wonderfully. She is a good Christian woman and they feed the horses and play checkers and they enjoy being non drinkers together. I drank myself but I didn’t make it a thing and whether sober or had a couple drinks I stay pretty much balanced in my moods and often didn’t drink around him. In fact, I rarely do anymore. Then the clincher which dropped like a ton of bricks. My ex is selling both of his houses and moving 2 hours away to live on her ranch as soon as possible. His buddy said they get along great and he is in love with her. I reminded him they have only been together a month and we were the exact same way. She is already “helping” him come to terms with his “demons”. He was supposedly brutally honest with her…but I am sure not completely and not without somehow blaming me in some way as being unstable with no family or something.He is already reading relationship books and now supposedly creating healthy boundaries to make their relationship a success and live happy ever after. I am obviously dumbfounded and bawled and bawled and only slept about 3 hours!! He is talking about how great they are etc and I told his buddy, think back wasn’t he the same with me??? Weren’t we falling hard and he was all into me just 3 1/2 years ago? He said yes but they have been together for a bit now and they are doing great. I reminded him they have only been together a month and seen each other a total of 10 days since she lives so far way!!! That it was only 2 months till my ex had one of his rages. Maybe being sober it will take longer and not be as full of a rage but he has not dealt with his recovery for drinking nor the issues that made him become alcoholic in the first place he has just chosen a different partner because he wants to believe it is the woman’s fault rather than something internal with him!!! When I heard that is already reading and doing things to keep from doing to her what he did to me it just made me sick…I told his buddy all that he is doing for her right now should have been work he did with me in order to heal the scars that I have from it all, actually lived through, and never deserve but deserve the healing and change to come to my life. The poor woman he literally found another willing partner that is there to help him understand the inner workings of the human spirit and see his vulnerabilities and sad heart and want to save him!!! I am just sick he just leaves me with all these broken pieces and I am practically dying yet he goes and gives her all the best of him!!!! And I am going crazy wondering if the same would happen. I would like to ask him if he felt this new gal of one month would have been hurt and distant if he had done to her what he did to me…but in his mind he just doesn’t go there he keeps thinking it will never happen again so he doesn’t even have to consider that perspective. Can he go into a relationship sober but not healed or going thru the steps and make a great life with a woman…completely forget and deny what he put me through and not be abusive and find the right tools he should have for me but instead use them to make a happy well adjusted life with her??? He cannot have a conscience!! In literally one month he is planning to spend the rest of his life with her only a month after all the sickening stuff he did to me? It is as if I was nothing and am completely wiped out from it all and the quickness of what he is doing, I know it is dangerous what he is thinking and want to reach out to her to just let her know a couple facts regarding abuse, especially the aftermath but not details about him but leave the door open if she ever has questions at least. His buddy didn’t seem to get my reasoning and I told him why don’t you give your buddy some advice because he is just going down the same road again and thinks changing the woman is going to fix him but he really doesn’t get it. But, I feel like reaching out to his aunt or someone that might be watchful and give him some advice but then I risk looking like the crazy one. I just never want to know that he is willing to put another woman in harms way the way he did me and left me with all the damage!!! I am just absolutely sick!!! |
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 8, 2017 15:35:51 GMT
Steve's advice is right on target, as always. I can only second what he said.
It is not your fault, you did not make him abusive, and you cannot 'heal/cure' his abusiveness.
The sad thing about dating an abuser is that they often present a false persona when we first meet them.
A lot of them go above and beyond to present themselves as this perfect soulmate.
And once you are hooked, they withhold what you THINK you need, and slowly slowly slowly, you start to chase that 'man he used to be when we first met.'
You think again and again "IF ONLY.....then...." (I show him more how much I love him....lose weight.....am more patient and help him....help him get the right help....trust him and show him I trust him...prove my love to him....IF ONLY..)
It is a fantasy relationship you are missing and hoping for.
The man you want has never been there, and he never will be.
What you see is what you get. That is the reality of who he chooses to be.
In a healthy relationship nothing what you described above would be an issue.
Because healthy relationships are safe, nurturing, and make you feel respected and loved without you having to suffer.
Suffering is not love.
Traumatic bonding is not love. (but a lot of women describe the intense 'craving' and bonding with the abuser as 'love' and I have a theory about that. There is a lack of words, meaning that victims of abuse use the word 'love' because they do not see the trauma for what it is just yet. They mistake the adrenaline the body is producing as a sign of 'loving him' when in reality the adrenaline is present because your body wants to go into 'flight or fight' mode.
