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Post by Gina on Nov 11, 2014 21:10:25 GMT
He found me. Or I should say, "ran into" me. It was at university on Saturday. I had just gone there to drop off a project to one of my professors. My partner doesn't have any Saturday classes and neither do I, so I thought it would be alright. I still don't know how he knew I'd be there. I haven't told any of our mutual friends anything. I dropped off the project and I was on my way back to my car when I spotted his car in the parking lot, about 50 feet away. One of his Turkish friends was with him. I had a very bad feeling so I began walking faster, but I heard his car door close and he called out my name. I told him to get away or I'd call 911--which I would have done anyway. He raced up and grabbed my arm and said, "Talk to me. Please." I yelled that he wasn't allowed to be within 1000 feet of me. His friend grabbed his arm and pulled him away and started talking to him in Turkish. I know very little of it, but I'm pretty sure he said, "What? Adin?(my partner's name)". Then I said I was calling the police and I reached for my phone. I thought it would scare him off. He yelled NO! and he shoved me against the car door. It knocked the wind right out of me. I hit the driver's side mirror with my arm and fell. He stepped back and I thought he was going to kick me. He looked like pure evil. I have to say, my faith in Turkish men has been lost and restored within a week. His friend tackled him and started yelling and swearing at him. Again, I didn't understand most of it, but I understood "bastard" and "asshole". My partner started yelling back, his friend yelled something and shoved him, and he just walked back to his car and left. His friend stayed with me until the police came. He said to me twice, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
My partner has been arrested and he is in serious trouble. I found out that on Friday, when he was picked up for disturbing the peace, he was in jail for less than 2 hours. He was booked, posted bail, and released. Well, he's now being charged with a felony, due to his previous convictions. He is a legal permanent resident, but he still may be facing deportation as well. Either way, his bail has been revoked and he's not going to get out anytime soon.
I know I should feel good about this. I can sleep tonight knowing he's locked up. I got away with only a bruised arm. But I don't feel okay. I'm having trouble sleeping and I don't want to leave the shelter at all. I tried yesterday and it made me too anxious. The counselor said it's PTSD. I have missed two days of classes this week and two last week. The counselor has notified my professors what is going on and so far they have been understanding, but I know I have to get back. I don't have the excuse that he might show up anymore. I haven't changed my mind about staying here, as much as I want my parents right now. I just want to feel okay again.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 11, 2014 22:43:34 GMT
Hey Gina,
He dropped his mask. All abusers do that eventually- and luckily this time you had another witness there, who will also add to your credibility - and of course your Ex has lost a friend and show points in acting.
I am glad you got out with 'just' minor injuries. Men like that are seriously dangerous. You can ask if the police can inform you how long he will be locked up. Even if he is a permanent resident, ( I am one too for example) in the US, he STILL has to obey certain laws, and his residency is always up for renewal or review when circumstances arise that make this necessary. The US does not want to spend tax dollars on foreigners who cannot act according to the law, and USCIS is usually very strict on terms and conditions.
All of that is of course secondary -- YOU matter right now. YOUR health, your safety, and your well-being.
I am glad you kept your calm as much as you could when he stalked you. The shelter people should be able to find out his sentence- 'jailtime' is usually a year or less, 'prison' usually anything longer and more serious.
As long as he is locked up you are 100% physically safe. If he is not locked up, I would gently ask you to reconsider your gut feeling about what is the safest thing to do.
It is very understandable that you want to remain in Uni and graduate on time. I totally support that wish, and it shows you already slowly and carefully rebuild your life after this experiences.
PTSD can be very challenging, I myself went from leaving a serious abuser to graduate school abroad in the US within 12 weeks. I did not function very well the first few months of my master's and went to campus counseling. That helped a TON, and really was the reason I kept a 4.0 GPA my first year. I had panic attacks when I was alone in the elevator with males, and I would not use elevators on campus during that time. I would also have panic attacks in class, and expect his face everywhere.
That's why it is really good he is locked up now. He got what he deserved, and he alone is responsible for everything that happened.
I am so glad the other Turkish man stood up for you. Like I mentioned earlier- I know a ton of gentle, kind male family men from Turkey, who live in Germany where I grew up.
