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Post by Abiel on Oct 29, 2014 23:34:57 GMT
Hi,
I just came upon this website and it's been incredibly insightful and has helped me make sense of some of the things I'm deling with. I ended a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship about 3 months ago. To give you a brief background of my story - my cousin who lives in the US introduced me to my ex while I was over in the states for my sister's wedding. When I say introduced, I didn't physically meet him...we spoke on phone and hit it off immediately. I knew I liked him a lot just from my first conversation as he seemed a lot different and genuinely interested in me than most guys I had either been introduced to or met. From then on, after I got back to London, he would call me everyday sometimes several times a day. He immediately made plans to come visit me over from the states within about about a month of our talking and came over 2months later. Things were great at first and he was the perfect gentleman and made me feel special. He spent only a week as he's a medical doctor currently doing his residency so didn't have a lot of holidays. Anyway, with time as we continued talking on phone, we started arguing a lot over different things but I attributed it to normal fighting between couples. I noticed that he would get angry easily or say derogatory things about women which made me uncomfortable and I tried voicing my concerns a few times but he would always brush it off. One of the things we started fighting a lot about was sex. I'm a virgin and I told him from the beginning that I was saving myself for marriage as it is in line with my beliefs and he said he accepted that. But over time, it became a problem. He talked a lot about sex and things he wanted to do to me and my body and there were times when I didn't mind but other times that I felt very uncomfortable but he would tell me things like do i not want him to want me sexually that it's good and do I want him looking at other women etc, so I let it continue as I thought he must be right.
About 4 months into our relationship, I went over to the states to see him and that was when things really took a turn for the worse. We went on holiday and towards the end of our trip he started acting very odd and basically gave me the silent treatment and wouldn't open up. Eventually when he did, he said lots of hurtful things about how I was cold, I didn't love him, he felt alone though I was still there, sexual intimacy is important to him etc. he basically made me feel very guilty about refusing to have sex with him. I was so hurt and crying a lot, confused and thinking I must be cold as he said. He even at one point said we would have to come to some sort of compromise since I wasn't giving him any I.e either let him be with someone else or give in to him one way or another. I felt trapped and felt like I had to compensate for not sleeping with him so we engaged in some sexual activity which went beyond what I was comfortable with but I didn't really like I could say no at that point as he was wearing me down. The fights still continued pretty much throughout my stay and his outbursts were unpredictable with him becoming increasingly abusive although he would later apologies and tell me that I said or did some thing that reminded him of an ex or caused him to get upset.
Cut a long story short, I came back to the UK and went into depression when it really began to dawn on me that my relationship wasn't normal or healhy. I couldn't believe all these things were happening to me. I'd always been the one sticking up for friends and advising them through abusive relationships and here I was in one. With the help of my friend and my mentor at work, I emailed him about needing a 2 week break to think about the direction we were headed. After the 2 week break I ended it. The relationship left me feeling broken and emotionally depleted. I now have an underlying anxiety and fear of men that I didn't have before. One of my biggest fears now is not becoming victim to this type of relationship ever again. Which is what brings me to my subject line....deja vu.
I recently started talking to another guy who....wait for it, is a medical doctor and lives in the US as well (talk about once beaten, twice shy?). I met his brother 3years ago when I was visiting another cousin in the states and he had talked about introducing us and took my details buti never heard anything else of it. Recently (in sept), this guy adds me on Facebook and eventually called me. I was very apprehensive about speaking to him at all but I'm trying not to let my past experience dictate my life in the sense that I don't want to live in fear yet I know I have to be cautious. We've now spoken a few times and I have told him a bit of my past relationships and the similarities between him and my ex (there's a lot more similarities in terms of background) which I haven't mentioned on here. he's made it clear that he wants to be to know me and he's attracted to me but he's not in a hurry and he understands what I've been through. A part of me feels like I'm emotionally detached after my experience yet another part of me gets very emotional talking about what happened. I can't see myself being in another long distance relationship but I'm also trying not to be biased and assume that all men are the same or he's the same as my ex, even thou he reminds me of him because of their similar backgrounds and past experiences although he seems a lot more mature and sincere. I've told him I can be friends with him but I can't be more at this stage.