He is never going to change.
But you can change.
You don't have to live like this.
It is not your fault.
Reach out to DV hotlines, read the book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Read up on 'traumatic bonding'
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 8, 2017 15:40:38 GMT
Oh and by the way, I promise you that he is going to treat her the same way he treated you.
This is a show, all abusers do this. He wants you to believe that he is a changed man.
From what it sounds like I think he told his friend to tell you this.
It sounds so staged and artificial.
Also, moving in with someone you have known only for a few weeks is insane.
A hugeeee red flag and warning sign of an abuser. Abusers want you to fall fast and hard. That way they can get to 'work' sooner and use their power and control sooner.
I promise you that in 6 months from now you will post here about his breakup with her.
If not 6, it will be 12. Or maybe less than 6.
It was never your fault.
He will abuse her.
You did nothing wrong and nothing could have changed him while you were with him.
You did the right thing by leaving him, even if you may not always feel great about it and even when there are doubts.
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 8, 2017 19:34:03 GMT
Wow thank you so much...it is a horrible sick feeling and can't eat. I have all of Lundy's books and even gave them to him at a time but he just couldn't seem to get or understand...He honestly believes he can be non abusive and maybe he will even try harder or longer. He was still abusive even after getting sober to me but seemed to feel that just that alone showed how much he loved me and wanted us to work...but if I spoke of my feelings and desire to heal and go through a course or whatever I got mixed signals. Either I have already tried that, he quit everything he tried even AA but he did stay sober. It is the self reflection that brings the uncomfortable work that he would never do. Now he is reading all the stuff she is giving him and he truly thinks he has it licked because he has a clean slate.....it is so frightening that someone can just rip your life apart in a day and move on in a couple days.
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 9, 2017 0:00:50 GMT
If you look at my book, Jerk Radar, Chapter 3 is all about how they charm you into thinking they are super wonderful, and Chapter 5 is all about how they want to get deeply involved very quickly in order to isolate you from others and create an impression that they are all you need/want to survive. And as you noted, the attempts to make her feel sorry for him and take care of him are also covered in Chapter 2 and elsewhere. In other words, he is ALREADY abusing her by setting her up to be his caretaker and to commit to being with him before she knows who he really is.
He is a classic abuser - his comments about how you somehow didn't understand that he was trying and you were nagging him about getting help when he was already doing fine, etc, etc, is all abuser crap to avoid responsibility (Chapter 6, I think?)
One thing you can do to make this less likely to happen in the future is to tell your friend not to tell you ONE WORD about what is happening in your ex's life ever again. He thinks he is helping, but I'm sure the ex knew what he was doing and used your friend to send you an indirect message that a) he is happy without you and doesn't need you, and b) none of this is his fault, it's all because you're bitchy and nagging and unfair.
And no, he really doesn't have much by way of a conscience. That's the most important point here. He will do/say whatever he needs to in order to make himself feel right and justified, regardless of the effect on anyone else. The good news is, that means that NONE of what he says or does had ANYTHING to do with you, no matter how much he tries to personalize it and make you feel bad. He has followed the course he wanted to and didn't care what happened to you, not because there's something wrong with you, but because he's an insensitive, selfish ass and was one before you got together. Even the "nice parts" were planned and part of his abusive approach to all intimate relationships. And Janine is right, he'll do the same to the new woman. I feel bad for her.
Again, so sorry for the pain this causes, but it looks to me like you're in the right position to really see what is happening now and realize it's not your fault at all. He is an abuser, plain and simple, and you didn't make it happen and you could never change it.
Hang in there and keep us posted on your progress. Remember, NO CONTACT is the fastest way for you to recover!
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Post by sarah on Feb 9, 2017 0:17:06 GMT
I feel your pain..we have all been there or going through it now.
Your ex sounds a bit like mine with the drinking(and in my case drugs)-I did everything I could to help too-got him Doctor appointments,counselling,books-constant support and he did'nt use any of the substances while I was with him-after I gave him the ultimatum.He said all the right things..really acted the part and that of course kept me in the relationship for way longer than I should've done.
My ex has'nt found a girlfriend yet(we've been split for nearly 4 weeks) but I bet he's looking and she will end up being a victim too eventually.He will not change for her..it's an act to reel her in.If he was seriously intent on changing he would focus on himself in the right way and by the sounds of it,it would take a very long time to and not bring anybody else into the equation.You need to focus on yourself.I know it's hard..cry it out,do what you need to do for YOU because you need to heal.Forget them.Keep telling yourself it won't work out-because it won't.You WILL get past this.
