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Post by A on Oct 29, 2014 14:26:34 GMT
Hi everyone, A again. Thank you all for your kind words and supporting me through this tough time at the moment.
I am learning and finding the strength to try and leave my abusive partner, but on top of all that I am scared.
It's like id rather him do something which made me leave, either hurt me or wait for him to speak to another girl which could give me a way out. Instead of up and leaving.
I feel guilty for wanting to leave a almost 4 year relationship, but I know it's been over for a long time and don't wanna be this person anymore.
I seeked out help from his brother, complete mistake as he didn't help support me. I should of known better as he has been violent and abusive In the past. He rang my phone. But I ignored it because I knew what he would say.
I feel bad for leaving because at this moment, my boyfriend hasn't done anything directly to me. But everything he has done to me, I'm at breaking point. He probably wouldn't be bothered if I was to leave. I know the abuse hasn't fully stopped, it never will because he's saw that he can control me and gain power over me by being abusive.
I don't want to be trapped anymore, does this make me a bad person to potentially break his heart? I say potentially because it probably wouldn't even make him batter his eye lids ..
It's like I'm tryna kid myself by pretending I can cope, by going to college and work everyday, but I'm just making the situation hard on myself.
I don't know how my boyfriend would react if I up and left, and I'm positive it wouldn't just be left there. He wouldn't let me move on with my life, but my feelings have changed. I can't deny. I love him. Yes. With all of my heart. But I don't love him enough to think of a future with him anymore, the violence and abuse has changed me. It's changed us.
I used to want a future with him, marriage, children but I know I couldn't now, I know it wouldn't work. And I wouldn't want children with him knowing what he is like as a person. Hence why his brother is the same way.
Him and his older brother who is 28 are exactly the same, his brother is violent and also abusive to everyone around him. His brother calls me a bitch all the time and tells me I'm no good to be apart of his 'muslim' family. I disagree. I'm not good enough because I wouldn't tolerate abuse and control for the rest of my life. I refuse too, god didn't put me on this earth to be abused, or controlled by anyone. I'm a human being, wth the right to freedom. I can't take it anymore.
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Post by been there on Oct 29, 2014 20:47:25 GMT
Hi A,
don't worry about breaking his heart if you leave, because he doesn't love you. There's nothing to break. His idea of love is possession, and in order to possess he has to frighten and hurt you into submission. That's not love. He loves possessing you, he doesn't love you. Do you understand the difference? Your are no more important to him than his TV. Ok, you are less important than his TV. if you leave, it'll upset his apple-cart for a while, and he'll probably beg and plead to get you back, and promise you the stars, moon and sun if you do, but it's not because he LOVES you, it's because he needs a slave to possess. If he can't control someone he feels out of whack. And it's easier to try to get you back because you've already been broken in than it is to find another willing slave to break in. It takes time, money and energy to find and break in a new victim. Trust me, as soon as he gets involved with another woman, you won't even be a blip on his radar. It'll probably take him about 2 weeks.
We love these men because when they want to be wonderful, they are the most wonderful people on the face of the planet. They are our knights in shining armor. Unfortunately, this is the phony side of them and is not who they really are. The real person is the person who DELIBERATELY and consciously hurts you. He will never and can never love you the way you love and want to be loved, all he will do is hurt you and not care. Put it this way, you love him and he loves himself. There is no room for you in the mix.
Run, don't walk out of his life and don't look back or feel guilty, because believe me, he doesn't feel guilty when he's hurting you. Remember, you deserve better than him, and he doesn't deserve you.
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Post by A on Oct 29, 2014 23:16:38 GMT
Hi been there. Hope you are well and okay.
I hear what you're saying and I completely take it all in.
I know I'm worth the equivalent of a rock to him, but my mind tells me different. It's a very confusing and difficult situation.
I wish I could run away to America and stay their for months. Find myself as a person, be free and find comfort with being on my own.
I need to purchase the books everyone keeps advising me to get. But it's abit risky to bring them to my house. so I'm trying to read them online, I read some of Lucy's book I think it was "why does he do that?" Online and I was shocked how much it related to my boyfriend. It was like she was writing directly about him.
But what gets me through most days, is this site. And knowing I'm not alone and people are going through or have been through a similar situation. I'm trying to stay straight headed at the moment because if I don't. I'll breakdown and they'll be no picking myself back up. I've had depression once before for 8 months and I can't go back to that place again, it was the worst experience of my life.