These men take their religion the 'right' way and respect women, and protect them.
I wonder what the girlfriend your ex had before you endured. I bet it was very serious as well, and I am glad she filed charges. That makes his felony now happen.
oxox big hugs, deep breaths. Drink lots of water - your body needs it due to the PTSD. Lots of sleep if you can.
If it feels right, check ouy "Belleruth Naparstek" website and get her "Healing Trauma" and "Restful Sleep" Guided Imagery. These are MP3 audio files, rather cheap, medically approved and you can mention them to your counselor. My uni therapist back then recommended them to me. I listened to restful sleep and the trauma one before bed, or anytime I wanted to and it felt right.
My hope now is that he is locked up until you have graduated and left the country. That way there is no way for him to know where you are. Also, please be aware of anyone who might directly or indirectly work for him. Any friend or acquaintance that is questionable-- kick them out for now. YOUR safety comes first, it has to.
I am so glad you are ok physically, and got out of that. That must have been very scary.
And I am sorry you have to go through this, but I know you WILL be ok.
I really felt like life was over back then and Id never be normal again. The PTSD goes away, you already have counseling and the shelter working with you, and your family knows. You got a LOT done in such a short time.
Give yourself some credit for that....it all shows you care about yourself, you want your life back, and that your future is bright and wide open.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 11, 2014 22:52:32 GMT
Oh, and I believe the minimum jail sentence, depending on the state you are in, would be around one year. Which I hope for now.
Class C-felony is about 2-5 years in some states, with a fine up to 10.000 dollars. Class C is defined as violating an order of protection/ stalking order etc.
Given his history - I bet the judge is not risking your safety and the public safety for now.
As for feeling better yourself- give it time and we are here for you as well. Call your home and parents if that feels right - and listen to your body and gut. They usually have great advice for how to heal, as each abuse story is so individual and the healing journey as well.
It helped me to talk to others who had experienced DV as I felt rather isolated, and did not want to be around ppl who seemed to have the 'perfect life'- while I felt like I had lost my entire world view and feeling of safety in my life.
This world order/feeling of safety does grow back. I now trust men in general again, and have had a sweet long-term partner for a long time. He actually just did me the favor to look up 'felonies' since he knows what I experienced many years ago, and is always surprised by how little he knew about DV himself.
Again, big hugs, you are not alone.
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Post by Gina on Nov 12, 2014 8:10:29 GMT
Hi Janine, thank you for looking that up! I spoke to my court advocate today. Yes, if he pleads guilty or is convicted, it's a minimum of one year, maximum five years and up to a $10,000 fine. That's for the protection order violation, and then he has two misdemeanor domestic assault charges with a maximum of one year each (unlikely she said) and disturbing the peace (which will probably only be a small fine). So theoretically, he could be looking at up to 7 years, but realistically, she said a year and/or deportation would be a victory. I have six months until I graduate. Just slightly under, actually. I just checked the calendar. So anything over that will make me happy. Funny you mentioned the guided imagery. My counselor asked me about that yesterday, if I would be willing to try it--the Healing Trauma, I think. She recommended I do it for the first time at a session though, rather than alone. I told her maybe, but since it's helped you so much, I think I will give it a try. Thank you again, Janine.  |
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 12, 2014 14:21:00 GMT
Nice!! I am so glad your counselor knows about it too. That is very specific trauma recovery stuff, and not all counselors have experience with it. I do usually mention that should be only used when you have a mental health professional working with you already- but it really has been such a positive experience for me, that I feel safe about it and confident it can help. Plus the therapist (Dr. Naparstek) had this approach tested, and they ship out MP3 players to US troops in combat areas- to help them while they are gone and cannot see a therapist in the field. I do like how she asked for it to be used in the therapy session too- given PTSD is very complex and she most likely wants to make sure you feel safe and comfortable. My therapist back then gave me the book in my 3rd session that explains Guided Imagery (The "Invisible Heroes" book), and then asked me to keep the book and read it, and choose two guided imageries I might like. She then recorded them for me and gave them to me at the end of session 4 to take home. I did not listen to it in therapy, but I am glad I was in therapy to talk to her the next week about how I felt about the guided imagery. She was a trauma specialist