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 9, 2017 20:41:34 GMT
I see realistically that he is an abuser I guess I fear that since he found someone that doesn't drink either that he thinks he is fixed and maybe they will be happy ever after. Now that he has been sober 8 months can he now become no abusive? I feel sorry for the woman and feel I should say something to her or just let her know if she has any questions that I am here.
but, that complete lack of empathy for the position he has put me in kills me. Not having any family and now losing his has just killed me and of course they are all in support of him. Today is his sons birthday and I have reached out to him but get no reply...so guess I lost him forever as well. I lost my childhood family, then the family I raised and now this family and just starting to feel so lost that I can't go on....I don't know how to pick myself up out of this hole and have no strength on my own anymore....I have no one but me and my 13 year old son and just need help so bad.
I actually feel horrible but in my pain I went out and allowed myself to disrespect myself out of neediness and slept with someone and now just hate myself more....I feel I am seeking.
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 9, 2017 20:42:19 GMT
And even worse I broke NC and text him to say I reached out to his son and no reply and hurts that I lost him too.
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 9, 2017 20:42:55 GMT
Greg was my person....past present and future and then he just cut that off like it was nothing and I am lost
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Post by sarah on Feb 9, 2017 23:31:08 GMT
Abusers can be incredibly cruel and we always wonder why and seek out the answers..but it is actually really simple..they want a reaction.You breaking contact is giving him a reaction and whether he replied or not you would still end up none the wiser or feeling better.Just start the NC again and try stick to it.Delete his number.
As for his Son-he might've been told not to respond to you or maybe he feels awkward by responding-there could be a number of reasons and I understand how it feels..adding insult to injury so to speak but the best thing for you to do there is again is to take that big step back and concentrate on you and your healing.
I also understand how you feel you got no-one but you mentioned your 13 year old Son.You have to be strong for him aswell as yourself.I've been estranged from my family and alot of people myself before because of my situation and for a very long time it was just me and my little boy so I identify with you.But you can do it..it's not easy but you can do it.
As for the one night stand..it's understandable but like you said it has'nt made you feel any better but don't beat yourself up over it-we all make mistakes and we learn from them.Your emotions will be all over the place right now..get support by calling an abuse line and maybe find a support group in your area?And you have support here..so although it seems it-you are not alone.
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 10, 2017 1:24:03 GMT
Thank you...I can tell by my phone he did not even read my text regarding his son. When you say he feels a reaction from my texting what kind of reaction is it? You would think as close I was to his son that it would matter. In fact he state to a friend the other night that he is still so upset with me for not being at his son's going away party after he had broke up with me.
I still have such a hard time with the what ifs and then also the fact that he moved on as if I was nothing. His whole family is backing him, his mom cleaning and decorating for her boy and putting pics of new girl in the house and Valentine cookies he friend said and it just kills me. I am sitting here dying by myself and going to therapy, doctor and support groups but barely hanging on with no one here to help me with a damn thing and it is just so unfair.
You would think that his family would see that he has a problem by going so quick with a new girl even to the point of selling his house and moving 2 hours away after only a month and just 5 weeks out of 3 1/2 relationship. I think he believes since he is now sober and she doesn't drink that he will change but he never even finished the steps of AA he only went to the 3 step...he was coming up to the one of accountability and making it right to those he created so much damage to but he couldn't do it!!!
Just because he is sober does it mean he will stop? He didn't for me he still through fits and stuff but there was already so much animosity that it was hard to get to the point of him having empathy for me and instead just blamed and put me down.
Gosh I just want my heart to stop hurting!!!
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 11, 2017 2:05:10 GMT
Remember, he lacks empathy, not only for you but for his son. So his son missing you doesn't matter to him at all - it doesn't even occur to him that how his son feels is important. He makes up the stuff about being upset with you for not showing up (totally unreasonable expectation, BTW) in order to upset you.
As to what reaction, it doesn't matter. All he sees is that he's had an effect on you that led to you texting him back, which makes him feel like he has the upper hand.
