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Post by Rory on Nov 9, 2014 4:55:37 GMT
Hi everybody, just a little update. My ex's aunt called and told me that his grandmother passed away today. But she said she was so happy she got to see everyone, and especially to meet her great great grandchildren. They were able to spend a few hours with her, and I'm happy to say, my ex was nowhere in sight. I'm a little sad that she's passed on, but it does mean I am done with ex and his family for good now. In other news, when my 22-year old arrived from Spain, she had an engagement ring on her finger! Her boyfriend of 3 years proposed to her. They are getting married in 2016, after they both complete their Master's degrees. And, my 24-year old is expecting again! This will be my 3rd grandbaby. I am ecstatic, for both of them. And my 19-year old is doing much better. She loves her counselor and says it's really helping with the nightmares and anxiety. She also joined a support group for domestic violence and sexual assault survivors, a rock climbing club, AND a photography club. I think she must be like me, needing to keep busy. She told me that she's beginning to feel "sort of" normal again. What will I do now, with nothing to worry about?
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 9, 2014 13:43:55 GMT
That is such good news!!! I am really happy for you. I think more coffees in the morning on the front porch in peace are well deserved. It may seem odd to feel 'everything is good again'- but that really is the end of the story for many people who experience abuse themselves or in their families. Life DOES go back to normal, and the memories turn into simply that: memories. I remember when I received my Master's only 24 months after having run away from my Ex, I almost felt guilty for the happiness in my life - and how things had worked out. It was not an easy road, but those moments when life is happy again, makes it worthwhile to get away from abusive people.
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Post by Rory on Nov 9, 2014 22:58:46 GMT
Hi Janine, I don't have a Master's degree (yet!), but I do have my bachelor's. I dropped out of high school when I married my ex, and he always had a reason as to why I couldn't go to college, or even complete my GED (high school equivalency). Mainly, I was going to be a stay-at-home mom, so I didn't need it, and I was too stupid for college anyway (because I had dyslexia). You should have seen his face the day I was dropping the kids off with him, a year and a half after I got out, and he spotted my backpack in the car. He asked about it and I told him that I had taken the GED--and scored in the 97th percentile, by the way--and had just enrolled in college. For once, he had NOTHING to say. After that he told me several times how "proud" of me he was and how happy he was for me. Puhleeze. It took me 7 years to complete, but I did it. My middle daughter told him over the phone that I was graduating, so I didn't get to see his reaction, but I'd have paid to. Haha! And now, I've got 3 daughters in college. My oldest is attending part time. She followed in my footsteps and became a teenage mom--although unlike me, she chose an amazing, hardworking and loving guy to start a family with--so I know she'll get there, too. Happiness and success really are the best revenge.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 9, 2014 23:37:53 GMT
I love it Rory! And congratulations on working so hard and receiving the well earned degrees. Abusers love to put down all efforts of independence of their partners and often sabotage their education, careers, and really...everything. I love the fact my ex will never find out I received a full scholarship to a good university for my Master's only a few weeks after I went to court against him. The moment i received the e-mail that I had been accepted to the program was already great...but I could have not been able to afford it. Then a few days later I got the ok from the scholarship department. That was shortly after I had gone back to see my Ex 'one last time for closure' -- and that of course did not go too well as you can imagine. When I found out I was accepted and COULD GO!!!!!! to get my master's...I sat there, cried by myself for at least an hour - just tears of relief. Then I packed up, left, and never looked back. A few weeks later I had crossed a continent and started my Master's- in which I exceeded academically, but also grew sooo much as a person. Nobody but us - knows what we are capable of. And even then we are most likely capable of a lot more things than we ourselves think It sounds like you have been a great role model for your kids- and I have friends who had kids first, then went to college and they all do fine. I am especially glad your daughter picked a very good man. And screw that man who thought he could convince you to stay home. Life finds a way I actually taught a student with dyslexia during my very first semester at grad school- and she started crying during our first written quiz. She had to take a foreign language requirement for her degree, but had NO clue how it was like to learn a new language with dyslexia. She told me some of her high school teachers had told her she would never go to college because of Dyslexia. Hearing that made me so sad, I had a hard time remaining professional and show compassion and not burden her with pity or my emotional reaction- but i did, and we worked together very hard (SHE did all the work) to get her through the language classes. She is now a recent graduate with her bachelors, has a nice boyfriend, and a full-time job at a....tadaaaaa newspaper 97th percentile high five -- and rock on!!
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karen
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Post by karen on Nov 10, 2014 4:48:15 GMT
Rory..I am so happy for you! Those are such joys to celebrate!!! I agree with Janine..that feeling of saying "everything is good again" is weird..I am not there yet, but I feel myself approaching that..everyday that passes I am that much further away from the abuse and the craziness. Going away for the past 4 days was such a gift from my BFF..she helped me to process everything a little more and I realized that I never really had any "dreams" of what I wanted out of life. I think I had them when I was young and for me..having a husband and a family was my dream. Not that that isn't worthy and wonderful..but I am now realizing there is so much more..I wanted that dream because that was what my mother did and I did a lot of things in my 20's because it was what was expected of me. I stayed local..didn't even move more than 3 miles from my parents and sister. Again..can be a very good thing, but what I REALLY wanted was to move away, travel, explore this country and others. I only just started to think about what I REALLY want..not what my parents think is best for me, not what my kids want (although I do consider this some as I am till raising a 14 year old), and not what ANYONE else thinks I should do. Both of my "exes" often called me selfish because I only thought of myself..that isn't true..they were just mad that I wasn't consumed 24/7 with them. I always put them and my kids first...I did a few things for myself..but I always had to make it all work with everyone else's needs and schedule. My husband could easily get me to start feeling guilty if I went out or away from home to have some "ME" time.
