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Post by A on Nov 7, 2014 17:01:20 GMT
I think I'm at that point now where I don't want to be in it anymore, I don't get excited too see him anymore and when I do see him I just want it go as quick as possible, I don't feel loved anymore and I know love is something I'll never get from him. I don't want a future with him anymore, I get more joy when I'm on my own. But I'm scared to be on my own, I'm scared to let go cause of the outcome. I don't know what's going to happen to me.
I know he won't be bothered if I was to leave, that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. I have decided I am going to find a good cousillor and then once I'm ready tell my mum everything. Because I can't continue to live like this, each day I just want to love my life the best I can but I'm being hold back by what I now know isn't love.
I'm proud of myself, that I've made it this far on my own and carry on to do.. And I'm proud I'm making a stand for myself and every women going throgh abuse. To let them know their is an end to their pain and no storm lasts forever.
I just don't see myself coping with it anymore. I want out. And I know it'll be th best decision for me and I'll be so much happier and content with my life
Try and regain relationships with friends, if they'll let me.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Nov 7, 2014 21:40:07 GMT
Hi A..so glad you shared this..I know you are scared..your "normal"is changing and it is frightening at first..I am proud of you too! There is nothing easy about any of this..but one thing I know.."no contact" is the best! even though it hurts like heck. My ex boyfriend doesn't have a clue to the fact that he is abusive..he denied it quickly..but they usually don't see it..if they did then they probably would gain some insight and perhaps become a better human. My spouse would definitely disagree..he too lacks a ton of insight to his issues. BUT it is amazing to me how similar my ex-boyfriend and my almost ex-husband are..it is actually scarey. BUT it also gives me insight to the fact that I am attracted to the wrong men..that is work I need to do to be wiser!
Keep going..keep coming here for support as you need it..I have really made good progress on my journey to being self-discovery and healing! The women here are amazing and I learn something new that is so helpful each time! Hang in there..you will make it..you are already on your way!
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Post by Lana on Nov 7, 2014 23:06:35 GMT
Yes i agree no contact , i would even just turn of your phone clear your mind and soul. no worries and just surround yourself with positive people who love you.
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janine
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Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Nov 7, 2014 23:59:15 GMT
Hey A,
It sounds like you feel a lot more clear about how this abuse will never end, and that leaving has become a more real option.
Remember the DV hotline and a counselor can be great resources right now. You do not have to sit alone with your fears.
We are here for you no matter what you do!
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Post by A on Nov 8, 2014 9:08:46 GMT
Hi ladies.
I'm almost getting their and I'm proud of myself for that. although my heart is breaking and I'm literally dying inside I hide it until I'm ready to tell my mum the truth. Which the truth is coming soon. It always does.
When it's all over, I'll make sure I surround myself with people I love and care about, I'm scared but I guess that is normal.
Thank you again. X
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 8, 2014 13:38:11 GMT
Hi A..one thing that really hit home to me..is how "addictive" my ex-boyfriend is. He really was a drug for me. I am on a "retreat" right now, visiting my BFF in the very beautiful state of Maine..it is so peaceful here and I am miles away from the craziness of my life. But in talking to my BFF last night, I recounted my story with my husband and my ex boyfriend, she asked me "with all that was happening, why didn't you leave?" I told her.."I was addicted to him"..I thought I loved him in every way possible and was thinking that everything I was doing was what I was "supposed" to be doing when you love someone. The chemistry in our brains really changes..I didn't want to leave..I wanted to make it work because the good times were really good. I see now though, that I was still trying very hard to make the square peg fit into a round hole..that is how I have lived my life for the past 30 years..it is time to stop that behavior on my part. I know why I do it..it is just changing a habit. I know your heart is breaking, my broke so much..I have never felt that kind of pain before..childbirth didn't hurt that much  I too learned that those people I have love and trusted my whole life..they are the people who matter, giving them up for my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend..so not worth it..they are real and they love me the way loving others should be...unconditionally. My exes have no idea what that word means. My family and friend also know about "forgiveness"..the exes don't. Here is a good motto to live by today..I am keeping this in mind. "LET GO OR BE DRAGGED"..Katie Holmes said this in People Magazine recently. She left Tom Cruise 2 years ago..I suspect he was abusive...she isn't allowed to talk about their relationship, but that is my theory. "LET GO OR BE DRAGGED"..gonna keep that in my mind today. Have a good one! |
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Post by TWP on Nov 8, 2014 13:47:11 GMT
Hi A, I am very fresh and raw with all of this too, but wanted to wish you all the strength and happiness. It is very painful and difficult, but it is worth it, you are worth it and deserve to be safe and happy.
