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Post by Confused on Oct 22, 2014 23:16:00 GMT
I have been in a relationship for about a year and eight months. He's 35 and I'm 31. No kids. We met through a friend of mine. He was her AA sponsor. He said had 5 years of sobriety.
Things were great at first, then just under a year ago, he started working late (2+ hours) at least once a week. He said work was just so busy. I sort of accepted it. I had no reason not to believe him. Then a few months in, I began to notice that when I called him on his cell phone while he was supposedly at work, he'd never answer, but he'd call me back pretty much right away. He'd say he was in a meeting or didn't hear his phone. One time when he called me back, it sounded like there was a party going on in the background. He said it was just a co-worker's birthday. But when I drove by his work, his car wasn't there, the doors were locked, and the lights out. I confronted him about it when he got home, and he said they'd just decided last-minute to go out for drinks--he said he had just a club soda--and he said he didn't call and tell me because he didn't want to upset me. Why would it have upset me? He said it wouldn't happen again.
Then a few weeks later, a friend called me and said she saw him out in a bar with a woman, and he was drinking vodka. As he also said that they were all over each other. When I confronted him (angrily, I will admit), he said she was just an old friend (one I know, but who we don't see often). He said she'd had too much to drink and he didn't kiss her, she kissed him. He said he put a stop to it, but he didn't leave because he wanted to make sure she got home alright. Oh, and he said he was drinking ice water, not vodka. I didn't believe his story, we argued, and he pushed me. I pushed him back. He still wouldn't admit any wrongdoing. I was furious, and I was leaving, packing my bags. He begged me not to go. He said he'd do anything not to lose me. So I told him that I expected that if I called his phone outside of his normal work hours, or during his lunch hour, he would answer. Every time. No drinking. And no more going out after work without telling me where he'd be and when to expect him home. And definitely, no more going out with any woman alone, unless he was related to her. He agreed.
And he kept his word for a while, but he became increasingly irritated at having to "check in" with me. He said I was being a control freak. I told him if it was too much for him to show a little accountability--it was nothing I wasn't already doing myself--then I'd be on my way. I wasn't going to play second fiddle in our relationship. Not to alcohol or to other women. We argued a lot. He did a lot of pushing and shoving, but so did I. I never thought of it as violence, just normal fighting.
Last week, he had a couple of friends over. His friends were drinking beer. His phone rang. He said it was work, and he disappeared into our home office. When I tried to go in, the door was locked. I could hear him on the phone, telling someone, "Don't worry about it, I'll be there." When he finally unlocked the door, I went in. We never locked doors in our house and I asked him what was going on. He told me to mind my f***ing business. Then one of his friends came in and said, "Man, we're going to take off. You want us to leave you a bottle (of beer)?" My boyfriend glared at me, as if he was daring me to say something. Then he told his friend, "Sure", and he took it. After his friends left, we started arguing again and he shoved me so hard, I fell down. Then he picked up the full, unopened bottle and threw it down. It hit me on the outside of my elbow. He freaked out, crying and apologizing. He said he didn't mean for it to hit me, and he was so so sorry. Later, he sat me down and said he wanted me to know that he had "fallen off the wagon" and had a few drinks, but he swore he'd never cheated on me. I didn't know what to believe, but he was such a mess, and he really seemed sorry. The next day, my arm was swollen and bruised, and it hurt to move it. So he took me to the doctor. I told them I fell. I don't know why. I really believed it was an accident, though. The doctor said it's a bone bruise and gave me a sling, and instructions to follow up with my regular doctor.
My boyfriend has been acting really sweet since. He's coming home on time, even calling me during the day to say he loves me. But I can't let go of this bad feeling. Every time I look at my arm. Am I letting him get away with violence? Or am I overreacting? Maybe he's right, and I was being an insecure control freak, and I drove him to the edge. And it really was an accident. I'm so conflicted.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 23, 2014 15:57:28 GMT
Hey you and welcome here,
I believe you have valid reasons to be concerned about your boyfriend's behavior, and the safety and state of your relationship with him.
