Confused, is it just me or what?

Hey Clare and welcome here!

First, let me say that I am glad you feel comfortable sharing all of this, it was probably not easy to do and took a lot of strength for you to research domestic violence on the internet.
Now many of the things you described about your husband's behavior are indeed classical abuser tactics. I will walk you through what I thought when I read about it:

1. "When we first met, we were total opposites, but some how we got along well. Just a few things that niggled me was his temper at almost anything and his inability to have any form of organisation or tidiness."

Now this can be a red flag and warning sign that he was early on showing behavior that made you feel like you maybe had to 'walk on eggshells around him' to avoid a temper outburst.

2. "Before he met me, it was apparently quite common for him to fly off the handle and do something like smash up a car he had been working on with a sledgehammer just because he couldn't undo a bolt!"

While we all get angry at times, and I myself have punched my pillow in the past when I felt anger rise up, this is a step beyond 'normal anger management'.

3. "There has been many times i've heard my husband threaten violence to my son, eg Ill smash your head in if you don't shut up."

This IS emotional abuse and the threat of violence alone, even if done verbally so far, can cause your son to be emotionally injured by it. This is called child abuse, not 'having a bad temper." It is all about how your son feels, not how little his father is able to control himself. That, combined with the fact he has had a history of smashing things indeed with a hammer- concern me greatly. Usually it is never a long stretch from threatening verbal abuse to actually causing physical harm.

4. "I have known him to kick out at or yell at our dogs if they get in the way and he is in a bad mood, which is pretty much of the time. Athough he does not do damange to them, I know he loves them very much."

Animal abuse is also a red flag. He may not have seriously injured them (yet) but the fact he goes after animals and humans who are scared and clearly less powerful than he is, shows for him it is about power and control. Especially if it does not happen only once or twice- but is a regular thing.


5. "I've heard all the I'll change stuff before, but when things were in place for counselling he never went."

And that to me is the biggest red flag of all. It shows he knows very well what he does is NOT ok. But he also does not want to lose control over you and enjoys his manipulations and put downs. He will never change. They just don't. If you would like a great resource on this I can recommend you highly the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with abusive men for over 30 years and even he says they do not change. The only thing you can do, is change yourself and get back into the driver's seat of your life.

Abusers do not like therapy because they do not feel something is wrong how they treat their families.

6. "Normally he wont apologies for anything even if he is blatantly in the wrong, and he will just go off sulking."

That is also very typical abusive behavior and also called 'stonewalling/silent treatment'. It takes away all the right YOU have to say: "Hey, this was not ok. You cannot treat me this way."

----

So after hearing all this, I bet there were more things that you might find helpful in the "Why does he do that" book. I bet there are more situations along the road that speak of abuse and control.

BUT--

one important thing I want to mention is that abusers also use mental conditions like autism/bipolar/etc. as an excuse to abuse and keep you hooked and always 'trying just to help him because you love him and ....if ONLY he would see he needs help...or if ONLY I love him enough he will see how much he hurt me...." and they never do.

If he is indeed on the autism spectrum- ONLY !!!! a professional and licensed health care worker can and should do a diagnosis.

He himself is not a reliable source for saying what he might have it. It smells to me like an excuse and to make him not accountable for his actions and the damage he does.
My ex used to blame his abusive childhood/alcohol/having been left or cheated on by an Ex...and I probably forgot a few other excuses.

7. "His life seems to revolve around playing computer games and if we interrupt he gets really grumpy, a lot of sarcasm in voice etc. Pretty much most the time he speaks to me, it is a reply in sarcastic ways."

Being sarcastic is a way of abusing someone else emotionally. It is a very mean and very dangerous, subtle way to abuse too. It is not like a black eye or broken arm. As someone who is at the other end of receiving the constant sarcasm, belittling and minimizing (telling you what he did was really not THAT bad and you are being too sensitive or have a bad memory)
you are at a high risk to develop depression/anxiety and other post traumatic stress related symptoms. Trauma that is caused over many years can really mess with your mental health.

This might be a good time for YOU to reach out to a counselor.

You can go by yourself and see if this helps you grow stronger inside and also get professional tips on what to do. There are great tips online to see what a counselor is like, what the warning signs of a bad counselor are and also what to expect from counseling. Trust your gut - it will feel right if you have the right person in front of you, and your gut also has all the answers to your questions regarding your husband.

