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Post by Anne on Nov 6, 2014 23:25:34 GMT
I have been in my relationship for 8 years, I really thought he was the love of my life. But gradually he changed until now I know I am living with someone not only violent but also mentally ill. He has irrational mood swings and a terrible temper, not only with me but also with old friends and work colleagues. One of them even asked me if he was on medication? I freely admit I am a total coward and afraid to leave! I worry about everything ! Money,what my life will be like? Just so scared
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steve
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Post by steve on Nov 7, 2014 4:49:26 GMT
Hi, Anne!
It is totally normal to be afraid to leave, and it doesn't make you a "coward!" A wise person once said that you can't be brave until you're afraid. Bravery is not the absence of fear, it's the ability to face it.
He sounds like he's got a lot of problems, and my guess would be that they didn't just gradually emerge - they were there all the time, and he just gradually let you see them, a bit at a time. Abusive people tend to work that way - they start out being very charming and lovely and wonderful and then gradually, bit by bit, get you used to accepting more and more of their crazy behavior until you wonder what happened and whether it's your fault or something happened to him. It's actually a strategy for most of them, something they have done before that works - they have learned how to be charming, but once they feel they have you under control, they can't keep it up any more, or else realize they don't need to.
So it sounds like you're thinking about leaving, but it feels overwhelming. Also normal. What I have usually recommended is to start with one thing at a time. Let's say, where will I live? Work up a bunch of possible answers to that question - friends, family, shelters, our own apartment, whatever? You work that one out, imagine some solutions, and then you pick the next one, and so on. It's easier when you take one thing at a time than to try and figure it all out at once.
I also wonder if you're worried what he would do if you left. This is also a very common worry, and with good reason - abusers often escalate when they think you're leaving. They either become threatening, or sometimes they act all pitiful and sad and threaten suicide and that sort of thing in order to make you feel sorry for them. They beg forgiveness and make it seem like you're a heartless witch for leaving them in the lurch, even though their own behavior caused it.
It's a hard, hard thing to leave any relationship, and it's 10 times harder with an abuser, because they'll do whatever they can to try and stop you. I invite you to post about what you're worrying about most and we'll see if we can help.
So sorry you have to go through this!!!!
---- Steve
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