and really knew her stuff, I am forever grateful about all the resources she gave me. How I wish I had known all this in high school.... The sleeping one (Restful Sleep) is VERY safe, I doubt anyone would need assistance with it. It is more a guided meditation if you like. It helps you relax, it is soothing, and I often fell asleep right in the middle of it. My therapist actually offered me to record two guided imageries for me, and I picked Trauma and Sleep. It was nice to have her voice first, but then as years went by I lost the files since I had two new laptops since then-- and I felt I would like to keep the sleeping one, and bought it off the website. I also got the depression and anxiety ones- I believe they were called "Panic Attack". I found those helpful for really any day I felt tense- often not related at all to my abusive Ex. The trauma one and all the others have introductions by Mrs. Naparstek-- and that helps too, to find out what is going on and most of all: Feel in charge. You can leave your eyes open if closing them feels odd right now, and turn it off any second you feel it may not be for you. Everyone takes to it a different way, maybe some find it less helpful than others- I am a very visual learner so I took to it very well. I liked how easily I could just lay down at the end of my day at Uni, pop my MP3 player in, give it a good - cleansing cry into my pillow, then breathe and feel the tension leave my body. In her book that I can also highly recommend "Invisible Heroes" Mrs. Naparstek explains in a simple, but detailed enough way what your body is going through right now. I really liked the book, and found it SO helpful to deal with my tension, anxiety, and all other PTSD symptoms. In her book she mentions how patients after listening to it, look more relaxed in the face after doing a guided imagery. I found that to be true. And of course I hope he is locked up for the rest of your time at Uni- and that you slowly ease back into a hopefully amazing final semester. I always loved how in the US universities care more about you than in Germany. We are raised to be super independent, and I am not gonna lie, being 'babied' a bit by professors who knew your name, actually answered emails, asked how you were doing...felt so nice!!! Going back with your degree from here will give you a career boost- and with us being now more open in the EU, I bet you will find yourself looking for very exciting jobs come next summer and you enjoy the beautiful green island of Ireland!!! I have a German friend who is a midwife, she worked in Ireland a lot, and another friend who works as an engineer for rally cars at Volkswagen in Germany. Both very sweet Irish people, and I cannot wait to visit in the future. We are always here if you need an ear, and thank YOU for sharing your story. That was a seriously brave thing to do. I remember I waited forever to google 'domestic violence' years back, and even then I felt "my situation was really not thaaaat bad...and I should just suck it up and move on." But it is so important to say: "Hey, I think I could need a little help here." We all do that in life every now and then- it is what makes us human, and amazingly wonderful!! If you feel like taking a break from "DV" as a topic, I also support that. I found myself some weeks checking into this forum every day, then sometimes I felt like "enough of that"-- since it is a heavy topic, and I wanted to enjoy my life and not wonder about every man and whether or not he is an abuser. I wondered if I'd ever feel normal again. And I did. In fact, I now feel like what happened was awful, and I do not wish it on anyone else. But...it has taught me a lot about how resilient and strong I am. That I love myself, that I stand up for myself, that I have higher standards and expect to be treated better than that. (Not that if you stay, you do not have these standards- traumatic bonding is so complex that the I believe the victim is NEVER NEVER ever at fault for anything,--but I mean I finally stood up and said: ENOUGH) Listen to your gut, it has all the answers during this healing journey. The emotions that come up after trauma can be very complex- but everyone heals in their own way. Your body and mind will guide you. I found that I missed my Ex a few weeks after the court hearing. Of course everyone thought I was insane- but I understand now it is very normal to have extreme ups- and downs in the weeks/months of leaving the abuser. It is all part of PTSD and the traumatic bond he had forced on me. It helped me during that time to sleep a lot, drink lots of water, stay away from alcohol if possible, (although I did drown myself for weeks in red wine before I started counseling and graduate school to be able to sleep....) - and eat a good diet. Your body will love you for treating him like your best friend. It has a lot of work to do, and it slowly bounces the chemistry in your brain back to normal. All that extra adrenaline etc. needs to be 'washed out' (this is so unscientific right now the description I bet- I am rephrasing from Naparstek's book)) and the hormones do need time to balance back. --- Oh, and talking about no alcohol for a while (which I really do recommend) ----I am a bit ashamed to mention this...as a German-- but I found that Bud Light is my favorite American beer here hehe...- so much about integrating well into a new culture. It does not beat the good, old Guinness though. What could possibly beat a good Guinness at a cozy Irish pub anyways! |