Is it even wise for me to be talking to him? Am I walking down the same path again? It really does feel a bit spooky....
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Post by HH Lindsey on Oct 30, 2014 0:08:52 GMT
I would suggest you get hold of a copy of the Jerk Radar by Steve (look in the bottom section of this forum or the bookshelves on Hidden Hurt to order copies. I think that might very well help you at this stage. St shows what to look out for in the early stages of getting to know someone and what to look out for. Even includes little test at the end of the chapter so that you can easily see whether someone has a tendency towards entitlement or other less desirable traits. Just because there are similarities, does not necessarily mean you will end up in the same situation. Just be careful, learn form your previous experience, go in having already read the book so prepared to face the harder questions and be able to see past the facade, and above all, judge your gut instinct! Let us all know who it goes  Lindsey xx |
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Post by HH Lindsey on Oct 30, 2014 0:11:34 GMT
The book I just mentioned: The long-awaited book from our very own Steve from the Hidden Hurt Message Forum has finally arrived! (well some time back, but am just getting around to popping it up here!) THE JERK RADARHave you ever gone out with someone who seemed perfect at first, but ended up being a nightmare? Do you find yourself falling in love but ending up feeling disrespected and used? Would you like to make sure that something like that never happens to you (or someone you care about) again? If so, this book is written for you. There are lots of books about how to tell if you're in an abusive relationship. This is book will keep you from getting into one in the first place. Jerk Radar will help you see how a Jerk takes advantage of common cultural expectations and romantic myths to blind you to his true intentions. It will give you concrete ways to test out his intentions in the course of a normal conversation. And the Jerk Radar Quiz provides an effective tool to screen every partner for Jerky tendencies well before obviously selfish behavior emerges. Full of true stories from abuse survivors, Jerk Radar pulls no punches in exposing what Jerks do and why we fall for it. This is a useful, down-to-earth, practical guide to avoiding a bad relationship instead of recovering from one. Read it today - it just may change your life! To order in the US: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before it Starts
To order in the UK: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before it StartsSteve McCrea, MS, has worked for over 20 years with survivors of domestic abuse and their children. He has participated in many local collaborative projects on domestic abuse, and has provided community trainings on working effectively with domestic abuse survivors. He currently works as an advocate for children in the foster care system. He has volunteered for the past 9 years as facilitator for an on-line abuse survivor community, whose members contributed most of the stories in the book. |
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Oct 30, 2014 3:52:25 GMT
Hi Abiel...I want to thank you for your story..it sounds similar to mine in the beginning..the kindness and all that. My ex..was my "Knight in Shining Armor"..he was the most wonderful man I had ever known. He turned into a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde after 2 months. I too thought it was just "normal couple stuff", except it started to have a pattern to it after 3-4 weeks. And I am a Christian..and I want to say saving yourself is a wonderful thing..I had only ever had sex with one man..my husband and I waited til I was 23. My husband was a mistake..that is another story for another day..but my ex-boyfriend would accuse me of things I NEVER would EVER do. It never made sense and it took me a long time to figure out what was going on.
One thing that helped me just recently is I read "Why Does He Do That"..by Lundy Bancroft..I find this book extremely helpful in identifying abusers and their type of behaviors. I absolutely could not believe that I was in an abusive relationship. I believed in my Heart and SOul that God had sent me my boyfriend..that he was "the one". I thought I was going crazy. It got worse over time. But that book helped!
ALso, I started to attend a support group at my local Domestic Violence Center..best thing I ever did AND today was my first 1;1 counseling appointment..ALSO best thing I did. I have a very strong fear of meeting MR. WRONG again. I confided in a male childhood friend of my situation, he started to act like my ex-boyfriend and I freaked out. Haven't talked to him in over a week..my JERK Radar was screaming at me.
