Post by darren on Nov 12, 2014 11:37:01 GMT
Hi everyone. I am 34 (last Friday!) I am free from an abusive ex (female) for 3 and a half years now. This is a long topic entry as I want to explain who I am and why I am here.
We were engaged to be married and were living together in shared accommodation for 3 years. We went out and split up twice. Looking back on it everything she did and I allowed her to do seems really obvious now, which is great knowledge and awareness to now have. It's funny writing this because it's the first time I've really thought how we first were together, I have to acknowledge that I pursued her partly because she was also emotionally unstable (I was post a breakdown) and we could identify with each other on that level. But for next year I'd let her sleep in my room/bed she'd have drug parties in my room have people stay over and all this time I was wanting to be her boyfriend but she wouldn't let me. She started seeing another guy. That broke down and we got together. So then everything seemed ok for a while. I then got really ill with a bad back and was incapacitated for 9 months with a slipped disk, I was on really high dosage of Tramadol for this, my ex looked after me during this. Post operation we got engaged and things seemed great until I was better and her mental health went downhill really fast. There was a constant Cannabis addiction of hers there the entire time. What happened next was she'd try and keep me away from friends, set me against them her addiction was so bad I was supporting her financially and dealing with her landlord/bills etc... I was doing everything possible to help but only to be pushed away (she did eventually get diagnosed with BDP) emotionally. So this went on for ages, I was broke all the time, couldn't do anything just for me, had all the worry of her. She started telling me she'd kill herself if I broke up with her (in fact now I think about it she told me very early on the relationship that I'd eventually leave her, I remember this and the suicide guilt weighing so heavily on me when I knew I had to leave)...And I eventually broke up with her, but naively I stayed living in the shared house. So what happened would be she'd bully me (again whilst writing I remember so many times she'd whisper menacing things into my ears when we were together and apart, I can't let anyone go near my ears now) I still was trying to help her and felt so guilty about everything. Oh and the entire time we had a dog, i'd bought her a dog for her 30th, miss that dog sooooooo much! (this was another complication post break up, i'd bought her the dog but she wanted me to have it, I was also to unwell to look after it on my own but she used that as a weapon to get near me, have me under some control, I also have to admit that when she told me she couldn't look after the dog anymore that I couldn't help, I did show how sad I would be if she got rid of the dog I think partly because it breaks my heart to think I can't see that dog again).
The next thing that happened was that she tried to kill herself, she'd kept lots of the medication for my back and overdosed on it. Me and my friend clyve found her and woke her up and made sure she vomited. We called the hospital but because she'd vomited they said she was best off staying at home (I think this is awful advice off them now!) I stayed awake all night making sure she was ok and breathing. When she woke in the morning she was horrified to be still awake and told me it wasn't my choice to have taken that away from her. Obviously this completely shattered my ability and motivation to help so I stopped. the next event was the final, she got really drunk and verbally assaulted me picking on all my sensitivities to push my buttons eventually i reacted lashing back at one of her sensitivities and she attacked me with fists and boots (she'd always threatened me she could do this, some of the whispers were of this). I remember being unable to respond I couldn't even compute what was happening I remember feeling so lost knowing someone I still cared about was assaulting me. She stopped but told me she was going to stab me. I left the room we were in and locked my bedroom door. She tried to get in but fortunately she didn't. The next morning I awoke to find her in the front room. She knew what she had done but didn't want to talk about it. I spent the next week or two finding somewhere to move to, manchester council wouldn't help me as I'd not prosecuted her. I moved to my friend Clyves house. So as expected and still to this day I've been distancing and distancing myself from her. Now she has admitted she was a heavy drug addict of many different substances. Last year I supported her with a friend though a benzo withdrawal, I had to call the police to evict her from my house as she thought it was her house. She is a very toubled soul and has been through horrific childhood abuse whcich isn't me excusing her it's just that it gives me a framework for understanding.
Early this year I sought help from Manchester Womens Aid (I remember there was no 24 hour helpline available when the abuse was going on). Within 6 weeks I was seeing a therapist. It was one of the single most challenging things i've ever faced and as a result the most important life changing event for me. I now have a toolkit that allows me to avoid abuse and set boundaries. This I have realised is an ongoing thing, recovery I have realised is ongoing and something to be mindful of. I have many ptsd traits, yet undiagnosed, I am seeking this diagnosis now as I am recovering well and have entered a relationship which unwittingly highlights all my anxieties and triggers flashbacks and I don't want it to effect my happiness or for transference to happen. hence part of the reason I am here. I have decided that the best way to stay on top of all of this is to help others, share with others, learn off others who have been through or are going through the same.
I am also a volunteer (as an arts facilitator)for a young adult homelessness and street exploitation (sex work advocacy) project in manchester. I am wanting to share my knowledge with them. I am trying to work out how to deliver a program to them on healthy relationships and abuse awareness but don't really know where to begin. i am looking for training/advice/projects I could visit and learn off etc...