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Post by Gina on Nov 13, 2014 7:17:42 GMT
I can't sleep. Every time I try, I have a nightmare. Three in just two hours. Each time, I woke up and he was standing at the foot of my bed. Then I blink and he's gone. I'm trying to keep myself awake for a while, as I'm too scared to go back to sleep. And I don't know if it's related, but I'm having awful muscle aches, like I've been lifting weights, or like I'm getting the flu. It's very strange. I took 800mg of Advil, double what I should, but it's done nothing. I'm going to see if I can get in with my therapist tomorrow, even if it's only over the phone. She told me the nightmares can go on for only days or weeks, but for some, months or even years! Those ladies must be a lot tougher than I am. I'm only 8 days out and I'm already ready to be done.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 13, 2014 14:31:37 GMT
Hey Gina,
The nightmares and muscle tension are very, very normal. Don't worry, I highly doubt they last for years with you. For one, it all JUST happened. Literally days ago. Your body and mind are still in 'flight or fight' mode. It takes the system time to calm down from that- a lot of water, deep breathing and healthy food with lots of vitamins helps.
Here is one little exercise my therapist back then told me during the first session when I was not able to sleep, had endless nightmares in which my Ex chased me down- and when I felt I was going to collapse from the stress and tension- you can do this anywhere and anytime.
Focus on your breath. When you breathe in, say out loud (or if you are in class/public just in your mind)
"I am breathing in"
When you breathe out, try and breathe out a little bit longer than you breathe in.
I have a rule that I breathe in counting until 4- until my belly rises-- and out until 6.
And say:
"I am breathing out"
It will take a few times to get your mind back to saying: I am breathing in- I am breathing out and if your thoughts drift away,
gently go back to saying: I am breathing in....I am breathing out.......
The trauma and restful sleep guided imagery help with that tension too. They start with a guided body relaxation meditation.
But this easy exercise is very simple and it is based on science. Your mind cannot by neurological circumstance focus on two things at the same time right on.
The second you force yourself gently to focus on your breathing, you go back to the present moment.
Try and do it for 3 minutes...or 1 minute at first. Then up to 5 minutes. But at least 9 deep breaths in a row.
The side effect is that your body--- which falsely assumes due to trauma you are still in danger, calms down.
Your heartbeat calms down, your blood pressure goes down.
We tend to think we control the body-- I mean the mind and brain control the body. But that is not true.
We can have the opposite effect of calming the heart down through our conscious breathing--- and that in turn calms the mind down --- because all PTSD really is, is a nervous system that has been overworked--- and is there to HELP you.
It sucks to have nightmares, and panic attacks- but your body means well and is really only getting ready to literally 'run' from danger. So maybe next time you feel the tension, the heartbeat go up etc....breathe 9 times deeply...around the 4th time you will feel your shoulders lower, maybe even the tension leaving your neck and face.
I still do these breathing exercises many years later- like for example before I teach a class. I tell my body through this: You are ok. You are safe now with me. Whatever happens, I can come back to my breath and back into my body and breathe.
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I think it is a good idea to see your counselor too. A lot happened in a very short time- having a mental health professional by your side will really not only speed up the healing, but it can give you the extra support you need during those first few weeks.
I did not take advil but pretty much drank one bottle of red wine every night the first few days- and couple of weeks. I do NOT recommend that. But I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this-- I also picked up running much more than I did before. In my dreams I often ran away from him. One thing that happened after a while was- that I had had enough of being scared of going to sleep- and in one dream I finally realized "ok it is a dream"-- and I stood up to him and yelled my ex in that dream into the face: "You ___________(insert bad words) cannot ever hurt me again. ENOUGH! These are my dreams and you have no place in them"
And it may sound weird, but it worked and I woke up telling a friend I had that dream. But until I did that, there were a few sleepless nights- and those too, pass. The dreams become less frequent.
It does get better.
You will be ok.
This will be nothing but a memory one day-- sooner than you believe right now.
oxoxox
Big hug your way, we are always here
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