I believe that there is a MR RIGHT FOR ME out there, but right now..I need to learn about me and focus on me, I can't give my heart to another man who I cannot trust to protect my heart. It isn't time for me..Think about that. I am also exploring who I am and some of the reasons I choose the "men" I choose. I ask myself "why"..I am learning where it all started and I have determined that I was raised with a very controlling father who I love til this day..but who has definite controlling issues and my mother is submissive at times and well lets say she tends to support him.
I want to be the best person I can be..I want to love me for now..and I want to be the best I can be for when it is time for me to love a man. I hope you find happiness. I can't tell you what to do..I guess just think about what is right for you right now. Taking time to heal is important.. the people on this website are the best..they can help, so glad you found them!
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Post by Abiel on Oct 30, 2014 10:39:25 GMT
Thanks Lindsey, I will check out the book. I think it's very important for every woman to know the warning signs of an abuser and when a relationship is/becomes abusive. I'm lucky that I was able to notice it on time, but even with the fairly short time I was with him, I still can't believe how much it affected me personally and my self confidence.
@karen, thanks got your encouragement. I'm also a Christian and my faith in Christ is what is getting me through all of this. I'm now in a much better place than I was a few months ago and I keep reminding myself of the way God sees me which is all that matters. One thing I am still struggling with though is the thoughts that keep coming back. The scenes keep replaying in my head and I can hear everything he said to me . I know they're all lies but I just want to stop thinking about it and move on. I'm learning to replace those thoughts with verses that speak life and hope for me.
Did you ever struggle with thinking maybe you overreacted? Sometimes I find myself thinking that and thinking that maybe I read too much into his actions. It was so confusing! I still think about him and there are times I've been tempted to contact him, not to get back together but just to find out how he's doing. It was really hard for me to cope with when we first broke up as I felt I lost a friend and still feel like I do but I know it's a dangerous game contacting him.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 23:12:47 GMT
Oh yes, thinking you overreacted is a very normal reaction because of the traumatic nature of your experience. I believe everyone felt that at least a few times when dating an abuser.
The reason is they are so good at lying and manipulating, making you feel guilty for the abuse they cause. It also causes a cognitive dissonance in your brain- because your brain tries to make sense of something that does not make sense.
We do not live in a just world-- my counselor once explained to me when i wondered something similar.
This means that bad things do happen to good people- for no reason. You did not cause it-- it was never your fault.
Your ex boyfriend sounds very abusive and it scares me how fast his abuse escalated. You dodged a bullet there for sure!
We are here if you need an ear.
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karen
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Post by karen on Nov 1, 2014 4:10:42 GMT
Hi Abiel..yes I think all the time that I over-reacted, that maybe I made this all up in my head, like maybe all the stuff my ex-boyfriend accused me of is true. BUT, then I self talk myself into reality and know that I didn't do any of that. My ex-all the things he did fit into a very elaborate puzzle that I NEVER saw coming. I am learning that I couldn't have prevented it as he appeared very NORMAL for the first few months. BUT the more I review our relationship..those pieces continue to fit way to well.
One of the things my counselor told me during my session is that "your head and heart are not on the same page, it can take a while, your head is angry and still trying to figure it out, your heart is hurting, craving, wanting to be held". Your head tells you that the man you want is so wrong for you, so hurtful, and if he does hold you it will be for his benefit, not yours." My head and heart are definitely in two different places and it is very hard to reconcile them..it is a process, one I am only able to work on 1 hour at a time.
One thing that rings true for me.."when you feel like you are drowning in life's situations, remember your LIFE GUARD..walks on water". I pray everyday for the energy and courage to let go of the pain, the hurt, the anger and the hate that I feel. A little bit goes each day.