I am very excited about my future...I don't want to feel sad anymore, I don't want to care about how my husband is feeling, or my ex-boyfriend..they "don't have any power over me" anymore!! For me to not care about these two men..HUGE habit to change...focusing on me is really hard, but I am sick of focusing on them. I still have a ways to go..it is very weird to not have a man in my life to focus on...it has been a habit for me constantly for the past 30 years. BUT, I am determined to have my celebrations..and it is exciting and a little scarey...to realize that the whole world is available to me. I just decided tonight to take a cooking class and then I want to learn woodworking..two things I can take for minimal cost at a local community college. I am gonna do it before I talk myself out of it and chicken out:)
Thanks again for your JOYS...we all need to hear them and it gives me hope that joys are coming my way...I know they are..I can already feel it..that light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter!
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Post by Rory on Nov 10, 2014 18:46:00 GMT
That's awesome, Karen. I can relate to having to figure out what I wanted, instead of what my parents or HE would want me to do. When I first left my focus was of course on working and feeding and taking care of my kids, who were 5, 4 and 6 months, so that took up pretty much all of my time. Then a few months in, I found myself at home--a 600 square foot, 1 bedroom cabin with a loft, which a friend of the family was kind enough to rent to me for practically nothing. It sounds crazy, since I'm now in a place about 4 times that size, but I still miss it sometimes. Anyway, I had put the kids to bed, and I was sort of mindlessly cleaning an already-clean house, because that's what I did with my ex. If I sat down too long, he'd find some imperfection and accuse me of shirking my duties. So as I was cleaning that day, I came to the realization that I didn't have to do this! I could do whatever I wanted! But what DID I want to do? It was a question I couldn't answer. So I went and reorganized my closet. Haha. It wasn't something I enjoyed, but being idle felt wrong. Fortunately, I had a great counselor who helped me get through that and rediscover my passions--and the simple joy of sitting down and reading a book in silence. Until I finally got to where I could choose to do something just for me and not feel any guilt about it. I think that's a feat for any single mom, but even more so for us abuse survivors. It wasn't overnight, by any means, but I got there, and you will too.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 11, 2014 14:06:01 GMT
I bet you miss that first place- even if it was small, it meant 'freedom' and it was the place YOU were in charge of!! It was a place that allowed you so slowly become comfortable with that new freedom-- and grow into the person you were always meant to be.
I remember I left the house my Ex and I shared in an amazing neighborhood, and for graduate school moved into the worst 'dump' student housing. I LOVED every second of it. My female roommate is still one of my best friends in life, and I even stayed Christmas home there by myself one year on purpose. It was my first Christmas out of the abuse, and I cooked myself a steak how I wanted it, watched my TV shows, really enjoyed my 4.0 GPA grade average in my first semester of the master's....and .....felt alive, myself, finally hopeful again-- and I started to feel like life could be ok again really.
Way to go Rory.
You have come a long way and even though you had an abuse experience, it did not define you, and how you believe in yourself.
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karen
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Post by karen on Nov 12, 2014 3:16:01 GMT
I agree with you both and so happy that you both came through some difficult times, it is amazing how that "freedom" feels so good and a little weird, but so worth it! My house is on the market and I am so excited to the thought of having my own place for my daughters and I..one that will stay clean because I want it too (my husband has hoarding tendencies and wouldn't clean if his life depended on it)..I will decorate it the way the girls and I want and no man is going to mess it up! It means downsizing, but that is not a bad thing. I am trying to be patient about the house..God's plan will reveal itself..I just have to trust and be patient that it will happen! You both have given my hope! I bought a set of Mason Jars yesterday to use as glasses..it will go with my Southwest decor which I am very excited about..I have a lot of ideas and things I want to do to decorate! I really feel like the "fog is lifting"..I am hopeful!
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Post by darren on Nov 12, 2014 10:29:31 GMT
This is lovely and inspirational to read. The freedom that comes with making choices for yourself and free from guilt that "it's just for yourself" truly makes for new chapters. Not feeling the pressure to explain yourself, withdrawing from expectation and choosing your own personal care and however long it takes (i'm still working on this) to not feel the need to offer the abuser care also. So great to hear you've managed this!
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 12, 2014 14:27:57 GMT
I really like your statement "Not to feel the need to offer the abuser care also" Darren. Very well said!
It is true for many people who experience abuse, that often an abuser who threatens suicide or anything else they pull out of the sleeve, makes you worry about HIM, trying to help HIM (or in cases of male victims of course 'Her') -- instead of caring about the real victim of this situation.
Society does the same in many ways- but I see changes even compared to five years ago. It makes me hopeful, and I am glad there are so many shelters and free services out there now.
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