I also believe that you will find yourself repeating the cycle of violence (there are articles related to this term on our website and other DV= domestic violence websites)- with him following the typical abuser steps. There will be the so called honeymoon phase he is in now, right after having had a blowup. Over time- and this could be hours, days, weeks or months- you will see the tension increase and feel again like you walk on eggshells, waiting to see if he blows up again.
Now one thing i can highly recommend you for this particular situation is to get the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
Mr. Bancroft has had over 30 years of experience working with abusive men, including issues like alcoholism and related issues. You will find the book very helpful I bet, and learn a ton about what domestic violence is, why alcohol is NEVER an excuse or the reason that 'made him do it' -- or why you as his partner do not have the power to 'control him into shoving you and throwing seriously harmful items at you".
One big thing is that in general it is safe to say that you have someone with a serious alcohol problem on your hands.
That is never easy, and the question arises for you maybe at this point if you are willing to exchange your precious lifetime and youth to be a codependent caretaker of someone who will not change for you or by your actions.
There is a great book called "Codependent no more" out there, that is usually recommended to Al-Anon group members, which are people who have family members or are friends of people swith alcoholism.
But even if he was 'just' an alcoholic- the alcohol is NOT the reason behind him shoving you and smashing a beer can next to your body.
If that was the case, all alcoholics would beat up their wives and girlfriends. But many do not- they just drink and do their own thing, harming mostly just themselves with it physically.
You may not realize it right now, but the start of shoving/pushing on his side is a test. He sees what he can get away with. There are no consequences for him right now- as he successfully got you to lie for him when you said you fell, instead of telling the truth and making him accountable for his actions.
My ex did the same thing- it started off with lies, manipulations, other texts on his phone, shady excuses....and when i started controlling him it escalated-- but I believe now my ex wanted me to feel like 'i caused it' and i started it. When really their emotional abuse often starts long before the physical- and they know exactly how to turn things around and make you feel like YOU are going insane-- or like YOU at least had something to do with his abuse.
has he ever punched his fist into a wall before he started the shoving?
What about verbal threats, maybe hidden under the mask of 'just joking or 'I didnt mean it like that, you are just being overly sensitive'?
No normal, healthy man would throw a full beer bottle at his partner or ANYONE for that reason.
If I were to tell you my boyfriend shoved me to the floor and threw a bottle at me.....what would you say it was?
"Accident?"
So how come YOU ended up taking care of HIM, the perpetrator?
You covered up his actions with a lie to protect him. You made excuses for his behavior and ended up googling a domestic violence website.
Now I say that because often times we can go round and round analyzing 'why did he do it???'...when really, we can look at how WE feel, how WE act, and compare that to people you love, who treat you well, maybe a loving, kind ex boyfriend. How come they never do that?
So it was never your fault.
It is NOT your fault what happened.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
I repeat, this was NOT your fault!!!!
having experienced a physical assault is traumatizing and you might want to look up the term "PTSD"= post traumatic stress disorder.
Part of being abused by the hands of an intimate partner is disassociation.
Your brain tries to make sense of something that simply does NOT make sense.
If you pretend you might be at fault, you assume you had control or a choice in the moment or situation.
The truth is with an abuser you never had a choice, you could be catering to all his needs, wasting 10 years to take care of him, 'make him see what he did and that he just needs help' and an abuser will mold you into bending over backwards, slowly allowing him to shove, push you down, maybe slap you next time.
If he was truly sorry--- how come HE did not admit to the doctor what he did?
How come you are the victim but yet feel responsible and maybe guilty?
How come he did not contact an anger management course?
Because he does not care, he will not change. The violence will escalate the longer you stay with him. Those tears and apologies are designed to make you believe he can be the sweet man you met- if only you work harder or love him more.
We are here whenever you need an ear, it is not easy to leave, but it is in most cases the only way to live a safe, healthy and balanced life.