Karen speaking about quotes, reminded me of the one that I have been using. If I remember rightly, it comes from Labyrinth (which I watched in my teens), the line was 'You have no power over me!' I repeated that over and over when I was struggling, and expect to be using it over and over for some time yet.
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Post by A on Nov 9, 2014 21:29:26 GMT
Thanks ladies for all your replies. Seriously means a lot.
I just don't even know where my heads at, I'm 18 I want to live my life again. I want to be able to go out with my friends without having to message my boyfriend every second of the day. Without him asking me who I'm with, where I am 24/7. It's a proper strain to my life.
It's just a constant barrier, and in always thinking about his feelings and his actions to my decisions. Rather than thinking about my own.
You're right, I am addicted to him. I'm scared to be on my own but I'm old enough and smart enough to realise now when I'm on my own, I'll be a happier person. It'll probably hurt like hell at first but in the long run I'll be so much happier.
I am going to a cousillor, going to contact my doctor tomorrow and ask him to refer me, but I'm scared. I don't know how to tell the cousillor about what I'm going through without her getting other people involved. This is what's put me off for sometime, I know about safe guarding and my situation isn't one that Cousillors can ignore. But I need them to ignore it, and not tell anyone else until I'm ready too.
I'm taking a big big step, and I know I need too. The day is dawning on me when I leave him for good. I just need that final push to get their.
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janine
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Admin
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Post by janine on Nov 9, 2014 23:56:21 GMT
Hey A,
I am glad you took this big step to schedule an appointment with a counselor soon. If you are 18 and therefore legally an adult, your counselor will never EVER involved 'other people'. I can understand your fear but you do not need to worry about that.
Like a lawyer or doctor, a counselor or therapist is by law forbidden to talk about whatever it is you say or do during the therapist/client session.
This means whatever it is you are telling him/her is highly confidential. There are exceptions- let's say you have been a criminal and the court is investigating your background. In this case in many countries it is legal for a therapist to share information about you in court. But only then.
Google 'warning signs of a bad counselor' to know what to NOT expect, and then also 'signs you have a good counselor'.
If it feels right, it is right.
I was VERY nervous before I saw my first counselor, and not sure what to expect or if it would help - however, once you got yourself into the office, and got through that first session, or maybe two-- you will be looking forward to it. Now I consider seeing my counselor a gift and a luxury. I look forward to it every time, and I am sad thinking about he might retire in a few years and then I cannot see him, should I need to see him.
I leave feeling lighter, stronger, ....relieved. As if someone sits with me to share my heavy burden and I feel lighter, more hopeful and more like myself again.
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I too learned that those people I have love and trusted my whole life..they are the people who matter, giving them up for my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend..so not worth it..they are real and they love me the way loving others should be...unconditionally. My exes have no idea what that word means. My family and friend also know about "forgiveness"..the exes don't. Here is a good motto to live by today..I am keeping this in mind. "LET GO OR BE DRAGGED"..Katie Holmes said this in People Magazine recently. She left Tom Cruise 2 years ago..I suspect he was abusive...she isn't allowed to talk about their relationship, but that is my theory. "LET GO OR BE DRAGGED"..gonna keep that in my mind today. Have a good one!