Hope that helped!
We are here if you need an ear, please feel welcome anytime.

I think it is great how you show appreciation and gratefulness for the little things he does do well! It shows you have a lot of empathy and love in your heart.

Maybe the temporary living separation you mentioned could be a good start to not divorce/break up, but to give you and your son a safe, calm space to live in for a while. I was wondering if a health professional had looked into a history of autism in your husband's family- including Asperger's which can often go unnoticed for a long time since it is on the very high functioning spectrum of the autism 'umbrella'.

I guess in the end it does not matter what exactly a diagnosis would be - if there is one- if you feel his behavior is dangerous for your and your son's emotional health and possible physical health as well. It may be that he needs proper therapy for an autism spectrum disorder, but like you mentioned yourself there is a TON that can be done and I have seen the autistic children entering my mom's office grow and develop and really become very social, kind and gentle with others and themselves.

But unless he wants to help himself, you will not be able to help or control him into doing it. But the one thing you can control now is what to do to protect yourself and your son.
I wonder if talking to your son's doctor could help? Maybe asking him, if he is a specialist for autism, if there are certain ways to handle your husband's issues with expressing anger IF and only IF it is indeed autism. Again, I would love to see your husband go and see a professional himself, to check what could be really a disorder or what is pure abuse.

Even IF he had autism, it is never an excuse to hit animals, to abuse your wife and to threaten to kill your son-- which is what he did when he said he would smash his head.
THAT to me is also not typical autism, this is pure abuse and a dangerous sign if a grown man says that to a 12 year old child.

Take good care of yourself, your son has only you to protect him and you both deserve a peaceful, calm home life where he can grow well into his challenging teenager and young adult life years.

Stay safe and listen to your gut!

Thanks Janine,
Unfortunatly he will not seek any counselling without me "nagging" as he put's it, so I do not believe he wants to change, I must be kidding myself.
My son is my main priority and my dogs of course! So as long as they are safe i'll learn to cope.
Will see how it goes and just follow with my plan. If I can save to be prepared then theres a chance of a better future in ways.
It makes me sad to think of it because I know he does care, but as I read in one of the articles on the site which basically says abuse isnt love, there is no fear in love. This is very true, I wonder if he realises this though. I wonder if he realises that his behaviour scares me, I did say it once before, but he didnt reply so dont know if he just didnt take it in properly or chose to ignore.
He is a kind hearted man over all and put's up with a lot of stuff, but I still dont believe it is right to act like this, especially to our son. There has been times also when he has called our lad a little B****** or son of a B**** and that is really hurtful to hear, I do come down hard on him to appologise. I know he wouldnt with out me saying something and thats not acceptable.
Just been going round in circles for years.
On the outside we are a happy couple with strong Christian faith and a lot of involvment in things, but when others arnt there as I said it can be very different.
I rememer once he said that he wanted to be treated with more respect, and I try my best, I support him and stick up for him but I can't have true respect for someone like this completly. As I see many describe the Jeckle and Hyde situation.
It's not like me to go on a forum and say something, im a very closed person in many ways and with my work and friendships have become the person that listens and supports, so thank you for your patience with me and for not minding me placing the rants that I did!Im not normally like that!
Bless you,
C

3 days after coming to make an apology I could tell he was starting to get agitated and grumpy again.
Boy's were arguing and admittedly winding me up also. I had told them several times to stop arguing and go to sleep.
Next thing I know is an angry voice come from the kitchen shouting shut up or ill smash your face in with a bottle!(he's never done it)
I instantly got angry and said never say that again! Took him upstairs and said straight it's not acceptable, he had to listen to his dad do those threats to his mom, he hated it but now he does it to his son. He was quiet and apologized, said he would apologize to our son.
I was a bit short and said, "but do you really mean sorry? a true apology is followed by change of actions or behavior is this really going to happen as it hasn't in the 16 years we been together".
He then said he was going to his room, after sitting for a few minutes quietly and not looking at me.
Never made that apology, which was my fault as he would have if id not brought up the issue of does he really mean it!
So frustrated.
Didn't know what to do so started typing on here again.
Hope you are all staying ok and safe, take care.