Love does not do that. This is not love, it is trauma speaking. You might also want to look up the term 'taumatic bonding' or 'stockholm syndrome'
If you would like to talk to a professional, without giving away your name etc. you can also google your local or national DV hotline, and tell them about what happened, asking what they thought. That is always the easiest and best way for a quick expert opinion and again, it is completely anonymous if you dont want to reveal anything about your identity.
Hope that helped! let us know if there is anything else we can do, that is why we are here for.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 24, 2014 2:52:02 GMT
Hi Confused, I just want to say I am so glad you came to this website. I am new to the site after leaving my abusive boyfriend about 6 weeks ago. The people here are safe, kind, accepting, and extremely non-judgemental. Everyone here has had some sort of terrible relationship, and all of our stories have a common theme..we are/were with men who claim to love, who seem to have no concept of the word, who truly believe they are justified in everything they do, and we all have felt like we were "crazy" or somehow to blame for this. 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence. I have 20 female friends, and I can honestly say I know at least 3 of them have experienced violence in a relationship in either physical or emotional. I too highly recommend the "Why does he do that" book. I got a copy from my local library. I swear to you had wasn't sure if my boyfriend was abusive...OMG..he could have had his picture on every page of the book.
I hope you continue to come to this website, everyone here wants to help. The local DV is so helpful..I was very scared to go to mine, I finally took a step and went this week and it was the best thing I ever did. I felt very safe, and being around many people who also KNOW I am not crazy and who the real problem is, was so comforting. My ex kicked me out of a house I loved..I had what I thought was a lot to lose..a guy who made great money, he is handsome, smart, and at one time was a Prince Charming. I have only gained by being away from him..no regrets. I have my good days and my not so good days..but everyday is one step closer to my happiness and taking care of myself and those I love.
Hope to hear from you again..I keep coming back and it is the best thing for me!
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Post by Confused on Oct 24, 2014 22:32:58 GMT
Hi Janine and Kann. I have a lot to think about. I know if a friend told me the same things were going on in her relationship, I would tell her to leave. ASAP. But it's tough. I was married before. Married at 23, divorced at 25. It wasn't abusive, we were just not right for each other. Since then I have had 3 long-term relationships. It would get to a point where he was ready for a more permanent commitment and I'd bail. I told myself after my last one ended, that I was really going to give the next one a shot. I don't think I can take another failure.
So here I am, sitting at home alone. He said he'd be an hour late tonight and it's been almost two. He's called me twice today, from work. But now he's not answering his phone. I'm sure he'll have an explanation. I just don't think I have the energy for another confrontation. But if I let it go, I feel pathetic.
To answer your question, Janine, yes, he's punched walls, but he never threatened me. He doesn't call me names, but has made cracks and insults at me, but he always said he was joking. I don't know why I covered for him. Maybe because I didn't want to humiliate him, or have someone step in and tell me what I should do with my life. I've had enough of that.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 24, 2014 23:12:47 GMT
Punching walls is a very huge red flag. It is never too far from punching your face- and actually just a threat to see how much you tolerate.
I can relate to you not wanting to 'fail' at yet another relationship. I believe we all kind of hold the belief that especially after a certain age we would like to settle, really work on a relationship that lasts, and 'grow up'.
That can also be an incredible trap because I feel as soon as we think "I fail if I leave" -- do we REALLY think only about how WE feel?
Or...is it more about others? What do the 'others' think if I were to yet again--- leave a relationship?
To me, I felt I always ran with the second option. I was worried about what the 'others' would think. In reality as soon as I told my best friend my partner was punching walls and cracking 'jokes' which really was a very smart way to emotionally slowly cut me down-- I realized she too would have NEVER wanted me to stay with such a man. And leaving him, was in the end something my friends and family (at least those I value) saw as a strength.
I wonder if seeing a counselor might be a positive experience for you right now. You can google 'warning signs of a bad counselor' first, and then give yourself permission to try one or two out, if the first one does not feel right. A GOOD counselor does not judge or tell you what to do with your life. It would go against the ethics of the profession.
