Post by janine on Jan 6, 2017 13:50:43 GMT
Over the last two years I decided to give up alcohol, and while reading a couple of wonderful books (Mrs D is going without - by Lotta Dann (she has a great blog too) // Jason Vale's -Kick the drink easily)
I couldn't help but notice the similarities between an addiction and living with an abuser.
My reasons for not drinking were that even though I don't drink much - next to none- anymore, and haven't for 2-3 years now, I did drink way too much red wine before I dated my abusive ex, during the relationship with him, and in the years right after leaving him. And this week I read about how 'We invest so much energy into either managing alcohol intake, thinking about what it might do to us or the time it takes to recover from it (shame about what we said or did while inebriated, embarrassment, physical suffering etc.) -- and isn't that just what having an abuser in your life does?
So many people who experienced abuse or are currently still living with it invest a lot of time and energy into 'managing the abuser'.
Maybe this means for you that you try to 'do it right so he won't be angry' or to 'be a better wife (or husband)' or whatever he or she may tell you is the reason for his violence or mood swings or verbal/emotional/physical/sexual/spiritual abuse.
Just like alcohol though, you never win the game. You cannot make a drug a non-drug. Alcohol will always be a depressant, it will suck your energy out of your body and mind. You may spent decades trying so hard to moderate it and yet it gradually gets worse and makes you feel worse.
I am not talking about moderate drinking here of course - for many people a glass of wine on the weekend is totally fine.
But if you had any experiences like me and tried to manage the emotions from abusive experiences with alcohol (or any other drug) then you probably know how it feels like.
The very thing that we use to get away from the pain and suffering, is the very source of the pain and suffering and only adds to the already existing suffering.
Let me explain -
My father is an abusive alcoholic and he used to beat my brother badly and emotionally and verbally abuse my brother and me. My mother is quite narcissistic and therefore I tried so hard to find that sense of belonging and the need to be loved and seen and hear outside of myself. And abusers can smell these unmet needs a person has. Of course we can fall for an abuser even when our parents and core family are happy and healthy. And we can have an abusive childhood but never date an abuser. This is not a black/white world. It is grey.
But just like when I wondered why I drank 3 glasses of wine instead of just one....I also started to ask myself a few questions whenever I felt like i was looking for a way to meet my unmet needs by becoming dependent on external things (or people). Questions like:
-What am I unwilling to feel right now?
-What do I need?
-What am I believing right now?
And back then when I still dated an abusive man and used alcohol to numb my anxiety and depression = trauma ...and even still nowadays sometimes I probably would have answered:
-What am I unwilling to feel right now? Fear. Shame. Anger. Paralysis. Confusion. More fear. More toxic shame.
-What do I need? A sense of belonging. Community. To feel safe. To feel whole, complete, integrated. To feel worthy and good enough.
-What am I believing right now? That I am not good enough. That it will never get better. That there is no hope. That I somehow caused this and deserve it. That it is somehow also my fault. That I am not normal and will never have a normal life and relationship.
That last point is often what keeps people in these relationships that are abusive and toxic. Whether that is a relationship with a drug like alcohol, or a man who is controlling.
We buy into our own false beliefs. They keep us small and scared. And it is never our fault. Traumatic bonding is in my opinion one of the strongest 'lizard brain' mind-body mechanisms a human being can experience. A woman who has experienced abuse for years is just as brave as a soldier who has seen many battlefields, only those weren't in Iraq but in her own kitchen or bedroom.
If you have these 'false beliefs', gently notice them. Be extra kind to yourself. It is not your fault that you may believe you cannot leave him. (or her)
You are doing the best you can and it takes such an amount of energy to see an abuser for what he is, and then to get yourself to a safe space.
You don't have to do this alone. Ever.
Call a DV hotline.
Tell a trusted friend or colleague.
Listen to your gut.
Have a chat with a domestic violence hotline if picking up the phone feels too much right now.
Stay safe.
I believe you can leave him. I believe you can leave her.
It will be ok and you will be ok.
I couldn't help but notice the similarities between an addiction and living with an abuser.
My reasons for not drinking were that even though I don't drink much - next to none- anymore, and haven't for 2-3 years now, I did drink way too much red wine before I dated my abusive ex, during the relationship with him, and in the years right after leaving him. And this week I read about how 'We invest so much energy into either managing alcohol intake, thinking about what it might do to us or the time it takes to recover from it (shame about what we said or did while inebriated, embarrassment, physical suffering etc.) -- and isn't that just what having an abuser in your life does?
So many people who experienced abuse or are currently still living with it invest a lot of time and energy into 'managing the abuser'.
Maybe this means for you that you try to 'do it right so he won't be angry' or to 'be a better wife (or husband)' or whatever he or she may tell you is the reason for his violence or mood swings or verbal/emotional/physical/sexual/spiritual abuse.
Just like alcohol though, you never win the game. You cannot make a drug a non-drug. Alcohol will always be a depressant, it will suck your energy out of your body and mind. You may spent decades trying so hard to moderate it and yet it gradually gets worse and makes you feel worse.
I am not talking about moderate drinking here of course - for many people a glass of wine on the weekend is totally fine.
But if you had any experiences like me and tried to manage the emotions from abusive experiences with alcohol (or any other drug) then you probably know how it feels like.
The very thing that we use to get away from the pain and suffering, is the very source of the pain and suffering and only adds to the already existing suffering.
Let me explain -
My father is an abusive alcoholic and he used to beat my brother badly and emotionally and verbally abuse my brother and me. My mother is quite narcissistic and therefore I tried so hard to find that sense of belonging and the need to be loved and seen and hear outside of myself. And abusers can smell these unmet needs a person has. Of course we can fall for an abuser even when our parents and core family are happy and healthy. And we can have an abusive childhood but never date an abuser. This is not a black/white world. It is grey.
But just like when I wondered why I drank 3 glasses of wine instead of just one....I also started to ask myself a few questions whenever I felt like i was looking for a way to meet my unmet needs by becoming dependent on external things (or people). Questions like:
-What am I unwilling to feel right now?
-What do I need?
-What am I believing right now?
And back then when I still dated an abusive man and used alcohol to numb my anxiety and depression = trauma ...and even still nowadays sometimes I probably would have answered:
-What am I unwilling to feel right now? Fear. Shame. Anger. Paralysis. Confusion. More fear. More toxic shame.
-What do I need? A sense of belonging. Community. To feel safe. To feel whole, complete, integrated. To feel worthy and good enough.
-What am I believing right now? That I am not good enough. That it will never get better. That there is no hope. That I somehow caused this and deserve it. That it is somehow also my fault. That I am not normal and will never have a normal life and relationship.
That last point is often what keeps people in these relationships that are abusive and toxic. Whether that is a relationship with a drug like alcohol, or a man who is controlling.
We buy into our own false beliefs. They keep us small and scared. And it is never our fault. Traumatic bonding is in my opinion one of the strongest 'lizard brain' mind-body mechanisms a human being can experience. A woman who has experienced abuse for years is just as brave as a soldier who has seen many battlefields, only those weren't in Iraq but in her own kitchen or bedroom.
If you have these 'false beliefs', gently notice them. Be extra kind to yourself. It is not your fault that you may believe you cannot leave him. (or her)
You are doing the best you can and it takes such an amount of energy to see an abuser for what he is, and then to get yourself to a safe space.
You don't have to do this alone. Ever.
Call a DV hotline.
Tell a trusted friend or colleague.
Listen to your gut.
Have a chat with a domestic violence hotline if picking up the phone feels too much right now.
Stay safe.
I believe you can leave him. I believe you can leave her.
It will be ok and you will be ok.