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Post by crystal on Nov 1, 2014 15:17:55 GMT
Hi Abiel
I used to think I was over reacting all the time and it was like the abuse was normal in some way as it had been going on for so long and he had me so dependent on him. Once I left and began the no contact with him, I began to think clearer and realise what he had done to me was so wrong and that I deserved better than that. So glad you managed to get out, now you can get the life you deserve.
take care
Diane
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Post by confusedandhurt on Nov 1, 2014 20:07:07 GMT
Hi Abiel, I have to say some of what you wrote stood out to me as I could have written it myself.
A part of me feels like I'm emotionally detached after my experience yet another part of me gets very emotional talking about what happened.
I feel exactly the same, detached and fragile, I think this takes time.
One thing I am still struggling with though is the thoughts that keep coming back. The scenes keep replaying in my head and I can hear everything he said to me . I know they're all lies but I just want to stop thinking about it and move on
Did you ever struggle with thinking maybe you overreacted? Sometimes I find myself thinking that and thinking that maybe I read too much into his actions. It was so confusing! I still think about him and there are times I've been tempted to contact him, not to get back together but just to find out how he's doing. It was really hard for me to cope with when we first broke up as I felt I lost a friend and still feel like I do but I know it's a dangerous game contacting him.
Yes to all of this, my thoughts have manifested into dreams now, but I heard that bad dreams are a way of the mind cleansing itself, so I'm trying to feel positive after each dream rather than let it reduce me to tears.
I think a few of us here have said that we felt perhaps we overreacted, but as time moves on, and with reading all of the very good information that is out there you will begin to understand that his behaviour LED you to overreact, he WANTED that reaction, he was goading you. DOo you react like that usually? I guess not.
I like what Karen wrote, I think this is me at the moment
"your head and heart are not on the same page, it can take a while, your head is angry and still trying to figure it out, your heart is hurting, craving, wanting to be held". Your head tells you that the man you want is so wrong for you, so hurtful, and if he does hold you it will be for his benefit, not yours."
I definitely think your man was abusive, you should never ever be pressured into sexual activity, this alone is sexual abuse!!!!
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Post by Abiel on Nov 2, 2014 9:05:16 GMT
I'm so encouraged by all the responses on here. Thank you so much everyone, as much as we've all been through bad experiences, its comforting to know that I'm not alone in how I feel/felt and the thoughts that I keep having. janine you articulated exactly what was going on in my head. I kept trying to make sense of it all and I just couldn't! It was as if my brain couldn't process what was happening. I would think until I had migraines literally. Knowing there's a term for it makes sense now - cognitive dissonance. Karen I love what you said - my life guard walks on water. I will definitely be meditating on that one a lot thanks. confusedandhurt - I had bad dreams also! I thought it was bizarre that I was dreaming about him. And yes in answer to your question, I've never ever reacted that way at all. I felt like I was not myself and I was someone else. For me, I knew something was wrong when I started to realize I was losing myself and it was as if I couldn't recognise me. The sexual aspect of the relationship is one area I haven't been able to really talk about with anyone because I feel I played a part in it, I can't exactly say he forced me into anything but yet I feel like he was coaching me...anyway I've forgiven myself for he guilt and shame I felt and I don't feel guilty anymore. I'm choosing to look at everything as just part of the downs of life that we will sometimes come across. |
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 2, 2014 13:35:20 GMT
Exactly!! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. None of this was ever your fault.
The toxic shame is one of the toughest things to overcome when we deal with abusers- because they are so good at manipulating us into the guilt/shame trap. My ex manipulated me into not using protection and not having test him first for everything- which I would usually insist on and I had considered myself very responsible and intelligent before I met him. Somehow his pouting/criticizing/lying/tantrums/mood swings and all those tactics they use made me want to prove him I trust him -- and I forgot my own values and self respect and self love there for a while.
I also forgave myself- it took me a while and I had to really get to how I define 'forgiveness' - as I was used to only look at it from a religious point of view and I did NOT want to say: "It is ok, you are forgiven=forgotten= no justice and no consequences and you are off the hook"...but it really is not about that at all.