Actually one big thing in domestic violence is about empowerment- and I think it is a VERY good sign you are done with people telling you what to do.
The question at the end is not what does anyone else think -- the question is for you alone:
Do you feel you can spend the next 25 years like THIS?
If he is already acting like this right at the start, when usually things should be still kind of honeymoon/perfect ....how would it be a year, 2, 6 years from now?
Just because you have had a few relationships does NOT mean you are broken or damaged goods.
You are not what happened to you.
Again, I can highly recommend seeing a good counselor- if only for a few times to find out what unmet needs you might have deep down- so that you will not think staying with an abuser is your only option.
And...please be careful too. From shoving and smashing your arm with a bottle of beer, especially with the warning signs of punching walls and making nasty remarks, hidden as jokes, it is never far to slapping you or worse.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft will be a great resource for you- and it may help you in your thinking period now.
Stay safe, we are here and understand whatever it is you choose to do.
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Post by Confused on Oct 29, 2014 16:36:42 GMT
I'm out of the house for now. He threw me out, but now he's calling and leaving messages asking me to come back. It happened again. It's been two weeks since that last incident. He said it wouldn't happen again, and he started back at AA. I've had the flu, I'm just starting to feel a little better, and I forgot to register his car. He got stopped by the police on his way home from work. They only gave him a warning to take care of it. That's all, no ticket or anything. He came home and I could feel the tension, even before he told me what happened. He has several friends in the police department and he felt humiliated. Why? It's not like he was stopped for something criminal. He said I've been at home for the last week, not at work, and the least I could have done is remember to register his car. I said I was sorry, but ultimately it isn't my responsibility. He thinks because we are in a relationship, it is. He asked me if we were married, then would it be? I told him he knows I'm not ready to get married again. He began yelling at me and saying he wasn't going to wait forever. I got up to leave, and he lost it. He grabbed me by my arm and pushed me against the wall. Then blocked me from leaving. I tried to push past him, struggled pretty hard for a little bit, then he pushed me back again and put his hand around my throat. Loosely, but it scared me anyway. He said he wouldn't beg anyone to stay, and if I didn't want to be there, then I should go, but I'd better not even think about coming back. And he flung my purse and keys at me and pushed me out the door.
I was so stunned I just sat outside for the next 1/2 hour, until my neighbor walked over and asked if I was okay. I got in the car and drove to my mom's, and that's where I am now. I told her we just had an argument, but I don't think she believes me, since I showed up without any packed clothes. I'll probably go back and grab some while he is at work. Like I said, he's been calling and I talked to him once and told him I'm not ready to come back, but I'll talk about it with him later. Not that I really want to, but I'm afraid if I ignore him completely, he'll show up at my mom's door and cause trouble. I didn't tell him I'm here, but he knows this is where'd I'd go. I just want him to get some help, and I won't feel safe going back with him until he does and sticks with it. And if he can't do that, then what can I do but end it? Just thinking about it is tearing my heart out.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Oct 29, 2014 19:40:51 GMT
Hi Confused,
Just a quick note to say stay strong and know that people here are reading and understanding even if they don't always have the time to reply (like me!).
And I was actually married to an alcoholic. He was dry when we married, or was on controlled drinking, forget which, but he fell off the many times. Lovely when dry, but a liability when drinking. Lots of issues stemming from severe childhood abuse which resulted in severe mental health issues resulting in trying to get rid of them by drinking. Vicious cycle. And while I could 'understand' his reasons (actual ones, I don't mean the excuses), the key was that his behaviour did not work together with a relationship, let alone a family. Anyway, that the short version just to let you know that I know where you are coming from.
The question is whether your (ex!) bf is an (1) alcoholic (only has issues around alcohol which may be genetic), or (2) alcoholic and abusive (he can be abusive even if alcohol is not immediately the issue), is (3) abusive and uses alcoholism as an excuse (drinks a little so that he can say it was the alcohol not him), or is just (4) a poor completely misunderstood victim of your controlling and paranoid nature!
