janine
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Post by janine on Oct 25, 2014 22:43:37 GMT
Hey everyone,
just a quick one- I have been in a car accident today (not my fault, a truck rear ended me) and everything is ok, and has been checked out in the ambulance and ER,
but I will not be able to have computer screen time for a few days.
Life is short and fragile- it really is.
Cannot wait to come back in a week!
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Post by Rory on Oct 25, 2014 23:42:13 GMT
Janine, I'm so sorry to hear about your accident. You're right--life is so fragile. I hope you're feeling okay and I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we can't wait to see you back in a week! Take care of yourself. You do so much for so many people.
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Post by confusedandhurt on Oct 26, 2014 8:46:35 GMT
I'm sorry to hear about your accident, and I hope you are ok. I echo Rory and want to thank you for all the support that you have given me.
Be good to see you back soon, take care. x
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karen
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Post by karen on Oct 27, 2014 3:45:39 GMT
Janine,,OMG..so sorry to hear of your accident..been there myself at one time! Please know you are in my thoughts and a speedy recovery to you! Rest and take it easy! Life is fragile...you are so right. We are here for you..take care!
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Post by HH Lindsey on Oct 29, 2014 4:43:43 GMT
Hope you feel better soon.
Lots of love, Lindsey
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 0:37:15 GMT
Thanks so much for the kind messages all of you!!!
I missed checking in and just had a quick read of all new posts and will take time to reply over the weekend with fresh eyes.
And thanks for keeping things running while I was out Lindsey,
good to see you stopping by here again and lots of love your way too!
I am more or less back on the horse ....aka Chevrolet Impala.... the nice rental car guy gave me for the time we wait to hear about my own car. And Karen, I bet you can relate to the odd feeling of having experienced a car accident. I really look at them differently now.
Cannot wait to jump back on the board tomorrow morning- now off to an ibuprofen induced night sleep.
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Post by crystal on Oct 31, 2014 10:38:00 GMT
Hi Janine
I was sorry to hear about your accident and hope you are still recovering well. Be good to see you back on board, but remember to take care of yourself at this time.
Diane x
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 22:12:31 GMT
Thanks so much diane!!!!
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Post by crystal on Oct 31, 2014 22:29:03 GMT
You are welcome, just mind and take care of you as well of us. You are such a great person and your responses are so helpful. I try but mine are not as good as yours, but I care
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karen
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Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 3, 2014 21:15:58 GMT
Hi Janine, glad you are feeling better and taking care of yourself! Yes, I was in an accident about 2 years ago..my spouse was driving my car and it wasn't his fault, but I still got tremendously angry with him for driving the way he did. I have always had issue with his driving and his unwillingness to yield to other cars..he feels they are invading his space and he isn't giving up that space for anything, so WHAM, we get hit from behind. We only have one car..it is mine. That triggered such anger in me, that he really hasn't driven my car since and won't ever in the future.
I will never forget that sound.
I am just glad you are on the mend! So glad you are here for us, your experiences and support are so valuable..I am inspired by you, it gives me hope knowing that others have gotten through these tough times..I can too!