His family doesn't see he has a problem because they are part of the problem. Almost every abuser I know had a parent or authority figure who made excuses for him/her and allowed him/her to avoid responsibility for his/her behavior. My wife's brother attacked and choked his wife in front of their mom, and yet her mom STILL supports him and blames her for the breakup of the relationship and all the problems with the kids, even though HE had an affair with his new wife while still married! My wife is, of course, appalled by both his behavior and his mom's, but she reports that her brother was the "favorite son" from early in life and could do no wrong, even when he was heavily using cocaine in college, and yes, even when he choked his wife almost to unconsciousness right in front of her. She refuses to communicate now with her grandkids' mom, despite the ex's victimization by her son.
So who has the problem here? The ex-wife, who did everything she could for years to try and make things work, or the grandma, who protects and supports her son regardless of his abusive behavior? If they can't see his abusive behavior, they are most likely extremely complicit in making it happen.
As for being isolated yourself, that is an extremely common result of an abusive relationship, and is in fact an intentional effect that abusers like to create so you are dependent on them and them alone. One of the reasons it is so hard to leave is because you really have to start over from scratch.
It may seem like he is "happy" with his new life, but believe me, anyone who has to act that way toward a partner who loves him is not happy. This is another reason why it is not good to read or hear anything about how he's doing - it leads to comparisons and anger that he's not "suffering enough" from losing you. This is a dead end. He will suffer the same problems over and over again and always blame it on someone else and never get over it, because he is an immature little man-boy. And the thing that will make him suffer the most is if you move on and live a good life.
"The best revenge is living well," they say, and it's true. Forget how he's doing and make your life what it needs to be for you. It will take longer for you, but in the end, you will be truly happy, while his "happiness" is just a show to distract him from his deep inner emptiness and inability to make a genuine connection with another human being.
Hope that helps a bit. It is very hard now, but it DOES get better if you keep going. Back to NO CONTACT!
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 13, 2017 23:24:59 GMT
Thank you Steve and these words are actually finally sinking in for me. I did a lot more reading on a Narc and realize I wasn't with a real human from the beginning. My therapist said that actually he seems to be escalating and now I just pray for the poor woman. To have someone break off cold. cruelly and without warning then meet a woman 3 days later and post that he is in a relationship to a woman 2 hours away...and now even selling his home to move to her horse ranch just shows his shallow ability to even think on a normal level let alone care about anyone else. My therapist even stated that someone on a path as this can become extremely violent and even homicidal especially when they completely move themselves away from any normality or closeness with family or friends....she will get the brunt of his inner turmoil bless her heart.
Just since this weekend I have begun to say to myself snake every single time his face or anything comes to mind to remind me. I have found a new therapist to help me in the healing journey I need to take and getting ready to go see her now. I am ready to embrace a happy future and let go of the turmoil that affected me so deeply for several years. I am scared but my mantra in life is I can, I have and I will again. Somehow he will meet this head on and be so very thankful in the end.
Oh and by the way his son finally replied to my texts and we had a nice conversation which warmed my heart and spoke nothing of his dad!!!
Wish me well and I will try to let you know how my session goes when I get back!!!!
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Post by sanyand3 on Feb 14, 2017 12:51:14 GMT
Well my therapist appointment went pretty well but got an odd call just as I was coming out. A girlfriend of mine since jr high had been dating a guy for a while that had dated Greg's new gal right before him...is that not crazy? Said they dated 9 months and found out she was bipolar and gets very angry. I guess she cheated on him several times and even pulled a gun on him once. Said they have been in contact even while her and Greg been dating. Sounds like someone may get their karma. My friend reached out to Greg and asked what the heck happened to us and of course Greg did admit to a couple of things he made it sound like I had a lot of issues and he did all he could possibly do to make up the things he said and did!!! NOT!!!! Oh well he made his bed and it feels good that people seem to think he cheated on me since they were in a relationship just a few days after our christmas and sadly I do hope he gets a dose of his own medicine. I have remained no contact. Only that one text regarding his son a week or so ago in 3 weeks. I am still shaking my head after coming to the realization of who and what he is but I just keep letting myself move forward and being thankful he is not in my life anymore. I just want to do what I need to heal and to also never let myself get into something like this again!!!! |
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Post by sarah on Feb 15, 2017 1:35:23 GMT
Hey..you should be proud of yourself-you are already showing signs of being mentally stronger and seeing the situation and him for what it really is.Keep up with the therapist and the support here and the no contact-well done.If you have to keep in contact with the Son then always keep the conversation away from the Dad-I'm glad he was'nt mentioned but you don't want to sabotage your healing and moving on so just remember to do what you need to do for you.
I believe in Karma too so you keep getting stronger and believe that one day that will happen.
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I have been no contact for a little over a week.