So that's me, feel free to ask any questions you want offer any advice, i'm aware alot of recovery comes down to how you word things so feel free to comment.
I look forward to meeting you all.
Darren
We were engaged to be married and were living together in shared accommodation for 3 years. We went out and split up twice. Looking back on it everything she did and I allowed her to do seems really obvious now, which is great knowledge and awareness to now have. It's funny writing this because it's the first time I've really thought how we first were together, I have to acknowledge that I pursued her partly because she was also emotionally unstable (I was post a breakdown) and we could identify with each other on that level. But for next year I'd let her sleep in my room/bed she'd have drug parties in my room have people stay over and all this time I was wanting to be her boyfriend but she wouldn't let me. She started seeing another guy. That broke down and we got together. So then everything seemed ok for a while. I then got really ill with a bad back and was incapacitated for 9 months with a slipped disk, I was on really high dosage of Tramadol for this, my ex looked after me during this. Post operation we got engaged and things seemed great until I was better and her mental health went downhill really fast. There was a constant Cannabis addiction of hers there the entire time. What happened next was she'd try and keep me away from friends, set me against them her addiction was so bad I was supporting her financially and dealing with her landlord/bills etc... I was doing everything possible to help but only to be pushed away (she did eventually get diagnosed with BDP) emotionally. So this went on for ages, I was broke all the time, couldn't do anything just for me, had all the worry of her. She started telling me she'd kill herself if I broke up with her (in fact now I think about it she told me very early on the relationship that I'd eventually leave her, I remember this and the suicide guilt weighing so heavily on me when I knew I had to leave)...And I eventually broke up with her, but naively I stayed living in the shared house. So what happened would be she'd bully me (again whilst writing I remember so many times she'd whisper menacing things into my ears when we were together and apart, I can't let anyone go near my ears now) I still was trying to help her and felt so guilty about everything. Oh and the entire time we had a dog, i'd bought her a dog for her 30th, miss that dog sooooooo much! (this was another complication post break up, i'd bought her the dog but she wanted me to have it, I was also to unwell to look after it on my own but she used that as a weapon to get near me, have me under some control, I also have to admit that when she told me she couldn't look after the dog anymore that I couldn't help, I did show how sad I would be if she got rid of the dog I think partly because it breaks my heart to think I can't see that dog again).
The next thing that happened was that she tried to kill herself, she'd kept lots of the medication for my back and overdosed on it. Me and my friend clyve found her and woke her up and made sure she vomited. We called the hospital but because she'd vomited they said she was best off staying at home (I think this is awful advice off them now!) I stayed awake all night making sure she was ok and breathing. When she woke in the morning she was horrified to be still awake and told me it wasn't my choice to have taken that away from her. Obviously this completely shattered my ability and motivation to help so I stopped. the next event was the final, she got really drunk and verbally assaulted me picking on all my sensitivities to push my buttons eventually i reacted lashing back at one of her sensitivities and she attacked me with fists and boots (she'd always threatened me she could do this, some of the whispers were of this). I remember being unable to respond I couldn't even compute what was happening I remember feeling so lost knowing someone I still cared about was assaulting me. She stopped but told me she was going to stab me. I left the room we were in and locked my bedroom door. She tried to get in but fortunately she didn't. The next morning I awoke to find her in the front room. She knew what she had done but didn't want to talk about it. I spent the next week or two finding somewhere to move to, manchester council wouldn't help me as I'd not prosecuted her. I moved to my friend Clyves house. So as expected and still to this day I've been distancing and distancing myself from her. Now she has admitted she was a heavy drug addict of many different substances. Last year I supported her with a friend though a benzo withdrawal, I had to call the police to evict her from my house as she thought it was her house. She is a very toubled soul and has been through horrific childhood abuse whcich isn't me excusing her it's just that it gives me a framework for understanding.
Early this year I sought help from Manchester Womens Aid (I remember there was no 24 hour helpline available when the abuse was going on). Within 6 weeks I was seeing a therapist. It was one of the single most challenging things i've ever faced and as a result the most important life changing event for me. I now have a toolkit that allows me to avoid abuse and set boundaries. This I have realised is an ongoing thing, recovery I have realised is ongoing and something to be mindful of. I have many ptsd traits, yet undiagnosed, I am seeking this diagnosis now as I am recovering well and have entered a relationship which unwittingly highlights all my anxieties and triggers flashbacks and I don't want it to effect my happiness or for transference to happen. hence part of the reason I am here. I have decided that the best way to stay on top of all of this is to help others, share with others, learn off others who have been through or are going through the same.
I am also a volunteer (as an arts facilitator)for a young adult homelessness and street exploitation (sex work advocacy) project in manchester. I am wanting to share my knowledge with them. I am trying to work out how to deliver a program to them on healthy relationships and abuse awareness but don't really know where to begin. i am looking for training/advice/projects I could visit and learn off etc...
So that's me, feel free to ask any questions you want offer any advice, i'm aware alot of recovery comes down to how you word things so feel free to comment.
I look forward to meeting you all.
Darren