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 3, 2014 22:06:39 GMT
Karen, Thanks for the kind message! I appreciate it a lot. I can relate to never forgetting that sound...I have been resting all of last week and did not leave the house much- which was nice in itself. Who does not love a good break  And yes, you will get through this tough time- just how many women before us did. And after us as well!!!! I remember on my date in court years ago- when I went to get my protection order, there was a designated DV waiting room. (yeah, that's how serious it is, courts give you a designated waiting area and they should!!!) and another woman was there with her father. We ended up chatting a bit and one thing stuck with me....she told me: "I am no longer afraid of him. That is long over. I am only here to adjust and add to my protection order and have it prolonged another 2 years." I thought that moment: I want to be at that point too. Years later- It really is nothing but a story. I tell it, I share it. Often without any emotions or feelings- it is just a narrative based on experience. There are moments when I feel 'something' about it--- but it is more like moments of self compassion. I realize how hard it was back then for me, and for that, I hug myself and thank myself because leaving is not easy But...past janine knew future janine would be better off- ....and she is In therapy actually I was invited to write a letter to my former, younger self back then...and it felt so freeing and so good. It is scary to brush with the dark sides of human existence. Not all people have good intentions. You lose a naivety- and become more aware of things. In a way it is a mindful awakening....not always very funny at first, but then you realize that once you have the gift of reading red flags early on, you can protect yourself better--- and I also dont think that journey ever ends. You just start being more mindful and put yourself first more often. If we all did that, we had less violence and war on our planet. It is the hardest thing to learn....that you can care alone for yourself- (with the support of a healthy community of course) and that you do not need some man to make you complete. It takes time...I was not ok back then but I am now. And I can only stress time is essential. Time does so much.... |
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karen
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Post by karen on Nov 4, 2014 4:41:44 GMT
Hi Janine, again thank you for your insights! I am learning so much about everything in life. I find myself sad some days at how that "naivety" you speak about is leaving my life. I was always very naive. I was talking to my BFF yesterday, and I was telling her how difficult things are right now, because I do not know my "role" in my life right now. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a wife and mother, it was my goal since I was a little girl. I think that is one of the reasons I searched so hard for a husband..and I was very willing to take whatever man came along and make that "round peg" of a man fit into a square hole. For the first time..I am really alone. I have always pretty much had a boyfriend/man in my life since I was 14. That is about 35 years of men. Not having a man to focus on is very strange, and NOT wanting one is even more strange. But I am very determined to be strong and confident. I am also not just dealing with the abuse, but also learning that pleasing others in my life is no longer what I want to do..I was a pleaser..I was and part of me still is..very nervous about going against what others think. I was never taught growing up that my opinion mattered, that what I wanted mattered. According to my upbringing.."here is what we are having for dinner, eat it or you will get nothing else, it didn't matter whether I wanted it or not..my opinion didn't matter. That all carried over to my relationships..I couldn't handle being alone, so i always took what I was given an made it work, because I couldn't handle disappointing anyone for making a choice based on "my selfish decisions". I was to do as I was told, even if I disagreed with it. I was taught "here is what you are given..make it work or you get nothing else". My husband was very good at influencing my guilt about having an opinion, he would call me a control freak, "it is only always about you". I did everything for him and my daughters..not selfish, but my inner talk and tape tell me "see you are selfish, you only think of yourself". My BFF and I figured out that I was never really comfortable with a "nice guy"..because I only knew of how to be with someone who controlled me. I love my father, but he was the most controlling man I knew..my mother was submissive and followed along. These are a lifetime of habits and I want to change them. If I don't, I won't ever find the happiness that I seek..with or without a man.
I guess my point is, this abuse was never something I would have ever wanted or wished on anyone, but maybe in some very strange way, I can take this horrible situation and the men like my husband and ex-boyfriends (I have a few in my past who had some controlling tendencies) and turn it around and make my life better and happier. Maybe I will find the "good" in a tough situation and be a better person for it. I guess if life hands me lemons, I will make the best lemonade I can possibly make.
Thank you again for all you do for us on this forum, it has been a lifeline for me. I am growing everyday and today I put my house on the market..this is HUGE..another big step forward. And one HUGE step away from my husband who threatened to fight with me tonight and who I ignored..which took great restraint. We have children together, and my daughter lives with him, so I see him daily. Our divorce will be final hopefully in a few months. I have been disliking him for the past 3-4 years..he is just like a splinter in my foot that I can't get out. Another bad choice as far as men go.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 4, 2014 15:17:10 GMT
' I was never really comfortable with a "nice guy"..because I only knew of how to be with someone who controlled me.' That could have been coming from me after a few counseling sessions in the past. It is very true that often we seek and repeat the patterns of the earliest relationships we have had. It feels strangely 'comfortable' in a very unhealthy way. Kind of like overindulging on chocolate when we are sad is not really healthy, but...if it has been our go-to remedy for so long, the brain needs to be retrained to react and act in different ways. Doing something different costs the brain more energy too, than doing something familiar- that is why when we study hard or drive into a new town, our brains burn more energy too. In that way i found meditation and simply trying to change something every day a little bit - rather than big goals that seem overwhelming, helpful for me. Just because something has always been done that way, it does not mean we have to keep doing it. I remember - because my mother has been and still is a VERY controlling and criticizing woman-- that one of my friends in college once told me: "I think you need to print yourself a permission certificate out that you frame and hang on the wall. It should say: "It is ok to be me, it is ok to change my mind every second of every day. I have the right to do that." |
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