Chances are he will argue either for (1) if he thinks that is going to work by getting your pity and get you back again, or (4) if (1) doesn't work after a few tries. There is no way he will admit to (2) or (3), but they are a darn sight more likely!
We can safely assume that it is not (4), you are not imagining things - look at your elbow and what other friends have told you and what you have documented here on the board. You are not being too controlling if you expect him to be honest with you - especially after he has admitted to lying already.
If he was "just" an alcoholic, then there would not be the issues around violence and expecting you to take responsibility for his action , eg car.
That leaves only abusive and alcoholic.
I think you have got out of that relationship alive, which you could very well not have done. The preventing you from leaving and holding you round the throat are FAR too close for comfort. His behaviour has escalated very quickly and it sounds rather like if you stayed or returned you could be one of the women we hear about on the news, one of the statistics. What is the next stage after his behaviour tonight? Push you a little harder against a wall? Or push you down some stairs or into some furniture, or maybe throw a bottle or glass or other object a little closer to your head or torso? Maybe hold you a little tighter around the neck or for a little longer?
Seriously, he sounds very dangerous.
Being married to an alcoholic is hard enough and not realistic with or without a family. Being with someone who tries to throttle you is a death sentence.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Oct 29, 2014 21:04:51 GMT
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Post by Abiel on Oct 29, 2014 22:27:20 GMT
Hey confused,
Just reading your posts and I can totally relate with how you're currently feeling. I'm the same age as you and I broke up with my verbally and emotionally abusive ex in July. He used to tell me the same things your boyfriend said to you - that he won't be anybody, I was with him for a total of almost 9 months and I was so confused for the last few months we were together. I thought it was my fault that things weren't going well so I kept trying harder to make things work but if anything, things just got worse. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be ending the relationship especially as all of this was happening around the time one of my best friends was getting married and I'm one of the last few amongst my friends yet to be married so it felt even more painful to be breaking up with him while others are getting hitched.
Trust me, your life will be better off without someone that leaves you felling confused and blames you for everything. Please think about yourself as much as that may sound selfish - you don't have to feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed about anything. Every woman should be treated with respect and dignity and love, not violence. My thoughts are with you.
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Post by Confused on Oct 30, 2014 6:44:09 GMT
Hi Lindsey and Abiel,
Lindsey, maybe it's 2) with him. He'd been attending AA at least once a week for 6 years when I met him. Would he have devoted so much time to it if he wasn't truly an alcoholic? I don't think it's 3). And in my mind, I know it's not 4), although I second-guess myself a lot. I wonder if I was demanding too much.
So, I was able to get my clothes and a few other things without incident. He didn't show up. He's still calling though. I haven't talked to him, but on his messages, he is pushing for a day we can meet. I want to talk to him, but at the same time, I don't. Because what if he says all the right things to convince me to go back? Intellectually, I know it should be a no-brainer, but he has a way about him that I have trouble resisting.
I'm working my way through a bottle of wine right now, so I'm feeling like a huge hypocrite on top of everything else. My mom was pushing for details about what happened last night. She asked if it got physical and I said yes. I wasn't going to tell her. She said she was going to go out to the house and "have a word" with him, which translates into going and doing something that might get her arrested. Fortunately I talked her down.
I'm trying to work out in my head what I should do, but I can't think straight anymore. Right now I just want to go to sleep and wake up and find out its all been a terrible nightmare and he's still the sweet and funny guy I first met.
You can tell me to snap out of it and get it together. It's ok.
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Post by Confused on Nov 2, 2014 1:03:09 GMT
I'm missing him. It's been 4 days now I've been gone. He wants to meet up tomorrow to discuss my coming back, what I'd expect from him before I'd consider it, etc. He says he's back in AA and he's going to start anger management. And he says he loves me, can't live without me and he'll do anything. I wish I could see things the way you all do, the way my mother does, and stop wondering if he's the one exception to the rule, and could change. I know the odds are stacked way against it and I know I should cut my losses and forget about him. But it's so hard. Why do I have to miss him so much? Why can't I just see him for who he is and not who I wish he was?