I did the "Forgiveness Challenge" that is online and created my archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter- and even though I liked it, I felt I could only do it if I renamed it for myself to "Acceptance Challenge"....
Because it may just be a linguistic thing- but working on 'accepting' my ex was an empty abuser who left hurt women left and right wherever he went, felt right and I could not use the word 'forgive' just yet. You might want to check it out if you are into meditation and a 'soft' mindful approach to topics like forgiveness, my therapist had recommended me that challenge and you can start it anytime by yourself online.
I first began with forgiving myself- you can do that too. I was surprised how much I had wanted to forgive myself for!!!! And let go off that shame I had carried around for so long. I also did 'repentance' like Timber Hawkeye did in his book "Buddhist Bootcamp" (it is not really a bootcamp drill book, nor is it really about buddhism but builds on some buddhist and other concepts and a very neat book to start my mornings off with after meditation).
That was also not in a religious way- but I wrote down one day everything I felt bad for, guilt, shame, things I felt that showed me over and over again I was a 'failure/loser' and then I forgave myself for all of them. I read the list out a few times slowly and by myself- then I ended up burning it when I felt it was time to really let go off my own imperfections and how I would be so hard on myself.
I think abusers can really take advantage of someone who is very open to improving themselves- which is really an amazing!!! character trait if you look at it. Now I am proud that I reflect on my own behavior and wonder how others feel around me. My ex will never do that. But I also learned where to draw a line and to expect more. Abusers know good people have a good heart, and want to 'do right' and when they create this situation of power imbalance by pushing your buttons, it can really change how you act and talk for a while. I did not recognize myself at the end of this relationship, and I remember I wrote a poem a few weeks after getting out- and it was about the night I finally decided I HAD to leave him.
That night he had been extremely abusive and luckily he was so drunk he fell asleep upstairs, which left me enough time to grab a few documents and run out the door- but right before I chose to run, I looked in the bathroom mirror at myself-- and the woman that looked back at me...wasn't me. It scared me so much- and I think that moment I really learned what it means to love yourself and care about your own health and soul and body. I named the poem 'Woman in the Mirror" and I wonder if I have it somewhere- but most likely not as it's been so long.
Here are a few books that helped me realize that sometimes I really prefer now to come across 'rude' -- if it means I put myself first and declare to myself my self-love and self-respect mean more to me than some strange man who met me by accident and whom I really do not know or owe ANYTHING.
- The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker
-Buddhist Bootcamp by Timber Hawkeye
- Where to draw the line by Anne Katherina
-Who's pulling your strings by Harrriet Braiker
If I were to teach an abuse 101 class to teenagers, I would probably use a mix of
Jerk Radar by Steve McCrea
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker
As for the bad dreams- time will put new experiences into your brain and those dreams do go away- slowly over time less and less. Sometimes certain things or events can trigger a dream here and there years later, but usually when I have the occasional dream about my ex I forget about him very soon too again and go about my daily life.
Now it is really like the police officer who picked me up the night I ran away told me: This will all be nothing but a bad memory one day. You have an entire life ahead of you.
And I remember sitting in that police car, nodding and trying to be brave- but inside I thought: "Yeah, must be soooo easy for you to say that officer. YOU have a good job, house and home, I have nothing since I ran away and he destroyed my property- and I am left with the broken pieces and frankly, I feel like I am going crazy and everyone knows about this too-- so I will NEVER have a normal life ever again. It is over."
Years later I wish I could go back and hug that girl- and tell her it WILL be ok. It will be hard, but it will be ok and a 'normal' life is possible after abuse.
High five for dodging the bullet with that guy- and continue your great attitude towards self-love and dropping that shame. It was never yours to carry- that is HIS backpack, and his alone.
You are very strong and did everything right by leaving him and assuming it was abuse.
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