Thank ylu again, beenthere, it was nice to hear from you. X
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Post by thistle on Oct 29, 2014 23:42:08 GMT
I don't know your story, A, and I know if I start to read it, I will get too sad or depressed and probably won't write at all  You sound as though you have got his measure though and that is half the battle. The rest, well, you will get there. Once you recognise the abuse, it gets harder to be fooled. He will sense this and no doubt step up the abuse even more. As 'been there' said, he only loves himself so there is no heart to break. Can you imagine being in an abusers shoes? They love a person who is a total jerk. No wonder they cry about being depressed. You are right about not wanting children with him. He would use them against you eventually, and it would create a tie and complication you are better off without. Save your eggs for someone more worthy We each have a certain amount of days allotted to us in this life. Do you really want to waste them on someone who makes you unhappy? Good luck with whatever you decide but my advice is not waste another minute on this person. Don't wait for him to do something to justify your leaving. It sounds like he has already lost the rights to any further consideration on your part. |
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Post by been there on Oct 30, 2014 15:06:34 GMT
Hi Ladies, To A, I am well and wonderful. My ex abused me for 21 years. I left 16 years ago, and the healing process after the abuse was harder than coping with the abuse itself. We are our own worst enemies - the abuse does that to us. When we decide to leave, our abuser may be out of our life, but the abuse doesn't end there because we continue to beat ourselves up, emotionally. We have emotional scars and coping mechanisms that are very difficult to break. It's very scary to push yourself past your comfort zone to heal but that's what we need to do, unfortunately, if we truly want to heal. It took me 6 long, hard, desperate, petrifying years to get past the damage to where I started to like myself again, and you can do it, too. You'll get there. It takes a lot of "aha" moments and soul searching, and some truly caring and wonderful friends who will sometimes push you beyond your comfort zone, but you'll get there if you are determined. Don't push yourself too hard, don't set hard goals, and don't beat yourself up if you feel that you've relapsed. Look at everything as a learning curve, and whatever you think you've done wrong just remember it so that you'll know better what not to do next time. And even though it's been 16 years and I'm in a really good place, there are things about me that I still want to work on. It never ends. Call it fine tuning. Healing and growing after abuse is a long journey and a process, just like life. I don't think we're supposed to ever get it right in one lifetime, but we can learn from our mistakes and have a wonderful life. You're a hell of a lot stronger and smarter than you think you are and recognizing that he is abusive is the first step towards freedom. I think your mind is saying that you are worth the equivalent of a rock to him, but your EMOTIONS are saying otherwise. Listen to your mind. Emotions are fickle and sometimes aren't grounded in fact. You don't need to run away to anywhere to heal, honey. The healing starts within yourself, and you can do that anywhere. If you can't read those books that are recommended, then just continue to go on-line and read anything and everything you can about DV. If you can get to a library or a bookstore, do it. Many bookstores let you sit and read while there, so you don't even have to buy it. The other piece of advice I would give is that once you're out of this relationship, don't look to get into another romantic one right away. Work on building yourself up, and work on loving yourself. Now is the time to hang out with other women; find strong, supportive women who will help build you up and teach you independence. The stronger and more independent you are the less you will attract abusive control freaks - or fall for their bullsh*t. They steer clear of strong women because they know they can't control them. They can usually tell after a short while whether they can dominate you or not. That knight in shining armor you meet in the bar who sound too good to be true? You can bet that he's too good to be true. Stay away... Good luck. I know that when you're ready, you'll reach the decision that is right for you. |
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Post by A on Oct 30, 2014 22:27:59 GMT
Thank you everyone. Okay. So remember I told you about that "really nice guy" that made me feel important we've been friends for years.
We'll he completely turned on me and shown me traits my boyfriend has.
He messages me saying "I swear to god if I have to explain myself to you again that we're just friends I'll leave you alone for good mate"
So I explained to him I know we are friends, I would never take it more due to my situation. And then he replied with
"Good mate, it's your loss anyway, I'm letting you off. Let's start again as friends, if not you know where the door is and I'll hold it open for you"
So I ignores the message.
Any advice for what I do now? For when I see him in person? Because I have no idea anymore.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 22:44:37 GMT
Hey A,
One big sign that you are most likely experiencing abuse or at least severe control or pain caused by a boyfriend or husband, (or girlfriend/wife) is that you will have repeated - almost obsessed- thought about him. All of your energy that should go to education, fun times with friends etc. goes into wondering why he does whatever he does, when he does it.