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 2, 2014 1:18:40 GMT
Because you do not miss the REAL him, you miss the illusion you had. You miss the impression he gave you at the start, the 'bait' and he knows that.
Please read "Why does he do that" By Lundy Bancroft. The book is a wonderful resource and can help you understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship.
You can already see that you went from thinking 'it was just an accident that he threw a full bottle at me and smashed my arm" to "choking my throat and pinning me against a wall, keeping me from leaving"....THAT is abuse, not love. That means he already knows he can get away with this and his abuse WILL become worse.
Stay safe, going back and meeting him are dangerous decisions and can compromise your physical and emotional safety. I would always advise against it.
years ago I too felt days after I was out 'i missed him' but that feeling passes.
What you experience is called 'cognitive dissonance' and 'traumatic bonding'-- a way your brains tries to make sense of something that did not make sense.
But if you try and convince yourself 'he is a good guy and only needs help and i can love him out of this and he can better himself with help'--- then you convince your own brain that you never were in danger. When reality is, you were and ARE in danger.
Here is what will most likely happen- he will whine or cry or beg and make endless promises. He will NOT follow through with promises. Even IF he goes to anger management, which he wont, he will start blaming YOU for 'having to go' and he will keep drinking too. His abuse will escalate and he will choke you harder and longer next time. He will probably also 'graduate' to harder punches, longer hostage taking (keeping you from going and leaving when you want to) and change tactics. One day crocodile tears, next moment insults and using bad names.
You do not have to go back. You also do not have to go through withdrawal from him and that toxic relationship alone.
Today might be a good day to call a 24 hour DV hotline and talk to someone professional there- you wont have to give them your name or address, just have someone to talk this through with and address your questions and concerns can help.
We are always here, no matter what you do or not do, or feel.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 2, 2014 4:06:00 GMT
Hi Confused..please posting here if you need to. I was kicked out of my boyfriends house after living with him for about 9 months..we were almost together for a year. He was prince charming on the outside and the big bad wolf on the inside..that is the real him. I found the first few weeks to be the hardest..I didn't understand the "no contact is the best revenge" mantra until just recently..I left about 8 weeks ago. I still miss the illusion..i crave it...like a very deliciously wonderful cigarette that I know is horrible for me. I agree with reading "Why Does HE do That"..I read it and couldn't believe that my ex-boyfriend and husband who I am separated from..both fit in that book..my mouth dropped with every page. I never thought I would be in this situation.
Calling a DV hotline is priceless..I promise you, you won't regret it. I started counseling recently and one thing my counselor told me is "Your head and heart are on different pages..completely, everything feels strange because those two things are not matching up and we don't know which one is telling the truth". SHe is so right..I can tell when my heart and head are conflicting..I know what it feels like. It is a very real feeling..at this time we are most vulnerable to want to make contact with our abusers. NOT a good thing to do. There a actual biological changes that have occurred in your body that has you craving him, and wanting to be with him. Please know that you have done nothing wrong, nor did you cause any of this. Your ex is very predictable...the bad part is we don't need to be around to see it happen, that pattern of behavior that she lined out. So true.
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Post by Confused on Nov 3, 2014 2:26:25 GMT
Hi,
I'm a little afraid to post this because I just feel so stupid. Like maybe I deserve everything that's happened, because I didn't listen to your advice. I saw him today, at a restaurant. It started out okay. He seemed like he was taking responsibility at first. But then he started trying to get me to admit certain things were my fault, like badgering him about checking in with me. He wanted me to say that there was a chance that pushed him towards the edge. I started to agree to a point, but not enough for him, I suppose. He got really angry. He didn't yell or anything, I could just see it in his eyes. I don't know how to explain it, except to say his eyes looked crazy. I have never seen it before. It literally gave me chills. I made a quick excuse for why I had to go right then. He said okay and he kissed me. I didn't want him to, but I couldn't move. Then he hugged me and I went stiff and he told me "Relax. It's me." And he said he would call me later so we could finish talking. We didn't even get to the part about me maybe coming back. It was 90% him badgering me to admit fault. It was very strange. I practically ran to my car and drove off as fast as I could. I couldn't stop shaking. I thought for sure he was following me.
