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Post by jaded on Oct 31, 2014 15:22:00 GMT
New here and feeling unsure. Still in relationship. Trying to end things. Scared and worried. Blame myself. He is insanely jealous and blames me and accuses me of everything. Not sure what to do. He lied the whole first year and half about who he was. Just need a safe place to talk through it. Thank you.
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Post by crystal on Oct 31, 2014 22:11:43 GMT
Hi Jaded
Welcome to the forum, you have come to the right place. I understand how scared you must be at the moment. Are there any Domestic Abuse help where you are to help you leave?
We are all hear for you on the board to listen as to how much or how little you want to say to us. This is a safe place and we will do all we can to help.
Take care just now and trust me this is a safe place where you will get support and understanding,
take care and hope you will feel able to post more soon x
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185 
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 22:55:08 GMT
We are here....whenever you feel ready. My Ex was jealous and blamed me too- and lied about a lot of things as well. This is a safe place for whenever you feel comfortable and ready to share.
Diane gave you outstanding advice here and I bet you will receive tons more from other members as well.
Please make sure your internet connection is safe, and that he has no way of tracking your internet history etc. Abusers love to stalk their partners online.
Deep breaths, hang in there. It get's better as soon as you start reaching out. In cases of emergency please call the police (if safe...) and otherwise use a safe phone to reach out to a local or national DV hotline. You wont have to tell them your name or anything- just talk about what you feel ok and they offer you free support services.
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Post by jaded on Nov 3, 2014 15:59:15 GMT
Thank you all
Weekend was rough. We had his daughter with us this weekend, he constantly questions her to see if I say anything about any other men, it is insane. I have always been faithful to him so I suppose I do not understand why he questions. He lied about how many times he has been married, all the cheating that took place in each of his marriages and ultimately I than found out he is still married. He initially told me he was divorced for 3 years. A year into our relationship I received a msg from his wife, on facebook, letting me know they were separated but still married. She than proceeded to tell me how abusive he was with each of the ex wives. I am close with his kids, my kids do not like him. His children have told me a lot as well. I just feel foolish b/c I believed him to begin with.
He has been physically abusive 3 times in 2 years. The verbal and emotional is worse. The belittling and the way he speaks to me has been observed by friends and they have spoken with me about him. I do not talk to others about it. He drinks a lot. I saw some red flags at the beginning, brushed them aside. I wanted to believe he was who he said he was. Now, my eyes are wide open.
I do not work on the computer when he is around. I do change passwords frequently on phone and computer. I work in the legal field with attorneys and law enforcement so I do have access to resources. Now I just need to take the step and end it. Is hard, I hoped and believed. I have invested a lot into the relationship. I feel completely stupid.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 3, 2014 21:39:19 GMT
Hi Jaded, i too felt stupid, I kept wondering how I didn't see all that was there right in front of me, I am not good at admitting that Red Flags are present. Your boyfriend sounds like my ex-boyfriend. He lied to me a lot, he would confess when he either felt like it or for some reason he wanted me to know. I don't think it was because he knew he was wrong. I am so sorry that some truths are coming out, they are hard to hear, but on the other hand, I think it is good that his wife reached out to you..I wish my ex-boyfriends wife had done that to me..I probably would have left sooner. I have since sent her a message on facebook and several other people that my ex knows to let them know what he is really like, but somehow I get the feeling they already know and don't want to be involved. I am not "friends" with any of them. I have made some efforts to reach out on a dating website to warn them of his behavior..they kicked him off the website, so I feel a little better about that..no one has responded which makes me disappointed because I don't believe that I am the first person he has done this to.
I too felt foolish, but I have learned that part of the abusive process is what I call "Bait and switch"..my ex hooked me so fast, and with so much "love" and kindness, I honestly thought I had found the love of my life that I have been looking for, for 30 years. I was so wrong, and then so angry that I fell for his charms and dreams of our future together. I was never hit, but I too believe the emotional toll it takes on women is absolutely horrendous, BUT i am learning everyday that I can heal from this, that I can go forward and be whole again. It is a process, one that takes time and perseverance. I am determined to be a survivor, not a victim.
Honestly, the best help for me has been this website and calling my local Domestic Violence hotline, I attend a support group and have started 1;1 counseling with a great counselor. I am learning so much about myself too..why am I "attracted' to men who want to control me and hurt me? I have been in 3 relationships that all had "abusive" tendencies..each one a little different..but there is a common theme about all of them. My ex boyfriend was the worst and it was then that I learned what abuse is and looking back I can see that these men in my life all were not good for me, would belittle me, control me, contribute to my feeling bad about myself, and with all of them, i felt "crazy" at one time or another. It is a pattern of behavior. It is not love, it is abusive, and all of these men I was with do not have respect for other people in general and particularly women. I didn't want to see it and I got very good at accepting these men..none of them deserved my kindness, they all hurt me in some way and didn't think twice about it. I got some good digs in myself, but I will bet none of these men felt bad about themselves, none of them thought they were crazy, and all of them thought they were completely right in putting me down, ignoring me, belittling me, and hurting me.
All of my exes had failed relationships..multiple ones. I have been enlightened and I am determined to go forward. Please keep coming to this website whenever you need to, I stumbled upon this website and I believe the good Lord above found it for me..HE knew what I needed. Everyone here is so helpful and we all have had similar experiences, no one judges, everyone understands. Each day for me is a challenge..but I can say the feelings I have lessen everyday a little bit, I am going forward..that in itself is something I celebrate and I am all about celebrating those little victories! Very important!
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