Since you mentioned you are in college right now- and please excuse me if I dont remember if you said you saw a counselor there on campus already or not-- this might be a good time to make an appointment with the counseling department at your college. Services should be for free, but a quick call could help you find that out and also when you could go see someone.
It sounds like you are scared of physical or at least emotional consequences if you were to leave him. Counseling can also help you decide if you want to leave or if you would like to stay.
Sometimes all it takes is the one health professional, asking you all the right questions at the right time-- to better feel what YOUR needs are, and what a safe future for YOU would look like.
Hope that helped! Post anytime you feel alone or would like to be heard-- that is why we are here.
But keep in mind nothing compares to a good, licensed health professional.
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Post by A on Nov 1, 2014 0:24:56 GMT
Hi Janine and all the rest of the amazing ladies that have posted.
I am scared of the outcome if am honest, I can't lie. I am scared of being stalked by my partner, physically hurt. I am scared, a women in a abusive relationship is at her most risk of being hurt when trying to leave.
I'm scared.
At the moment my boyfriend keeps saying to me "you best not be doing anything you shouldn't be, or speaking to anyone you shouldn't be" "swear down on my life hope I die in my sleep your not speaking to anyone you shouldn't be"
From past experience this means he's doing something he shouldn't be, by trying to reverse the blame onto me. So he's probably doing something he shouldn't. Every 5 minutes. He's saying "I'll leave you if your doing anything you shouldn't be doing"
He knows I wouldn't dare, so I don't know where he's getting this from if am honest. I'm just fed up of having to answer to him. I should be able to speak to whoever I want too, freely and not feel guilty about wanting to have friends. Even if they are men. My intentions aren't to do anything wth them men, just to be friends.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 1, 2014 13:22:10 GMT
It sounds like this is really a good time for you to reach out to authorities. By that I also mean the DV hotlines that was mentioned a lot before- or a college counselor. I remember wondering for months about why my Ex did what he did--- and I went over it again, and again, and again.
Once I did reach out and told people who would help- like the police and a DV hotlines etc. and a trusted counselor, I felt a lot better. My Ex would also tell me a few times a day "You are leaving me now, aren't you?" and it scared me a lot. Please listen to your gut, and ONLY if you feel safe and are alone- maybe in class or at college- go and reach out for help.
The college should have a mental health unit with trained counselors and also a DV emergency program. Make sure your phone and computer you use are safe.
And yes, you are totally right- your basic human rights mean that you can talk to anyone, anytime you want. What he does is controlling you and keeping you really a hostage emotionally and physically. My Ex slowly started to be jealous of everyone else or have an 'issue' with ALL of my friends in the end- so that i woke up one day and wondered where I forgot to take the exit on the highway and how I got to where i was.
It is not easy to leave, but eventually it leads you to a safe and good life.
Staying will never lead to that place.
That was ultimately my conclusion after months of wondering about what to do and if to leave or not.
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Post by crystal on Nov 1, 2014 15:12:45 GMT
Hi A
As Janine said its not easy to leave, but does lead you to a safer life and helps you along the journey of deciding what you want from life. My ex used to control who I saw as well or he would call me constantly when I was out with friends, never to say come home but it always made me feel I had to. I hope you manage to reach out to a DV support - they will help you to leave and give you support. It was the best thing I ever did talking to someone. It took me a long time but was so worth it in the end.
take care
Diane
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Post by A on Nov 2, 2014 22:21:59 GMT
Hi Janine & Dianem.
I'm figuring out it's harder to leave each day I leave it, I just don't know if I have to strength to do it. I've been speaking to my friend who I see like a sister, she's in a similar situation to me, in a way and she says herself your boyfriend will never change. She is my boyfriends brothers wife, and my boyfriend and her husband are brothers and they are the exactly the same as each other.
We both get told it's because we are white, Ect she is 28. And has 3 children to him. Where as I don't have any. She tells me to leave before it's too late and I want her to come with me. I can't leave her to deal with it on her own and it makes me feel bad because we've both been trapped by this family that doesn't care whether we're being hit and hurt by their sons or not.
It's scaring me. And I know I should speak to someone, but if I went into college. It wouldn't be kept private which I want it to be at the moment.
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