I was too afraid to go back to my mom's. I called her and told her I was staying somewhere else, but I didn't tell her where, in case he shows up. I'm at a hotel and I told them not to give out my room number to anyone. I have been crying since I got here. I'm so freaked out right now. I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight. It's late now, but tomorrow I will call a shelter.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you ladies. I'm such an idiot.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 3, 2014 6:12:15 GMT
Hi Confused..OMG sweetie..you are not an idiot by any means!! You did the right thing..getting away and going somewhere safe..very smart! Please don't get upset with yourself..this isn't easy. No one here is going to judge you or get upset with you..no apology necessary. Please take some deep breaths and be calm and rest a minute.
You made so many good decisions tonight, you really did. It is so hard, we all know, we all have been there. I saw my ex 2 times after we broke up, the first time was 6 days after I left and I thought things were going to be ok. Then I saw him again and things were not okay, he was still controlling me and then after that the texting happened and things were a mess. I haven't talked/texted him in about 3 weeks..haven't seen him in about 6 weeks. It has been a challenge everyday.
You are making good thoughts too.calling your local Domestic Violence center is very wise...they will help you, you are not crazy, you are not making this up, you are not at fault, and he is so predictable it isn't funny, he did exactly what your head knew he would do and what your heart hoped he wouldn't do. None of us on this website and the other 4 million women this happens too are crazy..this is a very real issue in this world we live in, there are men who are purely evil in their behaviors. For that many women to be experiencing the very same types of men..it isn't us..it is the guy..he has a distorted sense of love, and of right and wrong way to treat women; he has no clue what love is.
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Please try not to answer if he calls..put it on silence so you don't hear it. Come here to the website and know that we are here..call the DV hotline..they are there now and can help right now if you need it. Confused..you are so smart..please rest and know that you made the right decision. Keep the TV on..that way you don't feel so alone. Call a girlfriend and talk, call the hotline and talk, there are people who can help. My prayers are with you where ever you are tonight..it is ok.
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Post by Abiel on Nov 3, 2014 22:42:42 GMT
@confused so sorry to hear you've had a rough few days and things didn't go well meeting him. You've got to give yourself more credit -you're on here posting so that means you're becoming aware of and recognizing what he's doing. You are not stupid and you are certainly not an idiot. On the contrary you're doing a very brave thing reaching out for help in the midst of your troubles. I remember when I was feeling depressed and becoming aware of my ex's abuse, my friend kept encouraging and telling me that I was very brave at the time and I couldn't feel it or believe it,but now I know that I was because it takes courage, inner strength and self awareness to be ble to reach no oneself and ask for help in the midst of a traumatic experience. No one is here to judge you, we've all been in your shoes in one way or another.
Talk to someone professional ok, they can help you navigate this. I know it's incredibly hard and missing him is normal...after all he's the one you fell in love with and the fact that he was so charming in the bginning makes it all the more harder to understand why he would behave this way. Till this day, there's a part of me that can't understand everything that happened but reflecting on the relationship and what worked and didn't work plus educating myself on abuse and abusive men has helped me make some sense of why my ex behaves the way he does. I suggest you research on abuse and abusive men. Perhaps nderstanding that it is more than just emotions at work here will help you.
You are brave and you are worth so much more.
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janine
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Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Nov 3, 2014 22:58:15 GMT
Hey confused,
I can only second what everyone else replied already-- you are NOT an idiot.
