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Post by A on Nov 16, 2014 0:40:46 GMT
It's only been 2 days since I made the decision to tell my mum about what had been happening and leave him. He's none stop been messaging my family and getting his friends to message me. And I miss him so much, I keep thinking about all the times we had, the good ones. It scares me that I'm alone now, and I don't have no one to cuddle when I'm down or to wipe my tears but I know behind all that was a person that just wanted to hurt me. Which I need to get my head around. I wish things could of been different, I wish he was never violent or never abusive and maybe we could of have a happy ever after. But he was never going to be my prince. I've cried myself to sleep for the past 2 nights, and I've even had thoughts of going back but I know I can't. I've come this far to turn back now and if I did I know id regret it weeks later. It's just the way it is now. No one said it was going to be easy and I knew that myself but I didn't tho I for one minute id miss someone so much that I've been trying to get away from for so long, and who brought me so much pain. I've ordered that book, "why does he do that" should arrive on Wednesday. Hopefully then I'll have a more clearer head and the book will help me get through. I'm also being referred to a Counsillor tomorrow because I can't go through everyday like this. I'll end up breaking myself. I wish I could of been happy with him, but it just wasn't meant to be. I miss him. I really do  ? but I just can't be that girl anymore. |
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janine
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Admin
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Post by janine on Nov 16, 2014 1:28:39 GMT
Your feelings are very real, and I understand you feel a lot of pain right now.
I too missed my abusive ex a lot right after i had left him. First there was relief...then the missing --- no CRAVNG-- crept in. The hard part about leaving an abuser is, that everyone expects you to be happy you got rid of that bad guy. And you sit home alone, missing an illusion.
You know he was NOT good. You know he was not safe.
But just like letting go of an addiction, or moaning the loss of someone you loved and who died, you need to grieve that loss of the illusion --- of the man he pretended to be when you met him.
I can promise you it does get easier, the longer you go no contact 100%. It is not a fun road, but with the help of a good therapist you will get through it.
It is not your fault what happened. You never signed up for the abuse. You were lied to and fooled. And it is OK and healthy and normal to grieve this loss in your very own way.
I mean we would grieve the end of a normal relationship, why not also an abusive one. Plus the traumatic bonding he created left your brain experience these contradicting feelings- you know he is not safe, yet you miss him.
What helped me in moments when I really missed him, was to write down all the abusive things he had done. The things I had feared.
The things I knew might cost me my emotional and physical health.
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Post by A on Nov 16, 2014 17:39:01 GMT
He's none stop messaging my phone telling me be isn't giving up on me. He wants me. He didn't even text he emailed because I've blocked him off everything else I believe he's only saying that because he's lost someone he had full control over. I'm trying to stay strong and so far I'm doing good with it. I just hope I don't fall.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 16, 2014 21:12:53 GMT
Hi A..you are doing all the good things for you right now..I know it hurts, I have been away from my ex-boyfriend for over 2 months and I miss him everyday..I miss how he held me, I miss how he would smile at me from across the room, but then I start to think about all the things he accused me of, and how many times he threatened me to get out of his house, and how he lied to me, and how he told me I was so stubborn that he had to hurt me badly to get me to get it. Then I get angry.. and realize that I made the right decision..I am healing everyday..I am surrounding myself with people who really love me and who define "LOVE" the way I do. I also am ready to take on some new activities..things that keep my mind off my ex.
I also have a husband..he is so pissed at me right now because I "changed the status quo". I was married to him for 20 years, I didn't realize he was abusive until I started to talk to my counselor. I read "Why Does He do That?" and OMG..there was my husband and his behaviors!!! I can't get far enough away from him. I read the chapter closer to the end about "how do I know if he will become violent?" Would you believe the first thing on the page.."he kicks the car"..my husband kicked my car last week because I wouldn't let him drive it..it isn't his but he says it is..he has been horrible since I told him I wanted a divorce 18 months ago..his true colors have come out... and he is nasty!!. I wonder now if he loved me..I have disliked my husband for over 3 years now, so I pretty much just stay away from him, I don't love him and have absolutely no desire to even be near him. My "normal" became his when we were married, I changed that because I was sick of being his wife and trying to get him to love me..also tired of trying to make us look like one big happy family when that was far from the truth. I could not go on in life and be that unhappy, I decided I loved me more. HE HATES that I have changed the plan..absolutely hates it. They don't like it at all when we change the status quo..that is why we have to not have contact..not give them any ammunition to hurt us with.
You are strong, you are smart, you are making great decisions for you..YOU matter and YOU are important! If he really "loved" you , the way non-abusive people give and receive love, he wouldn't be hounding you, he wants to control you. CHange your e-mail if you can. I know it is a lot of work, but it is very worth it. I saw my ex-boyfriend one time go BOLISTIC because his ex-wife blocked him from her phone. I realized he was abusive towards her too..he took me to her house with him so he could cuss her out. I can't believe I was a part of that, he believed he was completely justified in screaming at her and me being along to see it..didn't bother him at all. I now realize how wrong it was.
Your heart and head don't match right now..my counselor told me that too..it can take a while for them both to be on the same page. It is a very weird feeling, but mine are coming together slow but sure. And Janine is right, we are grieving..this is a loss (good or bad it is a loss). She is right in saying to right it down, as I said before, I grieve the loss, I cry a little (a lot less than I use to) and then I get angry and that gets me back on track. I then go and treat myself for not contacting him and keeping myself strong! Usually I buy a sweater or some new lipstick..and don't forget..people are here who can help!
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? but I just can't be that girl anymore. 