You are a wonderful human being who experienced domestic abuse, and has seen 'the look' as I call it. Most abused women (and men) I have met, have described this expression in the eye of the abuser. I myself made the mistake to go back and see my ex once alone and not in public like you did.
I am thankful I am still alive to tell the story and that is why I always advise to go cold turkey 'no contact'-- change all your numbers, emails, if possible address, kick out all people who are liking him. You do not need those anyways.
That look you described on his face and in his eyes- I remember thinking he (my ex) looked like a completely different person-- and it was shocking.
Are you safe right now?
Have you had a good experience talking to the DV hotline people?
oxox
We are here -- no matter what you do.
This is not your fault.
You WILL be ok.
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Post by Confused on Nov 4, 2014 3:15:44 GMT
Hi,
Thank you, all of you, for your kind words. I just feel in a way like I should have known better. I'm okay I think. I talked to him on the phone this morning. He called to see if I'd meet him for dinner. I said no. He then asked me what I was so afraid of. He said he didn't say or do anything to cause me to be afraid and it's all in my head. I told him I was going to hang up the phone and he kept saying, no, wait, don't you hang up, talk to me! Within minutes of hanging up he started leaving messages. He sounded really angry, yelling "Answer the phone! Why won't you talk to me?" But then he'd sound like he was crying and say he loves me and can't live without me. The last one I listened to, he said he WON'T live without me. I called the hotline after that. Someone is coming to pick me up in the morning. I haven't decided if I'm going to move to the shelter or not--I know it's probably the best thing, but they said no matter what I decide, they can help me get a protection order and free legal representation if I need it.
So that's it. I'm sort of shaken, and I haven't been able to eat because I feel like I'm going to be sick. Hearing those messages, it was almost like someone has taken over his body, like it's not really him.
I shut off my phone. The shelter people said they will call me on my room phone when they arrive tomorrow.
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janine
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Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Nov 4, 2014 15:25:25 GMT
What you experienced was the 'end game' of the abuser. It is extremely scary, confusing and traumatizing. When abusers feel you do what is healthy and good for YOU-- they lose control. Once they realize their usual manipulations do not work anymore- they throw out like a screaming 'Gollum' from Lord of the Rings everything they got.
My Ex once he realized I outsmarted him, the curtain had dropped and I was not buying his BS anymore....went from crying, threatening suicide, threatening to harm me, whining, begging, promising, ....everything-- within sometimes minutes. Sometimes I would get a text message saying he loved me and needed my voice, blabla blubs bla, we have this 'special connection' blabla because yeah....you are SO right....it is VERY special to be thrown into the streets and have a damaged elbow (he did that to me weeks before I left) and it is oh soooo special that you punch holes into our walls and call me names, hold me hostage and look like a crazy maniac.
Wow, what a special man he was and how special that 'love' was. I say that now with healthy sarcasm, because I can promise you that once you are safe, far away from this experience, it will be nothing but a bad memory-- and you will shake your head and never, ever buy into an abuser again.
For now my advise would be --
Listen to YOUR gut.
It has kept you safe- it will guide you. As his ex you know the abuser best- and Lundy Bancroft mentions in his book the best predictions of what might happen still come from the woman herself. I knew -- like an animal-- the night my ex attacked me the last time what I had to do. My instincts kicked in, flight or fight response.
I lied and told him I loved him and would not leave- until I had convinced him and he went to bed and I pretended to just shower downstairs.
When I heard him lay in bed, I gently sneaked out the front door and ran to a friend of mine. All of this, does no longer hurt me. I barely ever dream about him- and even now that I tell my story, it is just that....a narrative. An experience. I would not even label it as 'bad' or 'good' anymore. It was a lesson- I am fine now and safe.
I am very glad you have the shelter people help you- and we are always here too.
You are not alone, you will be ok.
Let us know if there is anything we can help you with.
Deep breaths, lots of water, if possible stay away from alcohol for a while to be 100% mindful and at your best game-- and sleep a LOT if possible...
Your body is your ally and needs help to get rid of all the extra stress and trauma now.
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